Kids failing, mom never home, advice needed

[wwhitehu]

________________________________________
What is the name of your state? My state is LA, Mom and kids are in TX

we are divorced by two years, separated since 2003, together prior to that 7.

*15 year old step son is going on his second year straight of failing 8th grade by 3 core classes. The first year he failed he could have passed via summer school but he failed that too because his mother couldn't get him to class on time. Well documented problems within school system with mom.

*13 year old daughter is failing 7th grade (first time) by 3 core classes

*Mom is never home. She is bipolar and ADD. With this she can't study around the kids so she leaves them at home and studies when she is not working or in class. Her words "Nothing is going to stop me from getting my education, not even the kids"

*She was in car accident 3-4 years ago, continues pain meds (up to 10 a day from what I understand) till today. Wakes up on Adderall, pain meds all day, Ambien to sleep..

*School can NEVER contact mom by phone, email or letters home. They call/email me in Louisiana as I respond and keep track of the kid’s academics from afar.

*My daughter was out one night about 4 weeks ago at a friend’s older sister’s house smoking pot. She confessed to this. I went to town and tried to press charges on this friends sister as she was an adult but was told they could do nothing about it

*Son and Mom get into physical fights a lot. A few weeks back the police were called as he ran away. Basically she hit him, he dropped her. (This physical contact has been going on for a few years now with son)

*Oldest step daughter has had 2 altercations with mom in past 2 years involving police and physical altercations. The family however covered for Mom on one occasion when CPS was involved. Investigation cleared mom.

*Ex's family stands behind my decision to want custody of daughter. They ALL agree and will testify if it helps. For the last month my ex and I had a plan in place to have my daughter come live with me. She agreed she was not capable of raising her. 3 days before I was supposed to go get her she backs out. This happened this week.

*she lost her job within the past week due to her mania.. her health and stress have been getting out of control.

*She met a man and he moved in within 3 months. Ex-Marine of 8 years. (IE: No morals, no structure in home, NO discipline)

With all of this, what do you think my chances are in court concerning custody? I just want enough control of my daughter to where I don't have to worry about her mom just running off with her. I don't want to keep them apart, just be able to control it so I can do what’s best for my child.

This is the email I got below from my ex 4 nights ago... details and names have been changed. This is how her mind works… I am posting this so you guys can see how she thinks and rationalizes.. which I’m hoping will work towards my case as she is an unfit mother.


If posting this is against forum rules I apologize. Please delete how you see fit if so.

Here in this letter she talks about our son going to live with his Aunt and Uncle here in LA. My son lived with me at the beginning of the school year. Her bleeding heart caused her to take him back home 3 months into school. So where I stand with her is that I will take my son (which she is willing to give up) so long as she signs over some form of custody as I was not able to do anything about it when she pulled him out of school and moved him back home. I would have stopped her, but I have no legal rights as he’s my step son. And for the record I talk to my son's aunt all the time, they read this email and were taken back.. they said nothing of the sort. They wanted both the mom and my son to move down here while I had my daughter.


“ I am trying to pass my exams and classes I have thus far'; there are only 2 of them so I am un reachable tonight. However tomorrow I will call so that we can talk. Last night really played a number on me FATHER, and SON's AUNT and SON's UNCLE asked if they could take SON so that DAUGHTER and I could get on with our lives as SON's AUNT seems to think (and she's right) that he needs a male figure and more people to watch over him.
It was also brought up that the plan of both SON and I staying with her with SON's COUSIN is not a good idea; as SON will be trouble if I am under the same roof and SON's UNCLE nor SON's AUNT will have any bad influences around SON's COUSIN. I know it will be impossible to live with others with SON. I love my son with evefrything in me but I am unable to control his anger and abuse toward both myself and his sister. This leaves me unable to move in the city my daughter will reside in if she comes to live with you.

Last night both of us cried and held each other and bonded so closely again that I saw my DAUGHTER, my Baby Girl. She cried out of her fears of leaving me alone with her brother, shared her anxieties of not having her mom around, and how sorry she was for all of her acting out. Of course I forgave her and took the weight from her shoulders by explaining that I I had slacked off due to the heavy weight of running after SON, the guilt of leaving one child at home while onlytaking the other, and my recognition of her always keeping herself in the background so that I didn't haveto work twice as hard because he took up so much attention. I also explained that I was sorry that she felt as though she had to supress her joys and accomplishments due to fear of her brothers jealousy, and my busy schedule. I promised her I would be more mindful of her position and that I was not willing to sacrafice one child for the other because it was just not fair to her and her success as an individual.
She then asked to sleep with me and begged me to just hold her. She is frightened FATHER and I can't let go. I have to fight for her and her happiness. I have gone to the ends of the earth for SON but I am just not what he needs (nor unconsciously) wants. I admit I was totally wrong regarding SON returning home but know I have done everything with the best of intentions and that there is no sure fired way to know as a parent if what you are doing is best. I was thinking with my heart for SON, not my head. And I did recognize a big change in him when he returned for a short period. It sadens me that I can't give my child what he needs. But with DAUGHTER, thinking with my head and not my heart, I know for sure she will be devistated and lesser the complete whole person we wish her to be if she leaves her Mother's side. I also know for sure, unquestionably so that DAUGHTER and I can have a healthy life together if my focus is kept on her. While SON was with ou, though we both missed him emmensl we were able to flow together, DAUGHTER studied with me, we went to the movies, we had girl time, and we enjoyed one another very much. She comes to me with her deepest darkest concerns and doubts as a little woman and hangs on every word I say. I cannot take that away from her. I want to get in a spot where I am everything and more that she needs like I was a year and a half ago. And I know I can do this if SON moves home with family.
I am still selling my house and I am still moving. It will just take some time, probably more time than either one, DAUGHTER nor myself can bear.
I know you are tired of the struggle, but know I am as well. These are my Babies and none of this is easy. I do not want to give up and my spirit is much strionger. DAUGHTER has given that back to me. I am emailing her counselor tonight about summer school and pushing for whatever I can to help move her to the 8th grade. I am doing this without promise to DAUGHTER as not to get her hopes up. I can't get my head out of the game with other stressors at this point, so We will have to wait until tomorrow to talk, please ynderstand for me, for us. I will have DAUGHTER call you tonight before bed ok.”What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Proserpina]

Please edit your post.

Stick to FACTS only, leave out the emotion and editorializing and ask your questions afterwards.



It will be much easier to help you!

 

[wwhitehu]

Please edit your post.

Stick to FACTS only, leave out the emotion and editorializing and ask your questions afterwards.



It will be much easier to help you!

sorry, i thought this was as factual as possible. I did read the sticky and tried to make it a point to list facts, hence the bullet points.

 

[mistoffolees]

There are several factors:

1. Stepson is a major problem. Since you are not his parent, your standing to even ask for custody is questionable. Some states allow for 'de facto' parents to get custody. Texas does not have clear standards on this and it varies by judge:
GRANDPARENT RIGHTS TX: Judges at odds over nonbiological "de facto" parent's standing to assert custody and visitation claims
Compounding that, you're out of state - and most states don't really like transferring custody out of state - even if you could convince them that you should get custody.
Where is the child's father? He would be first in line if Mom is proven unfit.

2. Daughter is a more typical case. You'd have to prove to the court that there is grounds to reconsider custody. Failing school might be a reason. Police reports might be another. If you pass that hurdle, you need to prove that the daughter would be better off with you.


The real problem you have is lack of evidence. CPS investigations where Mom was cleared are useless. Pot allegations where a formal complaint was not filed are useless. The only thing that matters is what you can prove.


This is going to be a very complicated case - not so much with the daughter, but definitely with the stepson. You really need to see a local attorney who would have experience with the judge you are likely to get and might have some insight into your chances of winning.

 

[CJane]

So, I read the "email from Mom", and I'm not getting how that would ever go towards proving her unfit.

It reads to me like a mother who's been so wrapped up in dealing with a violent older child, that she's let the younger and more tractable child fade into the background. And now she has come to the realization that that has harmed her relationship with the child and she's seeking help at mending it. And at getting kiddo to pass 7th grade after all.

Please to 'splain the "unfit" portion of all of this.

 

[wwhitehu]

So, I read the "email from Mom", and I'm not getting how that would ever go towards proving her unfit.

It reads to me like a mother who's been so wrapped up in dealing with a violent older child, that she's let the younger and more tractable child fade into the background. And now she has come to the realization that that has harmed her relationship with the child and she's seeking help at mending it. And at getting kiddo to pass 7th grade after all.

Please to 'splain the "unfit" portion of all of this.

So the question of why he's violent doesn't cross your mind? Me stating that her oldest daughter and her had the same relationship in concerns to violence doesn't show you a pattern?

My son is not a violent child with me, only with his mother, and only when SHE places a hand on him first. He's been conditioned to respond the way he does with her, by her.

 

[mistoffolees]

So the question of why he's violent doesn't cross your mind? Me stating that her oldest daughter and her had the same relationship in concerns to violence doesn't show you a pattern?

My son is not a violent child with me, only with his mother, and only when SHE places a hand on him first. He's been conditioned to respond the way he does with her, by her.

Look, you already got the answer to your question. In order to get a change of custody, you're going to need to establish a change in circumstances and then you'll have to prove to the satisfaction of the court that changing custody is in the best interests of the kid(s). On top of that, you have to hope that you get a judge who allows for the recognition of a de facto parent.

You really can't do this on your own. You need a local attorney.

 

[stealth2]

Is he your son, or your stepson?

 

[LdiJ]

So the question of why he's violent doesn't cross your mind? Me stating that her oldest daughter and her had the same relationship in concerns to violence doesn't show you a pattern?

Not from that email. You stating that her oldest daughter had that same kind of relationship with her makes it cross my mind, but not that email.

My son is not a violent child with me, only with his mother, and only when SHE places a hand on him first. He's been conditioned to respond the way he does with her, by her.

Can you prove that? Can you prove it with hard evidence? He is also not your son, he is your stepson, and you need to be careful to refer to him as such.

 

[wwhitehu]

Is he your son, or your stepson?

He's my step son, but I've been in his life as his Dad since he was one. His biological father is not in the picture.

I do plan on hiring an attorney, I just posted here to see what people think of the situation who have more understanding regarding the topic. I know that in the end my attorney and the judge will be the ones who make the decision.

At the moment, I know my odds are against me with my step-son.. so I'm torn with making this a case for both, or just for my daughter. My fear is that if I go for both, it would harm my overall case.

Over the years I've done what I could for my son within my legal bounds. When he lived with me here recently I would not have let him go back home had I had rights.

 

[stealth2]

He's my step son, but I've been in his life as his Dad since he was one. His biological father is not in the picture.

Then please refer to him using the proper legal term. Thank you.

I do plan on hiring an attorney, I just posted here to see what people think of the situation who have more understanding regarding the topic. I know that in the end my attorney and the judge will be the ones who make the decision.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Your lawyer will make no decision whatsoever! ONLY the judge will.

 

[wwhitehu]

Not from that email. You stating that her oldest daughter had that same kind of relationship with her makes it cross my mind, but not that email.



Can you prove that? Can you prove it with hard evidence? He is also not your son, he is your stepson, and you need to be careful to refer to him as such.

I've only know him as my son over 15 years. Sorry, in my mind I don't think of him as my "step".

 

[wwhitehu]

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Your lawyer will make no decision whatsoever! ONLY the judge will.

understood..

 

[mistoffolees]

I've only know him as my son over 15 years. Sorry, in my mind I don't think of him as my "step".

No one's arguing that. If it were up to me, I'd accept that you have established de facto parent status. Unfortunately, I don't make that decision.

In some states, de facto status is permitted by statute. In others, it's forbidden by statute. Texas is an oddball - the status is still up in the air and you could have two judges sitting in adjacent courtrooms who decide differently - even if given exactly the same facts.

I may be possible that even a local attorney can't tell you your changes on the stepson until it has been assigned to a particular judge. Furthermore, it may be that you'd get a judge who would allow visitation, but not custody (there would be somewhat shaky legality to that, but if they didn't state it that baldly, they could do it). But you still haven't answered a very important question: where is Dad?

For your daughter where you have a better chance, the key is as I said - it's all going to be about evidence. What can you prove? How are you going to demonstrate to the judge's satisfaction that the child would be better off with you? Are you able to prove that Mom is unfit (I sure don't see anything in what you wrote)? It's all up to the 'best interests of the child' determination. You MUST prove that the child is better off with you.

But before that, you have to prove that you have standing to even reopen the custody case. That may require a change in circumstances in the child's life. As I said, failing school MIGHT be grounds, but I wouldn't put too much faith in that. You will need to ask your attorney what it takes to even open a case - and whether you have sufficient grounds according to local standards.

 

[CJane]

So the question of why he's violent doesn't cross your mind? Me stating that her oldest daughter and her had the same relationship in concerns to violence doesn't show you a pattern?

You said that you posted that email for a very specific reason:

This is how her mind works… I am posting this so you guys can see how she thinks and rationalizes.. which I’m hoping will work towards my case as she is an unfit mother.

That email, in my opinion, does not show a deficit of thought or rationale, nor does it speak to your allegations that she's unfit.

So if THAT is the caliber of evidence you plan to submit to the court? Might as well back your bags and go back home now.