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16yo lying about severity of a fight, not coming home. Mom enabling.

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gryndor

Member
What is the name of your state? California

FYI, I'm using my wife's account.

Short version is that we have mom and dad (me) who are divorced, my new wife, 16-year-old son and 4-year-old son. The 16yo is under a 50/50 custody agreement between me and his mother, and 4yo is my son with my new wife. 16yo got caught red-handed smoking pot. 16yo and I got into a verbal fight that got really heated and resulted in trying to slap my 16yo. 16yo ran off and got mom and grandparents involved, and now 16yo is hiding at mom's house, maybe never to come back because he doesn't want to be held to account for lying, sneaking, manipulating, and in general being a suddenly typical rebellious teenager. Mom is enabling this saying I am abusing 16yo and he's too frightened to be in the same space as me, and they're all using my wife as a communication conduit because 16yo and mom are ignoring me. For the record, mom and new wife are friends, and we have all enjoyed a near-perfect co-parenting relationship for the last seven years up to this point.

Less than short, more details: I feel rather defeated because I recognize that I screwed up by slapping 16yo. I apologized genuinely for losing my temper and being caught in a fear-fueled moment of losing control of my son, who appears to be cartwheeling down a very dangerous path. I've decided to not overtly exercise my custody agreement up to this point, because I feel it's the lesser of the evils here, trying not to exacerbate the tension. I've also heard that the law is on the side of a 16yo child to decide where he lives.

16yo has a therapist, and if I believe mom (which I actually DON'T at this point), therapist is the person recommending that 16yo stays separated from me and our household. Therapist is also the one who called CPS and while nothing seems to have come of that, it makes no sense to me that there would be a claim of danger to one child (who is taller and stronger than I am since I broke my back) and no danger to a vulnerable 4yo.

Furthermore, if mom is so violated and concerned because I slapped 16yo and that's completely unacceptable unforgivable behavior, she's in no uncertain terms a hypocrite. Some years ago mom and 16yo (at the time he was 14ish) got into a heated argument that resulted in mom slapping 16yo. But no one ever separated her from our child or vilified her for her mistake. I don't see a difference between these two situations... only in how it's being handled in the aftermath.

Last night we found out that 16yo has told mom the following story, as she relayed it to my wife: “His dad hit him, put him in a headlock, brought him to the ground and hit him again. His dad! Because he had pot.” Not only am I incapable of doing this since crushing several vertebrae in my back many years ago and can still barely walk with the help of a cane, but my wife literally witnessed everything and has explained to 16yo's mom/my ex that this is 100% a complete lie. What I did was not the right thing to do, but it certainly was nothing like has been described.

Questions: So what on earth is the right thing to do here? I want to heal my family, and while that's more Dr. Phil than a legal question, should I be exercising the custody agreement? 16yo hasn't been home in three weeks and I understand that at a 6 month mark, custody can be changed as having established a new status-quo. I don't want that to happen. How do I overcome my 16yo lying through his teeth about the severity of the confrontation, from my bad decision, twisted into objectively abusive behavior? Mom will not believe anything but 16yo's account. Should I call a family meeting and have my wife give her eye-witness account and give my 16yo an opportunity to either come clean or try to pass off his horrific story about a headlock and being punched, all stated in front of eye-witness wife, mom, and grandparents (who are acting as mediators)?

My wife saw the slap, 16yo (not knowing wife saw it all) told wife later that evening he got hit in the face and then knocked in the back of the head, grandpa heard that 16yo was punched, mom and therapist heard the final quoted story about a headlock, being taken to the ground while being punched multiple times.

What can I do to protect my family and how can I avoid action or inaction from making things worse?
 


LdiJ

Senior Member
Dad, in my opinion the best thing to do would be to insist on joint counseling with your son, with his current therapist. I do believe mom that the therapist suggested keeping the child away from you, because that is the sort of thing that therapists suggest when there has been a physical altercation. Once the therapist sees that you are not a typical abuser, but just lost your head for a moment in fear and anger, she/he may be of help to resolve the relationship between you and your son.

If that doesn't work then it might be time for a trip to court, but I am always leery of doing that when you have an older teen. Yes, you may get them back in your home easier and quicker, but it may ruin your eventual adult relationship with the child. The last thing you want him to do is walk out of your home the day he turns 18, never to return.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I'm going to disagree on the trip to court, At this point, you are voluntarily not exercising your time. That should be your first step. In conjunction with counseling with your son.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
I'm going to disagree on the trip to court, At this point, you are voluntarily not exercising your time. That should be your first step. In conjunction with counseling with your son.
How is dad going to do that if son refuses and mom enables? I really do think that the counselling has to happen first. If son admits that things were not as bad as he initially described and dad shows true remorse (which I think its obvious he feels) for hitting son, that may change the entire nature of things.
 

gryndor

Member
stealth2, are you saying no court and yes exercise custody order, or that I do need to go to court as my next step?
 

gryndor

Member
LdiJ - I have a meeting on Monday with the therapist. My son is refusing anything to do with being in the same room as me. Hopefully, some progress can be made at that meeting on Monday... each step feels like it’s an eternity. My parents are setting up a family meeting tomorrow afternoon. I’m hoping the truth comes out then. When we can address what actually happened, I think we might be able to make some positive progress. I miss my son.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
LdiJ - I have a meeting on Monday with the therapist. My son is refusing anything to do with being in the same room as me. Hopefully, some progress can be made at that meeting on Monday... each step feels like it’s an eternity. My parents are setting up a family meeting tomorrow afternoon. I’m hoping the truth comes out then. When we can address what actually happened, I think we might be able to make some positive progress. I miss my son.
Just remember that you have to admit to your own faults just as clearly in front of your son and/or his mother, as you did here with us. That can be difficult to do but if you don't do it, I don't think you will get positive progress.
 

not2cleverRed

Obvious Observer
LdiJ - I have a meeting on Monday with the therapist. My son is refusing anything to do with being in the same room as me. Hopefully, some progress can be made at that meeting on Monday... each step feels like it’s an eternity. My parents are setting up a family meeting tomorrow afternoon. I’m hoping the truth comes out then. When we can address what actually happened, I think we might be able to make some positive progress. I miss my son.
Go to court and ask for therapeutic visitation.
 

gryndor

Member
I am not above admitting to my mistakes, or apologizing when I’ve screwed up. My children are my everything and I will have no problem taking responsibility for my actions. I just don’t want my ex to use my words against me later in a courtroom... that’s the only reservation I have.
 

t74

Member
Kid's and mom's reactions are out of proportion with dad's response to finding kid doing drugs. I would suspect that the actual issue is that kid is more involved in the drug scene than a new pot smoker. Mom is either clueless or approving. Dad reacted. Kid knows that he can not continue while at dad's while anything goes at mom's.

People are worried about dad's reaction while I would be far more worried about kid's drug use.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Kid's and mom's reactions are out of proportion with dad's response to finding kid doing drugs. I would suspect that the actual issue is that kid is more involved in the drug scene than a new pot smoker. Mom is either clueless or approving. Dad reacted. Kid knows that he can not continue while at dad's while anything goes at mom's.

People are worried about dad's reaction while I would be far more worried about kid's drug use.
Kid is a 16 year old who got caught smoking pot. Trying to suggest that he is more involved in the drug scene than just pot is unnecessary fearmongering. Trying to suggest that mom is clueless or approving is your classic dis the mom behavior.

A teen who has never been hit by a parent before is going to react the way this teen is reacting...and yes, it may also partially be somewhat of a diversion because he knows he is in trouble. However his reaction to being hit IS a normal reaction, particularly in this day and age.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
As I see it (and honestly? I think the reaction to the weed was over-the-top. Especially given its legality in CA. Would the reaction have been as extreme if Dad caught the kid w/a beer or a "regular" cigarette?)... Dad is not attempting to exercise his time, so a court is unlikely to see contempt on the part of Mom. It is also unclear (to me) whether OP actually hit the kid or not:
Short version: resulted in trying to slap my 16yo.
Long version: by slapping 16yo.
It's also unclear what involvement Mom has in kiddo not following the parenting schedule. She may be guilty of little more than believing her son - who seems to have inherited his dramatic streak quite honestly. I'd wait and see what the therapist says at the meeting Monday and then evaluate further action. And leave the rest of the family - grandparents, current wife, etc. - out of this situation.
 

t74

Member
It si reported that the age to buy tobacco products in CA is 21. I doubt the legal age to buy pot is lesss than that. A 16YO could not buy a product that is legal all over the country - cigarettes (I abhore them!) yet you think it is OK for him to smoke a product that is illegal in many places? People have to be 21 or more to use alcoholic beverages which are far less adictive with casual use than pot.

A CHILD should not be using any illegal or non-prescription drug (i.e. cigarettes, alcohol, pot and other illegal substances) - especially one that has long term health effects.That is the bigger problem. It is bad enough that older people use and abuse these substances.

A kid that is smoking pot probably has a potty mouth and smarted off to dad. Dad should have packed him in the car for a trip to the ER for a drug evaluation. I certainly would not want that 16yo around a 4 yo and certainly not be allowed to babysit for the little one.
 

gryndor

Member
I honestly have no problem with pot. If he wanted to do it safely under my roof, I honestly have no problem with that, but in reality it’s not legal for a 16yo. And he bought it from some scum in a dangerous part of a nearby town, with god only knows possibly laced into it. He’s not allowed to drive so far from home so he broke that rule too. I attempted to slap him, and he mostly deflected it, but the fact remains that I tried, and so it may as well be as if I’d succeeded.
 

gryndor

Member
And it escalaceted because he was not listening to me, trying to leave, saying whatever and trying to wiggle out of the trouble he was in. Also this wasn’t private, as an old coworker of mine, an EMT on duty, was the one who found him and brought him to me. We live in a small town and the once perfect grades perfect behavior teen is now known to the whole town (courtesy of not me) that this is happening. He got fired from his job as a result.
 

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