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Court Next Week - Help With Proving Mom Unfit

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What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

Ok so I have a 2.5 yr old daughter. Me and the mother have been together for about 3.5 years. We have lived in TN the entire time. Never were married, but I am the father and did sign the Birth Certificate and from a previous court date I am the adjudicated father. I have been the sole support and have claimed both as dependents on my tax return because she didn't work enough (less than 3K per year). Things had been rough and she took my daughter with her and moved to TX with her parents. This happened end of Sept. I have since filed in my local office to obtain custody. The court date is Dec 8th. Basically, mother has a drinking problem and while it isn't as bad as others it limits her abilities to be a good parent. Here are some of the facts:

1. Mother has failed to keep a job for longer than 3 months. Has earned maybe 6K in the last 3 years. Every job she has had she quits or gets fired for attendance due to drinking and could not get a good reference from any of them.

2. Mother does have criminal history relating to alcohol. She has a public intox in TN w/ false impersonation (fake ID), Outstanding warrant in TX for public intox, outstanding warrant in TX for DUI as a minor and failure to appear.

3. Took mom to Court in 2007 for a dependent neglect to which she was court ordered to attend intensive outpatient.

4. Have blogs from Mom's sister who describes her sister as a raging alcholic and unable to care for her child...lot more good stuff that basically says that shes "unfit" and goes on long term drinking sprees.

5. Since she has been in TX, I talked with my daughter in the month of October and after I filed in Nov, I have not talked to my daughter. I have called, mailed and emailed requesting to talk to my daughter and have been ignored. I tried to send a phone plan and money registered mail and it was refused 2x. Honestly they have taken me out of my daughters life for the past month and just don't care.

I am going to court on the 8th and wanted to know how I should approach everything. I have the list of the 11 things in TN that determine what's in the child's best interest. Should I stick to that list and talk about why I would be the best parent for Kaydence right now and then when the mother goes to talk question her about all the stuff? I also have 2 witnesses that have some pretty damaging info on her as well along with my family testimony. What are the keys to proving unfit? Just some general advice would help.
 


Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
Further reading: https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/what-my-options-here-433890.html
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Am I the only one who finds this astounding? OP filed two months ago, yet waits until less than a week before the hearing to figure out how to prove Mom unfit? WTH have you been doing for two months?!?!?!
 
Am I the only one who finds this astounding? OP filed two months ago, yet waits until less than a week before the hearing to figure out how to prove Mom unfit? WTH have you been doing for two months?!?!?!
No. sorry if that sounds like what I have done. I have been doing research and talking with people and collecting proof. I have done my fair share of digging. I guess I dont know how I should go about it in court. I don;t want to come right out and bash her. I was hoping to get some advice from other fathers who have been in my shoes that could tell me about the process and some tips and things to avoid while in front of the judge. You can have all the evidence in the world but if you dont know how to present it or put it togetehr its useless.
 

truebluemd

Senior Member
No. sorry if that sounds like what I have done. I have been doing research and talking with people and collecting proof. I have done my fair share of digging. I guess I dont know how I should go about it in court. I don;t want to come right out and bash her. I was hoping to get some advice from other fathers who have been in my shoes that could tell me about the process and some tips and things to avoid while in front of the judge. You can have all the evidence in the world but if you dont know how to present it or put it togetehr its useless.
If you are representing yourself, I suggest you go pay for a consultation (mine was only 75 dollars) with a lawyer that is familiar with your county's family courts and they can tell you about the process. I did this for my case and it was a big help. Not knowing anything about going pro se, I found out that I could personally question any witnesses.

If you are bringing documented evidence, make copies to give to the ex and the judge for anything you present. Be confident that whatever you submit will be effective because if your representing yourself, I think judges are very bothered about self represented litigants who don't know judicial procedures because they tend to waste time.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
1. Mother has failed to keep a job for longer than 3 months. Has earned maybe 6K in the last 3 years. Every job she has had she quits or gets fired for attendance due to drinking and could not get a good reference from any of them.
Proof of why she's been fired? And unless your daughter is being neglected (and you can prove it), being unemployed isn't cause to remove the child.

2. Mother does have criminal history relating to alcohol. She has a public intox in TN w/ false impersonation (fake ID), Outstanding warrant in TX for public intox, outstanding warrant in TX for DUI as a minor and failure to appear.
Convictions? The outstanding warrant may or may not hold much weight in TN. And when were these incidents?

3. Took mom to Court in 2007 for a dependent neglect to which she was court ordered to attend intensive outpatient.
Did she attend? Can you prove she didn't?

4. Have blogs from Mom's sister who describes her sister as a raging alcholic and unable to care for her child...lot more good stuff that basically says that shes "unfit" and goes on long term drinking sprees.
Totally irrelevant. Unless sis is a physician and has diagnosed/treated Mom. And is willing to show up in court to testify for you.

5. Since she has been in TX, I talked with my daughter in the month of October and after I filed in Nov, I have not talked to my daughter. I have called, mailed and emailed requesting to talk to my daughter and have been ignored. I tried to send a phone plan and money registered mail and it was refused 2x. Honestly they have taken me out of my daughters life for the past month and just don't care.
One month? Do you have ordered phone visitation? Or has Mom just been allowing it? A judge may be peeved, but will also get that yoru filing may have pissed Mom off - don't expect more than a wrist slap on this one - and perhaps a specific schedule for phone calls.

Honestly? With what you've presented? Don't count on getting custody.
 

Humusluvr

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

Ok so I have a 2.5 yr old daughter. Me and the mother have been together for about 3.5 years. We have lived in TN the entire time. Never were married, but I am the father and did sign the Birth Certificate and from a previous court date I am the adjudicated father. I have been the sole support and have claimed both as dependents on my tax return because she didn't work enough (less than 3K per year). Things had been rough and she took my daughter with her and moved to TX with her parents. This happened end of Sept. I have since filed in my local office to obtain custody. The court date is Dec 8th. Basically, mother has a drinking problem and while it isn't as bad as others it limits her abilities to be a good parent. Here are some of the facts:

1. Mother has failed to keep a job for longer than 3 months. Has earned maybe 6K in the last 3 years. Every job she has had she quits or gets fired for attendance due to drinking and could not get a good reference from any of them.

2. Mother does have criminal history relating to alcohol. She has a public intox in TN w/ false impersonation (fake ID), Outstanding warrant in TX for public intox, outstanding warrant in TX for DUI as a minor and failure to appear.

3. Took mom to Court in 2007 for a dependent neglect to which she was court ordered to attend intensive outpatient.

4. Have blogs from Mom's sister who describes her sister as a raging alcholic and unable to care for her child...lot more good stuff that basically says that shes "unfit" and goes on long term drinking sprees.

5. Since she has been in TX, I talked with my daughter in the month of October and after I filed in Nov, I have not talked to my daughter. I have called, mailed and emailed requesting to talk to my daughter and have been ignored. I tried to send a phone plan and money registered mail and it was refused 2x. Honestly they have taken me out of my daughters life for the past month and just don't care.

I am going to court on the 8th and wanted to know how I should approach everything. I have the list of the 11 things in TN that determine what's in the child's best interest. Should I stick to that list and talk about why I would be the best parent for Kaydence right now and then when the mother goes to talk question her about all the stuff? I also have 2 witnesses that have some pretty damaging info on her as well along with my family testimony. What are the keys to proving unfit? Just some general advice would help.
Number 4 is not evidence. Not in the least.

10 Tips for Winning at Custody by Jean Mahserjian Millennium Associates Online, LLC

1. If you are not involved in your children's lives now, you are not getting custody from a judge. If you are a working parent who lets your spouse handle all of the details of parenting, you are not prepared to win at custody. You must either change your objectives or change your parenting. If you really want custody, get involved now - in all aspects of your children's lives. Get involved in your children's schooling. Attend their extra curricular events. Take them to the doctor and dentist. Get to know what professionals your children see and be involved with them
2. Make sure that you are not exposing your children to unsafe or unhealthy environments when they are with you. Are you involved in another relationship
? Has there been more than one? Be very careful about exposing your children to your companion(s). Many judges, professionals, and other parents object to the children being subjected to other relationships too early in that process. More important, if you really want to win at custody, it should be because you want to spend time with your children parenting them. Spending time with someone else when you have the children is a recipe for losing at custody in court.
3. Do you put down your children's other parent when the children are with you - either consciously or subconsciously? If you do, stop. One sure way to lose at custody is to hurt the children's relationship with the other parent. A judge will consider whether a parent promotes or prevents the other parent's access to and relationship with the children when seeking custody.
4. Winning at custody requires that you keep a calendar for everything. You need to be able to look back and remember details when it comes time to litigage custody. If you do not know when you had the children, what events you attended, where they were or you were or allof the times your spouse was not timely for a pick up or drop off, you will only hurt your own case. You can keep track on your own calendar, with your own journal, or with a professionally managed calendaring system. We do provide access to a professional calendaring system for custody cases on our web site at Fight For Child Custody With Millennium Divorce's Custody Planner
5. Be on time...Be on time....Be on time. Few issues cause as much conflict as a parent who is persistently late in picking up or dropping off children. It irks the judges, it creates arguments with your ex or soon to be ex, and it stresses out the children. So, Be on time.
6. Be flexible. If the other parent wants to switch weekends or weekdays, do it if you can manage your schedule. When the time comes to tell the judge why you should have custody, you can tell the judge that you are the parent who makes sure that the schedule works. In a close case, this issue makes a difference.
7. Do not involve your children in the issues that are pending in court or with attorneys. Courts generally are very opposed to the children knowing the details of what are essentially adult issues. Children should be told that both parents love them and want to see them - that's it. The children may see a psychologist and/or an attorney or other professional if the court directs that. The children can talk to those people about your case - you should not be giving them the details, especially if giving the details involves denigrating the other parent.
8. Winning at custody requires considering one other very important factor: where do the children want to live. It is not a good idea to coach your children on this issue. They will have an opportunity to tell what they want to either the court, their attorney or a psychologist. However, it is a good idea to know what they want. If they want to live with their other parent, you should not spend all of your time and money pursuing custody, unless you believe that it is unsafe or inappopriate for the children to live with that parent.
9. You do have to be willing to show why your children's other parent should not have custody. So, you need to keep track of whether that parent is on time, involved, and flexible with the schedule. If that parent has any issues that affect custody, such as a history of mental health issues which impact his or her ability to care for the children or alcohol or drug addictions, you need to let the court know. Other issues that can and do affect custody determinations include the number and frequency of romantic relationships and the epxosure of the children to those relationship, the proper supervision of the children, and ensuring that the children attend school and see professionals such as a doctor and dentist when necessary.
10. Above all else, hire a good attorney and be open and honest with your attorney. Listen to your attorney, not some friend or relative who is sure about what you should do because they had a friend or a relative who got a better deal. If you are paying your attorney, listen to what he or she has to say.
 
Proof of why she's been fired? And unless your daughter is being neglected (and you can prove it), being unemployed isn't cause to remove the child.

No be not being able to provide for herself or the child could be. She has no job stability nor car. Hard to take care of yourself let alone a child when you don't have money nor resources

Convictions? The outstanding warrant may or may not hold much weight in TN. And when were these incidents?

the incidents were all within the past 4 years. Just shows a history of the drinking.

Did she attend? Can you prove she didn't?

We have been together up until Sept 09. She went because I drove her there and provided proof to the court. I stayed because i thought it would get better and thought my daughter needed a family but I now realize that she will be fine with 1 parent and if mom doesnt want to clean up her act then thats her problem.

Totally irrelevant. Unless sis is a physician and has diagnosed/treated Mom. And is willing to show up in court to testify for you.

I just figured her blogging about her drinking problem and the fact that her sister at times watched our daughter for several days while she went on drinking binges would help. (I was out of town on business when this occured)

One month? Do you have ordered phone visitation? Or has Mom just been allowing it? A judge may be peeved, but will also get that yoru filing may have pissed Mom off - don't expect more than a wrist slap on this one - and perhaps a specific schedule for phone calls.

Honestly? With what you've presented? Don't count on getting custody.
Maybe not Full Custody but at least some kind of custody with guaranteed visitation. I mean if I was a judge i would have to say either she can live with mom and grandparents while grandparents raise her and mother is in and out or she can live with the father who has own place and stable job for past 3 years.
 

Nativity

Member
Maybe not Full Custody but at least some kind of custody with guaranteed visitation. I mean if I was a judge i would have to say either she can live with mom and grandparents while grandparents raise her and mother is in and out or she can live with the father who has own place and stable job for past 3 years.
2 Months ago you stated that your stable job didn't make it financially possible for you to afford to have custody of your Daughter. So it has changed?
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TN

Ok so I have a 2.5 yr old daughter. Me and the mother have been together for about 3.5 years. We have lived in TN the entire time. Never were married, but I am the father and did sign the Birth Certificate and from a previous court date I am the adjudicated father. I have been the sole support and have claimed both as dependents on my tax return because she didn't work enough (less than 3K per year). Things had been rough and she took my daughter with her and moved to TX with her parents. This happened end of Sept. I have since filed in my local office to obtain custody. The court date is Dec 8th. Basically, mother has a drinking problem and while it isn't as bad as others it limits her abilities to be a good parent. Here are some of the facts:

1. Mother has failed to keep a job for longer than 3 months. Has earned maybe 6K in the last 3 years. Every job she has had she quits or gets fired for attendance due to drinking and could not get a good reference from any of them.
Mom's work history is not relevant.

2. Mother does have criminal history relating to alcohol. She has a public intox in TN w/ false impersonation (fake ID), Outstanding warrant in TX for public intox, outstanding warrant in TX for DUI as a minor and failure to appear.
Were both of those when she was a minor? If so, probably not relevant.

3. Took mom to Court in 2007 for a dependent neglect to which she was court ordered to attend intensive outpatient.
Explain this more fully

4. Have blogs from Mom's sister who describes her sister as a raging alcholic and unable to care for her child...lot more good stuff that basically says that shes "unfit" and goes on long term drinking sprees.
I don't think that this is going to count as evidence.

5. Since she has been in TX, I talked with my daughter in the month of October and after I filed in Nov, I have not talked to my daughter. I have called, mailed and emailed requesting to talk to my daughter and have been ignored. I tried to send a phone plan and money registered mail and it was refused 2x. Honestly they have taken me out of my daughters life for the past month and just don't care.
The judge won't be happy about this, but its pretty typical of what happens when parents first split up.

I am going to court on the 8th and wanted to know how I should approach everything. I have the list of the 11 things in TN that determine what's in the child's best interest. Should I stick to that list and talk about why I would be the best parent for Kaydence right now and then when the mother goes to talk question her about all the stuff? I also have 2 witnesses that have some pretty damaging info on her as well along with my family testimony. What are the keys to proving unfit? Just some general advice would help.
You are completely ignoring the most important issue and the most important strength that you have, and that is the fact that mom moved your child away to TX. That is the issue that you have to focus on in court.

You also may have an issue about number 3, but you would need to explain that more fully.

Also, you were clear in your previous postings that there is no way that you could afford to support your child and pay for daycare, and that you knew that you could not count on child support from mom. You were confident that your child was safe and well supported because they were living with the grandparents. What has changed on that?
 
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Mom's work history is not relevant.

I guess I am confused. How is work history not relevant? I mean how can she provide a stable home and all the other necessities without a job? I mean to me work history shows stability. No offense but I don;t want my daughter raised on welfare if she does not have to be.

Were both of those when she was a minor? If so, probably not relevant. All of these were between 2003 and 2004. I guess I'm trying to use this to show a pattern of problems with alcohol.



Explain this more fully

Back in Aug of 2007 the mother of my child and I seperated for about 2 weeks. I went to my parents and left her in the apt. During that time the grandmother came down. The 2 are both alcoholics and of course thats what they did. I stopped by for a visit on lunch one day and found my daughter upstairs badly soiled, crying and hungry and the bio mom was not around and the grandmother was still hungover passed out. I took my child and went to court immediately. We went through the whole dependent neglect process and CPS was involved. Mom blamed her mom and grandmom blamed daughter. Grandmom since had gone back to TX so in court they ordered bio mom to rehab and no contact with grandmom.

I don't think that this is going to count as evidence.



The judge won't be happy about this, but its pretty typical of what happens when parents first split up.



You are completely ignoring the most important issue and the most important strength that you have, and that is the fact that mom moved your child away to TX. That is the issue that you have to focus on in court.

So being a daily part of my daughter's life and then having her move away and with the mom creating distance is a strong point?

You also may have an issue about number 3, but you would need to explain that more fully.

Also, you were clear in your previous postings that there is no way that you could afford to support your child and pay for daycare, and that you knew that you could not count on child support from mom. You were confident that your child was safe and well supported because they were living with the grandparents. What has changed on that?
Well at first I was still co-dependent. I didnt realize how bad i was until i started to go to Al-anon and talk with people. I am ashamed to say this but I was not putting my daughter first. I was more worried about trying "fix" my exs problems hoping it would get better. I thought my ex was going down to enter rehab with her family and get help. That changed 2 weeks later at about 2AM when she called me drunk as hell. At that point I knew she was not getting better and that I should be able to raise my daughter until she can get straight. While she may be safe with grandparents, they are only covering for their daughter and also do not encourage a relationship between my daughter and I. My daughter deserves much better. Also I know I am doing the right thing because on Thanksgiving after a day before email and a day of phone call asking to talk to Kaydence went unanswered/ignored the mom called me at 10PM on her way to be drunk (admits drinking on phone call that I recorded).
 

Humusluvr

Senior Member
Well at first I was still co-dependent. I didnt realize how bad i was until i started to go to Al-anon and talk with people. I am ashamed to say this but I was not putting my daughter first. I was more worried about trying "fix" my exs problems hoping it would get better. I thought my ex was going down to enter rehab with her family and get help. That changed 2 weeks later at about 2AM when she called me drunk as hell. At that point I knew she was not getting better and that I should be able to raise my daughter until she can get straight. While she may be safe with grandparents, they are only covering for their daughter and also do not encourage a relationship between my daughter and I. My daughter deserves much better. Also I know I am doing the right thing because on Thanksgiving after a day before email and a day of phone call asking to talk to Kaydence went unanswered/ignored the mom called me at 10PM on her way to be drunk (admits drinking on phone call that I recorded).
You should be very careful with that. Recordings must be obtained with the proper permissions, and may cross State lines - where you could run into jurisdictional problems.

Don't try to use those in court unless you make sure you have followed the proper procedure - or you could end up in more trouble.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Why did you have to bring that song into it? Cuz you knew it would make me fall out of my office chair??? :rolleyes:
You HAVE to be legally blonde my dear. You just do. Oh and also the poster I was replying to started it with the "OMG don't you know how to read".
 

Humusluvr

Senior Member
You HAVE to be legally blonde my dear. You just do. Oh and also the poster I was replying to started it with the "OMG don't you know how to read".
Legally blonde? I know I'm not technically blonde, or maybe not naturally blonde, but I am blonde!

OMG, I know how to use Clairol. OMG, I also know how to read.
 

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