Husband's Child Outside of Marriage

[MommaD]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

I am new here but I have read through many of the posts and tried to find situations similar before posting but apparently - it's not ALL THAT common.

My husband and I are newlyweds - Married just a few months ago. We have recently been made aware that his ex-girlfriend had a baby and it is his. The timing matches up to when they broke up in December so he doesn't doubt paternity at all. His daughter is now 3 months old.

She didn't call him to allow him to be present at her birth which - I understand is a personal decision. She allowed him to come to the hospital twice to see her and has since met him at his mother's house on 3 separate occasions to allow him to spend a few hours with her. The last time he brought me along also as he felt it was time for her to meet his wife and on common ground was the best place for that. We have been giving her money as she needs it, paid for daycare registration and have agreed to start paying her 400/month in child support until the paperwork is all processed through the attorney general.

But it appears she is stalling on going to the attorney general to finalize anything because at that time a visitation schedule will be established and she's not ready for that. Husband has now decided he's no longer going to meet at his parents house (due to discomfort for other reasons) and sees no reason why he can't see his daughter at his own home even if for only a few hours every other weekend to start. He feels he's being very reasonable. Her position is: she's just not ready to drop her baby girl off at another woman's home and that I have to somewhat understand. I myself have a 3 year old and at 3 months I can't imagine. However, I had my son in a marriage and not out of wedlock and unfortunately when you have a child out of wedlock you have to share right?

My question is basically this. Do we need to get a lawyer or can he push things along at the attorney general to get him some rights. He wants to establish a relationship with his daughter and be involved in her life now and not miss out on these early years. She is already going to daycare Monday through Friday and being with complete strangers so he doesn't understand why she can't spend a couple of hours at her dad's house. We aren't sure where to go from here. We don't want to make things ugly as he himself acknowledges how much easier things would be from this point forward if he tries to be cordial and understanding but there's a line somewhere.

He asked to see her for a couple of hours on Saturday or Sunday and was told No.

 

[Zephyr]

he can certainly get the ball rolling and file the paperwork himself, there is no good reason to wait at all- if you can afford an attorney- that would be a wise way to go, but since dad isn't asking for primary custody (although he should certainly ask for joint legal and physical)...he might be able to handle it himself

 

[Zigner]

There is no WE
There is no WE
There is no WE

Now, so long as you can say that and not be pissed about it, your hubby can move forward.

Hubby needs to pursue paternity, custody and child support. He *can* do this on his own, but he would be much better off with an attorney.

 

[MommaD]

Sorry....

Got it, Got it, Got it

I read something about not saying WE in the instructions but I forgot in all my rambling.

It is his daughter and while I support him whole heartedly this is something that he has to work out and always has. I actually wasn't up for meeting her at first but agreed at his wishes. Things actually went well. Her and I had conversation, discussed baby stuff and diapers and it was cordial.

I understand her position and I do try to remind him occasionally but to a dad who just wants to see his daughter those explanations only go so far. His understanding only goes so far. It is what it is. They have a daugther together and are not together. He's gotten married and simply wants to establish a relationship with his daughter.

 

[MommaD]

he can certainly get the ball rolling and file the paperwork himself, there is no good reason to wait at all- if you can afford an attorney- that would be a wise way to go, but since dad isn't asking for primary custody (although he should certainly ask for joint legal and physical)...he might be able to handle it himself

By handle himself you mean get the paperwork rolling with the attorney general? She says she filled some paperwork with the Attorney General and she's just waiting on something to come in the mail and an appointment time with them to finalize everything.

I'm not familiar with the Attorney General but can he look to get a fair deal working it this way? I know it would be BEST to go through an attorney but just trying to weigh the options.

Also, can he look for the Attorney General to order him to owe (whatever amount / month) back through the day his daughter was born even though he's been giving her money? To him he's holding up his end of the deal of helping support his child but she's not allowing him to see her.

 

[Zigner]

This forum is not a referral service - use the orange "Find a Lawyer" link.

 

[MommaD]

This forum is not a referral service - use the orange "Find a Lawyer" link.

Noted. I wasn't looking for a lawyer though, I actually am familiar with two perfectly capable ones in my area.

Just looking for some general advice and thanks for your help. Searching through other posts have been quite informative as well.

 

[Zigner]

Noted. I wasn't looking for a lawyer though, I actually am familiar with two perfectly capable ones in my area.

Just looking for some general advice and thanks for your help. Searching through other posts have been quite informative as well.

That post wasn't directed at you - sorry for the misunderstanding.

 

[onebreath]

I am not making a judgement about dad taking you to meet his daughter that time. However, in the future, before dad does whatever he does legally, I personally would not go. I think because it adds stress to an already stressful situation, and since a baby is involved, I do have a judgement about dad's insensitivity here.

Without knowing dads' schedule or the distance between the parents. I would hope he does get visitation rolling by having frequent but shorter visits to begin with since the baby is so young. I think it would behoove the mom to be aware that the schedule a court may order could be harder for a baby than them working out something on their own. EOW I do NOT see in the best interests of a baby... Especially as long as the mom and dad can remain cordial and respectful at the transitions, baby should adapt well to frequent but shorter visits, allowing dad that at his home.

I also had a child born out of wedlock...although I did allow liberal visitation with the dad in our home. However, the situation did change to supervised visits and sole legal custody due to some specific concerns about the fathers behavior that came up. In retrospect...although because of those concerns I can not say I would have handled things differently....since those concerns do not exist for mom....as hard as it is to let go of those protective instincts with an infant when you are not living with the man....I can see now that daughter is 9 its truly best for babies and young children to bond with their fathers early on....otherwise it can be hell to pay later for everyone, just for starters when separation anxiety kicks in.

Since you are so concerned on a personal level, perhaps you can let mom know outside of visits with the baby you are open to meeting and getting to know each other, and then leave that up to her. Outside of that, I would take as back seat as possible during the legal proceedings and be super clear you are leaving EVERYTHING up to the dad.

 

[nextwife]

Frankly, regardless of how the timing "fits", he REALLY should request a DNA test and not PRESUME the child is automatically his. What if he finds out ten years from now that a different man is the biodad?

 

[Zigner]

Frankly, regardless of how the timing "fits", he REALLY should request a DNA test and not PRESUME the child is automatically his. What if he finds out ten years from now that a different man is the biodad?

Agreed and vehemently seconded!

 

[MommaD]

Frankly, regardless of how the timing "fits", he REALLY should request a DNA test and not PRESUME the child is automatically his. What if he finds out ten years from now that a different man is the biodad?

Yes even though she looks JUST like him he plans on having that just to know.

Learned that the hard way. He has a 7 year old who he feels 99.9% sure isn't his but was with the mom (not married) until son was 2. At that point decided he'd be the father EVEN THOUGH the little boy has red hair and freckles and frankly looks NOTHING like him but he's the only dad he has. So even if there was something he could do to prove he isn't his child and stop paying child support it wouldn't do anything but hurt the child who needs the father figure. He just get aggrevating because mom throws the fact that he's paying child support for a kid that probably isn't his in his face. SAD situation but he's the sweetest child and loves visiting his dad and a home with structure and boundaries. Putting up with the mom is just the price he pays to have a part in the boys life and I think that's a great thing. I actually worry though, about the son when he gets old enough to put two and two together and realize he looks nothing like dad and his children who have strong characteristics like dark hair, dark skin...

 

[texastepmom]

hair color means nothing... my dad has three kids, he's very dark, dark hair, dark skin tones, etc... my brother and i have red hair, my sister is dark with dark hair... our family portraits look kinda funny as my sm has three kids with dark hair and dark skin (and she is dark too) so there are 6 people with dark hair and two red heads standing out like sore thumbs...

 

[qurice]

Definately, he should request DNA test to be sure. Hopefully he has not yet signed an AOP.

AG's office will set CS at guideline, and set the medical support order. They typically don't provide additional funds for daycare and the the visitation order is standard. It will provide for a gradual progression from supervised, then to Dad's, and finally for overnights.

 

[MommaD]

hair color means nothing... my dad has three kids, he's very dark, dark hair, dark skin tones, etc... my brother and i have red hair, my sister is dark with dark hair... our family portraits look kinda funny as my sm has three kids with dark hair and dark skin (and she is dark too) so there are 6 people with dark hair and two red heads standing out like sore thumbs...

Yes I know it means nothing but other circumstances do. Because there is no definite with the genetics he was willing to believe for a few years that it was his child. He didn't ask for a paternity. They were together - not married. However after the break up, signs of infidelity and her comments to him that he's the Dumb*ss paying child support AND the person she was unfaithful with has red hair it all kinda added up. From what I understand since the AOP was signed and he has cared for the child for 7 years Paterity by DNA doesn't matter anymore.