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moved from Wa to Ok, no parenting plan, father has had no contact or attempts in 2 yr

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taresa21

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oklahoma, however i have only been here 3 months so it may involve Wa as well
My husband recieved a job offer we couldnt refuse in Ok and we proceeded to move our family here. We have been here 3 months all has been well. Within the last 2 years my sons father has no had any contact with him, no calls, letters, presents or visits of any sort. He has made no attempt to any contact either. I researched Wa law and found that i did no legally have to inform the father of the move since we have no parenting plan of any sort. We have never been to court and the small amount of child support i do get has to be garnished from his paychecks and are not paid willingly We have been waiting to become citizens of Oklahoma (6mths is the timeline) and we were going to pursue a step-parent adoption according to OK state laws. I have just recently received a text message from the father stating he wants to see his son. Out of the blue and after 2 years of nothing. My son does not want to see his father, does not even consider him his father. My husband has raised my son since he was 18mths old. Even when there was contact between my sons father and him it was few and far between. His father sent a random text to me in April of '14 that he was going to be "moving away" never where to i assumed it was out of state. I do not know that his father will actually attempt a case for visitation but my son is terrified he will be forced into visits. The father has never been legally charge with anything however has a long long history of domestic abuse on me and his own mother, in which my son witnessed personally. I am afraid for my child and want to protect him at all costs. My son has dreamed of being adopted by his step dad for many years and even if that doesnt happen i do not want my son to be forced to visit his father almost 2000 miles away. Do i have a leg to stand on? should i proceed or wait for the father to make the first move? Does stating he wants contact count as an "attempt? All he said was he wants to see him and doesnt know what to do, there was no asking to see or talk to him, no plans made im not sure of the technicality of it all. Thanks
 


anearthw

Member
Mom, you and dad have both been behaving badly. There are so many issues here, you are better off with an attorney.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
legally speaking....keep your contact information updated so dad can contact you should he decide to pursue his legal options. there is no need to proceed at this point until you are ordered to do so.


now....speaking as a child who was not able to contact her father throughout her entire childhood because her mother didn't want to hassle of sharing the child....you seriously should not have asked the child anything or made it terrifying for the child. seriously. shame on you. there should be nothing terrifying about meeting a family member. that was deliberate on your part. you projected your wants so skew the child's outlook. that's really going to suck when and IF dad takes it to court and you are ordered to provide the child for visitation.
 

taresa21

Junior Member
legally speaking....keep your contact information updated so dad can contact you should he decide to pursue his legal options. there is no need to proceed at this point until you are ordered to do so.


now....speaking as a child who was not able to contact her father throughout her entire childhood because her mother didn't want to hassle of sharing the child....you seriously should not have asked the child anything or made it terrifying for the child. seriously. shame on you. there should be nothing terrifying about meeting a family member. that was deliberate on your part. you projected your wants so skew the child's outlook. that's really going to suck when and IF dad takes it to court and you are ordered to provide the child for visitation.

^^^not sure how this comment applies to anything, open contact has always been there as an option and even been encouraged on my part. i do not see that i am at fault for my son witnessing his father beat me, or break his mothers arm in a fit of rage. He knows who is father is, has spent time with him in the past and made the decision he has made the choice not to want to see him due to seeing his fathers actions. There is a lot of history behind this, including retraining orders on the fathers extended family who tried to kidnap my son from school. Please i want legal advice not someone bashing on me without knowing the whole story, details i gave pertain to the case at hand(if there is one)
 

Isis1

Senior Member
^^^not sure how this comment applies to anything, open contact has always been there as an option and even been encouraged on my part. i do not see that i am at fault for my son witnessing his father beat me, or break his mothers arm in a fit of rage. He knows who is father is, has spent time with him in the past and made the decision he has made the choice not to want to see him due to seeing his fathers actions. There is a lot of history behind this, including retraining orders on the fathers extended family who tried to kidnap my son from school. Please i want legal advice not someone bashing on me without knowing the whole story, details i gave pertain to the case at hand(if there is one)
your "whole story" does not change anything. speaking from experience....yes....my children have also witnessed abuse by their father to myself as their mother. in addition to abuse against them. CPS was involved. but i STILL encouraged a positive relationship on my children to their father. because that is my job as a parent. because legally speaking....the courts expect my participation in keeping that relationship positive. do i like it? effing NO! but i still have to do it.

that's why i separated the legal option from my opinion. see that space there?

legally speaking...you don't have to do anything. just maintain.

but should dad decide to exercise his rights to file and work on a relationship, i still feel you deserve to be prepared and ready to present his dad in a positive light. in addition to allowing the child to make his own judgment as an adult about how his father was. not how he was to you.
 

CJane

Senior Member
I dunno, Isis. Twain has no memory of his father. I've never said anything bad about him to Twain, never made the child aware of the occasional terror I experienced around him...

But if all of a sudden this "family member" decided he wanted access to my son? I'm thinking Twain wouldn't be too awfully excited about it.

And I wouldn't allow it until a court told me to. Nor would I feel as if I was harming my child by refusing to allow it.
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
I dunno, Isis. Twain has no memory of his father. I've never said anything bad about him to Twain, never made the child aware of the occasional terror I experienced around him...

But if all of a sudden this "family member" decided he wanted access to my son? I'm thinking Twain wouldn't be too awfully excited about it.

And I wouldn't allow it until a court told me to. Nor would I feel as if I was harming my child by refusing to allow it.
There's a difference between not allowing access and trying to sneak in a step-parent adoption.
 

CJane

Senior Member
I'm not seeing a sneak in. Heck, we'll be working on a step parent adoption as soon as we're settled in Washington.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
So if you didn't inform dad of your address, how was he supposed to see his son? What have you told your son about his father? And you haven't had two years of nothing. You have had two years of dad being a cash machine and paying child support. Expect not to go through with a stepparent adoption IF the child's father doesn't agree. Oh and it is past time to put junior into counseling.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
Within the last 2 years my sons father has no had any contact with him, no calls, letters, presents or visits of any sort. He has made no attempt to any contact either....and the small amount of child support i do get has to be garnished from his paychecks...
Child support = Contact.

You may not see it that way, but most (all?) states do. Your attorney (or perhaps someone here) can advise you about WA, because I don't have time to research it.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
To support the point made by Isis, my Dad was kept away from his father by his mother because she was angry and turned hateful. Then my Dad grew up, found his father, established a relationship, and NEVER forgave his mother. It was sad, and it colored all our lives. :(

I read posts here and wonder if warring parents ever consider that children grow up. Yes, they do. And then they act accordingly.
 

CJane

Senior Member
Child support = Contact.

You may not see it that way, but most (all?) states do. Your attorney (or perhaps someone here) can advise you about WA, because I don't have time to research it.
WA, MO and KS (the three states I've spoken to attorneys in regarding what constitutes contact) are moving towards NOT considering child support on its own as contact. Instead they're moving towards using PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL AND FINANCIAL support - of 2/3 are lacking, then it's possible to prove abandonment.

If Dad has chosen not to have contact with the child - even though contact was a possibility (he had her phone number) for two years - then it's quite possible that abandonment could be shown regardless of whether or not CS has been paid. Mom only moved to OK 3 months ago, so it's not as if her relocation was a guiding force in Dad's lack of contact.

And for the record, I absolutely agree with Silverplum that if a relationship is actively prevented due to anger/hatred of the other parent, it's an issue. BUT, I don't think that's the case here.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
How old is your son?
Good question Stealth.

OP, How old is your son..thatis not clear in your first post

ETA: Actually per the way your wrote your first post it seems if your son is 3 1/2- 4 years old. If this is true...How does he remember an assault against you in such detail from infancy?? Do you discuss this with him???
 
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Silverplum

Senior Member
WA, MO and KS (the three states I've spoken to attorneys in regarding what constitutes contact) are moving towards NOT considering child support on its own as contact. Instead they're moving towards using PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL AND FINANCIAL support - of 2/3 are lacking, then it's possible to prove abandonment.
But the current law in WA still considers support contact?

I ask because of the gray and mushy wording bolded above, said mushiness indicating it's not yet law.
 

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