How importantt is coaching time with a child?

[mdonovin]

What is the name of your state? NJ child 13 yrs old


i am the non custodial
ex wife says
Dad as his soccer coach does not count towards quality time

In an email repeated by my son she wrote

(Your son-name withheld) does not view soccer practice and games as quality time spent with you. You ARE there and he's glad about that, but quality time is not you watching your son and a dozen other boys chase a soccer ball.​

You are not his coach. I do not email everyone, just his coach (Randy) and sometimes Luda because she is the parent rep for the team.​

btw-i have coached him for 7yrs...this year i took an assistants job..Randy is the head coach but I feel its common sense that the Dad should be notified whether he is a coach or not!

am i missing something?

Don't teachers, coaches, scout leaders etc have a huge impact on a child?

has this happened to anyone else?

any opinions on the value of my time with my son as a soccer coach?

thanks everyone

 

[CJane]

What is the name of your state? NJ child 13 yrs old


i am the non custodial
ex wife says
Dad as his soccer coach does not count towards quality time

What do you mean by 'quality time'?

If you're arguing that you spend more time wth Jr than she does because you coach soccer on her days, that's a losing fight. On those days, you're coach dad, not dad dad. It's not parenting time.

Much like my ex claiming that because his wife provided child care for our children, and therefore the children were in his house on my days while I worked, that he had more parenting time. Didn't fly.

So again, what are you speaking of legally when you say quality time?

 

[nextwife]

AS long as there is ALSO one-on-one time together, and as long as soccer is desired and enjoyed by your child (rather than something YOU enjoy and they don't want or care about), soccer time together is parent-child time.

My dad ran a couple of programs I was involved with as a kid, and I loved him doing them with me and all the other kids.

 

[mdonovin]

thaks for the reply Cjane

i guess i am asking doesn't the coach have an impact on a child? as a role model?

and isn't that a good thing for the child?

this is coming about because of her interference with my visitation

I am driving 20 miles to coach soccer and the ex wife will choose
NOT to bring him...e.g. "He decided he wanted to do something else"
typical SCHEDULED Pravctice day has gone like this

1
email to ex in the morning--reminder we have practice
btw-i typically include the statement to contact me if there will be any conflicts or if son wont be at practice tonite
2--
no reply
3
i call her home/cell phone many times that day and get no response

4
she finally picks up phone at 615---15 mins after practice started to say
he decided to something else

 

[CJane]

she finally picks up phone at 615---15 mins after practice started to say
he decided to something else

That's not interference. That's a mom who isn't interested enough in soccer to make the kid go to practice. Frustrating for the coach, but completely legal.

My kids don't always make every practice, nor do they make every riding lesson. The coach gets irritated, the don't compete in the next game/competition and we go on with our lives.

It's only interference if it's YOUR ORDERED TIME.

 

[majomom1]

I am gaving a little trouble understanding your question and what is going on. Yes a coach is a role model for the kids and I believe all time my kids is quality time. I enjoy every minute I can with them.

What exactly is she not notifying you of? She emails the others, for what reason? To say that your son won't be at practice? But fails to notify you until the last minute?

Are practices scheduled during your time and you are not getting that time because she doesn't bring him to practice? Or is this during her time and she feels like you are invading her time, so she doesn't bring him to avoid you?

Soccer is a team sport. I do not let my kids choose to not go to practice. Once they commit to play, they go to practice, so your ex is wrong to allow your son to choose not to go. She also needs to just suck it up and deal with you being there. Both parents have the right to watch or coach their kids activities.

 

[CJane]

. Both parents have the right to watch or coach their kids activities.

Yes but... if this isn't dad's ORDERED time, it's not considered parenting time and dad would have no more cause to sue mom for interference than the coach does. Because in THIS capacity, he's not parent he's coach.

Mom is dropping the ball, for sure... but if that's what this guy is basing his contempt on, it's NOT gonna fly. Just not.

 

[mdonovin]

I am gaving a little trouble understanding your question and what is going on. Yes a coach is a role model for the kids and I believe all time my kids is quality time. I enjoy every minute I can with them.

me too...have you read the book "wisdom of our fathers" by tim Russert?
these are a compilation of letters from adults recalling time spent with their fathers and
​

its remarkable how them smallest simplest action/gesture or word makes a huge impact on a child....i think we all have moments that are "burned" into our brains---moments that you will never forget
I highly recommend this for all parents
​

What exactly is she not notifying you of? She emails the others, for what reason? To say that your son won't be at practice? But fails to notify you until the last minute?

yes---but typically does not contact me at all to say he wont be there​

Are practices scheduled during your time and you are not getting that time because she doesn't bring him to practice? Or is this during her time and she feels like you are invading her time, so she doesn't bring him to avoid you?

this is midweek-her time
it is this-"she feels like you are invading her time, so she doesn't bring him to avoid you? " but really its to annoy me and control me and my son​

Soccer is a team sport. I do not let my kids choose to not go to practice. Once they commit to play, they go to practice, so your ex is wrong to allow your son to choose not to go. She also needs to just suck it up and deal with you being there. Both parents have the right to watch or coach their kids activities.

how does one regulate the OVER scheduling of activities...??​

i have my son playing 2 sports (without mutual consent she signs him up) at the same time...I have asked her repeatedly to get mutual consent...all documented...she continues to ignore my requests

she wants him to swim 12 months a year 5 days a week including virtually all my weekends
and if any of you have swimmers on clubs you know there is virtually no face time with a child at a swim practice or swim meet...we sit 40 feet above the pool in the grandstands
sometimes for 8 hrs a day (at a big meet) to watch their child race for a total of 12 minutes!!!!it is easily the most boring sport to watch...imo

​

 

[mdonovin]

Yes but... if this isn't dad's ORDERED time, it's not considered parenting time and dad would have no more cause to sue mom for interference than the coach does. Because in THIS capacity, he's not parent he's coach.

Mom is dropping the ball, for sure... but if that's what this guy is basing his contempt on, it's NOT gonna fly. Just not.

NO not at all
its clear its not my time as ordered

thnx
mik

 

[CJane]

yes---but typically does not contact me at all to say he wont be there

But she DOES contact the coach, yes? You'd be there anyway to assistant coach, right?

this is midweek-her time
it is this-"she feels like you are invading her time, so she doesn't bring him to avoid you? " but really its to annoy me and control me and my son

If it's her time, it's her time. And I fail to see how it's controlling YOU. It's YOUR choice to coach the team - you need to be there whether your son shows or not.

how does one regulate the OVER scheduling of activities...??

Depends on what your order says.

my son playing 2 sports (without mutual consent she signs him up) at the same time...I have asked her repeatedly to get mutual consent...all documented...she continues to ignore my requests

Is she ordered to get your consent? Does your order mention anything about Extracurriculars?

she wants him to swim 12 months a year 5 days a week including virtually all my weekends
and if any of you have swimmers on clubs you know there is virtually no face time with a child at a swim practice or swim meet...we sit 40 feet above the pool in the grandstands
sometimes for 8 hrs a day (at a big meet) to watch their child race for a total of 12 minutes!!!!it is easily the most boring sport to watch...imo

Perhaps some support or interest from you would be good. If your son WANTS to swim and your son is GOOD at it, why WOULDN'T you want him to participate?

I know my parents didn't enjoy sitting in the hot sun watching me and my horse tear through a jump course - sometimes, we were in the ring less than 50 seconds - but they did it because it was important to ME that I participate. Neither of them even LIKE horses.

Honestly, while I can see the inconvenience (though 20 miles is NOT a big deal - I live 20 miles from a Wal-Mart, for goodness sake) would be irritating, perhaps you need to have a heart to heart with your kid about activities and stuff.

ANd you REALLY need to be specific about what your order says regarding these things. For all we know, you're ORDERED to take him to activities.

 

[mb94]

If this isn't your time then she doesn't have to bring the child to practice. This has nothing to do with you being the coach or assistant coach. It's the same situation when one signs kids up for activities and then gets upset when the other parent won't take them to practices on that parents time. The good news: Your wife can't tell you what to do with your son on your time. The bad news: You can't tell her what to do on her time.

The other issue is that you want the kid to play soccer. Mom wants him to swim. Which one does he want to do? Of course, he probably tells you that he loves soccer more, but he also probably tells Mom he loves swimming more. Kids tell their parents what they want to hear. The kid didn't ask to come from a broken home. If you guys were still together you'd have to work out what sport he'd play since he doesn't have time for both. If you can't do that, then maybe it's time to go to mediation or court to get a decision made. Until then, barring a court order, you don't have to participate in swim activites during your time and Mom doesn't have to participate in soccer during her time.

 

[CJane]

The good news: Your wife can't tell you what to do with your son on your time. The bad news: You can't tell her what to do on her time.

While this is usually true, we don't know that it is in OP's case. It's becoming more common that the NCP be ordered to take child to extracurriculars if the child was previously involved.

 

[mdonovin]

thanks everyone


yes "mutual consent" is ordered in the agreement and every time she has ignored the need to agree and she goes ahead and signs him up WIThOUT MUTUAL CONSENT I have documented this and asked her to get mutual consent...she refuses
(5 times this has happened over 3 years)

there is no mention of activites in the agreement...i will define this in the motion
can i do that?

I have never NOT taken my son to swimming or any other activity because my NCP rights were violated...he goes and I go...

I do not tell him about any of our mutual consent incidents

I have never told him he cannot go to swimming and i never discourage the other activity
(i just think its a boring sport to watch--LOL)
I have never been consulted about signing him up for ANY of the swim sessions so there is no "mutual consent" (this in the court order)

every preseason i sit down with my son, look him in the eye and ask him if he wants to play soccer....I tell him ITS OK if he doesnt want to...he knows i will not force him to play.
he loves the game

i do get him to the swim meets and practices on my time...

to me a parent who forces their child to do an activity like sports
is not doing the right thing

i believe he is over booked
can we regulate that through a court order?

besides these activites ARE NOT FREE
one swimming season could be 1000 dollars before travel expenses are factored in..
(overnites out of state with hotel stays, travel expenses, equipment etc.)
swimming team are somewhat elitist in NJ
thats why there are very few inner city kids on swim teams

 

[CJane]

Please post EXACTLY what your order says regarding extracurricular activities and 'mutual consent'.

Yes, things like activities can be addressed in new orders, but as your son CURRENTLY participates in both sports and you have developed a status quo of taking him to the events, then it's HIGHLY UNLIKELY that you'd be able to change that now.

 

[mdonovin]

i dont want to stop him from swimming at all
i just want to establish dialog and reinforce the "mutual consent' clause
the sports activities are only the most visible incidents where mutual consent is ignored
it has happened with other things too

excerpt from divorce papers
"the parties shall share joint legal custody of (chid) and shall share in all major decisions relative to (child's) health education and welfare. Plaintiff (ex wife) shall be designated the parent of primary residence....."

from what i understand I have a very simple order without much detail