Future - Baby Mama Drama

What is the name of your state? New York

I am a new father. Myself and my girlfriend do not
live together. Our child currently lives with her and
her parents.

Though there are no major issues right now I would
like information or resources on my rights as a father
in regards to custody of our child and what I can
start doing now to make a strong case for custody if ever
(god forbid) I would have to go to court and represent myself.

Also what does the law say about grand-parents gaining
custody of our child (her parents)?

Thanks In Advance,
Bacardi

One of the best resources would be www.deltabravo.net - it has a lot of info for Dad's in particular. Congratulations, and good luck!

http://www.deltabravo.net

Grandparents file for visitation in some states depending on their relationship the child and if they can prove it would be in the child's best interest. The can't file for custody but can file for guardianship if they can prove you both unfit or unavailable for the child.

Good luck and start documenting.

Your best bet is to go to www.deltabravo.net/custody/ and read everything you can, keep coming here, start talking to lawyers and consider filing for at least joint custody and start support issues to be paid through your local child support enforcement agency. Has paternity been decided by you signing the birth certificate, by you signing an acknowledgement of paternity or by you taking a DNA test? This is important, because without any of these things, you may not have any rights.

Baby Mama Drama...

First off thanks for the advice i will definatly check out the www.deltabravo.net site.

I do not know how to reply to a single comment so i will mention who i am replying to.

To "momma_tiger": thanks for the advice and the link.

To "skyy": thanks for the fyi on grandparents that makes sence BUT what do you mean by start "documenting". i had a friend who went to court for child support but when he showed reciepts, of things he purchaced for the baby as proof he was there for his child the judge said "that is what you are supposed to do!!" so saving those receipts didn't do him much good. so when you say "document" what is it you are refering to?

To "VeronicaGia: Thanks for your advice BUT
1- i do not want to initiate the court visites. it is mainly for if I am called to court i just want to be able to defend myself.
2- my name is on the birth certificate (thank god) a friend of mine gave me that advice before. BUT... even though i have a copy of the birth cirtifacte i do not have a copy of the ss# can i get one or 1 is just given out? currently the mother has it.

Once again thanks ALL i will be checking out the site.
Bacardi

Why would you not want to initiate court visits? Sitting back and waiting on her to file for support does not make you look like a "responsible dad". Are you paying child support? Do you have visitation with the child? To spare you any future drama, you need to file for joint custody or at least visitation and have court ordered child support started.

And by documenting, she means, write down everything. Every check you give her needs to be clearly marked "Child Support". Everytime you visit, write it down. Everytime you call, write it down. Everytime she calls, write it down.

Best of luck to you.

You will have to request a copy of the SS card because you aren't married. Being listed on the birth certificate says she claims you to be the father, but unless you signed onto it, affidavit of paternity, DNA test or support order, you may look like some stranger walking off the street trying to get information on a child that might not be yours.

Also, if you go for some type of custody/visitation, it will prevent you from uphill battles with her later down the road when you want to see your child, take her to see your family, have a say in whether or not she can move out of state, find out how she's doing in school and a whole mess of other headaches.

(Have you read some of the previous posts?)

Good luck

Future - Baby Mama Drama --

To: 'aliyah's mom":
1-Initiating court visits... i don't want to because it is a little over a month since our child was born and i do not want to over react to things she has said. in a heated argument she said "we should just let the courts handle this!!!" now after she calmed down and we got a chance to talk i asked her why she said that and she replyed "because i was hurt by some of the things u did not do for me etc..."
so i don't want to go to the courts and start something that might do more harm than good. "FUTURE"-- baby mama drama is what i am trying to prevent.

2-i am not paying child support and i visit her monday, wed, fri,& sun.
i have purchaced cloths, baby food, and diapers. i also alternate weekly between food & diapers (the bulk sizes) Oh! and i do have the receipts though i have 2 sit down and organize them.

3-as far as documentation i have a better understanding...
Thanks for your advice...


To: "skyy"
1- ss card-- thanks i will
2 - affidavit of paternity -- i am sure i did but will double check.
3 - previous posts? - i have only read my posts... i scan through others but they do mainly with people that are already in the courts or "DRAMA" hahaha but i do scan through them.

if you see one that might be helpfull please let me know.

To: "reese77: (sent an email)
Thanks i like your advice on finding out what would be the cost of child support in my state and start sending that!!!!
that is some of the advice i am looking for. thanks

Once again thanks ALL.
Bacardi

I must say this is really SAD that i am actually thinking about this stuff!!!!! what has happend to the "FAMILY" structure!!!! i guess it is the times we live in. HOW SAD!!!! but thanks once again for ALL YOUR ADVICES!!!

Bacardi

By not initiating court proceedings you could be doing more harm than good, IMO. You need to protect your right to be a part of your child's life. My personal opinion is that this is in the child's best interest to have a court order even if the parents are on friendly terms. Congrats on the new baby!

To "momself":
thanks i will strongly consider it. i just feel getting the "court system" into our life is a failure on our and or MY part to handle this private and personal situation. but like i said i will consider it.
Thanks again....
Bacardi

The problem with not getting all the t's crossed and i's dotted by going through the court system is that you are essentially emasculated. Any agreement the two of you come to is unenforceable. When she gets a new b/f, she can decide that she doesn't need you in babe's life. When you get a new g/f, and she doesn't like the woman, she can decide that you shouldn't take the babe with you.

On the other hand, depending on NY's laws, you may be able to take the babe and not bring him/her back to Mom.

Having a court order protects both of your rights, and provides a default position if you can't agree. Your choice, obviously, but it's almost always foolish to *not* take these things through the legal process.

If the baby is only one month old and you two have already had at least one heated arguement in which she threatened court, chances are it will happen again. And she will end up following through. Trust me, I've been there.

Maybe you could approach her in a friendly, non-threatening way and let her know that you are doing this not to hurt her, but for her benefit. That you are only trying to support your child according to the state guidelines. It would be best to get things spelled out while you two ARE on friendly terms. Once things get ugly, it turns into a long drawn out fight. She may be more open to things like joint custody and longer visitation for you now. Once she's pissed, she may try to cut you out.

Just a little advise from someone whose been there. Hope things work out for you.

I can't find some of the major posts I had in mind, but here are a few.

https://www.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=135488
=136466
=135139
see also acuseddad and AmeliaA

The reasons we're advising you on this is not because we think of you as failing in your relationship, but to prevent you from living some of the horror stories that we've gone through.

- There are so many cases of people paying support to the CP, then the CP goes to child support. The NCP has to pay child support plus arrears that don't exist!
- Who's last name does the child have? Yours? Hers? Hyphenated? When she gets married, are you going to have to fight the keep the child's name the same?
- What happens if she decides to apply for state aid?
- What happens when the child gets older and she won't give you information about school or doctor visits?
- What happens if you have a falling out? Will your family be cut off? If you have additional children, will they be able to see their sibling?

I could come up with more examples, but I don't want to seem pessimistic. While things could always work out for you, you want to get yourself together legally before anything happens or will be used against you.

(See the many posts of "no pay, no visit".)

What if she decides to move out of state? Or to another country?

All I can say to you is FILE. Do it ASAP. File for visitation and if you desire file for joint custody. I got a little lost in all the responses, did you have a paternity test? Has paternity been established? never wait for he to initiate.
In my experience- the mother does not have to establish visitation or custody. In most states, in MOST that I am aware of, custody is established by virtue of birth. I myslef have wanted to consult and file for visitation, but I was advised from an attorney that if I am complying with liberal visitation, I need not file. So please file for your children's sake!
Good Luck and God Bless!