Visitation and feeling helpless

[deroyalist23]

I am in the state of Maryland.

Just background I am not with my daughters (She is 11 y/o) father. I got married back in 2016. I have established paternity child support etc back in 2010.

But in 2017 my daughter's father out of nowhere decided to take me to court for custody. He has not been present much if at all in my daughters life until I got married. We went to court. The courts made a visitation schedule for us. He gets her Friday evenings to Sunday evening every other week. They granted me physical custody. For him we share legal custody. The child support order made back in 2010 was not changed or anything (nor did I care about that). In the court case he said that I had denied him access to my daughter due to my marriage to my husband. There was never any proof that it occurred only speculation and that the fact that my husband is not a fan of him.

My husband has become even more vocal about the visitation the courts set up a couple years ago. I am not home during the times my daughters father is supposed to get her due to my work schedule. To avoid any confrontation or issues between the two men, I have my daughters father let me know when he's on the way or outside. I then communicate with my husband and he sends her outside.

My daughters father is sometimes very late picking her up and dropping her off. He does seldom communicate that he is running late etc. A month or so ago I told him that I need him to tell me more often when something happens etc. He so far has been doing that but inconsistently. My daughter has recently been more vocal about not liking to go with him. She states her reasons as she is bored, he doesn't interact with her, and that it is really awkward for her when it's just the two of them.

Recently, she has been injured when out with him last week to a swimming trip to a river. He wasn't aware that she was injured. When she came home, I noticed that she was limping and took her to her doctor. She had a contusion on her foot. She told me and the doctor that she was swimming and she noticed that it was getting too deep. She tried to get out of the river by using a rock. Instead she ended up hitting her foot on the rock. They gave her a cover for her foot. She still has it and now it is time for her to have a visit with her father again. After the doctors office, she let me know that she saw him smoking stuff that was not a cigarette. I was furious. He had a history of that back in high school.

I told him what happened. He felt bad about the situation. I did not mention the smoking. I told him that he has to be more aware of the situation. He also let me know that his mother's birthday is this weekend. I let him know that she is still in pain and if we could find a way to reschedule things. Next week will be my birthday as well. He is reluctant to switch and I feel trapped in this.

My questions are based on how my daughter has gotten injured can I deny him to pick her up this weekend? Can I go to the courts and get a change of custody or visitation? Do I even have a case? Does it matter that my daughter does not like going with him and does not feel comfortable at all? Would a judge listen to her tell them that? Any recommendations on this case.

 

[Zigner]

Your girl is playing you.

 

[Just Blue]

I am in the state of Maryland.

Just background I am not with my daughters (She is 11 y/o) father. I got married back in 2016. I have established paternity child support etc back in 2010.

But in 2017 my daughter's father out of nowhere decided to take me to court for custody. He has not been present much if at all in my daughters life until I got married. We went to court. The courts made a visitation schedule for us. He gets her Friday evenings to Sunday evening every other week. They granted me physical custody. For him we share legal custody. The child support order made back in 2010 was not changed or anything (nor did I care about that). In the court case he said that I had denied him access to my daughter due to my marriage to my husband. There was never any proof that it occurred only speculation and that the fact that my husband is not a fan of him.

My husband has become even more vocal about the visitation the courts set up a couple years ago. I am not home during the times my daughters father is supposed to get her due to my work schedule. To avoid any confrontation or issues between the two men, I have my daughters father let me know when he's on the way or outside. I then communicate with my husband and he sends her outside.

My daughters father is sometimes very late picking her up and dropping her off. He does seldom communicate that he is running late etc. A month or so ago I told him that I need him to tell me more often when something happens etc. He so far has been doing that but inconsistently. My daughter has recently been more vocal about not liking to go with him. She states her reasons as she is bored, he doesn't interact with her, and that it is really awkward for her when it's just the two of them.

Recently, she has been injured when out with him last week to a swimming trip to a river. He wasn't aware that she was injured. When she came home, I noticed that she was limping and took her to her doctor. She had a contusion on her foot. She told me and the doctor that she was swimming and she noticed that it was getting too deep. She tried to get out of the river by using a rock. Instead she ended up hitting her foot on the rock. They gave her a cover for her foot. She still has it and now it is time for her to have a visit with her father again. After the doctors office, she let me know that she saw him smoking stuff that was not a cigarette. I was furious. He had a history of that back in high school.

I told him what happened. He felt bad about the situation. I did not mention the smoking. I told him that he has to be more aware of the situation. He also let me know that his mother's birthday is this weekend. I let him know that she is still in pain and if we could find a way to reschedule things. Next week will be my birthday as well. He is reluctant to switch and I feel trapped in this.

My questions are based on how my daughter has gotten injured can I deny him to pick her up this weekend? Can I go to the courts and get a change of custody or visitation? Do I even have a case? Does it matter that my daughter does not like going with him and does not feel comfortable at all? Would a judge listen to her tell them that? Any recommendations on this case.

1. No.
2. Well. yeah, you could try. I doubt you will get what you want...you may even find that Dad get's more time.
3. No. But your ex does.
4. It matters and proves you are not doing your job as CP by facilitating the relationship between your child and her father. You should also have your daughter in therapy so she can learn coping skills and discuss her feelings with a professional.
5. A judge may listen to your daughter...more likely a GAL would be talking to her and evaluating both households.

I recommend you keep your husband totally out of your co-parenting relationship. Based on your post I gather he hates the ex and based on your daughters attitude, he doesn't hide his feelings from your daughter. This is something that can cause a change of custody. Do you want to become the EOW parent?

 

[deroyalist23]

1. No.
2. Well. yeah, you could try. I doubt you will get what you want...you may even find that Dad get's more time.
3. No. But your ex does.
4. It matters and proves you are not doing your job as CP by facilitating the relationship between your child and her father. You should also have your daughter in therapy so she can learn coping skills and discuss her feelings with a professional.
5. A judge may listen to your daughter...more likely a GAL would be talking to her and evaluating both households.

I recommend you keep your husband totally out of your co-parenting relationship. Based on your post I gather he hates the ex and based on your daughters attitude, he doesn't hide his feelings from your daughter. This is something that can cause a change of custody. Do you want to become the EOW parent?

Hey,
Thank you for your response.

I will meditate and talk to him about making sure she is ready to go this weekend and any medications she may need. It has indeed been difficult to get her to get along with him and I will take that into consideration. As for my husband, I will definitely keep him out of this.

As for the potential of my ex using drugs in front of her is there any recommendation? She had reported that to me herself.

 

[Zigner]

As for the potential of my ex using drugs in front of her is there any recommendation? She had reported that to me herself.

How do you know that he doesn't use it for medicinal reasons, per Maryland law?

You really need to encourage your child to spend time with her father. Being "bored" isn't a reason not to. Her (in essence) stubbing her toe and then not telling her dad isn't a reason not to. You really sound like you are trying to find any possible reason to limit dad's time with his daughter, and your daughter is picking up on that.

(Wanna know what my mom used to say to me when I said "I'm bored"? She'd tell me "Hi Bored, I'm Sarah, nice to meet you.")

 

[Ohiogal]

I am in the state of Maryland.

Just background I am not with my daughters (She is 11 y/o) father. I got married back in 2016. I have established paternity child support etc back in 2010.

But in 2017 my daughter's father out of nowhere decided to take me to court for custody. He has not been present much if at all in my daughters life until I got married. We went to court. The courts made a visitation schedule for us. He gets her Friday evenings to Sunday evening every other week. They granted me physical custody. For him we share legal custody. The child support order made back in 2010 was not changed or anything (nor did I care about that). In the court case he said that I had denied him access to my daughter due to my marriage to my husband. There was never any proof that it occurred only speculation and that the fact that my husband is not a fan of him.

My husband has become even more vocal about the visitation the courts set up a couple years ago. I am not home during the times my daughters father is supposed to get her due to my work schedule. To avoid any confrontation or issues between the two men, I have my daughters father let me know when he's on the way or outside. I then communicate with my husband and he sends her outside.

My daughters father is sometimes very late picking her up and dropping her off. He does seldom communicate that he is running late etc. A month or so ago I told him that I need him to tell me more often when something happens etc. He so far has been doing that but inconsistently. My daughter has recently been more vocal about not liking to go with him. She states her reasons as she is bored, he doesn't interact with her, and that it is really awkward for her when it's just the two of them.

Recently, she has been injured when out with him last week to a swimming trip to a river. He wasn't aware that she was injured. When she came home, I noticed that she was limping and took her to her doctor. She had a contusion on her foot. She told me and the doctor that she was swimming and she noticed that it was getting too deep. She tried to get out of the river by using a rock. Instead she ended up hitting her foot on the rock. They gave her a cover for her foot. She still has it and now it is time for her to have a visit with her father again. After the doctors office, she let me know that she saw him smoking stuff that was not a cigarette. I was furious. He had a history of that back in high school.

I told him what happened. He felt bad about the situation. I did not mention the smoking. I told him that he has to be more aware of the situation. He also let me know that his mother's birthday is this weekend. I let him know that she is still in pain and if we could find a way to reschedule things. Next week will be my birthday as well. He is reluctant to switch and I feel trapped in this.

My questions are based on how my daughter has gotten injured can I deny him to pick her up this weekend? Can I go to the courts and get a change of custody or visitation? Do I even have a case? Does it matter that my daughter does not like going with him and does not feel comfortable at all? Would a judge listen to her tell them that? Any recommendations on this case.

It was an accident. If your child gets a bruise or cut on your time, should you not be able to see her? Does your child go to school or other places that she may not want to go? Dad has a right to visitation. Your husband's opinion doesn't legally matter.

Marijuana is NOT a big deal. You lecturing dad makes you sound controlling. If you deprive dad you can be held in contempt.

 

[Just Blue]

Hey,
Thank you for your response.

I will meditate and talk to him about making sure she is ready to go this weekend and any medications she may need. It has indeed been difficult to get her to get along with him and I will take that into consideration. As for my husband, I will definitely keep him out of this.

As for the potential of my ex using drugs in front of her is there any recommendation? She had reported that to me herself.

You don't know that he was using drugs. You have the observation of a 11 year old child that she saw Dad "smoking something that wasn't a cig"...How can she know it wasn't a cigarette? It could have been a hand-rolled.

 

[deroyalist23]

How do you know that he doesn't use it for medicinal reasons, per Maryland law?

You really need to encourage your child to spend time with her father. Being "bored" isn't a reason not to. Her (in essence) stubbing her toe and then not telling her dad isn't a reason to. You really sound like you are trying to find any possible reason to limit dad's time with his daughter, and your daughter is picking up on that.

)Wanna know what my mom used to say to me when I said "I'm bored"? She'd tell me "Hi Bored, I'm Sarah, nice to meet you.")

I really just want her to be comfortable with her time with him and don't really know how else to coach him or her to do that. Hence, me feeling helpless. Her telling me the drug use puts me in a hard spot of how to address it.

As for the drug use, it's not medical. He has gotten into trouble for it in the past. I honestly, don't care about what he does in his free time but something like that I try to toe the line at.

I do encourage her to go. I tell her you got to go and you end up having fun. I also communicate with him about this and he has developed plans for her when she give him attitude. He tells me on the Sundays that he drops her that she usually gets over it. I don't know how else to help her with this or him.

 

[Just Blue]

How do you know that he doesn't use it for medicinal reasons, per Maryland law?

You really need to encourage your child to spend time with her father. Being "bored" isn't a reason not to. Her (in essence) stubbing her toe and then not telling her dad isn't a reason to. You really sound like you are trying to find any possible reason to limit dad's time with his daughter, and your daughter is picking up on that.

(Wanna know what my mom used to say to me when I said "I'm bored"? She'd tell me "Hi Bored, I'm Sarah, nice to meet you.")

lol...My Mother gave me an excessively tedious list of chores to do..An hour or two later, as I was weeding or raking or shoveling, she would ask me "Are you still bored, Dear?"

 

[Zigner]

I really just want her to be comfortable with her time with him and don't really know how else to coach him or her to do that. Hence, me feeling helpless.

By "helpless", you man "not in control". It is not your place to coach HIM at all.

As for the drug use, it's not medical. He has gotten into trouble for it in the past. I honestly, don't care about what he does in his free time but something like that I try to toe the line at.

He got in trouble in HIGH SCHOOL. Oh, and it wasn't such a big deal ~12 years ago when you slept with him and created a child.

I do encourage her to go. I tell her you got to go and you end up having fun. I also communicate with him about this and he has developed plans for her when she give him attitude. He tells me on the Sundays that he drops her that she usually gets over it. I don't know how else to help her with this or him.

By not trying to be involved.

 

[JypseeSoul]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's hard.

Regarding the contusion, this was an accident. One-off accidents are not a big deal in court, and you won't be looked favorably upon for taking him to court because of it. However, if there is a pattern of these injuries, you can and should go to court over it. Document it all first.

Regarding the drug use, without proof there is nothing you can do. In the meantime, document these things and if there is a pattern and harm comes to your daughter because of it, you should alert Child Protective Services. But you will need to have hard proof of it, and of a pattern of it.

I think encouraging her to go is great. If he is not interacting with her, that's his choice, sad as it is. You could always help your daughter find a new hobby that she can be doing while she is there. Almost like "library time" for something she can get done--writing, knitting, perfecting her soccer moves, etc. But it should never be phrased in a way that casts her father in a bad light.

Good luck and hugs!

 

[stealth2]

OMG! She got a bruise on her foot!!! Please.

If she's bored? Suggest she... Read a book. Do homework. Listen to music. Help Dad with chores. It's what I told my kids when they complained of being bored - here or at their Dad's.

 

[Just Blue]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's hard.

Oh, plaheese! It really isn't hard. OP needs to learn to co-parent. OP needs to keep her overbearing husband out of the co-parenting relationship. OP needs to learn what are appropriate reasons to take her child to the Doctor...hint, a bruised toe/foot doesn't require medical attention. And last, but not least, OP needs to stop treating her daughter like a snowflake.

If OP really wanted to be a caring and loving parent, she would suggest therapeutic counseling for Dad and child so they can get help with their relationship. Instead OP is here looking for ways to place barriers between father and daughter.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Oh, plaheese! It really isn't hard. OP needs to learn to co-parent. OP needs to keep her overbearing husband out of the co-parenting relationship. OP needs to learn what are appropriate reasons to take her child to the Doctor...hint, a bruised toe/foot doesn't require medical attention. And last, but not least, OP needs to stop treating her daughter like a snowflake.

If OP really wanted to be a caring and loving parent, she would suggest therapeutic counseling for Dad and child so they can get help with their relationship. Instead OP is here looking for ways to place barriers between father and daughter.

I think family therapy could also be useful for OP and her hubby.

If OP continues with her attitude, she really could end up losing parenting time.

 

[stealth2]

I found role-playing with my two helpful. If they thought their Dad would be upset about something, in particular. I also encouraged them to talk to him between time together to help him learn about their interests.