child support modification (my husband's for his 18 year old daughter)

[tibeaux]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ

Here's my husbands/my situation in a nutshell:
My husband, a full time musician, split up with the mother of his daughter (they never married) about 15 years ago. At that time the wedding band business was booming and the court ordered that he pay $125 per week. (they also ordered visitation rights which the ex and daughter never complied with) A few years later it was increased to $140. I married him in 2007, when his wedding band business began a precipitous decline, and opted to file taxes separately because he had a lot of debt (IRS, credit card). However, he continued to pay the $140 per week ($520/month) to his ex. Being naive about the way child support is calculated, I sort of ignored the whole thing and ended up paying all of our household expenses.

About 6 months ago it dawned on me that *I* was supporting my husband's EX and daughter, who is now 18. She commutes to community college (Brookdale), and has a trust fund from my husband's father of $120,000 to cover her college costs; my husband's brother controls that money. By now, with the decline of the wedding band business, my husband nets less than $60/week (yes, that's right), and I have an enormous burden on me which I don't feel is right. To add to the whole thing, my husband was diagnosed with a rare and lethal type of cancer called cholangiocarcinoma in April of 2012. The medical benefits from my job enable him to get treated at Sloan Kettering, but the prognosis remains grim. (Though at the moment he is doing well.)
Also pertinent is that my husband's ex doesn't pay taxes; her income as a house cleaner is under the table. She owns her house and they have 2 cars. I looked at some of the legal documents online and it appears that their joint income (which I gather is used to calculate child support) is below the poverty line. I'm thinking that the EX probably owes my husband money because he's been overpaying plus the trust fund is now covering his daughter's expenses. Wondering whether this situation would warrant professional legal intervention, or if anyone has any insights. Thank you very kindly for reading.

 

[SmokeyParkCop]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ

(they also ordered visitation rights which the ex and daughter never complied with)

About 6 months ago it dawned on me that *I* was supporting my husband's EX and daughter, who is now 18.

Most people are going to tell you, that this is his problem, if he has a question he should come on and ask. In this case, you are not a legal party to this order.

But, i have a question for you. You married a man who didn't step up and do something about it when his daughters mother was disobeying a legal order and denying his time with his child and you are SURPRISED he is ignoring his other responsibilities?? You knew he was a dud before you married him....

 

[tibeaux]

Most people are going to tell you, that this is his problem, if he has a question he should come on and ask. In this case, you are not a legal party to this order.

But, i have a question for you. You married a man who didn't step up and do something about it when his daughters mother was disobeying a legal order and denying his time with his child and you are SURPRISED he is ignoring his other responsibilities?? You knew he was a dud before you married him....

yes, you are right, i should've looked at the red flags. Unfortunately, love is blind...that said, I do love the guy and respect the fact that he's trying to be a good dad to his daughter. my main problem with him is that he's very passive about all of this because he doesn't want the mother to cut him off completely (or turn the daughter against him). he'd rather allow me to get the short end of the stick, which is wrong. anyway, after i came to grips with this situation 6 months ago, he FINALLY agreed to deal with it and i'm trying to figure out where he stands in all this. oh and re: the visitation thing, it was always murky because the daughter was/is glued to her mom and didn't want to upset her mom by spending a lot of time with her dad. (plus we live 1.5 hours from them.)

 

[Ohiogal]

yes, you are right, i should've looked at the red flags. Unfortunately, love is blind...that said, I do love the guy and respect the fact that he's trying to be a good dad to his daughter. my main problem with him is that he's very passive about all of this because he doesn't want the mother to cut him off completely (or turn the daughter against him). he'd rather allow me to get the short end of the stick, which is wrong. anyway, after i came to grips with this situation 6 months ago, he FINALLY agreed to deal with it and i'm trying to figure out where he stands in all this. oh and re: the visitation thing, it was always murky because the daughter was/is glued to her mom and didn't want to upset her mom by spending a lot of time with her dad. (plus we live 1.5 hours from them.)

You aren't supporting his daughter or his ex. HE is reimbursing his ex for raising their joint daughter. You seem to accept all the excuses he hands out for not having a relationship with his daughter. I vote for the fact that he didn't care that much. You aren't getting the short end of the stick. Divorce him and he can fend for himself. Which may mean he needs to get a better job. Weddings are still happening. He will most likely be imputed with an income unless he can prove that he is UNABLE to work. A diagnosis may or may not be enough.

 

[tibeaux]

You aren't supporting his daughter or his ex. HE is reimbursing his ex for raising their joint daughter. You seem to accept all the excuses he hands out for not having a relationship with his daughter. I vote for the fact that he didn't care that much. You aren't getting the short end of the stick. Divorce him and he can fend for himself. Which may mean he needs to get a better job. Weddings are still happening. He will most likely be imputed with an income unless he can prove that he is UNABLE to work. A diagnosis may or may not be enough.

You bring up great points. However, he very badly wants a relationship with his daughter and would see her every day if she wanted it. Since her mother is alone, I think the daughter feels sorry for her, whereas they both see him as "taken care of" by me. Boy, is that ever true

As it stands, she agrees to go out with him about once per month. And I agree that he needs to get a job, but since the cancer diagnosis (which believe me, is dire), I haven't pushed that. For his sake and my sake I want him to clean up this mess, or at least set it in the right direction, before he's on his deathbed and unable to do anything about it.

 

[Eekamouse]

Your husband's ex doesn't owe him a thing. He was paying court ordered child support. How do you figure he's been overpaying her and she should pay him back? That's just silly.

 

[LdiJ]

You aren't supporting his daughter or his ex. HE is reimbursing his ex for raising their joint daughter. You seem to accept all the excuses he hands out for not having a relationship with his daughter. I vote for the fact that he didn't care that much. You aren't getting the short end of the stick. Divorce him and he can fend for himself. Which may mean he needs to get a better job. Weddings are still happening. He will most likely be imputed with an income unless he can prove that he is UNABLE to work. A diagnosis may or may not be enough.

I dunno OG...the guy has been diagnosed with a rare and lethal form of cancer. I don't really think that we an expect him to be too focused on child support issues. Sine the child is 18 visitation issues are irrelevant as the child is no longer subject to court orders for visitation.

OP, what is your husband's actual prognosis?

 

[tibeaux]

I dunno OG...the guy has been diagnosed with a rare and lethal form of cancer. I don't really think that we an expect him to be too focused on child support issues. Sine the child is 18 visitation issues are irrelevant as the child is no longer subject to court orders for visitation.

OP, what is your husband's actual prognosis?

RIght, visitation no longer subject to court order. But she lives at home and commutes to college--her tuition is negligable, but yet she has access to a 120K trust fund from my husband's father. (his inheritance, but earmarked by his dad for his daughter.) his prognosis is grim--95% of people with this cancer die within 3 years, and it's been 2 years since diagnosis.the other 4.99999% die within 5 years, but there are a few cases out there who have made it over 8 years--but those people had perfect surgical outcomes, whereas my husband had a fairly bleak outcome (they couldn't get all the cancer).


BTW i really appreciate all you guys weighing in...i know NOTHING about legal stuff. I'm also a musician, with my head in the clouds, except that I have a full time job as well

 

[tibeaux]

Your husband's ex doesn't owe him a thing. He was paying court ordered child support. How do you figure he's been overpaying her and she should pay him back? That's just silly.

Well, at the time the child support was calculated, his wedding band business was booming...now everyone uses DJs and not full bands, and definitely not full bands who only go up to music of the 70s LOL.

 

[LdiJ]

RIght, visitation no longer subject to court order. But she lives at home and commutes to college--her tuition is negligable, but yet she has access to a 120K trust fund from my husband's father. (his inheritance, but earmarked by his dad for his daughter.) his prognosis is grim--95% of people with this cancer die within 3 years, and it's been 2 years since diagnosis.the other 4.99999% die within 5 years, but there are a few cases out there who have made it over 8 years--but those people had perfect surgical outcomes, whereas my husband had a fairly bleak outcome (they couldn't get all the cancer).


BTW i really appreciate all you guys weighing in...i know NOTHING about legal stuff. I'm also a musician, with my head in the clouds, except that I have a full time job as well

Since the child is a legal adult and is in college dad could file to terminate child support. You are absolutely NOT required to pay your husband's child support and could stop doing so. However, that may cause problems for him if their court orders require him to pay throughout the college years.

 

[tibeaux]

Since the child is a legal adult and is in college dad could file to terminate child support. You are absolutely NOT required to pay your husband's child support and could stop doing so. However, that may cause problems for him if their court orders require him to pay throughout the college years.

Right, the NJ laws are murky regarding college years. But I was thinking that since we file taxes separately, and since his net income plus his EX's net income fall below the poverty line, he could get it adjusted. Also, further complicating things is that because his EX doesn't pay taxes, she allows him to claim the daughter on his taxes. however, that still causes him to have to pay her more than he actually earns. but i think the "imputed income" might be key...even with the poor prognosis, it's clear that at the moment he is ABLE to work, and probably the judge would tell him to get a job.

again, thanks to all of you for hashing this out with me...i felt like i was going crazy under the weight of this problem.

 

[Eekamouse]

It's not his ex's fault he never filed for an adjustment of the amount he had to pay. She doesn't owe him anything.

 

[Proserpina]

Since the child is a legal adult and is in college dad could file to terminate child support. You are absolutely NOT required to pay your husband's child support and could stop doing so. However, that may cause problems for him if their court orders require him to pay throughout the college years.

L, NJ is more like NY than most people would like. If it's ordered before the child is emancipated (for the purposes of child support) support can feasibly continue till the adult child (weird term, that is) has graduated from college.

On the other hand, if nothing has change much in the past few years he might have trouble modifying/ending normally...however with that diagnosis? I'd be shocked (and appalled, frankly) if he didn't get a break.

18 isn't the magic number in NJ; if the adult child (grrrr..not liking that term) is not considered truly independent, support can continue.

(For what its worth, that form of cancer does carry a dismal prognosis even when caught early. We're looking at a 5-year survival rate of ... well, less than 5% without complete surgical resection. And even with a complete resection, we're looking at around 25%. This is a vicious form of cancer, and yeah, my heart goes out to Dad, the OP and all of his family).

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

I am not trying to be rude or morbid, however, you are going to inherit all marital assets soon. That should be redemption enough for his inactivity. If he actually paid SS taxes he should get SSDI.

 

[Proserpina]

You aren't supporting his daughter or his ex. HE is reimbursing his ex for raising their joint daughter. You seem to accept all the excuses he hands out for not having a relationship with his daughter. I vote for the fact that he didn't care that much. You aren't getting the short end of the stick. Divorce him and he can fend for himself. Which may mean he needs to get a better job. Weddings are still happening. He will most likely be imputed with an income unless he can prove that he is UNABLE to work. A diagnosis may or may not be enough.

I would think "dying" might just convince the folk at child support.

Y'know, I get your point, but there are times when we SERIOUSLY need to turn down the venom.

This isn't the "usual" case. At all. Even IF.