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GaPeaches123

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Georgia

I am not sure if I am putting this in the right section. If not I do apologize.

I have a 15 year old son. His bio-father has not seen him since he was 3 days old. My son finally asked to meet his bio-father. I contacted his mother since she was the only one I could locate. She refused to give me any info on the bio-father but said she would contact him. After waiting several days with no response I called her back. She said she did talk to him and he has a family of his own and is not interested in meeting with my son.

This of course hurt my son. I am now about to start the process through child support recovery to establish paternity. I know this will not force him to meet with his son but I think he should acknowledge that he does exist. This is not about the money this is about my child, I would be happy if he was ordered to pay 10 bucks a month, but I do think he owes it to my son.

Now my question is...if I proceed in this matter, will my son be forced to change is last name? He has my maiden name and has expressed he does not want it changed. I would like all the facts before I proceed any further.

BTW...before it is asked...I did not do this earlier in my sons life because of the drinking and abuse that was involved in this relationship. I also do not want my son to know all the details about our relationship because I do not want my feelings to become his feelings. If he one day wants, and the bio-father agrees to a relationship that is my sons right and I do not want to be the reason for it not happening. And yes I am still very afraid of his bio-father, for my son and myself.
 


Humusluvr

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Georgia

I am not sure if I am putting this in the right section. If not I do apologize.

I have a 15 year old son. His bio-father has not seen him since he was 3 days old. My son finally asked to meet his bio-father. I contacted his mother since she was the only one I could locate. She refused to give me any info on the bio-father but said she would contact him. After waiting several days with no response I called her back. She said she did talk to him and he has a family of his own and is not interested in meeting with my son.

This of course hurt my son. I am now about to start the process through child support recovery to establish paternity. I know this will not force him to meet with his son but I think he should acknowledge that he does exist. This is not about the money this is about my child, I would be happy if he was ordered to pay 10 bucks a month, but I do think he owes it to my son.

Now my question is...if I proceed in this matter, will my son be forced to change is last name? He has my maiden name and has expressed he does not want it changed. I would like all the facts before I proceed any further.

BTW...before it is asked...I did not do this earlier in my sons life because of the drinking and abuse that was involved in this relationship. I also do not want my son to know all the details about our relationship because I do not want my feelings to become his feelings. If he one day wants, and the bio-father agrees to a relationship that is my sons right and I do not want to be the reason for it not happening. And yes I am still very afraid of his bio-father, for my son and myself.
Why in the WORLD would you force it NOW??????????????

Dad does not want to meet son, hasn't known him for 15 years, hasn't paid support, and you are saying he is a danger to son.

What in the world is your motive here? It seems completely idiotic to me to force some jerko on your son who doesn't want to, when status quo has been fine for so long.

Explain in a nice, reasonable manner to son that it is better for him to wait til he's 18, then go look for his dad if he's interested. But that dad is going through some things in his life that make it impossible to meet. Then don't force it.
 

GaPeaches123

Junior Member
I am still trying to sort this out myself :)

I guess I am willing to do this because my son asked one thing of him and he turned his back on him once again. I was 19 when I had my son. At times I worked 3 jobs to make sure he had what he needed. I think he atleast OWED it to my son to meet him. My son is seeking a face to an unknown person.

I told myself when my son was small that I would support him in decisions he made when he became older regarding his bio-father. Regardless of my feelings toward him he is still his biological father, and my son has a right to know that. Like I said before, he should at least have to acknowledge that he does exist.

Serious question here without insult please..does this make me wrong? Is my judgment being clouded? I am really being pulled here and I am not sure what is the correct path to take.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
By your own admission, you didn't want Dad to have any sort of relationship with the boy while he was growing up.

Now you do. That's a contradiction. If it WAS "son's right," as you say now, it was ALWAYS your son's right.

CS is not going to make Dad love his son, and it is not intended as a way to get revenge. You are not going to make Dad love his son. It's pretty obvious that it's too late.

Any chance they had of developing a real relationship was ruined from the beginning, by you keeping your son to yourself, for whatever reason/s.

And you (and son) ALWAYS had the right to financial support from Dad. If you chose not to seek it, that's your choice. And you can do it now, if you wish. But it's not going to bring "love" or "acceptance."

I am still trying to sort this out myself :)

I guess I am willing to do this because my son asked one thing of him and he turned his back on him once again. I was 19 when I had my son. At times I worked 3 jobs to make sure he had what he needed. I think he atleast OWED it to my son to meet him. My son is seeking a face to an unknown person.

I told myself when my son was small that I would support him in decisions he made when he became older regarding his bio-father. Regardless of my feelings toward him he is still his biological father, and my son has a right to know that. Like I said before, he should at least have to acknowledge that he does exist.

Serious question here without insult please..does this make me wrong? Is my judgment being clouded? I am really being pulled here and I am not sure what is the correct path to take.
 

haiku

Senior Member
If you are afraid of him, and have survived all these years, why NOW?

There is going to be no justice or happy ending in MAKING some jerk MAYBE acknowledge his son. There is just NOT. Real life is not the lifetime movie of the week.

your son can persue this when HE is an adult.
 

GaPeaches123

Junior Member
I did not KEEP my son from him. He was never told he could not see him. He walked away. I lived in the same house for 4 years after my son was born and my parents still live there to this day. My phone number since I have moved has always been listed in my maiden name.

Our last conversation was at 2am, on the phone when my son was almost one. The bio-father was drunk and said he would get custody of my son and ram into a tree while he was in the car with him.


I guess I always assumed (you know what they say when you do that), that when the time came he would atleast want to meet him. There is a void in my son that I cannot take care of. No I am still not comfortable with them meeting but at my sons age I had no right to tell him no, that is why I tried to contact him.

I don't know, maybe I have done all that I need to do.
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
I think he atleast OWED it to my son to meet him.
YOU owed it to your son to make sure that his rights were asserted from the beginning.
You didn't even bother establishing paternity. The purported father has no legal obligation due to your failure to protect the rights of your son.

Keeping that information in mind...you can move forward.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
you might consider therapy for your son. he needs to learn to be able to deal with his feelings. having not met my own dad until i was 17 and then not again until i was 30. I had my own issues of rejection. a third party therapist might be helpful in your own case. so if your son does attempt to reunite when he is 18, he can be emotionally prepared in the event it doesn't turn out the way he always dreamt..

in the meantime, look for a Big Brother program in your area.
 
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TheGeekess

Keeper of the Kraken
Since you know how to get in touch with Dad's mother, why not see if she'd like to meet her grandson? If nothing else, he'd get to know a little about the paternal side of his family. Maybe granny has some pictures of Dad she could share with Son.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
I am going to echo the advice that you received from Silver. You can still file for child support. There is nothing immoral about doing so. But again, its not going to bring your son and benefits other than financial support.

No one answered your question about your son's last name. No, at your son's age, no court is going to change his last name, against his will, even if paternity gets established.

I personally think that paternity should be established. If this guy is definitely dad, your son has siblings out there, and needs to know that.
 

GaPeaches123

Junior Member
When I spoke to the bio-grandmother I did tell her if she wished to meet him that would be great, even if the bio-father said he did not want to. She was fine and happy about this until she talked to her son. Then she was a totally different person.

He does have siblings out there, 2 brothers that I know of and another child that he walked away from, besides my son. This other child is 2 months younger than my child.

I felt in the beginning I was protecting my child. Right or wrong I did what I felt was right for the situation. My son has never been mistreated by anyone. If he would have stuck around I do not think I would be able to say the same thing. This man put me in the hospital 2 times while I was pregnant with my child because he was trying to make me have a miscarriage. Yes I was young and dumb, love was everything, and he made sure that I knew there was nothing I could do about anything he did to me.

Yes I did fail my child in several ways. He could have had more "things" with support from his bio-father, but money cannot undo damage that abuse can cause. Think about at that young of an age what would you do? But this goes to show that he can still cause damage, he causes harm even to this day that I cannot prevent. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
 

jbowman

Senior Member
I truly believe it is a two-way street. You can not be blamed for not forcing dad to be part of his child's life when your child was younger. If dad wanted it, he could have filed in court for it. If you felt that you were doing the right thing, then you probably were.

I completely understand giving your child some say when he is old enough to wonder where his other half is. You were protecting him and yourself when he was too young to understand.

Now that you know where dad stands, I think you should just let son do it on his own when he is 18. Just my opinion. And probably what I would do if I were in your shoes.
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
When I spoke to the bio-grandmother I did tell her if she wished to meet him that would be great, even if the bio-father said he did not want to.
Did you call her Bio-Barbara (or whatever her name is)?
Show some respect for the family of the FATHER of your child.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Did you call her Bio-Barbara (or whatever her name is)?
Show some respect for the family of the FATHER of your child.
While I totally agree with the forum consensus on the whole "bio" thing, in this particular case its a bit of overkill to berate mom over it. The child is 15 years old and NONE of his paternal family has made any effort to be part of his life.
 

GaPeaches123

Junior Member
Zigner...I would have to have respect for them to show it. I am not going to apologize for that. Would it be better if I called him daddy-dearest or granny-dearest? Somethings you have to earn. Being called his dad or father is not a title he has earned and neither is my respect.

He had the opportunity to be his dad and he walked away, as did the bio-grandmother. That is all they are to him is biologically related, in no way are they emotionally related and that was their choice and they made that choice again 15 yrs later.

You know, I could have bad-mouthed him all this time. I could have made sure that he absolutely hated him, but I did not. I have always looked out for the best interest of my child and will continue to do so. As his only parent that is my job! It is a job that I have always taken the responsibility for and always will. I have been Mom and Dad to him. I have been his provider. I have made the sacrifices to make sure he had what he needed. In no way has he done ANYTHING to even have one ounce of my respect. I honestly thought after fifteen years he would have grown up and could be a man but I was wrong. As far as I am concerned he is the one that lost out. MY son has turned into a wonderful young man, with an amazing heart.

Now, as far as what I am going to do, I really do not know. I am trying to figure out what the best course of action would be for my child. I know the love and acceptance is not going to happen, no matter what choice I make but I do feel he should acknowledge that he did help create a life. My son is not something that he can go on pretending never existed. Is now the right time to do this, I do not know. When he is old enough to do it on his own the right time to do it, again I do not know. I know how my son feels and I know sooner or later it will happen.
 

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