third party interference, visitation

[MUNCIEMOMUV2]

What is the name of your state? Indiana

Sorry if this gets long....I have a 7yo daughter whose father has not been a part of her life for five years now. He has been legally declared her father and I have sole legal/physical custody and I tried to set up visitations between him and his daughter but he never followed through. We went to court for child support back in 03 and the judge told him that unfortunately they do not do visitation in that court only child support and that if he wanted his visitation rights then he would need to file and take me to circuit court to establish that...he never filed for it so as of this time he has no visitation rights but like I stated before i tried to set up visits between them and he never showed or called. I received this email from his wife, I am posting it here and hoping some of the brilliant minds here could help me with a good response and also am I at fault since he has never filed for his visitation rights? Here is the email:

Mother of child,


I have stayed out of this for the past 5 years and have kept my mouth shut regarding the issues between you and JC long enough.

I am not writing this to bicker with you at all because I have 3 little girls who would love to meet their sister. I don't understand how you can accept father's mom and sister as their family yet would reject my little girls the opportunity to know Jacy when father's mom and sister are their grandma and aunt as much as they are DD. Our children have the right to know each other and as much as this is probably going to upset you, I am the one who paid off the child support to give him this opportunity to know his daughter.

He has become a good man and doesn't do stupid **** anymore. He has worked hard to become the person he is and not too long ago was very ill regarding health issues. You try to blame him for everything on the reasons that he hasn't been there for DD and you constantly point your finger, but you didn't let him have the right to see her. You always have made yourself look like the good guy because you were upset that you two didn't end up together.

He doesn't want to fight with you. He just wants to have the opportunity to know his daughter. It has hurt him this long to know that you have kept in touch with his mother and sister, but refused to allow him to speak with her. Your child support payment of $4,781.00 is at the Delaware County Clerk's office. They informed him that they can hold it for up to 6 months. I could be a jerk and file a injury spouse claim and him not have to pay for any of it because he isn't working at the moment "due to health reasons", but I am not because I think you and DD deserve that money. No one realized that it was that much, but I have been in your shoes more than once to take care of my children on my own and it is very hard. I hope that the money helps you all get what you need and I hope it makes DD very happy.

She is very beautiful and my mom even said that her and Bubby have alot of features in common. They got along when they were very small and Leedia would like very much to see her again. We haven't lied to our children at all about her. All three of my children know that she is out there.

In the end , if you chose, and I hope you don't- to keep them apart, they will only go looking for her when she is 18. All of the kids have a right to know each other and DD has a right to know her father and his family. If you are accepting aunt and grandma as DD's family- then you have to accept the rest of them is all I am saying.

Good luck and wish DD our love.

 

[Isis1]

has DAD ever contacted you to see his daughter? outside of actually getting off his lazy butt to get visitation himself?

 

[CourtClerk]

First of all, go back, edit your post and take out everyone's name (including your own)... replace them with AAA, BBB, CCC XXX, whatever.

Response:

Dear Ex's new wife,

Thank you for your letter and I appreciate you making the CS payment on your husband's behalf. I have read your letter and thought about it intensely. Please meet me at the local park on Saturday with your children so we can sit, have coffee and discuss this. You are correct, the children shouldn't have to be a party to any of this and they deserve to know one another. Perhaps we can start on Saturday. I'll bring the sandwiches, you bring the drinks. Do your kids prefer ham, turkey or peanut butter and jelly?

Time to put on your big girl panties and remember this is about the kids. She sounds like she's trying to make an effort, and as sad as it sounds, sometimes it's the wives that keep the families together.

 

[CourtClerk]

Also, enable your PM's. Gonna tell you a story.

 

[MUNCIEMOMUV2]

has DAD ever contacted you to see his daughter? outside of actually getting off his lazy butt to get visitation himself?

No he hasnt. I set up a visit between us at a local restaurant in front of our attorneys and I waited there with our child for fifty minutes and he never showed, didnt call to reschedule or anything.
He started calling me from work approx. four months later but never once mentioned our daughter, just kept asking me personal questions about myself and I told him that we had nothing to discuss EXCEPT our child and kept pushing him to see her until he finally said "F@#K it, where do you want to meet?" and we did meet at a park and he played with her but didnt contact me again to set up anything else (I couldnt contact him because I had no contact info for him except for his work but he quit). That was in 04. On December 14, 2005 we went to court because he wasnt paying his support, I talked to him in the hallway and told him he could come see her if he wanted and made sure he had my new phone number (his attorney wrote it down for him and I still lived in same place that he knew) and he said he would call and come see her, never called but six months later I received a letter in the mail that he was now living in Seattle and thats the last I heard from him.

I just found out All of them are living in Orlando, Florida now so I dont know how I am keeping anyone from seeing her and one part of the email that really bothered me was about the support and that she could be a jerk and file injured spouse to get that money back and he wouldnt have to pay any of that....evidently she doesnt realize that the arrearages will still be there and that he will have to pay those no matter what.

 

[MUNCIEMOMUV2]

First of all, go back, edit your post and take out everyone's name (including your own)... replace them with AAA, BBB, CCC XXX, whatever.

Response:

Dear Ex's new wife,

Thank you for your letter and I appreciate you making the CS payment on your husband's behalf. I have read your letter and thought about it intensely. Please meet me at the local park on Saturday with your children so we can sit, have coffee and discuss this. You are correct, the children shouldn't have to be a party to any of this and they deserve to know one another. Perhaps we can start on Saturday. I'll bring the sandwiches, you bring the drinks. Do your kids prefer ham, turkey or peanut butter and jelly?

Time to put on your big girl panties and remember this is about the kids. She sounds like she's trying to make an effort, and as sad as it sounds, sometimes it's the wives that keep the families together.

They live over 2000 miles away, they used to live here and I tried to get him to have visits with our daughter and he wouldnt do it. Im sorry but without a court order I am not sending our daughter that far away to see people she does not know. If he wants to come back here and see her and have those other kids meet her then he is more than free to do so. I have never said they all shouldnt know each other, all I told him was that it was HIS place to introduce them, not mine. Also his mom has my phone number so if he really wanted to talk to me about our daughter or talk to our daughter then he knows how. I have NEVER denied him that.

PM's enabled.

 

[CourtClerk]

I just found out All of them are living in Orlando, Florida now so I dont know how I am keeping anyone from seeing her

Well there goes my idea....

and one part of the email that really bothered me was about the support and that she could be a jerk and file injured spouse to get that money back and he wouldnt have to pay any of that....

Well, technically she's correct. She is under no obligation to pay your ex's CS and you know that. You may not like the delivery of the line, but it doesn't negate the fact that she's entirely correct. Not exactly the best way to extend the olive branch, but hey... some people are a little rough around the edges.

evidently she doesnt realize that the arrearages will still be there and that he will have to pay those no matter what.

No, you're incorrect, she does realize that, but she also realizes that SHE doesn't have to pay it with HER money and any money SHE is entitled to. Maybe that's something you don't realize.

Remember, this is ultimately about the kids so eventually, you're going to have to put the ill feelings down. I forgot to answer your question regarding:

am I at fault since he has never filed for his visitation rights

No, you're not at fault because dad could have. However, personally, I think the kids have a right to know each other and if the women in this situation are grown up enough to figure out a way to make this work... then they should.

 

[CourtClerk]

Oh, and I'm not at all suggesting that you go and send your child to Orlando (but what a great place to vacation). What I am suggesting is that the 2 big girls in the situation maybe find a way to make this work.

Is all the family in FL? Are you in the financial position to take a vacation? Someone on this board is taking a God awful 18 hour drive from their home to Orlando... are you in the position to do this? What's a fun place half way between Indiana and Orlando (I'm in CA, I have no idea)? Where are the grandparents?

 

[MUNCIEMOMUV2]

Well, technically she's correct. She is under no obligation to pay your ex's CS and you know that. You may not like the delivery of the line, but it doesn't negate the fact that she's entirely correct. Not exactly the best way to extend the olive branch, but hey... some people are a little rough around the edges.

No, you're incorrect, she does realize that, but she also realizes that SHE doesn't have to pay it with HER money and any money SHE is entitled to. Maybe that's something you don't realize.

No I do realize that its her money and shes entitled to it if she wants and that she is under no obligation to pay HIS support for him. Thats not what got to me it was the part where she stated he wouldnt have to pay any of the money owed...he would still have to pay it

 

[CourtClerk]

No I do realize that its her money and shes entitled to it if she wants and that she is under no obligation to pay HIS support for him. Thats not what got to me it was the part where she stated he wouldnt have to pay any of the money owed...he would still have to pay it

Well let's look at it this way. He's not working...for whatever reason. Medical or otherwise. He would eventually have to pay it, however, it probably would have been much later than sooner (if at all). She facilitated you receiving your money sooner than later, for that, at LEAST say thank you. It's essentially a gift.

 

[MUNCIEMOMUV2]

Oh, and I'm not at all suggesting that you go and send your child to Orlando (but what a great place to vacation). What I am suggesting is that the 2 big girls in the situation maybe find a way to make this work.

Is all the family in FL? Are you in the financial position to take a vacation? Someone on this board is taking a God awful 18 hour drive from their home to Orlando... are you in the position to do this? What's a fun place half way between Indiana and Orlando (I'm in CA, I have no idea)? Where are the grandparents?

No I am in no way financially able to take a vacation anywhere let alone that far away. Im barely making it as it is and I dont feel I should pay anything to take her to see them when her father hasnt bothered to see her even when he still lived right here in the same town and could have gotten his visitation ordered back then so that he would have them now and the grandma and aunt are in Florida as well.

I will tell you though that even though my daughter hasnt seen any of them including grandma and aunt in five years I have stayed in contact and DD talks to her grandma on the phone and online and I asked grandma if she could afford to come and get DD for a few weeks this summer because I feel she does need to know all of them and yes I knew DD's father and the other kids were down there when I said this so I knew if she went to grandmas she would get to be around all of them also. Grandma is vacationing in TX this week but is supposed to talk to me about it when she returns so actually I dont know why this woman contacted me and had to say the things she did especially since she is not a party to any of it.

 

[MUNCIEMOMUV2]

Well let's look at it this way. He's not working...for whatever reason. Medical or otherwise. He would eventually have to pay it, however, it probably would have been much later than sooner (if at all). She facilitated you receiving your money sooner than later, for that, at LEAST say thank you. It's essentially a gift.

The only reason she is wanting it paid off actually is because he has warrants out for his arrest for not paying. I will not thank her for anything because she is choosing to do it to keep him out of trouble. If she wants her money back then so be it, that is her right.

 

[CourtClerk]

Oh wow. Well, good luck to you. I can offer you no constructive advice at this point.

 

[MUNCIEMOMUV2]

Oh wow. Well, good luck to you. I can offer you no constructive advice at this point.

Thank you. I didnt really want to turn this into bashing anyone or anything like that. I just wanted to know what would be a good reply to the email as i do not want to argue with any of them and dont want to come across as hateful or rude but just want her to know that she is not a party to any of this and that she actually isnt the one that should be contacting me, it should be him if he is wanting to see DD and that it is her choice about the money but that no matter what he will still be responsible for paying it sooner or later. I am trying to make sure my daughter knows the other half of her family thats why i stay in contact with grandma and aunt, didnt know how to contact dad.

 

[CourtClerk]

Like I said. I can offer you no constructive advice because I think your attitude is all wrong.

You did not include in your original post that you did not want her to contact you, what you said was you wanted help with a good response. A good response is to meet her halfway in trying to reunite the children, however, you... don't want a good response, you don't want to hear from her. So here's your reply.


Dear New wife,

Please do not contact me anymore.

I suggest that you keep a copy of this email and your response and hand it to your daughter when she turns 18.