A big problem

[Becki C.]

state: tennessee

hi. any info will be appreciated.

my husband's ex just called and said left two messages on my cell phone. she is mad at us because we are pursuing child support arrearages in excess of $25,000.00 on her. she now says that she had been keeping "notebooks" during her supervised visitations with my two step-kids about the alleged abuse they suffer. she said that she is going to "level very serious child abuse charges" against me. she said she has been aware of this abuse for nearly seven years and now she is prepared to take it to court.

i spoke to my step-kids after i heard this message and asked them about it. one of them looked stunned and said he didn't know what his bio mom was speaking out. however, my step-daughter (10 yrs. old) said that she wanted her mother's attention and the only way her mother would pay attention to her was if she talked bad about me. she said that her mom would ask her questions about how she was treated by me and she would agree to "whatever mom said to keep her happy". she said that she felt her mom only loved her brother and to get her mother to focus on her she would "let mom ask her questions while she watched t.v. and isn't really sure of everything she agreed to".

needless to say, i'm stunned. i've been with these kids since they were toddlers and to hear this is unbelievable. however, i would like to know what kind of problems this opens up for me. how do i prove these allegations are false?

 

[JulieHun]

Been through it....

I sincerly feel for you, and sorry you are going through this. Im not an attorney, but i was married to my ex, about 12 years ago, he had custody of his daughter, and we went through the same thing. Very same thing! It was a long hard road, but we got through it.
First off, the ex, probably has been questioning the kids for some time now, which is totally wrong. She is jealous of you, and does not want to hear anything good about you. If she reports it, they should talk to the children alone, and if your stepdaughter will tell them what she told you, they will piece it all together. She is mad over the child support, and im sure they will all see that.
You say she has supervised visits, who supervises them? And remember there is a reason she has supervised visits.
My own personal opinion is to get the kids into a counselor, and the kids can have someone to talk to, and if she ever does take it to court this would help
your case. She may not ever do anything, She is probably just angry.
If you feel she is serious, maybe start talking to some attorneys, but most definatly, I dont feel that its emotionally stable for the children to be around her, if she is making them feel this bad. Talk to an attorney and see what your options are. There are alot of people on here that give excellent advice, I just wanted to post to you, because Ive been there, and I understand the pain.
I hope this helps some.

 

[Becki C.]

the bio mom has been on supervised visits for seven years. the bio mom's mother was the supervisor until her behavior came under question. the maternal grandmother explained to my step-daughter that she wanted to "chop off" my arms and legs and "bury" me in "a shoebox". she told both of my step-kids that their father was a "spinelesss *******". my step-kids said that their mother would sit them down and "grill" them on what their lives were like on a day to day basis living with their father and i.

their mother had another child a couple of years ago. as the child's father wouldn't assist financially, i would take my step-kid's mom diapers and clothing for their half-sister. she had no problems with me then. when the bio mom's behavior became uncontrollable with her ill comments, my husband had her supervised visits rerouted to a child visitation supervisory facility. bio mom has refused to go to these visits and had not seen the kids since july 2004. we know that she is bringing false allegations because she is angry, but the problem is that my step-daughter jumped on the band wagon and helped fuel these allegations by agreeing with every bad thing that came up about me. i know she only did it out of desparation to get positive attention from her mom, but now what do we do?

my step-daughter has been in therapy since march 2004. the therapist said we "shouldn't worry" about bio mom's allegations; however, the courts can view this entirely differently. my step-daughter did admit to the counselor she "agreed with anything mom said" and that she "didn't remember everything" she agreed to because she was "trying to watch t.v." at the time. surely that will help me.

 

[JulieHun]

Yes, that will help you out, that she has told the thearpist all of this. I think its wonderful that the kids havent had to be around her since July. Apparently she isnt following a court order to see them, this will look bad on her in court however, but dont tell her that, or she may try to start seeing them as ordered.
I know its hard being a stepmom, I was there at one time, and I had a hard time, dealing with things that my stepdaughter said, but I knew it was because she wanted the love of her mother so much, and to feel accepted.
Just comfort your stepdaughter, which Im sure you do, let her know you love her. Maybe have the thearpist talk to her, about truth vs. lies, and help her to start understanding what things can come out of lies. We had to do that with my ex stepdaughter, and the counselor did it, in a wonderful manor, and we saw a big improvement soon after.
I dont think the ex has a leg to stand on in court, she is 25,000 behind in child support, and has not made an attempt to see them since July, since the visitation didnt suit her needs. It would be easy to prove in court that she does not have the best interest of the children at heart.
Sounds like a pretty wacky ex wife....she is speaking out of anger and jealousy.
Just keep going to the therapy, and maybe have some family thearpy, so your family can work through all of this.
I really think the ex, is just blowing hot air....she owes to much, When is it a felony for child support, In Arkansas over 2,000 behind they put a warrent out for them...If that is the case in your state, she would be afraid to go press charges.
Im here for ya if ya need me...Keep us updated...

 

[LdiJ]

I don't think that you need to worry about this very much. There are only two routes she can take. The first route is to call CPS. CPS would investigate and when your stepdaughter tells them what she told you, they will close the case as unfounded.

The second route she could take would be to file for custody. Based on her current status (and the fact that the judge would also want to hear from the kids via a gal or other court helper) she wouldn't get far there either.

The worst you are looking at is some short term hassle....if she even attempts to follow through on her threats. The fact that she TOLD you means that she wanted to scare and upset you...however that wasn't a good strategy for her if she really intended to follow through.

She was probably hoping to scare you into dropping the child support case.

 

[AisforApple]

I am curious, does the fact that the mom waited so long to do anything about this mean anything?
I mean, if you thought your child was being hurt in some way, would you wait months or even years to do something about it? Secretly taking notes as if to be gathering information to hurt some one, and not getting any help for her daughter sounds alot like neglect.....
what do you guys think?

 

[nextwife]

Sounds like the tactic of "raise doubts about custody" that some parents might try to avoid CS repsonsibility. The courts have seen such efforts coincide with CS collection attempts many times.

 

[Becki C.]

hey....thanks to all of you for responding so quickly. i do feel better having gotten your opinions and insights to this matter. it really helps to know people who have gone through the same thing. i feel more positive about the situation now.

while i am angry to be placed in this position, i am trying to put that aside and remember that my step-daughter was just so desperate for her mom's attention that she was willing to go to any length to get it. it is hurtful to me that she did that to me, but the bigger picture is her desperation for acknowledgement from her bio mom.

the counseling has helped by leaps and bounds (except forthe lying obviously) and we will continue to go. my step-daughter takes an anti-depressant also and that has helped her cope with the situation with the neglect she feels from her mother.

i will keep you guys updated on anything that occurs. i can't thank you guys enough for your support and helpful comments. i hope i can return to favor to each of you.