Weighing the scenarios!

[vespinoza]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

Hi there. I have a soon to be 4 y.o whose birth father has only seen him about 15 days in his life, last time being in July 2014 for 30 minutes (the other encounters occurred birth to July 2013). I went on Washington state assistance for the first two months of the child's life before moving back to California July 2013. I did not continue services in Ca. Washington State opened a child support order because of the assistance (I would not have ever filed) and in April 2015 (3 years later!!!), they tracked him down and ordered him to pay $40.00/mo. which he has failed to pay until recently because his wages are being garnished. I have had minimal contact with him (i.e I let him know my number changed 10/2015). He has said in the past "he is just a bill" and "I don't want to see him ever". Before my son turned 1, a got into a new relationship and that man has assumed the father role in my son's life, he calls him dad; that's all he knows. His birth father knows this and says it is best he stays out because he does not want to confuse him or anything. I recently have moved the Washington State Child Support order to the State of California.

Now here is where the Custody question comes into play.

I know he will be very upset with the outcome of this child support hearing. He has gotten away with only paying (or not paying) $40/mo; It's looking to be about ($550.00 with healthcare/childcare add ons). I am worried he will try to file for custody when that judgment comes about. He doesn't know anything about my son. He is on the birth certificate. I am getting married next year. His birth father says he would sign away rights for a stepparent adoption(he said this 10/2015). Since he has yet to have any contact with him, what are some possible outcomes (or the best)? What should I be doing on my end? I feel like I should have left the child support case alone, but I can't take that back now. Any Suggestions?! I don't know him very well to say whether he'd be a good parent or bad, but he did hit me a few times while pregnant and spit in my face. I never let anyone know about it because my family would not have taken so kindly to it and I was young and trying to make "my little family work". It's been years, so I don't know if the risk is still there.

Thank you for reading and any replies are much appreciated.

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

Hi there. I have a soon to be 4 y.o whose birth father has only seen him about 15 days in his life, last time being in July 2014 for 30 minutes (the other encounters occurred birth to July 2013). I went on Washington state assistance for the first two months of the child's life before moving back to California July 2013. I did not continue services in Ca. Washington State opened a child support order because of the assistance (I would not have ever filed) and in April 2015 (3 years later!!!), they tracked him down and ordered him to pay $40.00/mo. which he has failed to pay until recently because his wages are being garnished. I have had minimal contact with him (i.e I let him know my number changed 10/2015). He has said in the past "he is just a bill" and "I don't want to see him ever". Before my son turned 1, a got into a new relationship and that man has assumed the father role in my son's life, he calls him dad; that's all he knows. His birth father knows this and says it is best he stays out because he does not want to confuse him or anything. I recently have moved the Washington State Child Support order to the State of California.

Now here is where the Custody question comes into play.

I know he will be very upset with the outcome of this child support hearing. He has gotten away with only paying (or not paying) $40/mo; It's looking to be about ($550.00 with healthcare/childcare add ons). I am worried he will try to file for custody when that judgment comes about. He doesn't know anything about my son. He is on the birth certificate. I am getting married next year. His birth father says he would sign away rights for a stepparent adoption(he said this 10/2015). Since he has yet to have any contact with him, what are some possible outcomes (or the best)? What should I be doing on my end? I feel like I should have left the child support case alone, but I can't take that back now. Any Suggestions?! I don't know him very well to say whether he'd be a good parent or bad, but he did hit me a few times while pregnant and spit in my face. I never let anyone know about it because my family would not have taken so kindly to it and I was young and trying to make "my little family work". It's been years, so I don't know if the risk is still there.

Thank you for reading and any replies are much appreciated.

If the father (that's all, not "birth father," unless you like to be called "birth mother") wants to see his child, the court will order it.

You should not lie to your child about his parentage.

 

[vespinoza]

If the father (that's all, not "birth father," unless you like to be called "birth mother") wants to see his child, the court will order it.

You should not lie to your child about his parentage.

Well if I wasn't in the picture and another woman raised my child for their whole life, I wouldn't mind being called his birth mother as that's all I'd be. If his birth father still agrees to the adoption, that's all he will be. I was just coming to seek advice on whether this scenario is something I should worry about. I know everything can be circumstantial and every set of parents are different; I'm just trying to get a general feel. Would it make sense for the child to involved with him if he knows nothing about him, and vice versa? The court would/could just automatically take him from me and force the child to go somewhere with people he's never encountered in his life? Or would they some sort of introduction period (like supervised)? I don't think he would even file as he's expressed multiple times that he is 100% okay to sign over his rights.
I would not lie to him about his parentage.
Thank you for your comments, much appreciated.

-V.

 

[CTU]

Well if I wasn't in the picture and another woman raised my child for their whole life, I wouldn't mind being called his birth mother as that's all I'd be. If his birth father still agrees to the adoption, that's all he will be. I was just coming to seek advice on whether this scenario is something I should worry about. I know everything can be circumstantial and every set of parents are different; I'm just trying to get a general feel. Would it make sense for the child to involved with him if he knows nothing about him, and vice versa? The court would/could just automatically take him from me and force the child to go somewhere with people he's never encountered in his life? Or would they some sort of introduction period (like supervised)? I don't think he would even file as he's expressed multiple times that he is 100% okay to sign over his rights.
I would not lie to him about his parentage.
Thank you for your comments, much appreciated.

-V.

Short, supervised visits are appropriate until they get to know each other. If Dad does want to be part of his child's life, the court WILL let him do so and that will generally nix any idea of a stepparent adoption.

 

[Silverplum]

Short, supervised visits are appropriate until they get to know each other. If Dad does want to be part of his child's life, the court WILL let him do so and that will generally nix any idea of a stepparent adoption.

Yup. That's what I would have written, if I wasn't old and slow.

 

[CTU]

Yup. That's what I would have written, if I wasn't old and slow.

<--- more senile than slow

 

[stealth2]

Ditto what CTU said. He's unlikely to get custody, but if he files, he will almost certainly get parenting time. It will likely start with short supervised visits in your area, and increase in time w/o supervision. Eventually to include overnights and trips to his Dad's area.

You should start thinking about how you will explain to the child that your husband is not his "actual" father. That needs to be done no matter what - your son deserves to know where he came from. He WILL find out eventually, and that could lead to a very ugly situation for all of you. And no, he is not too young. It is something he should have always known. And no, he is not too young.

Best of luck.

 

[Zigner]

Since "custody" means different things in different states, it's not quite true to say he's unlikely to get "custody". It's quite possible that he'll receive joint legal custody, and it's also possible that he'll receive joint physical custody, with the mother being the primary custodial parent.

It's really a matter of semantics, though, since the scenario I laid out above realistically works the same as what y'all have stated.

 

[CJane]

You should start thinking about how you will explain to the child that your husband is not his "actual" father. That needs to be done no matter what - your son deserves to know where he came from. He WILL find out eventually, and that could lead to a very ugly situation for all of you. And no, he is not too young. It is something he should have always known. And no, he is not too young.

Best of luck.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. My son has also had virtually no contact with his father and is now a couple of weeks away from turning 11. He has always known that there is a father who helped make him and he now has a stepfather who is helping raise him. That same stepfather will eventually adopt him when we get around to filing the paperwork. My son understands all of that as well.

He has been raised from day one with the notion that his father was not equipped to be a parent and that we should be thankful that he realized that and made the decision not to be involved sooner rather than later when there's less heartache involved.

Such an explanation might not work for every child. But every child deserves some kind of explanation, and knowledge of their history.

 

[stealth2]

LOL Can I say again: He is not too young!

 

[Pinkie39]

My oldest sister is adopted. Birth mother died during childbirth and birth father was unknown. My parents adopted her as a baby. They told her when she was about 2 that she was adopted. They got an age appropriate story book about adoption to read to her to help explain it.

A 4 year old is certainly old enough to understand that a stepparent is not their actual parent.