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My boyfriend needs sound advice regarding his children and his homeless ex.

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Jyllian Ruby

Junior Member
My boyfriend has two children ages 7 & 9 years from a previous relationship of ten years. They were never married. Now that they're no longer together they have split custody and try to stick to a set visitation schedule. The dad(my bf) has a stable home and job and the kids go to schools based on his residence. The ex is not stable financially and for the past week doesn't have a consistent place to stay for herself and the kids when they're with her on "her days." He told me last night that he ex is going to stay at his place while things get situated bc he wants the kids to stay with him full time at least while the ex can figure out a more stable living situation for herself, but somehow he feels like he is taking the kids away from their mother which I tell him he isn't doing. And so bc he's a people-pleaser he is allowing the ex to stay at his house. Which I'm not in support of no matter how much I understand that his children come first. He is just so manipulate by the ex and I see it but he doesn't. Can anyone help provide some sound judgment calls and any advice for him for me as to what he can do or what's the best thing for him to be doing in this hopefully very temporary situation?! Please bc it's going to end up hurting my own relationship with my bf and all I want to do is be supportive and not really let my emotions get in the way of staying focused on what's most important which is these kids and keeping their life stable.
 


Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
My boyfriend has two children ages 7 & 9 years from a previous relationship of ten years. They were never married. Now that they're no longer together they have split custody and try to stick to a set visitation schedule. The dad(my bf) has a stable home and job and the kids go to schools based on his residence. The ex is not stable financially and for the past week doesn't have a consistent place to stay for herself and the kids when they're with her on "her days." He told me last night that he ex is going to stay at his place while things get situated bc he wants the kids to stay with him full time at least while the ex can figure out a more stable living situation for herself, but somehow he feels like he is taking the kids away from their mother which I tell him he isn't doing. And so bc he's a people-pleaser he is allowing the ex to stay at his house. Which I'm not in support of no matter how much I understand that his children come first. He is just so manipulate by the ex and I see it but he doesn't. Can anyone help provide some sound judgment calls and any advice for him for me as to what he can do or what's the best thing for him to be doing in this hopefully very temporary situation?! Please bc it's going to end up hurting my own relationship with my bf and all I want to do is be supportive and not really let my emotions get in the way of staying focused on what's most important which is these kids and keeping their life stable.

I'm not surprised that you can't see the irony of you complaining about manipulation by the ex. This is really none of your business. Quit trying to manipulate him to think the way you do.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
My boyfriend has two children ages 7 & 9 years from a previous relationship of ten years. They were never married. Now that they're no longer together they have split custody and try to stick to a set visitation schedule. The dad(my bf) has a stable home and job and the kids go to schools based on his residence. The ex is not stable financially and for the past week doesn't have a consistent place to stay for herself and the kids when they're with her on "her days." He told me last night that he ex is going to stay at his place while things get situated bc he wants the kids to stay with him full time at least while the ex can figure out a more stable living situation for herself, but somehow he feels like he is taking the kids away from their mother which I tell him he isn't doing. And so bc he's a people-pleaser he is allowing the ex to stay at his house. Which I'm not in support of no matter how much I understand that his children come first. He is just so manipulate by the ex and I see it but he doesn't. Can anyone help provide some sound judgment calls and any advice for him for me as to what he can do or what's the best thing for him to be doing in this hopefully very temporary situation?! Please bc it's going to end up hurting my own relationship with my bf and all I want to do is be supportive and not really let my emotions get in the way of staying focused on what's most important which is these kids and keeping their life stable.
Let me see if I understand correctly....

Your bf is being a supportive co-parent and placing the needs of his children first by allowing their mother a safe place to stay until she is stable....and you are so insecure that you want to interfere with that?
 
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Eekamouse

Senior Member
My boyfriend has two children ages 7 & 9 years from a previous relationship of ten years. They were never married. Now that they're no longer together they have split custody and try to stick to a set visitation schedule. The dad(my bf) has a stable home and job and the kids go to schools based on his residence. The ex is not stable financially and for the past week doesn't have a consistent place to stay for herself and the kids when they're with her on "her days." He told me last night that he ex is going to stay at his place while things get situated bc he wants the kids to stay with him full time at least while the ex can figure out a more stable living situation for herself, but somehow he feels like he is taking the kids away from their mother which I tell him he isn't doing. And so bc he's a people-pleaser he is allowing the ex to stay at his house. Which I'm not in support of no matter how much I understand that his children come first. He is just so manipulate by the ex and I see it but he doesn't. Can anyone help provide some sound judgment calls and any advice for him for me as to what he can do or what's the best thing for him to be doing in this hopefully very temporary situation?! Please bc it's going to end up hurting my own relationship with my bf and all I want to do is be supportive and not really let my emotions get in the way of staying focused on what's most important which is these kids and keeping their life stable.
Tell your emotions that they don't get a say so in this situation and to mind their own business.
 

Jyllian Ruby

Junior Member
Wow okay well if you think he should end things with me...

What do you suggest I do or not do. I'm not Insecure and I know nothing is going on with bf and the ex. I was s child of divorce and being back and forth all over the place as a child and I am more Concerned for the kids than even trying to keep my relationship going. I'm not this crazy new gf you doesn't get what's going on. Please give me a little bit big credit for wanting to know more advice for him and how he can help the ex get back up on her own two feet so she can Be the best Mom.
 

HRZ

Senior Member
AS a technical aside, his invited guest quickly becomes his tenant ...and if his tenant does not sort out a stable work / living relationship....she is still his tenant and he cannot lawfully boot a tenant without proper due process.
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
What do you suggest I do or not do. I'm not Insecure and I know nothing is going on with bf and the ex. I was s child of divorce and being back and forth all over the place as a child and I am more Concerned for the kids than even trying to keep my relationship going. I'm not this crazy new gf you doesn't get what's going on. Please give me a little bit big credit for wanting to know more advice for him and how he can help the ex get back up on her own two feet so she can Be the best Mom.
What can you do?

Repeat after me: This is none of my business. This is none of my business. This is none of my business.


What can you do?

Butt out of your boyfriend's business.



What can you do?

Take off the rose-colored glasses and realize that, while there may be nothing happening now, your BF had the hots for this woman over an extended period of time. Flame are very easily reignited, especially when the two people are living together.


What can you do?

Dump him and move on to a guy you don't feel the need to mold.


ETA:

What can you do?

Realize that these are NOT your children.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
What do you suggest I do or not do. I'm not Insecure and I know nothing is going on with bf and the ex. I was s child of divorce and being back and forth all over the place as a child and I am more Concerned for the kids than even trying to keep my relationship going. I'm not this crazy new gf you doesn't get what's going on. Please give me a little bit big credit for wanting to know more advice for him and how he can help the ex get back up on her own two feet so she can Be the best Mom.
You say mom manipulates him. But you are trying to manipulate him. What I suggest you do is back off and tell him, you support him in the decisions he makes regarding HIS children and HIS ex. Then you do it. He is doing the right thing. YOU are not.
 

commentator

Senior Member
My kudos to you in that you did not introduce yourself as a 'fiance' and start acting like a very dedicated stepmother, trying to demand any rights in this situation.

It's pretty easy to see what you'd like your boyfriend to do in this situation. But since, as you say, you are a child of divorce, you must realize that the children do not want to be rescued from or taken away from their mother. They LOVE BOTH parents. And everything you do that in any way tries to get your boyfriend to, perhaps, take mom to court while she's homeless (change in circumstances)and try to get full custody of the children, if that's the good advice you were thinking we should come up with for him, is going to drive a bitter wedge between you and ever having any relationship with those kids. And perhaps even with him.

And that may very well break up you and him, because he comes with these kids and the responsibility for caring for these kids AS HE SEES BEST. Obviously he thought the way to handle it was to allow them to move back to his place.

So what if this woman can manipulate him and control him and has talked him into letting her move back in till she gets on her feet? That won't change, and he is an adult, and a free agent. He may need counseling to get away from her manipulation, but it won't come from you. If he wants to, he can keep her and the kids there with him and keep dating you on the side. You decide if what he does is okay with you, but he's the one who decides what he wants to do.
 
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stealth2

Under the Radar Member
At the end of the day, this is not your legal concern.The best thing you can do is tell your b/f that you support his decisions wrt his kids.
 

commentator

Senior Member
So when if any time do I offer my opinions or strong feelings about it? Only if and when he asks?
Excellent, excellent, thumbs up! That's what he's all about. Him and his junk, his ex, his kids, etc. And you have nothing to do but wait until he asks for your opinions, suggestions, ideas, etc. Or move along. If this man is worth having, you must wait and let HIM work this out. If he is going to be all about dependency and drama and being bullied by a dysfunctional ex, thank God you have found it out before you and he are too attached. HIM, not you, not even the two of you. I am very empathetic. I got a beloved second sister in law this way. But it took a lot, and she has had to endure a lot, and now the children are grown and moving on, and love her very much. But it has not been easy for anyone concerned. The ex is still a problem to herself and others, but life has been good for my brother because of the wisdom of this special woman who wanted him (for some reason!) Back off, wait, and see if this gets resolved. Best wishes to you.
 

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