Abusive Sibling POA and Elderly Mothers Estate Need Advice

[Bohemian69]

What is the name of your state? Florida

Hello,

I am hoping someone here can perhaps offer me a little bit of legal advise as I am not in any financial situation currently afford a lawyer. To make things worse my question/s involve my only surviving parent that lives 3k miles away from me.

Here is the scenario. My sister and her husband live with my mother. She(my mother) purchased the home and her name is solely on the title however she gave the power of attorney to my sister recently.

My sister has some deep resentment for her brother(me) who's done nothing criminal or spiteful to her other that call her out on her infinite control issues when I stayed at the house. She controls every aspect of my mothers home from climate control(which is locked down by a password only she has) and goes as far as telling my elderly mother whom she can or cannot have as guests. My mother does not have Alzheimer's however she suffers from a little bit of late set dementia she is also somewhat mobile when shes allowed to use her own car(even that is controlled). I wanted to come to visit and stay at my mother house and was told by sibling I was not allowed to and that because she has power of attorney can have me arrested. This is extremely disturbing as I am close with my mother and want her last years to be as stress free and pleasant as possible. She tells me she is miserable but takes no action to remedy the issue at hand. She is emotionally worn from this ridiculous and unnecessary sibling rivalry and we my mother and I have recommended my sister see a psychiatrists for her anger issues as she regularly will throw vicious tantrums when people dont tow her line.

She lives in West Palm Beach FL and I would like to know what can be done to revoke the POA from my sister and does she my sister really have the legal power to keep a mother whom owns the house from allowing a family member to visit. Is there anything I can do legally to have them my sister and her husband out of the property? FYI he doesnt work and he is 56 years old with a bogus lawsuit against Home Depot which let him go 2 years ago.

Any help, pointers or emotional support would be very much appreciated!

Greg

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state? Florida

Hello,

I am hoping someone here can perhaps offer me a little bit of legal advise as I am not in any financial situation currently afford a lawyer. To make things worse my question/s involve my only surviving parent that lives 3k miles away from me.

Here is the scenario. My sister and her husband live with my mother. She(my mother) purchased the home and her name is solely on the title however she gave the power of attorney to my sister recently.

My sister has some deep resentment for her brother(me) who's done nothing criminal or spiteful to her other that call her out on her infinite control issues when I stayed at the house. She controls every aspect of my mothers home from climate control(which is locked down by a password only she has) and goes as far as telling my elderly mother whom she can or cannot have as guests. My mother does not have Alzheimer's however she suffers from a little bit of late set dementia she is also somewhat mobile when shes allowed to use her own car(even that is controlled). I wanted to come to visit and stay at my mother house and was told by sibling I was not allowed to and that because she has power of attorney can have me arrested. This is extremely disturbing as I am close with my mother and want her last years to be as stress free and pleasant as possible. She tells me she is miserable but takes no action to remedy the issue at hand. She is emotionally worn from this ridiculous and unnecessary sibling rivalry and we my mother and I have recommended my sister see a psychiatrists for her anger issues as she regularly will throw vicious tantrums when people dont tow her line.

She lives in West Palm Beach FL and I would like to know what can be done to revoke the POA from my sister and does she my sister really have the legal power to keep a mother whom owns the house from allowing a family member to visit. Is there anything I can do legally to have them my sister and her husband out of the property? FYI he doesnt work and he is 56 years old with a bogus lawsuit against Home Depot which let him go 2 years ago.

Any help, pointers or emotional support would be very much appreciated!

Greg

No. There is nothing you can do to force out your sister and BIL.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? Florida

Hello,

I am hoping someone here can perhaps offer me a little bit of legal advise as I am not in any financial situation currently afford a lawyer. To make things worse my question/s involve my only surviving parent that lives 3k miles away from me.

Here is the scenario. My sister and her husband live with my mother. She(my mother) purchased the home and her name is solely on the title however she gave the power of attorney to my sister recently.

My sister has some deep resentment for her brother(me) who's done nothing criminal or spiteful to her other that call her out on her infinite control issues when I stayed at the house. She controls every aspect of my mothers home from climate control(which is locked down by a password only she has) and goes as far as telling my elderly mother whom she can or cannot have as guests. My mother does not have Alzheimer's however she suffers from a little bit of late set dementia she is also somewhat mobile when shes allowed to use her own car(even that is controlled). I wanted to come to visit and stay at my mother house and was told by sibling I was not allowed to and that because she has power of attorney can have me arrested. This is extremely disturbing as I am close with my mother and want her last years to be as stress free and pleasant as possible. She tells me she is miserable but takes no action to remedy the issue at hand. She is emotionally worn from this ridiculous and unnecessary sibling rivalry and we my mother and I have recommended my sister see a psychiatrists for her anger issues as she regularly will throw vicious tantrums when people dont tow her line.

She lives in West Palm Beach FL and I would like to know what can be done to revoke the POA from my sister and does she my sister really have the legal power to keep a mother whom owns the house from allowing a family member to visit. Is there anything I can do legally to have them my sister and her husband out of the property? FYI he doesnt work and he is 56 years old with a bogus lawsuit against Home Depot which let him go 2 years ago.

Any help, pointers or emotional support would be very much appreciated!

Greg

There is nothing that YOU can do. Your mother, if she is competent can revoke the POA and evict your sister and her husband from the house.

If your mother is not competent and she is truly being abused (being controlling is not per say, abusive) then you could file for guardianship of your mother. However, being 3000 miles away from her is not really going to do her much good. I doubt that living alone, with no one to help her at all, is in her best interest.

 

[commentator]

You are financially strained, (which would hinder you from traveling) and you live 3000 away from your mother. You have no business with being her POA. Sister is there, sister is caregiving. If you think your mother is being abused, physically, not given enough food, being robbed, being not allowed to speak with others, being beaten, then you'd need to call Adult Protective Services. She would perhaps, in these circumstances be removed from your sister's care and given a guardian to control her affairs. It wouldn't be you. If proper caregivers were not available, she might be placed somewhere to receive care, at the judgment of the guardian.

But from the sound of this, what is happening is that you are getting all your feedback about what is happening from mom herself. Who will LOVE, in my experience with some older people, to pitch in and play you both against each other. It is pretty obvious that you and your sister do not have a good relationship and that you will willingly listen to any list of grievances about what she is doing wrong, what a selfish monster she is. As for your mom, it is very reinforcing for her to talk to you about how awful she's being treated by your sibling who is controlling the thermostat, won't allow her to have you come and see her, and controlling how she uses her car and invites people over. When you start, from 3000 miles away, throwing around terms like, 'emotionally worn' it's quite frankly, worthless. Maybe she's not perfectly happy and satisfied with her situation in her old age, but then, most people aren't. Compared to some places she could be, and compared to having no one to care for her, it probably isn't too awful.

Your mother is elderly, may have some degree of dementia and confusion, is apparently not fully capable of doing for herself. Heaven knows I don't want to be driving on the streets with someone who is "somewhat mobile when she can use her own car." And daughter is doing the work, she's moved in, is taking care of the parent, apparently still allowing her some contact with you. The wanting her to be perfectly happy, and being mad and resentful of the whole scenario and whether or not the brother in law has a job, etc. just sounds like she's calling you up and pulling your chain.

I have seen circumstances where one sibling came from afar with the police on standby to rescue her poor abused mother, only to find that her mother was much embarrassed that she'd showed up. Apparently Mother had been complaining a lot on the phone to her about how her caregiving sibling was treating her, but when it came to brass tacks, she understood that she had over-dramatized it all, and the rescuer daughter was sent away with many hard feelings between the siblings.

Try to continue contact with your mother. Don't push and aggravate and be that jerk from 3000 miles away who has an opinion about how you're caring for your mom. That's certainly not helpful. People with dementia still have their emotions. They tend to "catch" their moods from the people they deal with. When you speak with your mother, try to be positive and cheerful. Talk about happy things. Listen with some perspective about what is really going on, don't jump in and try to save her when you really can't.

 

[Bohemian69]

Hello,

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who took the time to reply to my post.

Some things I must get off my proverbial chest. I am currently financially ABLE to move to her state however I cannot afford attorneys fees(counsel what have you) on top. I just need to know where I stood legally.

Next abuse CAN be emotional and given I have lived with my sister under that roof I can fully attest in her own way she is abusive to everyone that is in her immediate company. She<mom> is not allowed to be mobile<yes she can still drive so your comment was totally unnecessary re:how you feel about the elderly driving/somewhat to clarify means she doesnt drive all the time>, make financial decisions or as I stated quite clearly allowed to have her own son in her domicile. You tell me thats right? I have zero criminal record nor have I been erratic in temperament and only tried a civil discourse with said sibling with regards to allowing my mother more freedoms. This is a Patty Hearst like situation I see just getting worse as time goes by. I would gladly move back and take care of my mother myself rather than see her under continual house arrest.

My sister NEVER moved into her home, shes never MOVED out, ever lived on her own. You see she and her husband cannot afford a place of their own so they parasitically lived off mom for a very long time.

Btw to make it clear mom is not pitching us at one another. My sister has a history of prior drug abuse(clean for over a decade) and she for year frequented a psychiatrist who recommended medication which she absolved herself from administering. Her husband was a counselor and will not call her out on this.

I also want to respond to this insipid and out of place comment "When you start, from 3000 miles away, throwing around terms like, 'emotionally worn' it's quite frankly, worthless." This is advice that no one in my situation needs to read and quite frankly its heartless. So are we as human beings supposed to just shove our emotions aside? I understand you must handle this logically but anyone that you love being emotionally abuse is a drain on the senses unless you are a narcissist.

I am going to have to try and get her to do a reversal of POA or at the least perhaps limit the POA its the only alternative. Thank you again everyone no need to continue the thread.

 

[LdiJ]

Hello,

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who took the time to reply to my post.

Some things I must get off my proverbial chest. I am currently financially ABLE to move to her state however I cannot afford attorneys fees(counsel what have you) on top. I just need to know where I stood legally.

Next abuse CAN be emotional and given I have lived with my sister under that roof I can fully attest in her own way she is abusive to everyone that is in her immediate company. She<mom> is not allowed to be mobile<yes she can still drive so your comment was totally unnecessary re:how you feel about the elderly driving/somewhat to clarify means she doesnt drive all the time>, make financial decisions or as I stated quite clearly allowed to have her own son in her domicile. You tell me thats right? I have zero criminal record nor have I been erratic in temperament and only tried a civil discourse with said sibling with regards to allowing my mother more freedoms. This is a Patty Hearst like situation I see just getting worse as time goes by. I would gladly move back and take care of my mother myself rather than see her under continual house arrest.

My sister NEVER moved into her home, shes never MOVED out, ever lived on her own. You see she and her husband cannot afford a place of their own so they parasitically lived off mom for a very long time.

Btw to make it clear mom is not pitching us at one another. My sister has a history of prior drug abuse(clean for over a decade) and she for year frequented a psychiatrist who recommended medication which she absolved herself from administering. Her husband was a counselor and will not call her out on this.

I also want to respond to this insipid and out of place comment "When you start, from 3000 miles away, throwing around terms like, 'emotionally worn' it's quite frankly, worthless." This is advice that no one in my situation needs to read and quite frankly its heartless. So are we as human beings supposed to just shove our emotions aside? I understand you must handle this logically but anyone that you love being emotionally abuse is a drain on the senses unless you are a narcissist.

I am going to have to try and get her to do a reversal of POA or at the least perhaps limit the POA its the only alternative. Thank you again everyone no need to continue the thread.

Do you realize that a POA does not give someone authority over the person who gave them the POA? It only gives them permission to act on the person's part when they are unable to do so themselves. Only a guardianship gives someone authority over the person.

If your sibling is mismanaging your mother's money, or things like that, then revoking the POA would be important. What your mother really needs to do is stand up for herself.

 

[Shadowbunny]

OP, if your Mom is unhappy she can do as mentioned earlier and 1) revoke the POA and 2) evict your sister/BIL. If she is unwilling to do so, and is competent to make her own decisions, then there is nothing you can do.

 

[bcr229]

I am currently financially ABLE to move to her state however I cannot afford attorneys fees(counsel what have you) on top. I just need to know where I stood legally.

Then why not move back and see for yourself what the exact situation is? If your mother is truly being exploited you can report it at https://www.myflfamilies.com/service-programs/adult-protective-services/ so the county or state can investigate and put a stop to it.

 

[commentator]

Because "emotional abuse" is a bunch of nothing except bickering and hurt my feelings, and doing things I don't like, and not giving me my "fair share".........and I here on the message board am such a narcissist (sadist, perhaps?) that I don't feel sorry for people who think that it gives them the right to lie around and cry and die, (emotionally, of course, not literally!) or even sue and expect to be sympathized with by a court system that has seen the real thing.

This poster is reviving old family stories, (been on drugs, now clean for how many years, actually husband is a counselor? Verbally mean to people, won't take her meds.....) .yet she's gotten to live in mother's house for how long, (and I haven't.) And mother probably had a lot less dementia than she does now when all that began going on, and she elected to allow the daughter to live there, with her husband. As long as she is not ready for guardianship, which is way past daughter-having-a-POA-so-she-could-put mother-in-the-hospital and sign things for her if she is unable, Mother is the one who is going to have to change how her care is given, elect to evict the two long term residents of her house, demand a different living situation.

If it isn't bad enough for you to go up there, get your own place to stay while visiting, still after the trip up and having to stay somewhere else, have enough money to approach this situation legally with representation, able with your mother's consent and agreement to demonstrate a real and serious problem going on there, and ready and willing to take over the care of your mother yourself, there's not much else you even need to talk about.

 

[t74]

Since your mother may have dementia, an assessment by a geriatric physician and psychologist would be a benefit. The physician may be able to determine if intervention by an impartial individual as to your mother's situation is warranted.


(The fact she may be mentally limited but still driving scares me.)

 

[commentator]

Thank you, t74! I'm not actually such a hard hearted baddie. And I have done a lot of eldercare issues.

Quote: "yes she can still drive so your comment was totally unnecessary re:how you feel about the elderly driving/somewhat to clarify means she doesnt drive all the time"

Actually I am a great fan of the elderly driving, as this is getting very close to describing me! I do know that if you get out of practice, it gets harder. And if you have this to deal with......

Quote; "My mother does not have Alzheimer's however she suffers from a little bit of late set dementia she is also somewhat mobile when shes allowed to use her own car".... this adds a whole new level of possible complications.

There are many cases you see when people with dementia become confused while driving and forget where they're going. Or simply miss their cues and don't stop at the stop sign. I would strongly suspect that the people who are in daily contact with this person's mother are in much better position to decide whether or not she should be driving, though the mother may really believe she's okay to do so. Caregiving is hard. The famous old cliché about "the daughter from out of town" is a great reality that happens with astonishing frequency in eldercare and end of life issues. Mother is going to have the final say until she is deemed no longer capable of having it.

 

[LdiJ]

Because "emotional abuse" is a bunch of nothing except bickering and hurt my feelings, and doing things I don't like, and not giving me my "fair share".........and I here on the message board am such a narcissist (sadist, perhaps?) that I don't feel sorry for people who think that it gives them the right to lie around and cry and die, (emotionally, of course, not literally!) or even sue and expect to be sympathized with by a court system that has seen the real thing.

If you think that emotional abuse or verbal abuse is nothing more than bickering and hurt feelings, then you have never experienced how violent verbal and emotional abuse can be. It also can be very damaging and insidious to vulnerable people if it goes on for a long period of time.

 

[t74]

I have had a parent with memory issues that insisted on driving dispute us and her dorctor being against it. She went to the store less than 1/2 mile from her apartment and got lost returning home.

I do not care what the elderly person does herself while driving,. I care about others in the community. In my city. there have been a n umber of incidents when the elderly driver ended up in the storefront and killed people or did not stop for road work and asheared the legs off of a worker. So you plan to wait until she kills or maims an innocent person before taking away her access to a weapon (i.e. a car without a competent driver behind the wheel).

FWIW, I have given up driving because of my health, and I am only 70. The inconvenience to me, and yes it is a great inconvenience, is nothing compared to what I would feel if I happened to kill a child because I did not see him riding his bike or crossing in front of the school bus.

I have also been in your position both caring for a parent in my home and dealing with an inlaw caring for a parent-in law-at a distance. I have been dealing with the aftermath of financial exploitation of an elderly relative and have gotten really smart far too late. But with your attitude, I'll share my insights with someone who might appreciate it.

 

[commentator]

In my long life, I've dealt with many things. I'm unfortunately very familiar with abuse of most all kinds, physical, mental, emotional elder, child, partner, marital, you name it. In a perfect world, none of these things would ever happen. However, I believe that in today's society, we have developed somewhat of a culture of victimhood, (Can I sue? I've been abused!) where people are crying a bit often about people who are "emotionally abusing" them.

It is sounding like that perhaps his perception of the sister speaking harshly to his mother or trying to control whether she drives or not is not anywhere in the same ballpark with stealing her money, feeding her poorly, slapping her, keeping her from proper medical care, or threatening and terrorizing her. If the OP thinks things like THIS are going on he definitely needs to go and rescue his mother. Doesn't really sound like he has either the means or the conviction to follow through with this.

The tone and complaints and instances of emotional abuse that this poster is carrying on about in relation to the situation between his sister and his mother, which he is nowhere around and is hearing this only from his mother (who, don't forget, is the one who has allowed her daughter to live with her for many years now) makes me feel less concerned about the situation than I might be. And then when I pointed out some things, and was not 100% understanding and caring and reinforcing to him, he accuses me of being "heartless" and telling him he should "just shove his emotions aside." It's just a little too snowflaky, IMHO.

 

[LdiJ]

I have had a parent with memory issues that insisted on driving dispute us and her dorctor being against it. She went to the store less than 1/2 mile from her apartment and got lost returning home.

I have also had a parent with memory issues that insisted on driving despite the fact that he probably should not have been driving. My mother didn't finally yank the car keys until the third time the police called her to come and get him because he was lost and disoriented.

I do not care what the elderly person does herself while driving,. I care about others in the community. In my city. there have been a n umber of incidents when the elderly driver ended up in the storefront and killed people or did not stop for road work and asheared the legs off of a worker. So you plan to wait until she kills or maims an innocent person before taking away her access to a weapon (i.e. a car without a competent driver behind the wheel).

Yes, but for every elderly person like your family member and my father, there are hundreds, maybe even thousands of them who are of no danger to themselves or others.

FWIW, I have given up driving because of my health, and I am only 70. The inconvenience to me, and yes it is a great inconvenience, is nothing compared to what I would feel if I happened to kill a child because I did not see him riding his bike or crossing in front of the school bus.

You made a decision based on your health. That does not mean that every person who is in your general age bracket should make the same decision.

I have also been in your position both caring for a parent in my home and dealing with an inlaw caring for a parent-in law-at a distance. I have been dealing with the aftermath of financial exploitation of an elderly relative and have gotten really smart far too late. But with your attitude, I'll share my insights with someone who might appreciate it.

What attitude? I do not see this poster as having an "attitude" in any way, shape or form.