being denied visitation with my daughter

[adinicholson]

What is the name of your state? Louisiana. I am a single mother with two children. I have custody of my oldest daughter. My youngest daughters father and I were never married and upon our splitting up, never filed for custody. We have worked on a verbal custody, visitation and financial agreement for the last 11 years. Upon my request, my daughter went to live with her father for a short while when she was 8 months old due to post partum depression which I couldn't seem to shake. I still saw and kept my daughter several times a month during this period while continuing to solely raise and support my oldest daughter. After I recovered I went to bring my daughter back to live with me and her father requested that things remain as they were because he had become so atted to her. Noticing through all of this that he was a good father to her and they had formed a great bond and was p[roviding a good environment for her I agree to his request. I continued to get her 3 to 4 days and nights per week until his job took him to Monroe, La. (2 hours from Shreveport). Visitation with my daughter decreased to weekends, summers and holidays. Her father married when she was almost 4 and she got a new baby brother by the time she started kindergarten. Due to the addition of school and a sibling, visitation again decreased. I began getting her every other weekend, every other week during the summer and every other holiday. As there were now additional cost for her with school, We agreed that instead of paying an actual child support I would begin driving the entire distance between our two homes to pick her up and drop her of for my time with her. Two years ago, my daughter began requesting that she miss a weekend so she could attend parties and functions in Monroe. I agree a couple of times then began to notice that it was becoming a habit. I started telling her no to most request of this kind but this past year her father and stepmother are telling her yes! Without consulting me. They are allowing and encouraging her to speak to me in a very disrespectfull manner to get her way. Now they are making plans for her on my weekends and refusing to allow me to get her. Last month, I saw my daughter a total of 23 hours for the entire month. Due to the apparent fact that they are trying to weed me out of her life, I want my daughter to come and live with me as I have always encouraged my oldest daughter to visit her father and even worked with him on several occassions over the past 14 years so he could have her even when it is not his court specified time and have never once denied him visitation. However, I do not want my daughter to be unhappy and have decided to fille for visitation so it is set in stone and they can't deny me my time. I need advise as to how to go about this correctly. When I told my daughters father that I was planning on doing this, he told our daughter that I was going to try to take her away from him. She called me and told me that she would tell the judge that she didn't want to see me anymore. I still intend to file for visitation but need some serious help so I don't mess this up for her or myself as I cannot afford a lawyer. Please, any advice - even negative - will be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Ohiogal]

Go for a visitation schedule and set times. Do not go for a change in custody. I won't even get in to the fact that we don't even know if he is legally the father or anything of that nature due to the amount of time that has passed.

 

[adinicholson]

Thanks for the advice.

How can I go about it without involving my daughter anymore than her father has already involved her and protect her from being coached or influenced by her father and stepmother against me? Also is this acheiveable without a lawyer?

 

[adinicholson]

Also, Will that have any weight in this situation? Him not being legally declared the father I mean.

I did put him on the birth certificate and our daughters last name is our last names hyphenated. He has never challanged me on the fact that he is her father and I have never denied that he was, as we both know she is his child.\

Also, What do you mean sayning "Due to the amount of thime that has passed"? I'm sorry but please, if it is important in any way, elaberate as I am blind deaf and dumb when it comes to matters of the law as I have never had the occassion to research it before.

Although it is legally filed, my ex husband & I agreed upon custody of my oldest daughter and visitation without the court having to step in.

 

[Ohiogal]

Thanks for the advice.

How can I go about it without involving my daughter anymore than her father has already involved her and protect her from being coached or influenced by her father and stepmother against me? Also is this acheiveable without a lawyer?

You can get visitation schedule without a lawyer -- petition for mediation to start with. You cannot protect her from being coached or influenced however what you can do is acknowledge that she has activities and friends and a life apart from you which is predominantly near her father. You can try to immerse yourself in her life at least partially without expecting her to remove herself from it completely during your time.

 

[Ohiogal]

Also, Will that have any weight in this situation? Him not being legally declared the father I mean.

I did put him on the birth certificate and our daughters last name is our last names hyphenated. He has never challanged me on the fact that he is her father and I have never denied that he was, as we both know she is his child.\

Also, What do you mean sayning "Due to the amount of thime that has passed"? I'm sorry but please, if it is important in any way, elaberate as I am blind deaf and dumb when it comes to matters of the law as I have never had the occassion to research it before.

Although it is legally filed, my ex husband & I agreed upon custody of my oldest daughter and visitation without the court having to step in.

If he is on the birth certificate then he signed an AOP correct? Due to the amount of time that has passed, you cannot make a logical winning argument that your daughter should be with you because he is a legal stranger. Without a custody order and if the two of you were never married, you legally had sole custody. However due to the fact that several years have passed and he is her father that point is moot.

 

[adinicholson]

It is almost impossible to immerse myself in her life in Monroe as I live and work in Shreveport which is two hours away from her home in Monroe. My oldest daughter is already giving up activities of her own in order to be with her sister when we get her and it would not be right to pull her away anymore as she also spends time an hour away from her home in Shreveport to be with her father.

I have always acknowledged that predominately, her life is in Monroe. Over the years due to changing circumstances I have always been the one to give up time with her and my visitation has dwendled as I described in my origional post. I don't think it is to much to ask that I get 48 hours twice a month. After all, She still gets to spend the majority of her time in Monroe.

I would never try to take my youngest daughter from her father & I would never deny that he is her father for self gain. For the most part he is a good father to her and a good provider. She is happy there. I just want to be apart of my daughters life and have her be a part of her sisters and my families lives - who all live in Shreveport.

My oldest daughter spoke with my youngest daughter on the phone and she believs that My youngest daughter father intends to not allow me to se her because I said I was filing for visitation. Can he do that when custody has never been filed? Do I have the legal right to just pick her up without his permission for my weekends?

 

[adinicholson]

Well, I guess thats it for the advise I am going to get. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond Ohiogal. I will continue to look into other resources.

 

[escape2paradise]

File for visitation as OG stated. At the same time file a motion for a temporary parenting plan with standard visitation.

 

[adinicholson]

Thanks so much e2p. I hadn't even thought of that. Does anyone know where I can get these forms without going through a lawyer and or how much I am looking at having to pay here?

 

[wileybunch]

I Google'd and found this that calls itself the standard visitation plan, not necessarily for Louisiana:

http://www.divorcehelp.net/visit.htm

You can use that to tailor to what makes sense in your situation.
That same site also offers to prepare the paperwork for you based on your inputs.

 

[adinicholson]

Thanks wb. I really do appreciate the help. Perhaps you or someone could help with this:

I posted a similar cry for help on another forum in persuit of as much info as I could get,(not sure but hope it is not frowned upon) and a response I received was as follows:

"You have a long road to walk. If you try to do it without an attorney you will come out on the short end of the order. Since you were never married you had full custody of your daughter and in a legal sense willingly gave her up. It will be hard to get the rigid custody you want at this point due to her age."

As I kept a regular and frequent visitation schedule with my daughter over the last 11 years, is there any merit to this? And, would him witholding her after all that time be considered unlawful visitation interference if it was court ordered and therefore, not "unlawful" but badly viewed upon by the court when brought to light? Also, it is evident by her behavior changing over this past year that his interference has had an unhealthy and harmful effect on mine and my daughters relationship.

What should I be thinking right now?

 

[proud_parent]

Thanks wb. I really do appreciate the help. Perhaps you or someone could help with this:

I posted a similar cry for help on another forum in persuit of as much info as I could get,(not sure but hope it is not frowned upon) and a response I received was as follows:

"You have a long road to walk. If you try to do it without an attorney you will come out on the short end of the order. Since you were never married you had full custody of your daughter and in a legal sense willingly gave her up. It will be hard to get the rigid custody you want at this point due to her age."

As I kept a regular and frequent visitation schedule with my daughter over the last 11 years, is there any merit to this? And, would him witholding her after all that time be considered unlawful visitation interference if it was court ordered and therefore, not "unlawful" but badly viewed upon by the court when brought to light? Also, it is evident by her behavior changing over this past year that his interference has had an unhealthy and harmful effect on mine and my daughters relationship.

What should I be thinking right now?

IMO, you should be thinking:

Am I prepared to do what is necessary to obtain enforceable visitation orders?
Am I prepared to do what is necessary to ensure that the court enforces those orders?
Am I prepared to do what is necessary to repair my relationship with my daughter?
Am I prepared to admit that I consented to become alienated from my child by not doing all of the above sooner?

It is not unreasonable for you to expect that the court will grant you regular visitation, at a frequency at least equal to the status quo. You can pursue this without an attorney if you are willing to learn and to follow proper court procedure. That said, you do indeed have a long road to walk, and by no means does it end at the courthouse.

In other words, don't presume that a judge's order will change anything. Your ex and his wife have been successful in reducing your access to your daughter because you have acquiesced. Your daughter has learned to be disrespectful of you because you have done too little to stop it. And you have contributed by accepting the erosion of your position in your child's life. None of that is likely to be reversed without significant changes in YOUR outlook and behavior.

Yes, get a temporary parenting plan established with the courts. But also form your own personal plan for overcoming the inertia of the past eleven years. Stop letting time, distance, lack of funds, ignorance of your rights, lack of motivation, or whatever other barriers you encounter to interfere with your relationship with your daughter.

Frankly, your child may have concluded by now that you are content to allow the relationship to falter and to continue to be a doormat. If that is NOT the case, then resolve to step up your efforts. Do what you need to demonstrate that your time with daughter is more important than her social functions, and that you take your role as parent seriously enough to exercise your rights despite her father's lack of cooperation. Do that, and you may do a lot to regain her respect.

 

[wileybunch]

Amen, proud_parent.
Let me tell you, OP, she is dead on. My DH would acquiesce under the totalitarian dictatorship "for the sake of the kids" b/c Mom could not handle things, she left Dad, said she was replacing him as the father (of 4 kids, 4-14yo), but was very jealous of the new life Dad went on to have and a previous attempt to go to court made things worse -- parents that use home court advantage can be real monsters and sometimes caring parents do the Solomon's child sorta thing and let go a little so the kids won't suffer. Then they let go a little more (b/c the dictators don't stop being dictators) and a little more until there's not much left any more. I have told my DH that his ex being the warrior -- illegal, immoral, cunning, nasty, etc. though she is -- is a source of safety and protection to a child's mind. When she wants something, she will bulldoze, lie, cheat, etc., whatever it takes, to get what she wants. While children can be disturbed watching a parent behave in such a manner, they also have an intense need for safety and that comes with the warrior parent. When parents back down or give up when the fight seems too hard, that goes against the child's need for safety and security and the child will know not to count on you EVEN IF you think you are always doing the moral and gentle thing with regard to the child. You have to be prepared to get in this and STAY in it and see it through including counseling with your DD which you should specifically request be allowed as part of the resulting order.

 

[adinicholson]

That was a little harsh Proud Parent. Wileybunch, thanks for putting it in a softer mannerand I will take your advice about requesting counseling with Dad. It is very difficult for me in this position not to become emotional and your words were much kinder but got the same point across. I do realize that my relationship with my daughter has faltered due to my "not wanting her to hurt" attitude, however, in my defense, I thought it was a phase.

I have custody of my oldest daughter, we have had our moments but our relationship is sound and to her, I am the warrior parent. Although her father is now in the picture I am still the only source she considers for stability.

I did stand up for myself with my youngest daughters father. I demanded my time, however, after driving over there, they would not be home and would not answer there phones until my time had passed then would apologize and say they forgot or that their plans were set in stone. This happened on 4 different occassions. They would also coach her to behave poorly, regardless of consequence from me (and there were consequences), and told her to tell me that was the way she was going to act every time I got her when she wanted to do something else. She slipped up and told my oldest daughter of this last plan who quickly told me. When I confronted them about it, they lied and my youngest daughter stood there and lied to me with them.

I visit her school at the beginning of each year to meet her teachers. I am looked at with confusion because her new teachers have been told by my daughters dad and step mother that her step mother is her real mother. They get to know me over the year through emails and phone conversations then it starts all over again the next year. They even went as far as to take my half of my daughters last name out of her name when enrolling. This is something else I correct every year. The school doesn't even check it againest her birth certificate until I mention it.

There are walls every where for me, but......I do climb over them. One by one. This seems to have neither worsened or bettered my relationship with my daughter.

I just keep calling her, telling her how much I love her and that I can't wait to see her again. She replies with, "Why are you trying to make me feel quilty?" Even though it hurts to hear when I know no such thing is happening, I just keep telling her hoping to break through that shell.

What I am trying to say is, I never quit my daughter, I NEVER WILL quit my daughter, I will persue her until the end of time. She is my air. Without her in my life, I don't think I could breath. My love runs way to deep to give up. "Staying in it", is not a problem.

I AM prepared to do what is necessary to obtain enforceable visitation orders?
I AM prepared to do what is necessary to ensure that the court enforces those orders?
I AM prepared to do what is necessary to repair my relationship with my daughter?
I WILL NEVER admit that I consented to become alienated from my child by not doing all of the above sooner?

Because that would be a lie. I never consented to being alienated from my child. The progression of denied visitation was quick were are talking about a 9 month period and we did not take it to court because we did not want our child to be draged through that process. His views have apparently changed, otherwise I would not be having to do this. Why would I make a snap judgement about someone with whom I have had a good, working relationship with for the previous 10 1/2 years. I gave him time to change his ways and that was it.

Just because someone gets in their car and begins to drive does not mean that they consented to be killed in the wreck caused by a drunk driver.

Other posters, Please do not allow harsh words and idol assumptions from people who know nothing about you other than what you have posted to bring you down. Stand up for yourselves and truly good and helpful people will realize their error and will know that their behavior is not acceptable. If it continues, look at the good advice only.

I am not a careless parent and never have been Proud_Parent. Are you a Perfect_Parent? If so, can I borrow the handbook to raising children that God gave you? You don't know how hard I have been fighting so don't make that assumption about me. And, if it wasn't intentional, realize that people have emotions and please be more careful in your wording next time. People do not post because they are bored, they post because they are in those situations and those situation are already putting enough stress on them. Don't add to it.