Domestic Violence Charges against Exhusband

[cherylsarah01]

Mediation Tomorrow

We have mediation tomorrow and I am nervous but will do my best. My daughter just told me that her dad went over my cause for motion with her. He made a promise to her that he would take her to see her grandma if she would still want to stay with him. He banned his mom from seeing her for talking with me for the last 3 years. She told me she is very confused.

I will do my best for her best interest and see what the judge says. Wish me luck for tomorrow.

 

[CJane]

When did he have an opportunity to "go over" the paperwork with the child? I thought you said you were granted an ex parte.

 

[cherylsarah01]

When did he have an opportunity to "go over" the paperwork with the child? I thought you said you were granted an ex parte.

Yes an ex parte was granted and a mediation set for within 15 days instead of the usual 4 months. My protection order was denied because the violence was not apon the child, I had to let him have his visitation. He took that time to go over the paperwork with her.

 

[stealth2]

WHat did you say to the child when she told you this?

 

[cherylsarah01]

What did you say to the child when she told you this?

I said "what?". I am just blown away that he went over court paperwork with a 9 year old. She then proceeded to tell me that some of my things where not true or that she did not remember and then clammed up. I told her it was ok that nothing of any of this is her fault. I really did not know what to say.

 

[LdiJ]

I said "what?". I am just blown away that he went over court paperwork with a 9 year old. She then proceeded to tell me that some of my things where not true or that she did not remember and then clammed up. I told her it was ok that nothing of any of this is her fault. I really did not know what to say.

That was a pretty good way to handle it, particularly since you were taken by surprise like that.

 

[birdbrain53]

Be sure to mention in court how Dad is involving your daughter with the court case.

Well, don't just mention it. Tell the judge that children should not have to know what's going on , that Dad inappropriately not only talked about the ex parte but showed your daughter the court paperwork. And that it was confusing and upsetting to daughter.

Then ask the judge to order Dad not to talk about this or any other court matter with daughter.

Just had a friend of mine in Santa Cruz County go through a similar scenario where Dad was involving the children in the court matters. Judge was quite unhappy with that dad and granted Mom's request for the order.

It's too bad a judge has to order a parent not to talk to or involve the children about court matters, but evidently there's idiots everywhere.

 

[mistoffolees]

Be sure to mention in court how Dad is involving your daughter with the court case.

Well, don't just mention it. Tell the judge that children should not have to know what's going on , that Dad inappropriately not only talked about the ex parte but showed your daughter the court paperwork. And that it was confusing and upsetting to daughter.

Then ask the judge to order Dad not to talk about this or any other court matter with daughter.

Just had a friend of mine in Santa Cruz County go through a similar scenario where Dad was involving the children in the court matters. Judge was quite unhappy with that dad and granted Mom's request for the order.

It's too bad a judge has to order a parent not to talk to or involve the children about court matters, but evidently there's idiots everywhere.

The only problem with this is that there's no proof that Dad did this and they could end up spending a lot of time fighting over it.

Better to simply ask for a clause stating that NEITHER parent can involve the children in issues like this. The judge will get the point if Mom is the one asking for that clause, but it's so easy for the judge to grant it that there's no reason to get into a 'he said, she said' battle over something that can just as easily be added simply by asking for it.

 

[birdbrain53]

It's presumed in California that neither parent will talk to or involve the children in court matters. It's often written into orders here as a reminder. But when one parent involves a child in court matters in such a blatant way, then they need to be reminded by the judge. He won't stop just because Mom tells him to. If he repeatedly involves the child in court matters, he could eventually be ordered to supervised visitation. The judge will ask why it's being requested. Then the Mom will have to tell the judge anyway. Might as well get it on paper before the hearing so the judge knows what's gong on.

In this case, the daughter was traumatized by Dad's DV against his wife, and Dad absolutely should not have been talking to the daughter about any of it; DV, court paperwork, nada. Much less showing court documents and trying to manipulate daughter.

The judge WILL be put out that Dad did what he did. Evidently there needs to be an order before Dad gets it through his head that daughter is not his sounding board, confidante, or personal support group.

The fact that Dad is going through a DV issue damages his credibility anyway. He can lie all he wants but judges hear liars every day in family court.

 

[rbw5147]

I just hope that Cheryl comes back quickly and let's people know what happened. She's had a WHOLE lot on her plate in regards to her ex and SM. The domestic violence was just the latest...

 

[cherylsarah01]

Update

We went through mediation that lasted maybe 15 minutes. Meidator asked me my biggest concern and I answered the domestic violence. She did not let me read any of my statements. I had to quickly explain in about a minute.

She had asked ex if there was a police report and he answered yes. She asked what the status was and he answered that he was exonerated of all charges. She asked to see that paper and he provided it to her. She then said that he was not exonerated but that his wife did not press charges. She asked for his wife's statement to the police and he said he did not have it. She asked him why he did not bring it. He had no answer. He also has to take a year long anger management class from this incident.

She asked him if he hit her and he told her he had thrown his base ball cap at her and it cut her nose open. She asked him how she got the black eye and he said it was from the cut on her nose. I had seen stepmom a week after it happened and it was a pretty deep backward "C" shaped cut from the middle of her forhead down to the bottom left side of her nose. The black eye was a "shinner" all around her eye top and bottom. Mediater told him she did not buy his story for a minute.

She also told him she did not buy his reason for him not showing up to any of the school functions and why he was trying to ban me. His reason was it was too stressful for my daughter to have me there and him and stepmom. Mediator told him if you make it common practice for both parents to be there the child benefits from it.

She then told us that her recommendation is for 50/50 physical and legal custody to remain and coparenting classes for both. Also court ordered counceling for daughter for anxiety. Mediator will speak with councelor, us and daughter in 3 months.

Ex was clenching fist and grinding teeth and had a total case of cotton mouth and raised his voice a bit. He huffed and puffed a lot and rolled his eyes whenever I spoke. He told mediator that I have domestic violence in my home. The mediator said prove it. He could not. I did have to explain to the mediator that disagreements do happen in my home at times between me and spouse but it is contained in another room or someone goes for a walk or bike ride to blow off steam and then it's revisited at another time with no kids around and never ever any violence nor has any police ever been called for any reason.

He told mediator that he did not want to take classes with me. He told mediator that he wants to just parent with his wife and not single our daughter out and have to parent with someone else. Mediator said he had to get in reality that he has a past history with me, 18 years, and that it resulted in a child with which he must now coparent with me.

It all sounds like it went well for me but really I got nothing I asked for. I was upset. Mediator said we have to do these steps and he is to have no more domestic violence incidents.

If our daughter benefits from this than that is what matters. We will meet again for mediation on Jan. 28th 2011.

 

[LdiJ]

We went through mediation that lasted maybe 15 minutes. Meidator asked me my biggest concern and I answered the domestic violence. She did not let me read any of my statements. I had to quickly explain in about a minute.

She had asked ex if there was a police report and he answered yes. She asked what the status was and he answered that he was exonerated of all charges. She asked to see that paper and he provided it to her. She then said that he was not exonerated but that his wife did not press charges. She asked for his wife's statement to the police and he said he did not have it. She asked him why he did not bring it. He had no answer. He also has to take a year long anger management class from this incident.

She asked him if he hit her and he told her he had thrown his base ball cap at her and it cut her nose open. She asked him how she got the black eye and he said it was from the cut on her nose. I had seen stepmom a week after it happened and it was a pretty deep backward "C" shaped cut from the middle of her forhead down to the bottom left side of her nose. The black eye was a "shinner" all around her eye top and bottom. Mediater told him she did not buy his story for a minute.

She also told him she did not buy his reason for him not showing up to any of the school functions and why he was trying to ban me. His reason was it was too stressful for my daughter to have me there and him and stepmom. Mediator told him if you make it common practice for both parents to be there the child benefits from it.

She then told us that her recommendation is for 50/50 physical and legal custody to remain and coparenting classes for both. Also court ordered counceling for daughter for anxiety. Mediator will speak with councelor, us and daughter in 3 months.

Ex was clenching fist and grinding teeth and had a total case of cotton mouth and raised his voice a bit. He huffed and puffed a lot and rolled his eyes whenever I spoke. He told mediator that I have domestic violence in my home. The mediator said prove it. He could not. I did have to explain to the mediator that disagreements do happen in my home at times between me and spouse but it is contained in another room or someone goes for a walk or bike ride to blow off steam and then it's revisited at another time with no kids around and never ever any violence nor has any police ever been called for any reason.

He told mediator that he did not want to take classes with me. He told mediator that he wants to just parent with his wife and not single our daughter out and have to parent with someone else. Mediator said he had to get in reality that he has a past history with me, 18 years, and that it resulted in a child with which he must now coparent with me.

It all sounds like it went well for me but really I got nothing I asked for. I was upset. Mediator said we have to do these steps and he is to have no more domestic violence incidents.

If our daughter benefits from this than that is what matters. We will meet again for mediation on Jan. 28th 2011.

The fact that counseling was ordered for your daughter is a major victory, in my opinion...and the mediator is going to stay in touch with the counselor.

 

[mistoffolees]

The fact that counseling was ordered for your daughter is a major victory, in my opinion...and the mediator is going to stay in touch with the counselor.

You also got an order for him to take parenting classes. You also got the mediator to state that he thinks Dad is lying.

If there are further incidents, or if Dad refuses to take classes, it could go against him.

 

[cherylsarah01]

Interesting thing mediator said

The mediator also said to us that she never ever recommends to the judge 50/50 shared parenting for anyone. She said it puts to much stress on a child to jump back and forth from one home to the other. She said that instead of the parents working for the child the child works for the parents having to adapt and change like a cameleon each week from home to home. Here we thought at the time we were making a good choice for her.

 

[mistoffolees]

The mediator also said to us that she never ever recommends to the judge 50/50 shared parenting for anyone.

That's a strange thing for a mediator to say - and suggests some biases rather than dealing with cases as they come.

My daughter is thriving on 50:50 with alternating week schedules. I know some other kids who have adapted well to it, also.

Is it right for everyone? Obviously not. But to take the position that you'd NEVER recommend it is a mistake, IMHO.