11 years later I find out I have a daughter...now what?

[RSMBob]

What is the name of your state? CA (mom and daughter now live in UT)

12 years ago I dated a girl for six months. Despite trying to be careful, she
told me she got pregnant and when it happened she and her family cut off all
ties to me (long story) and access from me to her. She told me she had a miscarriage (she also had other health issues) and said we could not see or talk again because it was so hard. It was the most traumatic emotional ordeal I had ever gone through...well, until now. 2 weeks ago I get a phone call from her...she now lives in Utah (moved thre when the girl was < 1 year old)...and says that we have an 11-year old daughter together and the girl wants to know more about me. Once I picked my jaw up off the ground I was able to get some questions answered, but obviously MANY more remain.

Needless to say this has brought up such a wide range of emotions in me that
I'm not sure what to do next. Her mom says she's not after money or anything, just wants her to have the oppty to get to know me and my family. The mom sent me some pics of the girl and I sent her a letter and a couple of pictures, but I am wary of jumping in too far at this point. My ex-gf is also going through a divorce so I'm not sure what role that
plays in things with her or the girl (although she will likely get 100% custody since the husband never adopted her). I'm not 100% sure that the girl is my
daughter, but I believe it is likely. My name is not on the birth cert, and the girl was told at 6 years old that she had a different father who was "not ready" to be a dad at that time. I'll reserve my comment on that statement in this forum.

I am now married with 2 kids and my wife is being very supportive but I know she is hurting (she has rightfully vented a couple of times), and we have seen clergy at our church about this.

I don't know what I want out of this, but if I have a daughter who needs me as some part of her life, I don't want to deny her. Most importantly, I don't want to jeopardize my wife and kids in any way...financially or otherwise and I am concerned about potential entrapment of some type by my former gf. Given the lies and deception that led to this point, I have very strong negative emotional feelings towars my ex-gf (lying to me, falsifying the birth cert, child endangerment for not getting my medical records for the child, moving away, and more), but I want to go forward in a way that will give the girl what she wants and needs to the best of my ability.

I would appreciate any counsel/guidance/advice on what I need to do to move forward without jeopardizing myself or my family. Focusing on the past will not help anyone, but I want to do what is best in the present and future.

Note: Posting in this in more than one forum because it covers more than one topic.

 

[nextwife]

Do NOTHING until you verify parentage by a DNA test. Either she lied to you then, or she's lying to you now. Either way, she is proven to be a liar.

 

[mary wren]

11 Years Later Daughter

Request a DNA TEST BE DONE. FIRST WE called the Health DEPT in our county and they gave us a very reputation firm. I think it was in Ohio---my grandson in Alabama. COST 550.00 HE was 99.99% the father. He did this before going to court.He wanted his ammination already. (girl friend took him to court thru DHR) Be ahead of the game she plays if she is yours then God Bless you all

 

[king sol]

OR........................

Waste no more time! If this is your child, you should want to know.

If you heard, through the same channels, that you had "lost money" with the California State Controller.....wouldn't you do everything in your power and as quickly as possible, try to obtain your $$$$?

More of you "posters" should look at "lost children" in the same manner. Something of value!

But that's just me!

 

[stealth2]

Mary you are WRONG!! Did you not even read the OP's post??

OP, nextwife told you what to do -- NOTHING!

Uuuuuh - did YOU actually read nw's post? She hardly said to do nothing. She said to do nothing UNTIL VERIFYING PATERNITY. If this IS his child, then he seems to be a stand-up guy who wants to support her as he is able. I think that's rather commendable considering he's only just found out about this child.

 

[king sol]

WOW!!!

I agree with stealth I agree with stealth I agree with stealth​

 

[stealth2]

WOW!!!

I agree with stealth I agree with stealth I agree with stealth​

Most people eventually do - once Foamy talks some sense into them.

 

[topsidder]

DO NOTHING! And I will explain my recommendation. If you just wait, at the very least the very very very expensive DNA test will be on the State.

Just sit tight, do nothing! Let things take it's course. She contacted you for nothing more then money, 'cause if she wanted you to be part of your alledged daughte's life, you would have had contact with her from birth. Regardless of all the excuses she has come up with.

She has proven herself a liar. You have no reason to believe otherwise. It's HER MOVE. NOT YOURS!

 

[yugla]

You sound like an honest caring man. Even if you have the intention of helping, if this gets caught in the legal system and they see any sign of money they will take it and your child will not see the entire amount. If you pay an atty $10,000 how does that help ny one? I have read the replies prior and one common response is that your emotions may be strong now and this ex GF is a liar. I agree. I also agree say nothing, provide nothing freely, record your calls - check state statute on point to point calls if one party needs to announce they are recording - in fact just announce you are recording or place a noticable alert tone in. In short cover your ass, even if you intend to do what you know is morally correct the system will need to justify their existance and destroy you and your children. How can you help any one from behind bars? Good luck

 

[stealth2]

record your calls - check state statute on point to point calls if one party needs to announce they are recording - in fact just announce you are recording or place a noticable alert tone in.

However, this is not actually enough if one of the states is a two-party state (and one of them is). It requires CONSENT, not simply notice that the call is being recorded.

 

[the_nite_owl]

Tough situation

RSMBob, I am sorry to hear about your situation.

I cannot offer much in the way of advice but perhaps I can help with clarification.
You are in a situation that will impact your entire family. It is necessary that you protect yourself as best as you can. You seem to be someone that follows his heart (as am I) and this can lead you into some dangerous territory. I will not say avoid all contact as others here might but you do have to determine what you wish your roll to be if this child is truly yours.

I choose to not be as pessimistic as some and lean towards giving your ex-gf the benefit of the doubt as to her intentions. We know how different we are now than when we were so much younger. I regret many things from my past and would change them if I could but I am a different person today and try to live the best life I can. The situation when you were dating this girl was very different than the situation now and family involvement did not help.
Wrongs seem to have been perpetrated against you AND this child. This is all in the past however. If your ex-gf truly has bad intentions she has plenty of recourse through the course to pursue and the situation will clarify itself as you go. If on the other hand her intentions are supportive of her daughter's interests in knowing her father then the picture is very different.
You can choose to become part of this childs life or not. It is a hard thing to say at this point what is right or wrong. Only you can judge the stresses this will put on your marriage, self and family so the decision on how much involvement you want is an important one. This child was wronged by not knowing the truth about her father and you were wronged as well if she is indeed your daughter. This can NOT be changed though. If you concentrate on how wrong it was you will only get angrier and it will NOT lead you to a better place in any discussion you have with this woman or child. Accept please that the circumstances were different then and perhaps in some way this woman is trying to help make amends. People can rarely come right out and admit their mistakes especially when they have been so compounded as this one has. If you can approach this situation with acceptance and let go of the anger everyone will be the better for it.

That being said, it is IMPERATIVE that you protect yourself. It is important to know if the child is truly yours, especially before becoming involved with her in any way but by initiating a paternity test you can also be opening yourself up to legal action by this woman. I like to give the benefit of the doubt but by no means should you not be cautious. Whether to take a paternity test or not is a big step but might be necessary before having any contact with the child. If your ex-gf is cooperative and makes no moves against you legally and you truly believe the child is yours then decide how much involvement you want to have. If you want to pursue a relationship with the child and the mother is not looking for legal involvement perhaps she will be amenable to work something out for the two of you.
Secretly question her motives and find out anything and everything you can do to protect yourself legally/financially before proceeding but try to keep out of any battles with this woman if you can help it. Once things get rolling in court battles it becomes adversarial and each side just wants to win as much as they can rather than both sides trying to decide together what is right and just. If this little girl is really longing to know her father then the last thing you want is to get into long distance court battles. No matter how much they are supposed to be shielded the kids are always drawn into the matter and it will make things worse for her. The more amicable you can keep things with your ex-gf the better off all of you will be.

Good luck.