5 Days Left What to do

[ssusanj1116]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

So I’m sure some of you have read my post before. I tried to make my post brief but it didn’t quite turn out like that. My husband and I separated back in may after he physically assaulted me when I was three months prego. I got RO and have not spoken to him directly since. Well our child will be born in 5 days due and to the emotional strain of everything, the RO, and the fact I really don't trust him and his motives with our daughter. I have decided that I don't want him there at the birth so I’m choosing to be registered as private. After reading all the post from the veterans I have come to the conclusion that it would be very wrong for me to keep him from his daughter so I setup with my pastor to have him meet at their home. I will stay in another room while he has visitation with his daughter. Just to clarify The RO states he can not have any communication with me and may not enter my home or threaten or harass me in any way. We do work together so he is still allowed to be in the same vicinities as me. This can be done right after I leave the hospital if he chooses. This way the visitation can be monitored and also since we're not divorced I will still be at the residence so he can't just take off with her. I would prefer when we go to court for him to have supervised visits until he at least completes anger management classes, a parenting class, & seeks some type of counsel for the bi-polar disorder. But since his assault was only on me and it was the first documented offense I have realized that I may not get what I am requesting. I am willing to settle for no overnights until she is 2 or 3 and to start with 2 hours of supervised visitation in my home or neutral grounds 3 days a week. I would agree to visitation progressing as a relationship is developed and hopefully with the completion of at least an anger management class, and parenting class. I hope this is fair I don't want to take his daughter away I just was to protect her from any possible harm. Another concern I have though is that he recently moved into a 3 bedroom apartment with his girlfriend whom has spread horrible untrue rumors about me and has told him he's probably not even the father. Their household now includes him, the girlfriend, her 3 sons, her daughter, and another child on the way. She is currently 31 weeks pregnant with another boy but I am not sure if it is his or not. He say’s it is not his.
This women has been very cruel and hurtful to me and I have tried to remain very calm through out this and my only response to her and all her lies has been that when she once emailed me directly I simply wrote back that I thought the rumors and lies were childish and that I would appreciate it if she discontinued contact with me. I explained very politely that I did not believe that it was in my or my child’s best interest to be communication with her due to her relationship with my husband. I do not trust this woman and really do not want her around my daughter. Not because she is with my stbx but mainly because of the lengths in which she went to get with him. I have a hard time trusting my daughter with her and trusting that she will look out for my daughter's best interest. My stbx is very irresponsible and other than getting an apartment for him and his new girlfriend he has done nothing what so ever to prepare for our daughter's arrival. He is hell bent on telling everyone he's going to get full custody of our daughter but he has yet to even take care of the warrant he has for his arrest for assaulting me. He say's these things knowing I'm am a drug free, alcohol free, stable mom that has lived on her own for quite sometime. I have never been in any trouble with the law excluding some minor parking tickets all which have been taken care of, and I work a decent fulltime job. I keep my home very clean and I have no pre-recorded mental disabilities. I just want to be logical and do things right from the start.
I feel very strongly that if our daughter was left unsupervised with him he would in turn leave her with this woman he is seeing. My question is it possible that he would get overnight visitation with our infant as well if there is overnight visitation can I request that visitation is strictly for the parents and family members only no third parties or overnight stays for third parties when our child is with either parent. This is something that I my self am willing to follow as I have not engaged in any relationship thus far not due to lack of opportunity but due to I wanted to focus on my daughter and I don't want different people running in and out of her life. I want her to have the most stable environment that we can possible provide. Can any of you veterans out there shed some light as to how possible and reasonable a request these things are. If I am being foolish please instruct me on my best course of action. Please also note as I have said before my stbx is not a horrible guy he just doesn't make wise decisions all the time. I believe this is mainly in part due to the uncontrolled bi-polar disorder. I think with the proper help he could be a wonderful dad it's just at this time he hasn't been willing to seek help anywhere.

 

[LdiJ]

I am sorry, but I tried to read that, I really did, but its just too difficult without paragraphs.

Please edit your post to put in paragraphs and DOUBLE SPACE between the paragraphs.

 

[profmum]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

I am willing to settle for no overnights until she is 2 or 3 and to start with 2 hours of supervised visitation in my home or neutral grounds 3 days a week.

2 or 3 years old?? if you feel strongly that he is a threat to your child because of his assault on you, ask for a GAL, but barring that, he will get overnight visits and most certainly before she is 2 years old!

I would agree to visitation progressing as a relationship is developed and hopefully with the completion of at least an anger management class, and parenting class. I hope this is fair I don't want to take his daughter away I just was to protect her from any possible harm. Another concern I have though is that he recently moved into a 3 bedroom apartment with his girlfriend whom has spread horrible untrue rumors about me and has told him he's probably not even the father. Their household now includes him, the girlfriend, her 3 sons, her daughter, and another child on the way. She is currently 31 weeks pregnant with another boy but I am not sure if it is his or not. He say’s it is not his.
This women has been very cruel and hurtful to me and I have tried to remain very calm through out this and my only response to her and all her lies has been that when she once emailed me directly I simply wrote back that I thought the rumors and lies were childish and that I would appreciate it if she discontinued contact with me. I explained very politely that I did not believe that it was in my or my child’s best interest to be communication with her due to her relationship with my husband. I do not trust this woman and really do not want her around my daughter. Not because she is with my stbx but mainly because of the lengths in which she went to get with him. I have a hard time trusting my daughter with her and trusting that she will look out for my daughter's best interest.
this woman has no legal relationship with your child..but nothing you say suggests she is a threat to your child

My stbx is very irresponsible and other than getting an apartment for him and his new girlfriend he has done nothing what so ever to prepare for our daughter's arrival. He is hell bent on telling everyone he's going to get full custody of our daughter but he has yet to even take care of the warrant he has for his arrest for assaulting me. He say's these things knowing I'm am a drug free, alcohol free, stable mom that has lived on her own for quite sometime. I have never been in any trouble with the law excluding some minor parking tickets all which have been taken care of, and I work a decent fulltime job. I keep my home very clean and I have no pre-recorded mental disabilities. I just want to be logical and do things right from the start.

well he can say what he wants.. not a chance in hell that he will get full custody, and you may not either.

I feel very strongly that if our daughter was left unsupervised with him he would in turn leave her with this woman he is seeing. My question is it possible that he would get overnight visitation with our infant as well if there is overnight visitation can I request that visitation is strictly for the parents and family members only no third parties or overnight stays for third parties when our child is with either parent.

you could, doubt if the courts would order it, usually this is something that Mum and Dad have to agree to.

This is something that I my self am willing to follow as I have not engaged in any relationship thus far not due to lack of opportunity but due to I wanted to focus on my daughter and I don't want different people running in and out of her life.

well you can (and should) model your life that way.. cant expect or have control over if your ex chooses not to.

I want her to have the most stable environment that we can possible provide. Can any of you veterans out there shed some light as to how possible and reasonable a request these things are. If I am being foolish please instruct me on my best course of action. Please also note as I have said before my stbx is not a horrible guy he just doesn't make wise decisions all the time. I believe this is mainly in part due to the uncontrolled bi-polar disorder. I think with the proper help he could be a wonderful dad it's just at this time he hasn't been willing to seek help anywhere.

well you need to file for your divorce first. (are you legally separated?). because until there is a parenting plan, both of you have equal access to the child. I am curious if things went sour back in May, why are waiting/did you wait till 5 days before the birth to think about this? keep in mind unless he agrees to visitation at the marital residence, he can take his child anywhere

 

[LdiJ]

well you need to file for your divorce first. (are you legally separated?). because until there is a parenting plan, both of you have equal access to the child. I am curious if things went sour back in May, why are waiting/did you wait till 5 days before the birth to think about this? keep in mind unless he agrees to visitation at the marital residence, he can take his child anywhere

That really isn't accurate. Yes, they are married, and yes technically they have equal access to the child.

However, obviously she is going to have the child in her physical custody (she is the one who will be going home from the hospital with the child) and she has a restraining order against him, therefore, he will have no access to the child until a court orders differently. He can't go near the child without going near mom's home, and that would violate the restraining order.

Even without the restraining order they have equal access, therefore she does not have to turn the child over to him, again, until a court orders differently. He can't agree to visitation at the marital residence even if he wanted to agree, because there is a restraining order against him. He can't go near the marital home because that would be a violation of the restraining order.

It makes me very nervous when we quote the classic "they both have equal access to the child" when there has been domestic violence. It can leave the victim with the impression that they have no recourse and can lead to more violence.

Setting up supervised visitation at her pastor's home (which she has planned) is a viable compromise.

He also has a warrant out for his arrest. If he doesn't realize that going to court will get him picked up on the warrant, then he is not thinking straight. I am actually surprized that he hasn't been picked up by now.

 

[Just Blue]

That really isn't accurate. Yes, they are married, and yes technically they have equal access to the child.

However, obviously she is going to have the child in her physical custody (she is the one who will be going home from the hospital with the child) and she has a restraining order against him, therefore, he will have no access to the child until a court orders differently. He can't go near the child without going near mom's home, and that would violate the restraining order.

Even without the restraining order they have equal access, therefore she does not have to turn the child over to him, again, until a court orders differently. He can't agree to visitation at the marital residence even if he wanted to agree, because there is a restraining order against him. He can't go near the marital home because that would be a violation of the restraining order.

It makes me very nervous when we quote the classic "they both have equal access to the child" when there has been domestic violence. It can leave the victim with the impression that they have no recourse and can lead to more violence.

Setting up supervised visitation at her pastor's home (which she has planned) is a viable compromise.

He also has a warrant out for his arrest. If he doesn't realize that going to court will get him picked up on the warrant, then he is not thinking straight. I am actually surprized that he hasn't been picked up by now.

Agreed. I have had a RO for some years...Dad has chosen to not seek visitation through the court system and I will not allow visitation without an order. I do not want to end up seeking an emergency order because Dad doesn't want to return lil' Bay.

 

[profmum]

That really isn't accurate. Yes, they are married, and yes technically they have equal access to the child.


LDIJ.. didn't OP say the RO was not against him being on the premises since they work together, so does that limit time at home with the child as well?

It makes me very nervous when we quote the classic "they both have equal access to the child" when there has been domestic violence. It can leave the victim with the impression that they have no recourse and can lead to more violence.

I would agree..and maybe her best recourse is to wait and see what Dad asks the Courts for.

 

[CJane]

Even if he does go through the proper channels, whether or not he receives visitation with an infant and whether or not it's likely you could get a 'no overnight guests' clause in the decree is largely dependent on what county in MO you're in.

If you can clear that up - even in PM - it would be helpful.

 

[CJane]

LDIJ.. didn't OP say the RO was not against him being on the premises since they work together, so does that limit time at home with the child as well?

A standard RO in MO doesn't limit a proximity... so he's not barred from being in the same public locations as her - including work.

What it DOES limit is contact and they also generally state that the person the RO is against cannot 'harass, disturb, or otherwise contact' the other person in the following locations and then lists the address of the person's home.

I don't KNOW that OP's RO states that, but I'm willing to bet it does.

Also, he's barred from contacting her IN ANY WAY... he'd have to do that to come into the house and take the child.

But if I were mom, I'd be VERY careful about leaving the child w/3rd parties.

 

[ssusanj1116]

first to clarify a few things. I live in st. louis county, missouri. also things did go sour in may. I have been instructed by serveral missouri laywers and the family court in st. louis that because I am pregnant i can not file for divorce or serperation until after the baby is born due to the custody issue involved. Cjane is correct my RO directly states he cannot harass, disturb, or otherwise contact me. He is barred from my address but not from public locations. And that he is not to communicate with me through any medium. My pastor is actually a long time friend of mine. She has been like a mother to me for the last 12 years. In fact i normally when I reference her i use the term my mom cause that what i've called her for the last 12 years. she said she would be willing to let him come to her home for visitation. I could stay in another room or downstair while the stbx visited with his daughter. That way I am still actually at the residence so that he could not just up and take her but it allows him the chance for visitation and i would feel she is safe becuase it would be monitored. My mohter is a very fair person and through all of this has not taken either side she just want's whats best for my child and is willing to help. My fear of here of waiting is that I don't want him to go to court and try to say that I used PAS and kept him from his daughter.

 

[LdiJ]

first to clarify a few things. I live in st. louis county, missouri. also things did go sour in may. I have been instructed by serveral missouri laywers and the family court in st. louis that because I am pregnant i can not file for divorce or serperation until after the baby is born due to the custody issue involved. Cjane is correct my RO directly states he cannot harass, disturb, or otherwise contact me. He is barred from my address but not from public locations. And that he is not to communicate with me through any medium. My pastor is actually a long time friend of mine. She has been like a mother to me for the last 12 years. In fact i normally when I reference her i use the term my mom cause that what i've called her for the last 12 years. she said she would be willing to let him come to her home for visitation. I could stay in another room or downstair while the stbx visited with his daughter. That way I am still actually at the residence so that he could not just up and take her but it allows him the chance for visitation and i would feel she is safe becuase it would be monitored. My mohter is a very fair person and through all of this has not taken either side she just want's whats best for my child and is willing to help. My fear of here of waiting is that I don't want him to go to court and try to say that I used PAS and kept him from his daughter.

He would not be able to claim PAS or even alienation where an infant is concerned. The most he could claim is that you did not allow him any access to the child, and with a restraining order in place, he wouldn't have much leg to stand on there.

Its honestly fine and admirable that you are willing to allow supervised vistation with a neutral party....as long as you believe that he can eventually be a safe parent for the child.