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No contact order

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Amandathomas818

Junior Member
I live in Kansas with my husband and two sons. Me and my husband got into a fight a few nights ago, he had had too much to drink. He called me all kinds of names and I put my hands on him. He told me he was going to kill me and I called my dad for help. My dad ended up calling the police. They took my husband into custody for two nights. They set a bond of $7,500 and put a no contact order in place. Here’s my dilemma, this is the FIRST time this has ever happened between us. I am not a battered woman and he is not abusive. The police report says he was the aggressor and yet i’m The only one who put hands on him. I have tried calling the DA and recanting my false statement of him putting his hands on me, but he won’t listen. I got my husband an attorney and even he doesn’t believe me. He does say if I recant my statement it will just make things worse for my husband. We still have a no contact order, my husband has contacted a pastor for counseling and we want to do couples counseling. His attorney says he is going to try and get the no contact lifted soon. What are the odds of it actually being lifted? What can I do to help? No one will listen when I say he never touched me and i’m not afraid of him. They are threatening me with perjury if I recant. Can someone help??
 


CdwJava

Senior Member
Approximately 3/4 of DV victims try to recant their statements and will even risk jail to protect their abuser. Most prosecutors expect that to happen.

Chances are your husband will receive a plea offer for diversion (assuming this is available in your state for DV offenses). It may require counseling and anger management, or something similar, but it could ultimately result in a clean record if he completes it.

On the other hand, when your husband gets an attorney and if he decides to go to trial, he can call you as a defense witness and you can testify that you lied. However, you should really consult your own attorney before you admit to lying to the police on the stand. Once you admit to the lie, he will have you over a barrel because you will be a liar. Any future claims against your husband will be met with skepticism and your credibility could well be ruined for any legal proceedings in the future.

Please, consult an attorney before you do something that cannot be undone.
 

CTU

Meddlesome Priestess
I live in Kansas with my husband and two sons. Me and my husband got into a fight a few nights ago, he had had too much to drink. He called me all kinds of names and I put my hands on him. He told me he was going to kill me and I called my dad for help. My dad ended up calling the police. They took my husband into custody for two nights. They set a bond of $7,500 and put a no contact order in place. Here’s my dilemma, this is the FIRST time this has ever happened between us. I am not a battered woman and he is not abusive. The police report says he was the aggressor and yet i’m The only one who put hands on him. I have tried calling the DA and recanting my false statement of him putting his hands on me, but he won’t listen. I got my husband an attorney and even he doesn’t believe me. He does say if I recant my statement it will just make things worse for my husband. We still have a no contact order, my husband has contacted a pastor for counseling and we want to do couples counseling. His attorney says he is going to try and get the no contact lifted soon. What are the odds of it actually being lifted? What can I do to help? No one will listen when I say he never touched me and i’m not afraid of him. They are threatening me with perjury if I recant. Can someone help??
He threatened to kill you.

Do not expect the state to drop the matter; they don't actually need your statement to get a conviction and honestly hon, this is very often how it starts. Everything is fine, and then there's a bit of nastiness, then there's a bit of a scuffle, and it goes on and on and eventually one of two things will happen and I'd rather not read your obituary.

Please get counseling, too - by yourself.
 

CdwJava

Senior Member
These things escalate. I cannot tell you how many times over the decades I have seen these incidents begin with an argument and watch as they transformed into ever greater aggression and violence.

I bet if you looked back, there have been incidents of verbal abuse, threats, and even domineering behavior. One does not simply start off all of a sudden with threats to kill you such that you are so afraid for your safety you call for help! Experience tells us that this was NOT an isolated incident, even if it might have been the first time he made such a dire threat.
 

Eekamouse

Senior Member
It's always interesting to me how a woman can give a false statement to the police when she's angry but then regrets it when she discovers that there are consequences for lying. Or maybe her statement wasn't false but now she is finding out that the courts don't fool around with domestic violence cases so she wants to take what she said back. The only ones I feel sorry for are the children who are innocent witnesses to the immaturity of the adults in their lives.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
I live in Kansas with my husband and two sons. Me and my husband got into a fight a few nights ago, he had had too much to drink. He called me all kinds of names and I put my hands on him. He told me he was going to kill me and I called my dad for help. My dad ended up calling the police. They took my husband into custody for two nights. They set a bond of $7,500 and put a no contact order in place. Here’s my dilemma, this is the FIRST time this has ever happened between us. I am not a battered woman and he is not abusive. The police report says he was the aggressor and yet i’m The only one who put hands on him. I have tried calling the DA and recanting my false statement of him putting his hands on me, but he won’t listen. I got my husband an attorney and even he doesn’t believe me. He does say if I recant my statement it will just make things worse for my husband. We still have a no contact order, my husband has contacted a pastor for counseling and we want to do couples counseling. His attorney says he is going to try and get the no contact lifted soon. What are the odds of it actually being lifted? What can I do to help? No one will listen when I say he never touched me and i’m not afraid of him. They are threatening me with perjury if I recant. Can someone help??
Never happened before? Really? I doubt it.
 

Amandathomas818

Junior Member
Here’s the issue I keep running into and absolutely nobody believe me. I was the aggressor in the situation. I was HIGHLY emotional. And i’ve Heard the 80% of domestic abuse victims recant blah blah blah. Not all cases are the same. For what it’s worth I got a defense attorney that refused all domestic violence cases to take on my husband. But i’m not here to convince anyone that my husband is not abusive. I’m here to see if there is something I can do to help lift the no contact order?

I can not in good conscience make someone take the fall for my mistakes. And nobody seems to understand that because there is no way a woman could be the aggressor in a DV case. It’s incredibly frustrating.
 

CdwJava

Senior Member
Also, I didn’t call the police. I wasn’t afraid of him. But that’s probably just the battered woman in me talking.
No, you called your daddy and told HIM that your husband was threatening to kill you. So, you lied to your father, first ... why?

Understand that the primary aggressor is not necessarily the one who laid hands on the other party, first.

And, no, there's likely nothing you can do to convince the court to lift the order. It will likely remain in place until the court matter is resolved.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
Here’s the issue I keep running into and absolutely nobody believe me. I was the aggressor in the situation. I was HIGHLY emotional. And i’ve Heard the 80% of domestic abuse victims recant blah blah blah. Not all cases are the same. For what it’s worth I got a defense attorney that refused all domestic violence cases to take on my husband. But i’m not here to convince anyone that my husband is not abusive. I’m here to see if there is something I can do to help lift the no contact order?

I can not in good conscience make someone take the fall for my mistakes. And nobody seems to understand that because there is no way a woman could be the aggressor in a DV case. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Ask the attorney. You might also want to inquire what charges you will be facing for filing a false police report.
 

HRZ

Senior Member
Your admission to a crime may not be the smartest move either...ask your own counsel to advise.
 

Eekamouse

Senior Member
Here’s the issue I keep running into and absolutely nobody believe me. I was the aggressor in the situation. I was HIGHLY emotional. And i’ve Heard the 80% of domestic abuse victims recant blah blah blah. Not all cases are the same. For what it’s worth I got a defense attorney that refused all domestic violence cases to take on my husband. But i’m not here to convince anyone that my husband is not abusive. I’m here to see if there is something I can do to help lift the no contact order?

I can not in good conscience make someone take the fall for my mistakes. And nobody seems to understand that because there is no way a woman could be the aggressor in a DV case. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Then you lied to the police when they questioned you so if they DO believe you, guess what? You could be charged for lying to the police.
 

CTU

Meddlesome Priestess
Here’s the issue I keep running into and absolutely nobody believe me. I was the aggressor in the situation. I was HIGHLY emotional. And i’ve Heard the 80% of domestic abuse victims recant blah blah blah. Not all cases are the same. For what it’s worth I got a defense attorney that refused all domestic violence cases to take on my husband. But i’m not here to convince anyone that my husband is not abusive. I’m here to see if there is something I can do to help lift the no contact order?

I can not in good conscience make someone take the fall for my mistakes. And nobody seems to understand that because there is no way a woman could be the aggressor in a DV case. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Yes, that must be it. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
 

sp7233

Junior Member
CALL the national dv hotline

Your husband had bullied you and so you pushed him away? Although there is no excuse for putting your hands on him, I encourage you to look at the dynamics of your relationship. Who is in control? Is your husband always emotionally abusive towards you? Have you asked him previously to NOT engage in this behavior? Does he not care? Does this only happen when he drinks? Then why is he STILL drinking and using that as en EXCUSE for HIS behavior? Domestic Violence is about control & an ENTITLEMENT to that. NOT an alcohol issue, NOT an anger issue.

Legally there might not be much you can do because he did threaten your life & obviously you were afraid of him because you CALLED someone. I encourage you to reach out to a local organization that offers free legal assistance or advice. I know that sometimes courts have VICTIM advocates and they might be able to answer your questions and concerns. You can call 211 or NDVH for resources in your area.

Regardless, I would also safety plan around this situation. Your husband has threatened to kill you, which should never be taken lightly. If he is the abuser, you might be in danger either emotionally or physically after his release. Have a plan with your father in case he does something like this again. It might be helpful as well, because a lot of the times family members want to TAKE CONTROL & tell you what to do. Including them in the safety plan can reassure them that you are aware of their concern for your safety while also establishing the boundary that at the end of the day, it is your choice on how to handle this situation EX: know which room in your home is safe, if he starts drinking again this might be your que to be more aware of what he is doing and your surroundings, children should be included in this safety planning, if he owns a gun hide it (with a restraining order, he should not have one tho). Your decisions are yours to make & I am not here to judge. Please reach out to resources regardless of what it is you decide to do and safety plan around the decisions you are wanting or needing to make.

IF you really are the abuser in this situation then I would still encourage you to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, to talk about these dynamics and being held accountable for your behaviors & the programs available geared to assist with being held accountable for the abusive behavior and encouraging healthy reactions, etc.
 

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