A friend needs help!

[Nikki74]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

My friend was seeing a man that was recently divorced and she ended up pregnant. He left and went back to his ex and the ex ended up pregnant and they remarried. She lives in Central MO and he moved back to Kansas City. He didn't want anything to do with the baby, who is 1 year old now, until she filed for Child Support. Now he wants 50/50 Joint Custody.

I am personally all for 50/50, but only when there isn't a good distance between the parents. 3 hours apart is too far in my opinion to share custody because of when the child starts preschool and then Elementary school.

She has an attorney, but says the attorney isn't doing much for her.

What advice can I give her? Any opinions?

Thanks.

 

[hexeliebe]

I am personally all for 50/50, but only when there isn't a good distance between the parents. 3 hours apart is too far in my opinion to share custody because of when the child starts preschool and then Elementary school.

Sorry, but your opinion, even that of your 'friend' doesn't matter anymore. It's up to the courts and without a compelling reason to limit the father's visitation, he can and should petition for shared custody.

That doesn't mean your 'friend' shouldn't petition for sole legal and physical custody but unless she's willing to forego support she won't have much chance of restricting his rights.

As for her attorney not doing much, have you ever thought he/she isn't because the law is telling him there isn't much he/she CAN do?

As for three hours being too far, forget it. When my daughters were 3 and 5 they still lived in Austria and visited me three times a year in San Francisco. Just be happy for your friend that her ex wants a relationship with the child.

 

[Nikki74]

Sorry, but your opinion, even that of your 'friend' doesn't matter anymore. It's up to the courts and without a compelling reason to limit the father's visitation, he can and should petition for shared custody.

What about when the child is school age. How do you do 50/50 then? This man didn't even have any interest until he knew he may have to pay support.

 

[stealth2]

What about when the child is school age. How do you do 50/50 then? This man didn't even have any interest until he knew he may have to pay support.

That's your (and perhaps your friend's) version. It's impossible to know what his is.

The child is 1, so school-age isn't going to be an issue for 4 more years. A lot can happen in 4 years. Is it likely that a 1 yo will be traveling 3 hours to spend a week with each parent? Not too, to be honest. But anything is possible. Certainly, the child will be spending some amount of time with the father - most likely a minimum of 1 w/e a month, but likely more than that - either eow or one extended weekend (4-5 days?) at reasonable intervals. I have a friend w/a child who has had a schedule of 5 days every third week - baby's been doing it since she was about 8 mos, and it includes a 6 hr car ride each way.

 

[Nikki74]

That's your (and perhaps your friend's) version. It's impossible to know what his is.

The child is 1, so school-age isn't going to be an issue for 4 more years. A lot can happen in 4 years. Is it likely that a 1 yo will be traveling 3 hours to spend a week with each parent? Not too, to be honest. But anything is possible. Certainly, the child will be spending some amount of time with the father - most likely a minimum of 1 w/e a month, but likely more than that - either eow or one extended weekend (4-5 days?) at reasonable intervals. I have a friend w/a child who has had a schedule of 5 days every third week - baby's been doing it since she was about 8 mos, and it includes a 6 hr car ride each way.

I understand that long distance 50/50 can work. Children adapt and get used to it. So if she were to agree with 50/50 with him, then how do you word the agreement for when the child starts school? And yes, this guy knew he had a child and didn't even want to see her until she filed for child support. What kind of relationship can you have with a child that you only want to see so you can avoid paying support?

 

[hexeliebe]

Having a relationship with the child does not relieve the father of support obligations. Have your 'friend' go see an attorney. This is not something to do alone.

And please leave the attitude and opinions at the courthouse steps. Judges get a little pissed hearing them every single time a custody hearing comes up.

 

[HomeGuru]

What is the name of your state? Missouri


I am personally all for 50/50, but only when there isn't a good distance between the parents. 3 hours apart is too far in my opinion to share custody because of when the child starts preschool and then Elementary school.

**A: pure pretzel logic.
*******
She has an attorney, but says the attorney isn't doing much for her.

What advice can I give her? Any opinions?

Thanks.

**A: then tell her to get another attorney.

 

[Nikki74]

Having a relationship with the child does not relieve the father of support obligations. Have your 'friend' go see an attorney. This is not something to do alone.

And please leave the attitude and opinions at the courthouse steps. Judges get a little pissed hearing them every single time a custody hearing comes up.

I won't be with her in court and I'm sorry if you think I have an attitude. I am not trying to come across like I have one. The courts in my area usually give the mother custody and the father gets visitation. My friend came to me looking for answers and I told her I would find out what I can about her situation. I am all for 50/50. I think it is the best way to go when both parents can offer a loving and stable environment. I just don't think the father has the childs best interests at heart when he hasn't had any interest in seeing her until he faces the possibility of paying support.

Thanks.

 

[stealth2]

I just don't think the father has the childs best interests at heart when he hasn't had any interest in seeing her until he faces the possibility of paying support.

What you're not getting, though, is that this is your opinion based on what she has told you. Would she tell you "Ya know, the guy was an a$$hole so I told him to leave us alone and I didn't want his money! But then the expenses started running up, and I realized that he SHOULD be helping support baby!" Of course she wouldn't. That's as good a theory as yours. And one that happens fairly often. (I know, I know - she's your *friend* and she's not *like* that.)

Beyond all of that, though, the court is not likely to care. If he's the father, he has a right to file for custody and/or visitation. A judge is going to be more interested in both parents being involved, regardless of the initial motivation.

 

[Nikki74]

What you're not getting, though, is that this is your opinion based on what she has told you. Would she tell you "Ya know, the guy was an a$$hole so I told him to leave us alone and I didn't want his money! But then the expenses started running up, and I realized that he SHOULD be helping support baby!" Of course she wouldn't. That's as good a theory as yours. And one that happens fairly often. (I know, I know - she's your *friend* and she's not *like* that.)
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She doesn't have to tell me, I've seen it. He wasn't an ******* when he was with her. He got back with his ex and they had a child and remarried and he wanted nothing to do with the baby they had together, until now.

Beyond all of that, though, the court is not likely to care. If he's the father, he has a right to file for custody and/or visitation. A judge is going to be more interested in both parents being involved, regardless of the initial motivation.
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I agree, but I have to convince her of that. I just never understood how 50/50 works when the child starts school?

 

[stealth2]

When the child starts school, if they are doing 50/50 and not living closer together, the custody situation will have to be changed. But again - that's 4 years down the line and a lot can happen in that time.

 

[krislild]

I have a question for HEX. When you file for sole/physical custody, if the father is awarded vistiation do they have to pay child support. If he is not awarded visitation does he have to pay child support.

 

[hexeliebe]

The answer to both questions is yes and no.

Child support is a separate issue than visitation and custody. These are all decided separately although they may be entered into the same judgement.

Just because a parent has or does not have visitation in no way influences whether they have support obligations.

Your 'friend' needs to address these issues all as separate threads of the same coat.

 

[stealth2]

Not hex, but..... Child support and visitation are not tied together in any way, shape or form. Both parents are expected to support their child(ren) - that is an obligation. The parent with whom the child(ren) do(es) not live has the right to visitation, assuming that s/he has not been deemed a danger to the child(ren).

 

[hexeliebe]

Hey stealth, want to trade? I could use an alter-ego...especially today