Fiancé’s financial problems effect on future wife

[donna1015]

I live in Florida. I'm a 32yo college educated divorced woman with an 11yo daughter. I am engaged to a 42yo divorced man with 2 kids who is in the banking industry. We own a home together under both of our names but other than that, our finances and banking are basically separate for now. I have good credit and earn over $60K/yr. He does not have good credit (due to divorce and bad investment decisions) but had been earning over $100K for many years due to the banking industry. The house we purchased is above my price range but we bought it based on our combined incomes.


He was hired by a major bank about 2yrs ago. He was given a sign-in bonus in the form of a loan for over $300K when he started which required him to stay with the bank for at least four years(among other things). Less than a year into the job he was let go due to low performance and the bank is now litigating to get most of their money back. My fiancé thinks they don't have a good case because the terminology on the contract didn't specify a sales goal. I haven’t actually read the contract myself but I think he's delusional if he thinks he's going to beat the bank. He has hired an attorney and says he will do "whatever it takes" to ensure that he doesn't have to pay them back even if it means declaring bankruptcy. The case will probably take a while to be resolved and we will be married by the time it is finallized.

They filled a U5 against him and he was forced to go into business on his own (which isn't going very well yet). Most of the money is gone since he has had to use it to pay the bills since he was let go.

I love him because he is a good man in all other aspects but I think he's bad with money and I don't trust him with my credit or my financial future which I have worked very hard for.

My question is, how will his problems affect me and my credit once we are married? What can I do to protect myself?

Thanks,
Donna

 

[xylene]

I love him because he is a good man in all other aspects but I think he's bad with money and I don't trust him with my credit or my financial future which I have worked very hard for.

That sounds worse then you might mean it to sound, but it doesn't sound good . You are saying that you believe that he is going to either intentionally or negligently put it to you with money.

I hate to say it but you feel need to plan as if that is the case, probably you are right.

My question is, how will his problems affect me and my credit once we are married? What can I do to protect myself?

Bluntly, why are you planning on getting married before his numerous financial problems are resolved.

You would be foolish to not wait until at least the litigation and bankruptcy are over.

When (if) you do get married, talk with a lawyer first. Prenup.

Also, you seem convinced that marriage means automatically a total commingling of funds. It does not have to.

You have your own history, with a previous divorce. And your own child to think of.

Not getting married does not mean you don't love each other or can't build a life together.

No matter how much one is wanting to build a home - it does not make sense to build on shifting sands.

 

[latigo]

You made one huge mistake in purchasing the home jointly!

Don’t make another by tying the nuptial knot before he crawls out of his financial quagmire. If you do, you are going to regret it.

Don’t let love blind you in both eyes. Keep the good one focused on yours and your daughter’s future financial wellbeing.

 

[donna1015]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I see how you feel that your advise is practical and maybe I was too practical in my explanation of it, however, we need to look at the situation from the standpoint of a single mom. There are NOT many good men in the world who will help you raise your kid (trust me, I looked around for many years). Being in this relationship allows my daughter and I the opportunity to function in a family setting. He treats us with respect, doesn't run around, shares the parenting responsibility, and is the "man of the house" in every respect. To me, when you are raising a child, those things are more important than money.

When we bought the house, he put the entire down payment with his own money because I did not have anything to put down but put it under both our names as the beginning of the life we are trying to build.

Being a family is a long term plan. The financial situation is a short term problem.

That being said, I want to make sure I protect myself and my credit. I don't think he'd intentionally do any harm to my financial existence but it's a big risk that I'd like to try to leverage. Would a prenup be able to do that? Are there any other options

 

[CourtClerk]

Are there any other options

The most obvious option is to not marry him until he takes care of his financial issues.

Yet, you don't want to do the smart thing.

 

[Zigner]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I see how you feel that your advise is practical and maybe I was too practical in my explanation of it, however, we need to look at the situation from the standpoint of a single mom. There are NOT many good men in the world who will help you raise your kid (trust me, I looked around for many years). Being in this relationship allows my daughter and I the opportunity to function in a family setting. He treats us with respect, doesn't run around, shares the parenting responsibility, and is the "man of the house" in every respect. To me, when you are raising a child, those things are more important than money.

When we bought the house, he put the entire down payment with his own money because I did not have anything to put down but put it under both our names as the beginning of the life we are trying to build.

Being a family is a long term plan. The financial situation is a short term problem.

That being said, I want to make sure I protect myself and my credit. I don't think he'd intentionally do any harm to my financial existence but it's a big risk that I'd like to try to leverage. Would a prenup be able to do that? Are there any other options

Oh, I get it. You're attempting to replace the child's father.

 

[xylene]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I see how you feel that your advise is practical and maybe I was too practical in my explanation of it, however, we need to look at the situation from the standpoint of a single mom. There are NOT many good men in the world who will help you raise your kid (trust me, I looked around for many years). Being in this relationship allows my daughter and I the opportunity to function in a family setting. He treats us with respect, doesn't run around, shares the parenting responsibility, and is the "man of the house" in every respect. To me, when you are raising a child, those things are more important than money.

If it is more important than money, then why does it matter if you end up broke?

Oh, wait. Because you are divorced and you know first hand that it doesn't always work out.

When we bought the house, he put the entire down payment with his own money because I did not have anything to put down but put it under both our names as the beginning of the life we are trying to build.

I agree with the others. Why did you buy a house together without either being married or a written agreement in place?

Being a family is a long term plan. The financial situation is a short term problem.

Bankruptcy and a looming 300 K judgment on an unemployed person is not a short term situation.

Either you are willing a choose to take on these problems OR cool your heels for 18 to 24 months until this gets resolved.

That being said, I want to make sure I protect myself and my credit. I don't think he'd intentionally do any harm to my financial existence but it's a big risk that I'd like to try to leverage. Would a prenup be able to do that? Are there any other options

It's like on the one hand you are planning for this relationship to fail and you get sucked under financially, but on the other you want it now.

A prenup is not prefect, but it could only help.

Questions to ask yourself:

Why is this man rushing me to get married?

Why am I ignoring the danger signs?

What tangible things (ie things of money, not this 'man of the house' business) do I gain from taking on the risk?

Why is he adverse to a prenup and separate marital finances?

Why am I adverse to putting on the brakes on my second marriage when my prospective spouse has so many problems right now (underemployed / lawsuit / BK / works in an industry that is on its rear...) that will (should / need to) go away with some time?


MOST IMPORTANT one to ask yourself:

Why do I feel like he will abandon me if I assert my self interest?

 

[Hot Topic]

Why are you singing the guy's praises for treating you with respect? That's what he's supposed to do. Why are you praising him for not running around on you? That's what he's not supposed to do.

With all your concerns, this relationship is bound to end up badly.

 

[Country Living]

So you're feeling this is your last chance at love and marriage since there aren't many good men out there who are willing to take on the responsibility of raising someone else's child.

His viewpoint may be there aren't many women out there who would put up with his money and life mismanagement and he's hit a gold mine. It also sounds like nothing is ever his fault (this is where I would wander over and have a chat with the ex-wife).

How he deals with these problems is a reflection of how he will deal with any issues and whether or not he has honesty, integrity, respect, trust, and other values you may want in a partner. He lost his job because he wasn't doing his job. You need his income to keep the house.

I am stunned you bought a house together. You should have bought one YOU could afford. What are you going to do when the house goes into foreclosure or one of you breaks off the relationship and he forces the sale of the house in order to get his money out of it? What were you thinking???

The fact you're on this board shows your little "uh oh" feeling is going off and you have this nagging doubt about his ability to take care of you and your daughter. Your daughter is going to get the short end of all this.

Who said the now famous words of wisdom "a man is not a plan"?