A Fit Parent versus an Unfit Parent, Which is Which

[txmom512]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Anywhere


Proserpina, I think you've posted that before - what would constitute being an unfit parent versus what wouldn't. This sure would be a great sticky to have on this board, it would be a great reference for those who get confused when they are posting.

 

[henbob6]

It's on this thread from yesterday:

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/how-win-full-custody-627045-p2.html

(FWIW, it's reading these kinds of posts over the past 2 years that led me to STAY with my husband. He spanks, I don't. He drinks and yells, I don't. He bellows "clean this f-ing room right now or I'm throwing all your toys away," and I encourage the kids to clean daily. He calls the kids clumsy, oafish, and lazy. I encourage them and try to bring out their strengths. He insults me in front of friends, I try to present a united front. Unpleasant at times, probably an instance or two where the cops could have been called - but I'm better off being HERE to "smooth out" his parenting style, and ignore his occasional "get out of my house b**ch.")

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Anywhere


Proserpina, I think you've posted that before - what would constitute being an unfit parent versus what wouldn't. This sure would be a great sticky to have on this board, it would be a great reference for those who get confused when they are posting.

Nothing against The Proserpina or anyone particular, but I don't like it, nor do I want it for a sticky.

You may wonder, why is she so mean? Because it provides a list from which liars may pick-n-choose accusations that really are serious. We all know that's how it works.

I'd much rather read each story and deal with the individuals.

 

[LdiJ]

It's on this thread from yesterday:

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/how-win-full-custody-627045-p2.html

(FWIW, it's reading these kinds of posts over the past 2 years that led me to STAY with my husband. He spanks, I don't. He drinks and yells, I don't. He bellows "clean this f-ing room right now or I'm throwing all your toys away," and I encourage the kids to clean daily. He calls the kids clumsy, oafish, and lazy. I encourage them and try to bring out their strengths. He insults me in front of friends, I try to present a united front. Unpleasant at times, probably an instance or two where the cops could have been called - but I'm better off being HERE to "smooth out" his parenting style, and ignore his occasional "get out of my house b**ch.")

If we are really responsible for causing you to stay with a bad and verbally abusive husband that makes me very sad.

 

[Proserpina]

I think my heart just broke a little bit.

 

[Silverplum]

Me, too. Mine, too.

 

[henbob6]

Well, crap, I painted a pretty dark picture of my marriage. I didn't mean to be Debbie Downer. You guys are fantastic and dedicated to helping others. I hope you never doubt your ability to help people, even as your will occasionally fades.

My point was that if I had posted two years ago saying I needed to get away, and needed to somehow protect my kids from their dad, I'd have heard two things. One - that I chose him as their dad, and he and my boys have rights to their mutual relationship. Two - that there's nothing that I posted that would prevent him from having standard, unsupervised parenting time. Divorcing him would do the opposite of what I wanted to achieve - protecting my boys.

So, what was my choice, really? Stay in the marriage. Communicate with him better. Try to bring out the best in HIS parenting the same way I try to bring out the best parts of my kids. Be a better mom to my boys, and make sure I'm not overcompensating and spoiling them.

It's gotten better since I came here two years ago. There's just no easy fix in life, eh?

That being said, I think Prosperina's list SHOULD be a sticky post.

 

[Silverplum]

Thank you for your post, henbob.

I have near-70% understanding of your situation and feelings and decision. Bless you.

 

[Ohiogal]

I agree Silver. And I hope henbob will stick around and help others. She seems rather bright.

 

[Proserpina]

Well, crap, I painted a pretty dark picture of my marriage. I didn't mean to be Debbie Downer. You guys are fantastic and dedicated to helping others. I hope you never doubt your ability to help people, even as your will occasionally fades.

My point was that if I had posted two years ago saying I needed to get away, and needed to somehow protect my kids from their dad, I'd have heard two things. One - that I chose him as their dad, and he and my boys have rights to their mutual relationship. Two - that there's nothing that I posted that would prevent him from having standard, unsupervised parenting time. Divorcing him would do the opposite of what I wanted to achieve - protecting my boys.

So, what was my choice, really? Stay in the marriage. Communicate with him better. Try to bring out the best in HIS parenting the same way I try to bring out the best parts of my kids. Be a better mom to my boys, and make sure I'm not overcompensating and spoiling them.

It's gotten better since I came here two years ago. There's just no easy fix in life, eh?

That being said, I think Prosperina's list SHOULD be a sticky post.

I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad that you've been able - and are still able - to protect your boys.

 

[Ohiogal]

But she also needs to protect herself.

 

[henbob6]

Thanks y'all.

 

[LdiJ]

But she also needs to protect herself.

Double like.

Many people say that their children are their life and that they would do anything for them, but there is a fine line between smoothing out dad's parenting style and demonstrating to your children that a normal marriage is a dysfunctional, abusive one.

I am impressed with henbob6's dedication to her children and her pragmatic viewpoint about her marriage, but I also wonder if we unwittingly cause her to believe that it was better for her children to live within the confines of a dysfunctional marriage than otherwise.

Most of you probably do not remember this but about 9 years ago I got on the case of the forum as a whole because my daughter had been reading the forums, without my knowledge, and came to believe that she had no choice but to put up the physical and verbal abuse she was receiving from my granddaughter's father. Everybody's postings convinced her that it was the only way to protect her child. I was devastated when I found out.

I do not ever want to be responsible for convincing someone to stay in a dysfunctional marriage, or convincing someone not to protect their children from an abusive parent. At the same time, I do not want to be responsible for encouraging a parent to believe that their personal morals dictate legal reality or are even fair. Every bit of advice that I give is tempered by those premises.