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plshelp99

Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Hello. I am a mom and I hope that is okay with all of you guys.
I live in NY and currently have NO court orders in place for custody,visitation and child support. I am also still married. I do have a court date for visitation in October.

I need help handling the situation that I am in.

I left my husband in April of 2013 and I took my child (Daughter, 7) with me. We live in my parents home. He moved in with his father. My husband was never very involved with caring for our child; he'd play with her, but that was about it.

I left because he has serious mental issues. He stopped taking medication back in 2011 and it was like living on a roller coaster. It became unsafe and I had to leave because of that.

I had a lawyer draft a separation agreement in which I had full legal and physical custody and he had 'reasonable visitations.' The reason for this is because he told me when we discussed separating that he 'didn't want to be held to a schedule.' I gave him the agreement and he refused to sign, so it's meaningless, but I tried.

He does see her about once a week on average. He calls her almost every single night and they do speak. Lately, however, she refuses to go anywhere with him. She says that she feels 'unsafe.'

Last week, she refused to go with him. She screamed and cried and dug her heels in. He grew impatient and picked her up and started walking down the block with her, but the screaming was too much so he brought her back.

Today, they had plans to visit a relative of his. He decided to change these plans (as he often does) in the morning. I didn't tell my daughter that the plans had changed. When she saw that he was there, she started screaming and crying that she didn't want to go. She was very loud. She was standing on my stoop and he just picked her up and threw her in the car and the person driving drove off with her screaming.

I called him about 10 minutes later to see if she was okay, but he hung up on me. Then I called 5 minutes after that and he told me that I couldn't speak to her until she got to her destination. About 45 minutes later she called and said she was okay.

When she got home, she was very upset and shaken up from the whole experience.

What is the best way to handle this? She is in therapy right now but he isn't making an effort to be involved and we are no longer at a point where we can effectively communicate. Do I just leave it to the courts? He has a history of terrible judgment with our child on their outings and she has always been nervous going places with him, even when we were together. Any advice will be helpful and I'll be glad to give more information if necessary.
Thanks
 


single317dad

Senior Member
If you can prove that Dad's mental health condition is indeed serious and that he should be required to be under treatment in order to see his child, then a judge may order that.

Otherwise, you need to stop letting your 7-year-old child manipulate you. In my opinion, knowing as little as I do about this case, I believe Dad did the right thing by ignoring her tantrum.
 

plshelp99

Member
If you can prove that Dad's mental health condition is indeed serious and that he should be required to be under treatment in order to see his child, then a judge may order that.

Otherwise, you need to stop letting your 7-year-old child manipulate you. In my opinion, knowing as little as I do about this case, I believe Dad did the right thing by ignoring her tantrum.
I suppose I could prove the mental health aspect because he's been hospitalized a few times over the past year.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
I suppose I could prove the mental health aspect because he's been hospitalized a few times over the past year.


It's not easy getting hold of someone else's medical records.

It's even more difficult getting hold of their psych records.

How do you intend to go about that, and what time-frame are we talking about? Was the child ever harmed because of his issues?
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
I suppose I could prove the mental health aspect because he's been hospitalized a few times over the past year.
Harder than you think. Much harder.

HIPAA: http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/hipaa/faq/right_to_access_medical_records/
http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/hipaa/faq/disclosures_to_friends_and_family/index.html

And more. :cool:
 

single317dad

Senior Member
Many times, in an effort to prove they're not crazy, a pro se litigant will provide requested medical documentation of exactly how crazy they really are. That's just me musing a bit.

If Dad has a lawyer? Good luck. Episodes which directly affected the child or where a police officer could give testimony may be taken a little more seriously by the judge.
 
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plshelp99

Member
It's not easy getting hold of someone else's medical records.

It's even more difficult getting hold of their psych records.

How do you intend to go about that, and what time-frame are we talking about? Was the child ever harmed because of his issues?
My lawyer said that the court would obtain his records. I don't know how they were going to go about this. The visitation hearing is for October.

He has only done emotional damage to her because of his issues. She saw him in a catatonic state. It scared her very much. Otherwise, he just has very bad judgment that has put her in (what I would consider) some unsafe circumstances.
 

plshelp99

Member
Many times, in an effort to prove they're not crazy, a pro se litigant will provide requested medical documentation of exactly how crazy they really are. That's just me musing a bit.

If Dad has a lawyer? Good luck. Episodes which directly affected the child or where a police officer could give testimony may be taken a little more seriously by the judge.

Dad doesn't have a lawyer. I do. I called the cops once and I also have a complaint on file with the police dept because he tried to break into my house during one of his episodes.

He has been catatonic on his job as well. Could my lawyer possibly get information from his employer?
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
My lawyer said that the court would obtain his records. I don't know how they were going to go about this. The visitation hearing is for October.

He has only done emotional damage to her because of his issues. She saw him in a catatonic state. It scared her very much. Otherwise, he just has very bad judgment that has put her in (what I would consider) some unsafe circumstances.

If no harm has come, it may be pointless for your attorney to request the records (the court isn't going to do that themselves - your attorney would have to initiate things). The employer's words...well, does your employer know the difference between taking a nap, being catatonic and being so focused nobody can break through your concentration? See where I'm going with that? Is he going to testify on your behalf? What's he going to say when pushed to clarify? Has your attorney explained exactly how much this can cost?

Why isn't your attorney answering your questions?
 

plshelp99

Member
If no harm has come, it may be pointless for your attorney to request the records (the court isn't going to do that themselves - your attorney would have to initiate things). The employer's words...well, does your employer know the difference between taking a nap, being catatonic and being so focused nobody can break through your concentration? See where I'm going with that? Is he going to testify on your behalf? What's he going to say when pushed to clarify? Has your attorney explained exactly how much this can cost?

Why isn't your attorney answering your questions?
His employer fired him for this behavior. He works on a job that requires complete and absolute attention. He was acting erratic and his behavior could have cost a coworker his life. He installs and removes elevators for a living.

My attorney is on vacation and this particular incident happened today. I never thought about contacting the employer re his mental issues.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
His employer fired him for this behavior. He works on a job that requires complete and absolute attention. He was acting erratic and his behavior could have cost a coworker his life. He installs and removes elevators for a living.
If he was erratic, he wasn't catatonic. I'm not trying to pick, but credibility is important and in the space of a few lines you've said he's catatonic and erratic. They are two very, very different things and an attorney might very easily pick up on that and call your entire testimony into question.

My attorney is on vacation and this particular incident happened today. I never thought about contacting the employer re his mental issues.

What I'm seeing is an anxious parent (and that's normal!), and a small child who may be reacting to her parent's anxiety. Last week she played up and Dad brought her back to you - this week she tried the same move, and it didn't work.

Your attorney knows your case. We do not. You may want to wait for your attorney to get back to you.
 

Eekamouse

Senior Member
Are you sure you aren't coaching your kid? You left him because you felt "unsafe". She didn't want to go because she felt "unsafe".
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Guys...dad's been off his meds for a couple of years, hospitalized a couple of times in the last year, and fired from a job recently due to his behavior.

Do you ever admit that sometimes when it quacks like a duck it actually IS a duck? Yes, we do get anxious parents who blow things up in their minds to greater than what it really is, but this one sounds like there is a reasonable chance that its valid.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Guys...dad's been off his meds for a couple of years, hospitalized a couple of times in the last year, and fired from a job recently due to his behavior.

Do you ever admit that sometimes when it quacks like a duck it actually IS a duck? Yes, we do get anxious parents who blow things up in their minds to greater than what it really is, but this one sounds like there is a reasonable chance that its valid.
I dunno, LDi... I'm kinda on the fence on this one. While he does sound quackers (heh), I'm not convinced that he's a rabid duck who should have little/no/professionally supervised visitation. It would help (me, anyway) if Mom could specify what sort of unsafe decisions Dad has made wrt the child. There may be good reason the child is fearful, or thw child may be picking up on Mom's anxiety - it just isn't black or white in my mind with the current info.

I DO think Dad handled the most recent episode proprly - not giving in to the upset, not allowing Mom to prolong it/start it again with the two calls w/in 15 minutes, but having the child call once it was over and she was calm. That is actually pretty good parenting, IMO.
 
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