Can I do anything?

[Smife]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Pennsylvania

I don't know if this is the correct thread and if it isn't I apologize. Thank you in advance to those who offer legal advice.

About two years ago, I told my husband's children's mother that I was not able to have children to stop her from saying comments such as "go make your own family and leave my kids to me". Later on (a couple of months), in response to a fight she and my husband had, she posted that I couldn't have children on her facebook. When I confronted her, she deleted her post, gave an apology that I accepted, and I hoped that this was the end of it. Recently, my friend brought to my attention that she was referring to me as "a woman who can't have kids" to describe my husband and I keeping her from the kids (which is incorrect and has already been proven by my husband in court). I just want her to stop spreading that information. It is a sensitive subject as it is an ability I lost fairly recently (within the last five years). When she made the post on Facebook originally, I was told by the police that I could charge her. I didn't because of wanting to remain civil, but now that I found out she is still doing it, I wish I had done something. Is there anything I can do now or am I just stuck dealing with it?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Pennsylvania

I don't know if this is the correct thread and if it isn't I apologize. Thank you in advance to those who offer legal advice.

About two years ago, I told my husband's children's biological mother that I was not able to have children to stop her from saying comments such as "go make your own family and leave my kids to me". Later on (a couple of months), in response to a fight she and my husband had, she posted that I couldn't have children on her facebook. When I confronted her, she deleted her post, gave an apology that I accepted, and I hoped that this was the end of it. Recently, my friend brought to my attention that she was referring to me as "a woman who can't have kids" to describe my husband and I keeping her from the kids (which is incorrect and has already been proven by my husband in court). I just want her to stop spreading that information. It is a sensitive subject as it is an ability I lost fairly recently (within the last five years). When she made the post on Facebook originally, I was told by the police that I could charge her. I didn't because of wanting to remain civil, but now that I found out she is still doing it, I wish I had done something. Is there anything I can do now or am I just stuck dealing with it?

It is incredibly inappropriate for you to refer to her as the children's biological mother. She is their MOTHER. That is just as offensive as her repeating information about you not being able to have children. If you want her to stop saying offensive things about you, then it might be appropriate for you to stop saying offensive things about her.

 

[Smife]

It is incredibly inappropriate for you to refer to her as the children's biological mother. She is their MOTHER. That is just as offensive as her repeating information about you not being able to have children. If you want her to stop saying offensive things about you, then it might be appropriate for you to stop saying offensive things about her.

I'm sorry if you found it offensive that I said that. Considering that she refers to herself as their biological mother, I know that she doesn't find it offensive.

If you would like, I can edit my post.

 

[LdiJ]

I'm sorry if you found it offensive that I said that. Considering that she refers to herself as their biological mother, I know that she doesn't find it offensive.

If you would like, I can edit my post.

It appears that you already edited your post, and you missed my point entirely.

 

[Smife]

It appears that you already edited your post, and you missed my point entirely.

No. I didn't. However considering she herself has never been offended by the term while I and the police have told her not to post about my private medical conditions, I don't see how it's relevant. Especially I corrected the term YOU were offended by.

Or do you just not like me because I'm a stepmother?

EDIT no. I just reread it and I apologize. I understand your point. So because I was ignorant of that being an offensive term, then should I just deal?

 

[Smife]

It appears that you already edited your post, and you missed my point entirely.

And I do want to apologize again. I misread that completely as an attack when it wasn't. Sorry, 5:30 in the morning here is my only excuse.

 

[LdiJ]

No. I didn't. However considering she herself has never been offended by the term while I and the police have told her not to post about my private medical conditions, I don't see how it's relevant. Especially I corrected the term YOU were offended by.

Or do you just not like me because I'm a stepmother?

EDIT no. I just reread it and I apologize. I understand your point. So because I was ignorant of that being an offensive term, then should I just deal?

Its not that you should "just deal". It that it is a symptom of a possibly larger problem that has resulted in a hostile relationship between you and the children's mother, and maybe between the children's two parents as a result.

If a stepparent oversteps it tends to seriously offend the children's actual parent. Your husband would tend to like it that you overstep, which would also offend the children's mother. The children's mother in turn, would be offensive to you, and the hostilities would just escalate.

You are not the children's mother. If you act as though you are, you are overstepping. You are not respecting the parent/child relationship. Two symptoms of that are that you called her their biological mother (intimating that they had another mother) and mom's statement telling you to go "make your own family and leave my kids to me".

So, I am suggesting that rather that ratcheting up the hostilities by trying to get the law involved, is that you examine where you may have gone wrong in the situation, and see if changing some of your behavior helps solve the problem. It won't resolve things overnight, but over time, it very well could.

 

[Smife]

Its not that you should "just deal". It that it is a symptom of a possibly larger problem that has resulted in a hostile relationship between you and the children's mother, and maybe between the children's two parents as a result.

If a stepparent oversteps it tends to seriously offend the children's actual parent. Your husband would tend to like it that you overstep, which would also offend the children's mother. The children's mother in turn, would be offensive to you, and the hostilities would just escalate.

You are not the children's mother. If you act as though you are, you are overstepping. You are not respecting the parent/child relationship. Two symptoms of that are that you called her their biological mother (intimating that they had another mother) and mom's statement telling you to go "make your own family and leave my kids to me".

So, I am suggesting that rather that ratcheting up the hostilities by trying to get the law involved, is that you examine where you may have gone wrong in the situation, and see if changing some of your behavior helps solve the problem. It won't resolve things overnight, but over time, it very well could.

I understand where you're coming from, really I do. It's why I didn't have charges pressed against her the first time it happened. My husband has primary physical custody at the end of the day and I understand where this makes her more aggressive towards us. In the beginning, I took that advice. However it's been two years, I am the one she contacts when she wants to exercise her visitation rights because she would rather deal with me than him (including during the actual visitation). So there is open communication between us now and has been for a while.

But you're probably right. I should just deal with it and not even confront her for the sake of the kids. It's what I've done before and while it apparently makes no difference to her if I'm civil in her private life (where she spread this information), it matters to the kids how our relationship is.

Sorry. This is my one big sore point so it's a bit difficult to swallow.

 

[Just Blue]

I understand where you're coming from, really I do. It's why I didn't have charges pressed against her the first time it happened. My husband has primary physical custody at the end of the day and I understand where this makes her more aggressive towards us. In the beginning, I took that advice. However it's been two years, I am the one she contacts when she wants to exercise her visitation rights because she would rather deal with me than him (including during the actual visitation). So there is open communication between us now and has been for a while.

But you're probably right. I should just deal with it and not even confront her for the sake of the kids. It's what I've done before and while it apparently makes no difference to her if I'm civil in her private life (where she spread this information), it matters to the kids how our relationship is.

Sorry. This is my one big sore point so it's a bit difficult to swallow.

What law was broken that would result in possible "charges"? For the life of me I don't know of any law that makes being an insensitive jerk a crime. I think you were grossly misinformed by that Police Officer or, more likely, misunderstood what he said to you.

BTW: How did the ex find out about your infertility issues?

 

[cbg]

I understand where you're coming from, really I do. It's why I didn't have charges pressed against her the first time it happened.

A bigger reason is that there are no charges you could have pressed. You have not described anything for which you have any grounds to "press charges" against her at all.

 

[Smife]

I understand where you're coming from, really I do. It's why I didn't have charges pressed against her the first time it happened.

A bigger reason is that there are no charges you could have pressed. You have not described anything for which you have any grounds to "press charges" against her at all.

I stated that I was told this by a police officer. I understand if I was misinformed. The police officer stated that the way she was using my issues could be taken as defamation, but I know police officers aren't lawyers.

What law was broken that would result in possible "charges"? For the life of me I don't know of any law that makes being an insensitive jerk a crime. I think you were grossly misinformed by that Police Officer or, more likely, misunderstood what he said to you.

BTW: How did the ex find out about your infertility issues?

That is very possible that I was misinformed.

And I told her about two years ago to get her to stop such comments as "go make your own family". I do understand that I was handing her this ammunition against me but back then the diagnosis was fresher and I was more sensitive to it (which I admit I still am and probably always will be).

That she is saying this is a surprise for me because I thought we had a civil relationship and after the first time she did it, she has never used the information like she did (making comments to "make our own family").

Though as it stands I'm just going to have to let it go. Right now our relationship in regards to the kids is civil and I don't think I should stir the waters and bring hostility into it.

Thank you guys so much for taking your time for me. When i created this thread, i had just found out about it so I was very upset. I understand this is pretty "woe is me" and you have been very courteous to me.

 

[cbg]

Nothing she says directly to you is grounds for any kind of lawsuit. Nor is her voicing her opinion grounds of any kind of suit.

Now, if she'd made knowingly false statements about you to a third party AND as a result of those statements you'd suffered some form of legally recognized damages, THEN you might have some kind of legal claim. But that's not what happened.

So yes, either you were misinformed or you misunderstood what was being said. I suspect the latter, since even if you did have a valid claim, which you do not, the relief would be in a civil suit and not in your "pressing charges".

 

[CTU]

The best way to move on from this is to stop letting Mom rent so much space in your head (and for free, too!).

The best form of revenge is to live a good life yourself. Letting someone else have the satisfaction that they are getting to you is unwise. We get that it's not easy (it never is), but you have to raise your head beyond the ground. That's where you're looking, and you need to look in front of you instead.

 

[Smife]

The best way to move on from this is to stop letting Mom rent so much space in your head (and for free, too!).

The best form of revenge is to live a good life yourself. Letting someone else have the satisfaction that they are getting to you is unwise. We get that it's not easy (it never is), but you have to raise your head beyond the ground. That's where you're looking, and you need to look in front of you instead.

You just made me cry. Thank you so much for your kind words. I know I'm so sensitive to this because my ability to have kids was taken from me. I know I have to learn to not let it get to me for the sake of myself and their children.

I'm going to go dump my emotional baggage on my infertility forum where it belongs. But I just wanted to thank you so much for your kind words and to thank everyone else who has given me legal advice.

 

[LdiJ]

I stated that I was told this by a police officer. I understand if I was misinformed. The police officer stated that the way she was using my issues could be taken as defamation, but I know police officers aren't lawyers.

Just as an FYI: Defamation is not a criminal issue its a civil one. No one can be arrested for defaming someone. They can be sued for monetary damages if their defamation causes harm to the person, but they cannot be arrested. A police officer should not be expressing an opinion on a potential defamation case.