Can't find my GAL thread...

CJane · Oct 5, 2005

What is the name of your state? MO

Had my appointment with the GAL yesterday, and it went fabulously. Yes, I know she hasn't met with him yet, or heard his side of the story, but she told me that she's never been more confused by any case in her entire life. I told her all of his allegations of neglect (she doesn't have copies of the papers yet) and we went through them one by one, with me explaining what I *think* the ex is alleging, and she never got less confused.

We talked about religion, and she said "This is America, and you're not required to be Christian."

We talked about my fiance, and the fact that the ex thinks that he's an "improper person to care for the children". But, as I know nothing else specific about WHY he feels that way, we simply went over who my fiance is, his employment history, whether or not he's got an arrest record, etc.

I told her about the moving thing - explained that I'm now 35-40 minutes from the school, as opposed to 25-30. She said "The kids are in the **** school district, correct?" When I confirmed her information, she said "There are plenty of parents who live IN that school district who would give their right arm to only be 40 minutes from the schools."

Sooo.... she's going to meet with the ex, and then schedule a home visit at my house with the kids, and at his house with the kids, and then sit in on my deposition on the 19th, and then make her determination. But, as of right now, she said that she just doesn't see ANYTHING AT ALL that would justify his request for such a dramatic change in custody. In fact, she said "He better have good solid proof of these allegations, I don't take frivolous accusations lightly, and I find it hard to believe that you were a stay at home mom for 5 years, he agreed -out of court- to you having the kids almost 60% of the time, and he oftentimes leaves town/the state for business, leaving the children in your care and yet, you're unfit and neglectful and should only have the kids 4 days a month." She really seemed angry.

*deep breath*

Now to prepare for the home visit - tips?

casa · Oct 5, 2005

CJane said:
What is the name of your state? MO

Had my appointment with the GAL yesterday, and it went fabulously. Yes, I know she hasn't met with him yet, or heard his side of the story, but she told me that she's never been more confused by any case in her entire life. I told her all of his allegations of neglect (she doesn't have copies of the papers yet) and we went through them one by one, with me explaining what I *think* the ex is alleging, and she never got less confused.

We talked about religion, and she said "This is America, and you're not required to be Christian."

We talked about my fiance, and the fact that the ex thinks that he's an "improper person to care for the children". But, as I know nothing else specific about WHY he feels that way, we simply went over who my fiance is, his employment history, whether or not he's got an arrest record, etc.

I told her about the moving thing - explained that I'm now 35-40 minutes from the school, as opposed to 25-30. She said "The kids are in the **** school district, correct?" When I confirmed her information, she said "There are plenty of parents who live IN that school district who would give their right arm to only be 40 minutes from the schools."

Sooo.... she's going to meet with the ex, and then schedule a home visit at my house with the kids, and at his house with the kids, and then sit in on my deposition on the 19th, and then make her determination. But, as of right now, she said that she just doesn't see ANYTHING AT ALL that would justify his request for such a dramatic change in custody. In fact, she said "He better have good solid proof of these allegations, I don't take frivolous accusations lightly, and I find it hard to believe that you were a stay at home mom for 5 years, he agreed -out of court- to you having the kids almost 60% of the time, and he oftentimes leaves town/the state for business, leaving the children in your care and yet, you're unfit and neglectful and should only have the kids 4 days a month." She really seemed angry.

*deep breath*

Now to prepare for the home visit - tips?

There are tips on www.deltabravo.net for home visits.

In my own case- and others I've observed, they encourage you to be as 'normal' as possible in terms of your daily routine with the children. Faking or 'staging' is not in anyone's best interest. Basically they will observe your interractions with the children (and the Xs) and observe their surroundings/home etc.

It is true that frivolous allegations from the X will only hurt his case- this was very pertinent in my own case and resulted in nuttyX receiving strong words from the judge and denial of his request for change in custody.

Good Luck

CJane · Oct 5, 2005

casa said:
There are tips on www.deltabravo.net for home visits.

In my own case- and others I've observed, they encourage you to be as 'normal' as possible in terms of your daily routine with the children. Faking or 'staging' is not in anyone's best interest. Basically they will observe your interractions with the children (and the Xs) and observe their surroundings/home etc.

It is true that frivolous allegations from the X will only hurt his case- this was very pertinent in my own case and resulted in nuttyX receiving strong words from the judge and denial of his request for change in custody.

Good Luck

Yeah, I'm not so much interested in 'faking or staging' anything - what she told me is "I'll talk to the kids about why I'm there, who I am, why the judge has 'hired me', and then we'll talk about telling the truth and honesty and stuff, and then we'll excuse you from the room and I'll talk to the kids."

So, it didn't sound like I was really going to be involved in the least. She DID request that everyone who lives in the household be present, but I informed her that my boyfriend may not be able to be present as he's currently working 4 1/2 hours away, and only home 1 evening each week (gets home about 8pm, and leaves the next afternoon to head back). She didn't seem terribly concerned, and just said that she'd wait and see if she wanted to meet with him at another time, but mostly she wants the people there so she can observe dynamics. Is it going to work against me strongly if he's working out of town?

Something else we talked about...

I told her that we're having our court ordered quarterly parenting meeting on Thursday evening, and that I had requested that it only be the ex who is present (just the kids actual parents making parenting decisions), and if she thought that was acceptable. She said that it was more than acceptable, that steps shouldn't really be involved in stuff like that unless ordered, and then she requested that I email her after the meeting to let her know how it went and also what the ex's behavior was like. What, exactly, is she wanting to know here?

LdiJ · Oct 5, 2005

CJane said:
I told her that we're having our court ordered quarterly parenting meeting on Thursday evening, and that I had requested that it only be the ex who is present (just the kids actual parents making parenting decisions), and if she thought that was acceptable. She said that it was more than acceptable, that steps shouldn't really be involved in stuff like that unless ordered, and then she requested that I email her after the meeting to let her know how it went and also what the ex's behavior was like. What, exactly, is she wanting to know here?

I think she honestly just wants to know how it goes. Don't go overboard about reading ulterior motives into things. It will just drive you nuts.

CJane · Oct 5, 2005

LdiJ said:
I think she honestly just wants to know how it goes. Don't go overboard about reading ulterior motives into things. It will just drive you nuts.

It's my downfall.

I guess I'm caught between the 'don't bash the ex' and 'tell me about his behavior'. When she asked me yesterday how I feel about his wife, my reply was "She appears to be good to the kids, and they appear to enjoy time spent with her. As long as those two things are true, I have no further interest in her." When she asked how I feel about the ex, I said "It's not a secret that neither of us likes each other very much, but we communicate well when it pertains to the kids, and I make every effort not to let my personal feelings for him affect in any way his relationship with the kids." That was as 'non-bashing' as I could get.

If I'm to report on his behavior, I should probably just be saying "he was on time, we discussed X, and came to Y conclusions"? I'm supposed to receive an agenda from the ex today, outlining what he wants to discuss. Should I attach that to the email to the GAL?

Also, I'm compiling a list of friends/acquaintances/teachers/coaches/etc. Should I submit that to her via email now, or wait til it's requested? So far, all she's asked for is the names of soccer coaches and school counselors "If I remember what the names are."

casa · Oct 5, 2005

CJane said:
Yeah, I'm not so much interested in 'faking or staging' anything - what she told me is "I'll talk to the kids about why I'm there, who I am, why the judge has 'hired me', and then we'll talk about telling the truth and honesty and stuff, and then we'll excuse you from the room and I'll talk to the kids."

So, it didn't sound like I was really going to be involved in the least. She DID request that everyone who lives in the household be present, but I informed her that my boyfriend may not be able to be present as he's currently working 4 1/2 hours away, and only home 1 evening each week (gets home about 8pm, and leaves the next afternoon to head back). She didn't seem terribly concerned, and just said that she'd wait and see if she wanted to meet with him at another time, but mostly she wants the people there so she can observe dynamics. Is it going to work against me strongly if he's working out of town?

Something else we talked about...

I told her that we're having our court ordered quarterly parenting meeting on Thursday evening, and that I had requested that it only be the ex who is present (just the kids actual parents making parenting decisions), and if she thought that was acceptable. She said that it was more than acceptable, that steps shouldn't really be involved in stuff like that unless ordered, and then she requested that I email her after the meeting to let her know how it went and also what the ex's behavior was like. What, exactly, is she wanting to know here?

She's just keeping abreast of any changes/issues going on pending the custody hearing. Finding out what issues you guys are having and how they are settled &/or if you are able to effectively co-parent. Determining how you both approach the best interest of your child.

If she thinks your b/f is relevant- she can schedule a meeting with him when he is in town at a future date.

LdiJ · Oct 5, 2005

CJane said:
It's my downfall.

I guess I'm caught between the 'don't bash the ex' and 'tell me about his behavior'. When she asked me yesterday how I feel about his wife, my reply was "She appears to be good to the kids, and they appear to enjoy time spent with her. As long as those two things are true, I have no further interest in her." When she asked how I feel about the ex, I said "It's not a secret that neither of us likes each other very much, but we communicate well when it pertains to the kids, and I make every effort not to let my personal feelings for him affect in any way his relationship with the kids." That was as 'non-bashing' as I could get.

If I'm to report on his behavior, I should probably just be saying "he was on time, we discussed X, and came to Y conclusions"? I'm supposed to receive an agenda from the ex today, outlining what he wants to discuss. Should I attach that to the email to the GAL?

Also, I'm compiling a list of friends/acquaintances/teachers/coaches/etc. Should I submit that to her via email now, or wait til it's requested? So far, all she's asked for is the names of soccer coaches and school counselors "If I remember what the names are."

Wait until you have the meeting...then, if you are uncertain what to tell her, tell us exactly what happened and ask our opinion then.

If you haven't already given her the name of the soccer coach and the school counselor, then include that information in the email about the parent meeting. Otherwise, wait until she asks for more information.

casa · Oct 5, 2005

CJane said:
It's my downfall.

I guess I'm caught between the 'don't bash the ex' and 'tell me about his behavior'. When she asked me yesterday how I feel about his wife, my reply was "She appears to be good to the kids, and they appear to enjoy time spent with her. As long as those two things are true, I have no further interest in her." When she asked how I feel about the ex, I said "It's not a secret that neither of us likes each other very much, but we communicate well when it pertains to the kids, and I make every effort not to let my personal feelings for him affect in any way his relationship with the kids." That was as 'non-bashing' as I could get.

If I'm to report on his behavior, I should probably just be saying "he was on time, we discussed X, and came to Y conclusions"? I'm supposed to receive an agenda from the ex today, outlining what he wants to discuss. Should I attach that to the email to the GAL?

Also, I'm compiling a list of friends/acquaintances/teachers/coaches/etc. Should I submit that to her via email now, or wait til it's requested? So far, all she's asked for is the names of soccer coaches and school counselors "If I remember what the names are."

You should provide the things she asks for and wait to see if she wants anything else. She's already asking for contact info. for the coaches and counselors~ and any affidavits/declarations from famly or friends can already be a part of the court file- but tend to not hold too much weight. Obviously your friends & family will likely say good things about you & vice-versa his about him. The relevant information will come from teachers, counselors, coaches, Dr.s etc.

I'd provide her with X's agenda list and one of your own as well. She will simply want to know: What you both want, Why you want it, How you are willing to go about it & whether or not you, he or both of you were able to agree or compromise.

Can't find my GAL thread...

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CJane

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CJane

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LdiJ

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