Dad with full custody need advice

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I am a single dad raising 3 kids. My youngest son is 4, my other son is 6 and my daughter is 7.

She left on June 7th 2004 to be with an internet boyfriend who lives 500 miles away (in another state). She and I were never married and I have a full custody order by the court. It was my attorney who thought that if we send her an agreed entry plea with no child support order, then she would be more likely to sign it and custody would be as easy as a signature... he was right it was that easy. She signed then mailed the papers and it was done.

Here is my dilemma... I so need help with the expenses. I am falling so far behind it is going to affect my currently good credit. The daycare bill alone is $1100.00.

She still lives there (500 miles away) and is living with a different man. She does not work. Her boyfriend does not work. They currently have illegal housing... They are living in a house that is paid for by the state because the state thinks that another party lives there who qualifies for free housing. They have been living there since Last September and the state has not caught on. In August of 2004 she worked for a month at Wal-Mart. She claims that she is going to come back in a few months. She says she is 2 months pregnant now and she claims she has applied for jobs and is going to have 2 jobs in a few weeks in addition to some work she does off the record on the internet (web design). Her boyfriend is a total dead beat from what I can tell.

She basically left all of us behind to be with a guy who is NOT and never really was in her life (he was married).

The man she is seeing now is 5 years younger then her (he is 22), and has a criminal record for assault. He was arrested for hitting his ex-girlfriend less then a year ago. He pleaded guilty and has done a few months in jail.

I have a criminal record too. It was 8 years ago and it was theft.

I know that the only reason she would try and get custody would be if she was slapped with a child support order or if I don't let her do certain things with the kids like spend the night with her and he boyfriend. I am sorry there is no freakin way I would let my kids stay the night in the same house as this man. so ultimatly I think she will try and get custody just to gain control so she can do what she wants to do when she wants to do it.

I don't know how well I will fair if she tries to get custody. She is the mom and I am the dad and that alone is still looked at in favor of the mother. The fact that she just abandoned her kids for an internet boyfriend in another state… I am not sure how that will impact the case.

I am thinking when she does come back the kids will have been with me for 12 months. I read that 12 months of custody is a positive factor for me. Also she had 2 kids before I met her and she gave them up for adoption when they were 12 months and 2 years old. I am not sure that will play a roll in my favor. Further more, she tried to commit suicide this last November and she had to go to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. She sent me all types of suicide email saying things like “By the time you read this I will be dead”. She has not been treated for depression at all since that time.

She has only spoken to our kids via phone 5 times in 10 months. She didn't call on their birthdays and has not sent anything to them at all not even on Christmas. At one time she had a $600.00 tax refund and she didn't even send them anything. I am not sure how she could have gotten that much back with her not working… I am just going by what she said in her email.

So what do you think? Should I file an IWO with the court? (Go after child support) or do you think this is like a bees nest ...best left alone how it is?

If she has no income I know she can be made to pay, but how many months or how much defile on her part to the court must take place? I have read where she can be made to pay, but let’s be completely honest.... My attorney in the past told me because the Department of Job and Family Services is ran by women they just don't take a man seriously seeking child support.

So, will the court take seeking child support from a 2 month pregnant women who has not worked in 8 months seriously?

To add... I know it might cost $2000.00+ for her to retain an attorney to try and get custody, but I know that her mom (who lives in Nevada 2400 miles away) would help, so it is possible for her to file. So let me break it down.

Positive factors for me:

I have a full custody order now.
Kids have been with me 12 months.
She has no job and is basically stealing another’s welfare illegally.
I have worked at the same job 4 years.
She abandoned her kids (left the state) for another man.
She had 2 kids before I met her and she gave them up for adoption when they were 12 months and 2 years old.

She has had little contact (via phone) and has not contributed a red cent or toys since before June of 2004.

Her new live in boyfriend and the father of her unborn child has a criminal record for assault beating on his ex-girlfriend.
I have a house I own and have currently no live in girlfriend.

My not positive factors:

I have a criminal record for stealing 8 years ago.

What would you do if you were me. ???

Thank you !

Let me make sure I understand this correctly - you have a court signed custody order, granting you custody (what about visitation?) and no suppot order, and the kids have been living with you for approximately 9 mos - is that right?

It may sound sneaky and low, but I would file for state assistance for what ever you may need help with, especially the daycare. Then the state will go after the childsupport and you can say "I didn't file for CS the state did". If you need help then you need help. No shame in that. I have a hard enough time raising 1 child by myself...I couldn't imagine 3. As for the being preg thing; If she can't help take care of the 3 she has she doesn't need anymore. And that is how the court will see it.

1) file for a modification of child support. Even with the signed paperwork you still might be able to do this since the children now need daycare.
2) The next day call the department that own the housing that she lives in and inform them that there is the wrong person living in the house.
I will be hard for her to claim that the kids are better off living with her when she has nowhere to live
3) If she wants visitation ask that it be supervised due to her BF's assult charges
4) the adoption thing might help
5) The courts do look at who has been the caregiver for the children up to this point.
6) With her not working you can request that the courts assign her an income of at least minimum wage. It is not a guarentee that she will then pay but if she goes into arrears then you will be getting her tax returns every year until she catches up on he arrears. This might also cause her to go get a job. If she is working, as soon as you find out, you need to inform the child support agency that she is working and not sending you the money for child support. they will then take it right out of her check.
7) Chances are that she IS working. How else would they eat or pay their bills?
8) I don't really think that your one bad thing (stealing) will hurt you with all that is against her.
9) the child support agency should and will help you reguardless of your gender. You just might have to push them a bit more because of it.

hi and thank you for responding...

This is exactly how the signed agreed entry reads on my copy:

This day this cause having come on before the Court upon the petition to establish paternity and Other related matters filed by (ME) and by agreement of the parties' Minor children (my kids) and it is therefore ORDERED that patitioner (ME) shall be granted custody of said minor children. IT IS FURTHER ORDERED that Respondenet/Mother shall be granted visitation as agreed upon by the patitioner.
IT IS FURTHER ORDERED that neither party shall pay child support.
IT IS FURTHER ORDERED that Petitioner shall be entitled to claim the said minor children as income tax deductions.
IT IS FURTHER ORDEDED that petitioner is responsible for maintaining health insurance coverage on the parties minor children and that any medical expenses not covered by the insurance shall be the responsiblitity of petitioner.

So in a nut shell I have full custody and I decide when visitation is.
I have no child support order. It was the attorney who though that we could do the child support later. We were just trying to get her to sign it so I could register my children in school. here in ohio you must have court ordered custody in order to enroll children in school.

I have been paying 1100-1300 (varies) every month is daycare and then another 755 a month morgage and so many other expenses. But I would gladly pay 100 times that much to make sure they stay safe with me.

I hired the attorney at first to keep her from leaving with our children. She was going to move 500 miles away with my kids with no place to live, no money and no job. Then suddenly when the kids were with me one night she never came over to pick them up. I later that day got a call from Virginia from her saying she lived there now, good bye have a nice life. Yes, very Bazaar I know. She was so completely in love with this guy she left for. Enough to leave her kids behind...

So my delimia. leave well enough alone or file for support??? To recap:
I am afraid she will come back and try and get custody if I file for support. If she gets hit with a court order for $600-$1100 a month she will want to turn it around on me I KNOW. She will see it as a way to pay her bills while she sits on her butt. (sorry... tring to word it nice but its hard).

She does not work and has not worked since Aug. She is living off someone elses wellfair and is 2 months prego living with a guy who has not had a job since Aug or Sep who has a criminal record for beating his last girlfriend.
I was stupid 8 years ago and also have a record. It was shoplifting non-violence. If she moves back it will be with him. I do not want my kids around this guy. When her and I start butting heads she may try and get custody anyway.
Please advise ....


Thank YOU !

misslawli said:

It may sound sneaky and low, but I would file for state assistance for what ever you may need help with, especially the daycare. Then the state will go after the childsupport and you can say "I didn't file for CS the state did". If you need help then you need help. No shame in that. I have a hard enough time raising 1 child by myself...I couldn't imagine 3. As for the being preg thing; If she can't help take care of the 3 she has she doesn't need anymore. And that is how the court will see it.

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I tried the daycare assistance but I didn't qualify ( I make too much a month)

Jillian483 said:

1)
9) the child support agency should and will help you reguardless of your gender. You just might have to push them a bit more because of it.

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My nextdoor neighbor filed with the child support agency and with in 3 weeks she was already getting checks in the mail. It took 5 weeks for me to just get a responce from the agency after I filed the paper work in there office. I gave up 3 months later. after 3 trips and 2 form letters and a letter to establish paternity for me (Paternity had already be established and ordered by the court).

It was all a big joke it seemed.

Yeah but from what I understand you can go back and have the child support changed. Court orders for this kind of stuff are not written in stone, they can be modified if either party wishes to do so.

backwardsrain said:

My nextdoor neighbor filed with the child support agency and with in 3 weeks she was already getting checks in the mail. It took 5 weeks for me to just get a responce from the agency after I filed the paper work in there office. I gave up 3 months later. after 3 trips and 2 form letters and a letter to establish paternity for me (Paternity had already be established and ordered by the court).

It was all a big joke it seemed.

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Yeah whereas my husband pays child support and they hound him all the time for it. The vitch was getting 500 a month when they had the same income and the same parenting time. The child support was to go towards child care when she was not sending them. She told the courts that if my husband needed daycare then she should be the one to provide it since she does not work (she claims that she doesn't work so that she can spend more time with the kids... So what the father has to work more now all the while you make a closer bond with the children because he has to work? Oh well) The courts told my husband that he had to pay child care to her at 500 dollars a month. (just for the record we had a friend that ran a daycare and allowed the kids to go for free.) So I guess my point here is I don't really know how much it will help but it might just be worth trying. You can get daycare assistance. Go to Barnes and nobles and get that book by Lesko (free government money or something like that. you don't have to buy it just skim through it there and get the info you need) I have skimmed through the book and I am pretty sure there are places that you can get the assistance and they are listed by states.

Jillian483 said:

Yeah but from what I understand you can go back and have the child support changed. Court orders for this kind of stuff are not written in stone, they can be modified if either party wishes to do so.

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I know I can go back and have child support ordered based on her previous wage (8.45 and hour at wal-mart) (That is what the attorney told me). But, What I am tring to weigh is, Am I going to open up pandoras box? meaning....her decide that she wants custody.

I will try and be nice when I say this.... She loves the kids I know...but she does not want to be a mom. She doesn't want to deal with them and that is sad I know. Her mother told me that she said "she is just going to let me raise the kids from now on". She said "she is going to have a new baby soon and this is her chance to wipe the slate clean and start over".

I know that she will want them back if it means that she will collect 1000 bucks a month from me in child support. So in saying that... She has no income. She lives out of state. I know the court here can get mad enough to prosecute, but realisticly I am never going to see a dime am I ?

I tried the daycare assistance but I didn't qualify ( I make too much a month)
Well that sucks!!!! I have the same problem I on average make $30 a month to much.
It was worth a try. You have custody. Are the kids doing ok in school?? It would take a significant change in circumstances to change custody. There are no guarentees. But it is worth a shot. I think it would be worth filing.

Keep in mind that this is JMO!

I am going through a Custody Mod right now... I have opened up "Pandora's Box" fully and am regretting it to some degree.

Even if you take her back to court for CS... say they order her to pay on her old wage... do you think she is going to pay it? She hasn't tried to visit your 3 children for how long? Yes, it will be documented that she is required to pay... yes, she will go into arrearages...yes, she may have her driver's license suspended and serve some jail time but in the end you will be lucky to get a dime from her.

Do you have family support where maybe one of your family members can help in child care so you don't have to pay full tuition? I'm just trying to suggest some different avenues then Pandora's Box.

backwardsrain said:

I know I can go back and have child support ordered based on her previous wage (8.45 and hour at wal-mart) (That is what the attorney told me). But, What I am tring to weigh is, Am I going to open up pandoras box? meaning....her decide that she wants custody.

I will try and be nice when I say this.... She loves the kids I know...but she does not want to be a mom. She doesn't want to deal with them and that is sad I know. Her mother told me that she said "she is just going to let me raise the kids from now on". She said "she is going to have a new baby soon and this is her chance to wipe the slate clean and start over".

I know that she will want them back if it means that she will collect 1000 bucks a month from me in child support. So in saying that... She has no income. She lives out of state. I know the court here can get mad enough to prosecute, but realisticly I am never going to see a dime am I ?

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If you tell the judge the same thing that you posted in your original post she probably won't get custody. you never know if you will get a mother biased judge though. It is a risk you might have to take. you probably won't see any money throughout the year but you will get her tax returns. If she doesn't pay she can go to jail.

Hi,,

I feel that all the replies you have received are genuinely supportive. The only problem here is most replies compare to the poster's experiences and unfortunately most all would not help you because of the state laws. I feel that you know that the mother of your children would not provide child support because she has mastered the 'dodge' of the system in gaining assistance
she is not entitled to. To me, I feel that you should keep your children safe with you as you know firsthand what this woman has done to you and the children and what she is capable of. You asked if you should leave well enough alone basically as to not open the 'pandora's box'... I think you know in your heart that is exactly right, don't even try. If you're lucky she will work at some time and you will hopefully receive her fed taxes, unfortunately with her track record, that's about it. If you choose to pursue
a lawyer, the money you would pay just in retainer fees would far exceed any gain to minutely cover your day to day costs for your children. If it has been a year that she abandoned you and the children, the most I would do is use Child Support Enforcement a free state by state program to put you
in 'the pot' for possible wage withholdings. Good luck to YOU~

misslawli said:

I tried the daycare assistance but I didn't qualify ( I make too much a month)
Well that sucks!!!! I have the same problem I on average make $30 a month to much.
It was worth a try. You have custody. Are the kids doing ok in school?? It would take a significant change in circumstances to change custody. There are no guarentees. But it is worth a shot. I think it would be worth filing.

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Would her moving back to Ohio be significant enough to warrant a change in custody?