A lighthearted question

[CJane]

What is the name of your state? MO

My kids are too young to date, at 10 and 7, they'll be too young for a good long time as far as I'm concerned.

However, I logged Wild into her yahoo messenger account this weekend and an offline message from a boy in her classes popped up. It said "umm... thnx 4 sk8ing all 3 couple sk8s with me fri. Umm... do u wanna go out? "

(That was seriously painful to type)

It got me thinking... she's in 5th grade, so if I remember correctly 'going out' consists of occasionally being loosely chaperoned at the movie theater or hanging out w/parental supervision for some tv watching/homework doing... (this kid is in all the advanced classes w/Wild and they already study together during recess and stuff)...

What's my obligation to her dad in this case? Is the decision for when to allow a child to 'date' a joint decision or a parenting style decision?

She wants me to promise not to tell her father, and I'm inclined to think it's not his business too... and I'm also inclined to think that if we were still an intact family, this would be the realm of 'girl stuff' between mom and daughter and dad would still not be in the loop...

What say the experts?

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? MO

My kids are too young to date, at 10 and 7, they'll be too young for a good long time as far as I'm concerned.

However, I logged Wild into her yahoo messenger account this weekend and an offline message from a boy in her classes popped up. It said "umm... thnx 4 sk8ing all 3 couple sk8s with me fri. Umm... do u wanna go out? "

(That was seriously painful to type)

It got me thinking... she's in 5th grade, so if I remember correctly 'going out' consists of occasionally being loosely chaperoned at the movie theater or hanging out w/parental supervision for some tv watching/homework doing... (this kid is in all the advanced classes w/Wild and they already study together during recess and stuff)...

What's my obligation to her dad in this case? Is the decision for when to allow a child to 'date' a joint decision or a parenting style decision?

She wants me to promise not to tell her father, and I'm inclined to think it's not his business too... and I'm also inclined to think that if we were still an intact family, this would be the realm of 'girl stuff' between mom and daughter and dad would still not be in the loop...

What say the experts?

he he I say Welcome to Pre-Adolescence. Oh, and it's none of Dad's business...do you think he'd call YOU if an IM popped up at HIS house?

I would consider this under the realm of "Day to Day Parenting Decisions" It's 5th grade, not 10th..."going out" usually consists of what at this age? Some notes handed back & forth, some daring hand holding at school?

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I agree with Casa - sounds like a 'day-to-day' parenting thing.

My 10yo (who's in 6th) will be allowed to date when she is 40. Oh ... guess she'll double date with me till ?? It makes me laugh on the longevity of 'being a couple' at this age. HMMMM ... maybe 3 days, huh?

 

[CJane]

he he I say Welcome to Pre-Adolescence. Oh, and it's none of Dad's business...do you think he'd call YOU if an IM popped up at HIS house?

Well... with him, I'm pretty sure he'd drag me back to court because I'm turning my child into an internet addict just like me... but I wouldn't expect a sane or rational person to call me, no.

I would consider this under the realm of "Day to Day Parenting Decisions" It's 5th grade, not 10th..."going out" usually consists of what at this age? Some notes handed back & forth, some daring hand holding at school?

Gawd, I hope so. I'm not up to dealing with anything more. I'm just not.

 

[CJane]

I agree with Casa - sounds like a 'day-to-day' parenting thing.

My 10yo (who's in 6th) will be allowed to date when she is 40. Oh ... guess she'll double date with me till ?? It makes me laugh on the longevity of 'being a couple' at this age. HMMMM ... maybe 3 days, huh?

Wild will be 11 on XMas Eve. I've told her many times that she can date at 45 because I'll be too senile to care.

Longevity w/these kids is a little skewed. Our average graduating class is 37 students. Unruly's class is HUGE at 50 students. There are 12 boys in the class... it's like Alaska on opposite day.

 

[casa]

Well... with him, I'm pretty sure he'd drag me back to court because I'm turning my child into an internet addict just like me... but I wouldn't expect a sane or rational person to call me, no.



Gawd, I hope so. I'm not up to dealing with anything more. I'm just not.

My 8th grader was being peer pressured to kiss this boy she's been buddies with for a couple years...both Honor Students....both anime obsessed & shy...her reply?

"OMG~ My Mom would KILL Me!!!"

When she told me the story, I told her: "That's RIGHT! I would!" (he he I'm such a Scary, Mean Ol' Mom)

 

[peppier]

Around here it starts with a vengeance in 6th grade. They just call it "going out" but they mostly just talk about each other so everyone knows that they're "going out". In a social setting they would do the couples skate or dance but still hang out with their friends at the function.

My granddaughter was forbidden to have a boyfriend in 6th grade, midway through 7th she was allowed and had 2 boyfriends in 2 weeks and then swore off boys because she doesn't like the "drama" and she didn't like their manners.

Their decision was made by the whole family, including younger brother but Mom was still pretty much the one who made the decision and they only had the discussion because Mom was willing to budge a little.

I started dating when I was 14 and I didn't ask and I didn't tell. So the most important thing is keeping the lines of communication open and if Dad wants to know about her life then that is his responsibility too. If he makes it hard for her to talk to him then too bad for him.

I would recommend though, that you tell him if she is going on a real date, which shouldn't happen for a few years.

 

[nextwife]

EECK!

My daughter is also a fifth grader. She does not have IM, a cel phone, a My Space page, or her own email. And, thankfully, does not have anyone asking her to "go out". Although she has a couple boy-buddies she likes to play basketball with and has an admitted crush on one of them.

 

[CJane]

So the most important thing is keeping the lines of communication open and if Dad wants to know about her life then that is his responsibility too. If he makes it hard for her to talk to him then too bad for him.

That's my thought process too. I know how impossible that man can be when it comes to trying to have a discussion with him... we're not divorced for nothin, ya know?

And I did talk to Wild about it this morning, asked her to rate him on a scale of 1-10 for cuteness, niceness, smartness, politeness and 'keepableness'. She rated him a solid 8 overall. That's pretty good.

I would recommend though, that you tell him if she is going on a real date, which shouldn't happen for a few years.

Hopefully, by the time she's old enough to date, we'll have learned to communicate with each other, or one of us will have even less say over it all.

 

[casa]

EECK!

My daughter is also a fifth grader. She does not have IM, a cel phone, a My Space page, or her own email. And, thankfully, does not have anyone asking her to "go out". Although she has a couple boy-buddies she likes to play basketball with and has an admitted crush on one of them.

Oh Goodies~ Another Mean Ol' Mom! LOL My 8th grader also has no myspace or cell....she CAN use the internet on MY computer (because I can see everything she does walking behind her ), and even then, she has a specific account aol rigs for young teens which monitors access to sites.

Hey, I'm maybe not the Cool Mom...but I'm the Safe Mom.

 

[Inquiry123]

Sweet Sixteen

What's my obligation to her dad in this case? Is the decision for when to allow a child to 'date' a joint decision or a parenting style decision?

CJane:

I'm not an expert. I am a dad.

My parents set an age for dating at 16. My father also gave me a run-down of what "dating" meant well before I turned 16. I was prepared. I do not doubt, to this day, that my father would have knocked-me-out if I had ever touched a date inappropriately.

My father had the same conversations with my sister. And I've had the same discussions with my children -- boy and girls. It's BETTER if both parents are involved, in my opinion.

Since some of my children live far away with their mother, I have no "say" on a day to day basis. But I also have no doubt that my instruction will be ringing in their ears someday down the road.

My oldest just turned 16. Heaven help us.

 

[casa]

That's my thought process too. I know how impossible that man can be when it comes to trying to have a discussion with him... we're not divorced for nothin, ya know?

And I did talk to Wild about it this morning, asked her to rate him on a scale of 1-10 for cuteness, niceness, smartness, politeness and 'keepableness'. She rated him a solid 8 overall. That's pretty good.



Hopefully, by the time she's old enough to date, we'll have learned to communicate with each other, or one of us will have even less say over it all.

I'm betting on the latter CJane.

 

[CJane]

EECK!

My daughter is also a fifth grader. She does not have IM, a cel phone, a My Space page, or her own email. And, thankfully, does not have anyone asking her to "go out". Although she has a couple boy-buddies she likes to play basketball with and has an admitted crush on one of them.

Wild is a tech-geek. She has IM and an email address and a blog at blogspot. She also has a cell phone. All are HEAVILY monitored by me... IM is set to archive, cell phone bills are checked rigorously for incoming/outgoing calls, I have her email password and she's not allowed to change it, etc. I don't read her blog unless invited to do-so though.

This is a very responsible, very smart, very wise and world-aware girl we're talking about. She's one of those 10 going on 100 types w/no patience for drama or 'girlie hormone crap' as she calls it.

I really thought I'd escape the boy thing for a few more years ... unfortunately, she's also gorgeous. And I don't say that as a proud mama. It's a true story. Both girls are going to be drop-dead... and Wild is already 'developing'.

I'm gonna go cry now.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

CJane, it's all the same thing at my house. Since my daughter is very young and in middle school, I'm terrified. Nothing like a thin, gorgeous blonde in my house!

No cell phone for her - this is a child who can tie up the land line for 2 hours plus at one time. I own the ethernet cable - in my car at this time. I monitor it all.

Boys, luckily, are only good as friends to go fishing with ... I am in deep doo-doo too.

 

[majomom1]

CJane:

I'm not an expert. I am a dad.

My parents set an age for dating at 16. My father also gave me a run-down of what "dating" meant well before I turned 16. I was prepared. I do not doubt, to this day, that my father would have knocked-me-out if I had ever touched a date inappropriately.

My father had the same conversations with my sister. And I've had the same discussions with my children -- boy and girls. It's BETTER if both parents are involved, in my opinion.

Since some of my children live far away with their mother, I have no "say" on a day to day basis. But I also have no doubt that my instruction will be ringing in their ears someday down the road.

My oldest just turned 16. Heaven help us.

I wish there were more dads like you! My ex turned our 16yo loose with a car, and as I hear it, he told our son "don't get em pregnant!"

I had a teacher from school call me about our youngest, 13 at the time, she said his "girlfriend" was more advanced than most girls her age and that I needed to keep my eyes open.

Again, my ex wasn't concerned...

I have instructed both on what I think is appropriate... I just hope that they heard me!!