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Police Wife found out Husbands Girlfriend filed Domestic Abuse

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Scaredwife10

Junior Member
My husband has been a police officer for 20 years and he has cheated on me multiple times. I finally just accepted it and moved on. Lately, he has had an affair with a woman who he met apparently on a call. The story is that she and her boyfriend had a fight, he responded, he took her number for a report then started calling and texting her a few weeks after.
She has been seeing him a year, I had no idea she had been in my home when I was gone, he has had sex with her on duty, texts saying he loved her, texts of her saying it back, and there is evidence I have been told of text messages admitting these things, he texted her boyfriend that he was having an affair, with screen shots she had sent him, and she has evidence of him verbally abusing her, badly. Apparently he started being jealous and being incredibly verbally abusive, which he is, I have lived with it. I think even one night they had an argument, she said to take it out on me, not her, and we ended up with a bad fight.

She cut off all contact, contacted a domestic violence counselor, took her texts that apparently she had kept for months, and is now filing complaints with the department against my husband along with some lawyer and counselor. I also found out she is a victim of sex abuse and has bipolar, has been suicidal, and is on a lot of medications. She is not unhinged, but it seems she is really damaged.

My husband says that he probably wont get fired, but they have suspended him and the sex on duty part is what the department is upset over. And how he first met her.
Could this really make him lose his job? I think she is at fault, she knew he was married and she had sex with him. If he loses his job we will have no money. He said she may try to prosecute him. I cant get anything out of him...prosecute for what? Nothing was physical, he just verbally abused her except for some complaint he threw something at her and punched a wall.
 


Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
My husband has been a police officer for 20 years and he has cheated on me multiple times. I finally just accepted it and moved on. Lately, he has had an affair with a woman who he met apparently on a call. The story is that she and her boyfriend had a fight, he responded, he took her number for a report then started calling and texting her a few weeks after.
She has been seeing him a year, I had no idea she had been in my home when I was gone, he has had sex with her on duty, texts saying he loved her, texts of her saying it back, and there is evidence I have been told of text messages admitting these things, he texted her boyfriend that he was having an affair, with screen shots she had sent him, and she has evidence of him verbally abusing her, badly. Apparently he started being jealous and being incredibly verbally abusive, which he is, I have lived with it. I think even one night they had an argument, she said to take it out on me, not her, and we ended up with a bad fight.

She cut off all contact, contacted a domestic violence counselor, took her texts that apparently she had kept for months, and is now filing complaints with the department against my husband along with some lawyer and counselor. I also found out she is a victim of sex abuse and has bipolar, has been suicidal, and is on a lot of medications. She is not unhinged, but it seems she is really damaged.

My husband says that he probably wont get fired, but they have suspended him and the sex on duty part is what the department is upset over. And how he first met her.
Could this really make him lose his job? I think she is at fault, she knew he was married and she had sex with him. If he loses his job we will have no money. He said she may try to prosecute him. I cant get anything out of him...prosecute for what? Nothing was physical, he just verbally abused her except for some complaint he threw something at her and punched a wall.
You think SHE is at fault? :eek: Your husband abused his position of authority and pursued an affair with the woman, whom he later committed domestic violence against. Just because you are ok with this sorry excuse for a police officer, man, or human being, don't expect others to be. While I don't deny that the other woman may have some culpability in this, the fact is that your husband should shoulder the majority of the blame. Frankly, your husband should be fired (and prosecuted, for that matter).

In case it doesn't show, you don't get any sympathy from me. You are blaming the victim, so shame on YOU!
 

Scaredwife10

Junior Member
Yes but can she not be held legally responsible for sex with a police officer on duty? Is that not illegal for her?

He had her in my house while I was gone. Since it's my house is that not illegal? Her lawyers are accusing him of talking advantage of a woman with a mental disorder because she told him when he came to her home on the call that she was in therapy. A in, he knew she was weak and would be easy to brainwash. But she has a job and is intelligent. So obviously she's not "mental".
 

CTU

Meddlesome Priestess
Yes but can she not be held legally responsible for sex with a police officer on duty? Is that not illegal for her?
No.

He had her in my house while I was gone. Since it's my house is that not illegal?
No.

Her lawyers are accusing him of talking advantage of a woman with a mental disorder because she told him when he came to her home on the call that she was in therapy. A in, he knew she was weak and would be easy to brainwash. But she has a job and is intelligent. So obviously she's not "mental".
Where did you get your medical degree? Oh. That's right.

Divorce your cheating husband. THAT is your legal option.

Eta: I doubt this is the wife actually posting.
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
Yes but can she not be held legally responsible for sex with a police officer on duty? Is that not illegal for her?
I am genuinely shocked that you are not laying the blame squarely on your husband's shoulders. I really baffles me how you cannot see your husband as the one committing a crime here.

He had her in my house while I was gone. Since it's my house is that not illegal?
It's his house too.

Her lawyers are accusing him of talking advantage of a woman with a mental disorder because she told him when he came to her home on the call that she was in therapy. A in, he knew she was weak and would be easy to brainwash.
Yep, he's a predator.

Get your head out of the sand!
 

Shadowbunny

Queen of the Not-Rights
I think she is at fault, she knew he was married and she had sex with him. If he loses his job we will have no money. He said she may try to prosecute him. I cant get anything out of him...prosecute for what? Nothing was physical, he just verbally abused her except for some complaint he threw something at her and punched a wall.
You do realize that as a cheater, he's also a liar, and most likely didn't tell her that he was married. At least not at first. But he's the one who took a vow to be faithful, not her.

And throwing something at her and punching a wall is most certainly domestic abuse. Because it was a way to keep her under control.

You're angry at the wrong person; she's not the one who screwed you over.
 

CdwJava

Senior Member
Yes, he can and SHOULD lose his job. Period. End of story. There are so many possible policy violations in the actions you describe here that if the agency keeps him around it is only because his record is otherwise impeccable, and they do not believe termination would stand up to a Skelly hearing or arbitration.

The officer does not have to break the law to be terminated with cause. If he physically abused he should also be prosecuted!

This turd does not deserve to wear the badge and should be fired. Period.
 

xylene

Senior Member
He's being coy about the depth of do do he is in to keep you from divorcing him.

He'd rather you wait until he "needs" you and can manipulate you into staying.

And if you forgive him for cheating, and have before, fine. Cheating is arguably much less consequential than flushing his career because of terrible judgment.
 
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Just Blue

Senior Member
My husband has been a police officer for 20 years and he has cheated on me multiple times. I finally just accepted it and moved on. Lately, he has had an affair with a woman who he met apparently on a call. The story is that she and her boyfriend had a fight, he responded, he took her number for a report then started calling and texting her a few weeks after.
She has been seeing him a year, I had no idea she had been in my home when I was gone, he has had sex with her on duty, texts saying he loved her, texts of her saying it back, and there is evidence I have been told of text messages admitting these things, he texted her boyfriend that he was having an affair, with screen shots she had sent him, and she has evidence of him verbally abusing her, badly. Apparently he started being jealous and being incredibly verbally abusive, which he is, I have lived with it. I think even one night they had an argument, she said to take it out on me, not her, and we ended up with a bad fight.

She cut off all contact, contacted a domestic violence counselor, took her texts that apparently she had kept for months, and is now filing complaints with the department against my husband along with some lawyer and counselor. I also found out she is a victim of sex abuse and has bipolar, has been suicidal, and is on a lot of medications. She is not unhinged, but it seems she is really damaged.

My husband says that he probably wont get fired, but they have suspended him and the sex on duty part is what the department is upset over. And how he first met her.
Could this really make him lose his job? I think she is at fault, she knew he was married and she had sex with him. If he loses his job we will have no money. He said she may try to prosecute him. I cant get anything out of him...prosecute for what? Nothing was physical, he just verbally abused her except for some complaint he threw something at her and punched a wall.
Lady...You need help. Serious help.
As in PhD.


Your husband is abusive and abused his position as a police officer to get laid. And you defend him and victim blame. Sickening.
 

commentator

Senior Member
What this person needs, desperately, quickly, is a good counselor. She is obviously (if this post is for real) financially dependent on a very weak member here. While many people of both sexes, traditionally women will marry someone and make a career out of being a "police officer's supportive partner" or a "military wife" who launders the uniforms and makes the home life so this other person can have a career, everyone needs that power that having some "walk away money" and supportive friends to go to will give you. Because not having it puts you in position of being financially and physically dependent on this other person, regardless of their potentially poor (in this case awful) behavior. Part of the fear of getting away is financial, in that he's been supporting her. And a big part of this is that no matter what he's doing otherwise, she's learned to pacify and not cause trouble and to be supportive to him, trying to avoid the wrath of this abusive controlling jealous nasty person she's so invested her future with and is so totally dependent on.

What has happened is that he has gotten tired of bullying the OP, she was such a good soldier that she's become no challenge for him, so he went for more excitement and drama from an available and willing "badge bunny." These are everywhere. Police officers know all about them. Even the least intelligent celebrity or professional athlete has usually learned to avoid the lure of these people who make themselves available to them based on their profession or for financial or even legal reasons (even judges and presidents have to watch this too!).

But think what your life is going to be like if he does get fired, which he richly and warmly deserves to be. You'll be with a broke, frustrated, nasty, guilty, controlling bossy jealous man who will probably find some way to blame YOU for everything bad that has happened to him and for everything that will go wrong in his future. And which he very much deserves to have happen to him because of HIS and only his behavior. They know the rules. He knew better than to do what he did, even though he's selling and you're buying into the old "I was taken advantage of" story. And can't we figure out some way to blame this other woman? There's always another woman out there. Don't let him take out any life insurance on you.

YES they can legally fire him And oh boy yes, you need to get away from him too. And yes, it will make him FURIOUS at you if you leave him and ask for support for yourself and/or children if any are involved. Stay safe, but get counseling and GET AWAY from this person, whether he gets fired now or not. Remember that police officer who has officially done away with how many wives now? The one where they can't find his last wife, the one who used to be his children's baby sitter. Lovely man!
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Oh my goodness... Suppose, for a moment, that your sister, daughter or best friend were to recount this story about her husband. What would you tell her? What a terrible woman he's having an affair with? Or to start looking for work so as to get away from her sorry husband?

And I hope to high heaven that you are being regularly tested for STDs.
 

cbg

I'm a Northern Girl
Yes but can she not be held legally responsible for sex with a police officer on duty? Is that not illegal for her? No, it's not. There's no law that limits who SHE can have sex with.

He had her in my house while I was gone. Since it's my house is that not illegal? Of course not. He lives there too.

Could this really make him lose his job? It not only could, I'll be astonished if it doesn't.

I think she is at fault, she knew he was married and she had sex with him. I don't. I think he is at fault. She may or may not have known he was married, but he definitely knew.

If he loses his job we will have no money. Then your husband should have thought of that before he had sex with someone he wasn't married to while he was on duty.

He said she may try to prosecute him. I wouldn't be at all surprised.

I cant get anything out of him...prosecute for what? Nothing was physical, he just verbally abused her except for some complaint he threw something at her and punched a wall.

If throwing something at her and causing damage to property (punching the wall) aren't enough, how about what you said earlier:

Her lawyers are accusing him of talking advantage of a woman with a mental disorder because she told him when he came to her home on the call that she was in therapy

FYI, plenty of people who have mental disorders are capable of holding down a job.

You're angry at the wrong person, there. She doesn't owe you diddly.
 

Scaredwife10

Junior Member
The woman is stating she does not want to press charges. She just wants him to be punished administratively because she says she does not want to ruin his life.

I'm saying she ruined my life. She did know he was married but he didn't tell her at first. But once she knew she still had a relationship.

Can I not sue her?
 

cbg

I'm a Northern Girl
No. You cannot sue her. Your husband is the one who took vows of loyalty to you. She did not. Your husband knew that he was married right from the very beginning. She did not.

If your life is ruined, it's not because she failed to stop an affair once she found out he was married. It's because he went into the affair in the first place.
 

CdwJava

Senior Member
The woman is stating she does not want to press charges. She just wants him to be punished administratively because she says she does not want to ruin his life.
The cat's out of the bag and out of her hands ... and yours.

Your husband chose to do what he did, this is HIS doing and no one else's.

I'm saying she ruined my life. She did know he was married but he didn't tell her at first. But once she knew she still had a relationship.
No, HE caused this. And HE is not worth your pity or sympathy.

Can I not sue her?
Probably not.
 

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