Lost and overwhelmed

[bookwurm25]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana (we are military)


My husband and I will be separating soon and I would not be surprised if shortly after I leave, he files for divorce. Fine. My issue is this: I cannot take our children with me because I have been dependant on my husband's income for so long and have been a stay at home mom, so I have no money of my own. Originally, my plan was to leave the children here with him while I go back to our home state, get a job, and get my own place. I was hoping we could work things out like adults and keep the kids out of a custody battle for as long as possible. To protect me, I asked him if he would be willing to sign a notarized agreement stating that if I leave without the kids, it is NOT abandonment, and that I would be willing to send him money every week/month to help as much as I could. He will not agree. Now I am being told (from someone in his company) that if I leave without the kids, they are basically going to force him to come after me for a
bandonment, bar me from coming on post (I had every intention of visiting OUR kids as much as possible), and so on. Now, I feel trapped. I only know a few people, and it would be wildly inappropriate for me to move-in with anybody he works with. The job market here is terrible (I have been trying for MONTHS to get a job that would pay my car payment and help me with rent) and I would not feel safe living alone anywhere in town. What do I do? He has completely cut me off, even though I am still living in the house with him and our kids, I still cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the kids, etc...but now I have NO access to funds, not even gas money, nothing left to sell of my own to even try to get a few bucks for gas, etc. I am so completely lost. Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana (we are military)


My husband and I will be separating soon and I would not be surprised if shortly after I leave, he files for divorce. Fine. My issue is this: I cannot take our children with me because I have been dependant on my husband's income for so long and have been a stay at home mom, so I have no money of my own. Originally, my plan was to leave the children here with him while I go back to our home state, get a job, and get my own place. I was hoping we could work things out like adults and keep the kids out of a custody battle for as long as possible. To protect me, I asked him if he would be willing to sign a notarized agreement stating that if I leave without the kids, it is NOT abandonment, and that I would be willing to send him money every week/month to help as much as I could. He will not agree. Now I am being told (from someone in his company) that if I leave without the kids, they are basically going to force him to come after me for a
bandonment, bar me from coming on post (I had every intention of visiting OUR kids as much as possible), and so on. Now, I feel trapped. I only know a few people, and it would be wildly inappropriate for me to move-in with anybody he works with. The job market here is terrible (I have been trying for MONTHS to get a job that would pay my car payment and help me with rent) and I would not feel safe living alone anywhere in town. What do I do? He has completely cut me off, even though I am still living in the house with him and our kids, I still cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the kids, etc...but now I have NO access to funds, not even gas money, nothing left to sell of my own to even try to get a few bucks for gas, etc. I am so completely lost. Any advice would be much appreciated.

First of all, a notarized document will do nothing for you. Second, no one is going to force dad to do anything. If it were me, I'd stay in the home with the children and refuse to leave. You shoud file for divorce, support and custody.

If you leave without the children, it will be much harder to get the children back when you feel ready.

 

[stealth2]

If you leave wiuthout the kids, you should expect to be the NCP and to pay child support.

You woulw d be better served by waiting until you find a job locally and can find a place to live in thst comunity. THEN, you can move with the kids.

 

[SESmama]

If he is military is he deployable? If so why would not OP be allowed to move back to the home state with the kids?

 

[bookwurm25]

No, he is not deploy-able. His contract is up in August and they are supposedly going to chapter him out for being overweight.

 

[wavehopper27]

If you leave the kids with him, he will have the status quo meaning that barring and significant change of circumstances, getting custody back will be near impossible. Expect to pay child support and only see your kids during court ordered visiation.

 

[Zigner]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana (we are military)


My husband and I will be separating soon and I would not be surprised if shortly after I leave, he files for divorce. Fine. My issue is this: I cannot take our children with me because I have been dependant on my husband's income for so long and have been a stay at home mom, so I have no money of my own. Originally, my plan was to leave the children here with him while I go back to our home state, get a job, and get my own place. I was hoping we could work things out like adults and keep the kids out of a custody battle for as long as possible. To protect me, I asked him if he would be willing to sign a notarized agreement stating that if I leave without the kids, it is NOT abandonment, and that I would be willing to send him money every week/month to help as much as I could. He will not agree. Now I am being told (from someone in his company) that if I leave without the kids, they are basically going to force him to come after me for a
bandonment, bar me from coming on post (I had every intention of visiting OUR kids as much as possible), and so on. Now, I feel trapped. I only know a few people, and it would be wildly inappropriate for me to move-in with anybody he works with. The job market here is terrible (I have been trying for MONTHS to get a job that would pay my car payment and help me with rent) and I would not feel safe living alone anywhere in town. What do I do? He has completely cut me off, even though I am still living in the house with him and our kids, I still cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the kids, etc...but now I have NO access to funds, not even gas money, nothing left to sell of my own to even try to get a few bucks for gas, etc. I am so completely lost. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I have to ask. How is it not abandonment if you are running off to another state while leaving the children in the care of your husband until such time as it's convenient for you to send for the kids...?

 

[bookwurm25]

I have been a stay at home mother for three years (a decision we made together), so I have no income of my own. My thoughts were that if I left the children with him, they would be financially secure until it was time for him to separate from the army (after his ETS, he is heading to California to go to school full time for two years) and then we would have the kids stay with me for the next two years. But now I see how naive I was being. I understand now, that even with a notarized separation agreement in place it could come back to bite me in the ass. Now, after much thought and research, I will be staying in the area, applying for temporary custody, applying for state assistance, registering the children for on-post child care, going to the local pro-bono program, and applying for ANY reasonable job I can get. If that means I have to go to the local shelter with the children and get assistance there, fine. He is going to end up screwing himself in the end. He has a dating website account (in the Army, adultery is a crime unless you are legally divorced), has been feeding his command half-truths and thinks he can control my every move with false information. Not to mention the verbal and physical violence that is on record.

 

[Zigner]

Maybe I'm missing something here...but why is it better to remove the children from their home? Apparently, you have absolutely no problem with the father caring for the children full time, so he's not harming them in any way.

 

[ecmst12]

OP is the primary caregiver, it's best for the children to stay with her.

 

[Zigner]

OP is the primary caregiver, it's best for the children to stay with her.

In my opinion, that is, to a large extent, negated by the fact that she is fine with the other parent having primary custody for a couple of years because it would be more convenient for her.

 

[bookwurm25]

Look, I was not leaving the kids because it would make things easier for me, I just thought THEY would be better taken care of if they were with someone who would have a paycheck no matter what and who loves them (he may be terrible to me, but he is amazing with the kids). However, I see now that would not be a good idea. I have been the primary caretaker of the children for their entire lives. I don't want to hurt them and I don't want to make it seem as though I can turn my back on them, because I can't. Like I said, I will be taking the children with me, staying in the local community and applying for all the help I can get. My husband is an extremely controlling man and is going to make things as difficult as possible, so I just want to make sure I am doing all the right things, taking the right steps. I would like to avoid shelters at all possible costs (in case you weren't aware, Louisiana doesn't have a whole lot of funds, so I can just imagine what that would be like), but if that's what I have to do, then so be it.

 

[Antigone*]

In my opinion, that is, to a large extent, negated by the fact that she is fine with the other parent having primary custody for a couple of years because it would be more convenient for her.

How many times have we seen this exact same scenario. Mom leaves kids with dad or parents to try and get on her feet. Then can't get them back. I think sometimes people don't think things all the way through. At least this OP was smart enough to ask about consequences.

OP, stay with your kids - do whatever it takes - even a homeless shelter if you have to; but, I would personally stay in the house - let him leave.

 

[Zigner]

From what you have said, you don't like the man, so you want to take the children away from an amazing father. Something with that just doesn't sit right with me.

Look, I was not leaving the kids because it would make things easier for me, I just thought THEY would be better taken care of if they were with someone who would have a paycheck no matter what and who loves them (he may be terrible to me, but he is amazing with the kids). However, I see now that would not be a good idea. I have been the primary caretaker of the children for their entire lives. I don't want to hurt them and I don't want to make it seem as though I can turn my back on them, because I can't. Like I said, I will be taking the children with me, staying in the local community and applying for all the help I can get. My husband is an extremely controlling man and is going to make things as difficult as possible, so I just want to make sure I am doing all the right things, taking the right steps. I would like to avoid shelters at all possible costs (in case you weren't aware, Louisiana doesn't have a whole lot of funds, so I can just imagine what that would be like), but if that's what I have to do, then so be it.

 

[bookwurm25]

Zigner, then enlighten me: Option A) Leave without the kids and it's abandonment OR Option B) Leave with the kids, and now I am a bad parent for not letting him take care of them? This is where I get confused. If I leave with the kids and go out of state where the employment opportunities are better and I have a family support system, he will come after with "kidnapping" since he has made it perfectly clear there is no way he will ever agree to any custody that takes the kids from him; if I leave without the kids then I am abandoning them because it's "convenient" for me; if I stay with him and "co-parent" it WILL escalate into a physical fight, like it has before. So you tell me, what am I supposed to do?