Georgette1930
Junior Member
Hello, I am in Ontario, Canada, so I'm not sure if anyone can help, but even general advice would be appreciated. My common-law husband has been sick for many years; what started out as possible lack of motivation, depression and laziness has turned into an unknown neurological disorder resembling Parkinson's disease but much worse. He has currently been in the hospital since April 2017 and it looks like the doctors have given up on him. He hasn't walked since he has been in hospital, has been on a feeding tube since September, and barely talks.
When I thought he was just being lazy it caused major relationship problems, as he had quit his job and could not get motivated to look for a new one. As a result there was a lot of fighting, bad feelings and resentment. It became apparent the problem was more than that and had a medical cause approximately five years ago. In 2014 things between his parents and I went downhill because they blamed me for the major changes that were happening with their son. After many tests the doctors were still puzzled, but then he got a diagnosis in 2015 of a disease that had a life expectancy of 4-6 years from time of diagnosis. Since then I have tried to convince him to set up a POA and to discuss plans for long-term care but he kept getting upset whenever I brought it up so I would back off, figuring I would be the default SDM if the need arose. Even his father told me off for "constantly going on about it" and told me how much I was upsetting him and that I should stop talking about it in front of him. I told his father that I couldn't handle him as his condition was deteriorating, and if he didn't want him to go into long-term care then maybe he should move in with his parents, but his father said they couldn't take him.
In 2016 I expressed to his doctor my level of frustration trying to take care of him. He suggested setting up a capacity assessment to transfer his decision-making power to someone else, like a POA or court-appointed guardian. I agreed. When I told his father he got upset and asked me to cancel it, so I did. The whole time I still occasionally brought up the subject of a POA and long-term plans with my husband, but he still refused to talk about it.
In April 2017 he experienced an acute episode of weakness so I had to call an ambulance, and he has been in the hospital ever since. When he first went in, I was signing consents for any procedures that were required, as I was listed as his POA in the hospital database. Up until this time I had also been signing for prior tests, procedures, etc, including during a hospital stay the year before. However, about a month after he went into the hospital a doctor tried to give him a medication similar to one he had tried previously that had had terrible side effects. I told the doctor that I wanted it discontinued until I could talk to his regular doctor. When his father found this out he flew into a rage and blurted out that he has POA and had had it since 2014, coincidentally around the time his parents and I had had the falling-out. By this time my husband was unable to speak up for himself at all, and his condition continued to deteriorate.
His father then went to the hospital staff and told them he was POA, however the hospital never checked with me to see if I had a more recent one, even though they had me listed in their database as his POA. Since then his father has had conversations with doctors that he hasnt shared with me, called in a specialist whose input resulted in transfer to a mental hospital, consented to treatment without consulting me first, and changed all the emergency contact information in his file.
When I asked his father why he didnt tell me about having this POA prior to my husband being hospitalized, his answer was that it wasnt his secret to tell; however I believe there are two occasions when he should have. First, when my husband was given the possible diagnosis of a disease that had a four to six year prognosis; and second, when I told his father that his doctor wanted to do a capacity assessment. This is not to mention the numerous times I told his father I was having difficulties coping, and when he knew I had been asking my husband to complete advanced directive paperwork.
I believe his father has misused the POA by taking it to mean he has supreme power to make whatever decisions he feels without being accountable to anybody else. He claims that it was my husbands idea, and unfortunately I havent been able to confirm this because my husband has been in an incapacitated state ever since. However, he has always been very strongly influenced by his father; in fact, his father used to be his boss at his old job.
I feel very used during this whole ordeal. Not only have I had to deal with the difficulty of watching my husband get sicker and sicker, but also while facing blame for it and questioning every decision I make regarding his care. I was forced into the position of caregiver because I thought it was my responsibility. My husband wouldnt go voluntarily into a nursing home, his father didnt want him to go into one, his father didnt want a capacity assessment done on him, and his parents were also not willing to have him live with them. His fathers suggestion about 18 months ago was to set him up in an apartment of his own, and to have friends and family check on him. Even his doctor said that clearly was not an option, so I continued to stay and take care of him. In addition, he is on my medical plan at work so he has had semi-private hospital room coverage paid for by my insurance that amounts to $21,000, along with several years worth of medication and mobility equipment reimbursed. I feel that he and his entire family used me for free caregiving, as well as to pay for medical benefits. I took care of my husband in good faith, believing it was my responsibility, and trusting that he and his family respected my position as his caregiver. Instead, when I tried to get affairs in order, as had been recommended to me by his doctors, I was lied to.
I suppose I am wondering if, as his common-law wife, and as his primary caregiver for several years, do I have any basis to support a challenge to this POA? I still have not seen it with my own eyes, and I would have thought the hospital should have verified that it was valid, since I was listed as his POA when he went into the hospital, and I signed for several different medical procedures prior to his fathers revelation. I was reluctant to ask his father to show me the POA because he has clearly demonstrated vindictive behaviour in the past and I worried that he would retaliate again by shutting me out completely. And sure enough, I asked him earlier this week and he caused a scene in the hospital corridor, and told me that if I wanted to see it I could ask my lawyer to request it from his lawyer.
In light of the fact that my husband has had declining health for a few years, could it be proven that he was coerced into signing the POA when he was not mentally capable? I have many reports from doctors stating a diagnosis of "moderate cognitive impairment" dating back four years, which would likely be prior to when this supposed POA was signed.
Sorry this is so long; it is a very complicated story and to be honest I have condensed it tremendously!
When I thought he was just being lazy it caused major relationship problems, as he had quit his job and could not get motivated to look for a new one. As a result there was a lot of fighting, bad feelings and resentment. It became apparent the problem was more than that and had a medical cause approximately five years ago. In 2014 things between his parents and I went downhill because they blamed me for the major changes that were happening with their son. After many tests the doctors were still puzzled, but then he got a diagnosis in 2015 of a disease that had a life expectancy of 4-6 years from time of diagnosis. Since then I have tried to convince him to set up a POA and to discuss plans for long-term care but he kept getting upset whenever I brought it up so I would back off, figuring I would be the default SDM if the need arose. Even his father told me off for "constantly going on about it" and told me how much I was upsetting him and that I should stop talking about it in front of him. I told his father that I couldn't handle him as his condition was deteriorating, and if he didn't want him to go into long-term care then maybe he should move in with his parents, but his father said they couldn't take him.
In 2016 I expressed to his doctor my level of frustration trying to take care of him. He suggested setting up a capacity assessment to transfer his decision-making power to someone else, like a POA or court-appointed guardian. I agreed. When I told his father he got upset and asked me to cancel it, so I did. The whole time I still occasionally brought up the subject of a POA and long-term plans with my husband, but he still refused to talk about it.
In April 2017 he experienced an acute episode of weakness so I had to call an ambulance, and he has been in the hospital ever since. When he first went in, I was signing consents for any procedures that were required, as I was listed as his POA in the hospital database. Up until this time I had also been signing for prior tests, procedures, etc, including during a hospital stay the year before. However, about a month after he went into the hospital a doctor tried to give him a medication similar to one he had tried previously that had had terrible side effects. I told the doctor that I wanted it discontinued until I could talk to his regular doctor. When his father found this out he flew into a rage and blurted out that he has POA and had had it since 2014, coincidentally around the time his parents and I had had the falling-out. By this time my husband was unable to speak up for himself at all, and his condition continued to deteriorate.
His father then went to the hospital staff and told them he was POA, however the hospital never checked with me to see if I had a more recent one, even though they had me listed in their database as his POA. Since then his father has had conversations with doctors that he hasnt shared with me, called in a specialist whose input resulted in transfer to a mental hospital, consented to treatment without consulting me first, and changed all the emergency contact information in his file.
When I asked his father why he didnt tell me about having this POA prior to my husband being hospitalized, his answer was that it wasnt his secret to tell; however I believe there are two occasions when he should have. First, when my husband was given the possible diagnosis of a disease that had a four to six year prognosis; and second, when I told his father that his doctor wanted to do a capacity assessment. This is not to mention the numerous times I told his father I was having difficulties coping, and when he knew I had been asking my husband to complete advanced directive paperwork.
I believe his father has misused the POA by taking it to mean he has supreme power to make whatever decisions he feels without being accountable to anybody else. He claims that it was my husbands idea, and unfortunately I havent been able to confirm this because my husband has been in an incapacitated state ever since. However, he has always been very strongly influenced by his father; in fact, his father used to be his boss at his old job.
I feel very used during this whole ordeal. Not only have I had to deal with the difficulty of watching my husband get sicker and sicker, but also while facing blame for it and questioning every decision I make regarding his care. I was forced into the position of caregiver because I thought it was my responsibility. My husband wouldnt go voluntarily into a nursing home, his father didnt want him to go into one, his father didnt want a capacity assessment done on him, and his parents were also not willing to have him live with them. His fathers suggestion about 18 months ago was to set him up in an apartment of his own, and to have friends and family check on him. Even his doctor said that clearly was not an option, so I continued to stay and take care of him. In addition, he is on my medical plan at work so he has had semi-private hospital room coverage paid for by my insurance that amounts to $21,000, along with several years worth of medication and mobility equipment reimbursed. I feel that he and his entire family used me for free caregiving, as well as to pay for medical benefits. I took care of my husband in good faith, believing it was my responsibility, and trusting that he and his family respected my position as his caregiver. Instead, when I tried to get affairs in order, as had been recommended to me by his doctors, I was lied to.
I suppose I am wondering if, as his common-law wife, and as his primary caregiver for several years, do I have any basis to support a challenge to this POA? I still have not seen it with my own eyes, and I would have thought the hospital should have verified that it was valid, since I was listed as his POA when he went into the hospital, and I signed for several different medical procedures prior to his fathers revelation. I was reluctant to ask his father to show me the POA because he has clearly demonstrated vindictive behaviour in the past and I worried that he would retaliate again by shutting me out completely. And sure enough, I asked him earlier this week and he caused a scene in the hospital corridor, and told me that if I wanted to see it I could ask my lawyer to request it from his lawyer.
In light of the fact that my husband has had declining health for a few years, could it be proven that he was coerced into signing the POA when he was not mentally capable? I have many reports from doctors stating a diagnosis of "moderate cognitive impairment" dating back four years, which would likely be prior to when this supposed POA was signed.
Sorry this is so long; it is a very complicated story and to be honest I have condensed it tremendously!