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Adopted by g-parents....

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What is the name of your state? Missouri

Hi, my name is ashley. I am 14yrs old. I live w/ my g-parents, they havent adopted me but have custody right now. My mom was 15 when she had me, and got pregnant 2 yrs later w/ my lil sister and they kicked her out but kept me. Their relationship has been bad. They raised me as me knowing them as mom and dad till I was 10. When I was 10 yrs old they sat me down and told me that I wasnt their daughter the person I thought my sister was. Well see, they always told me that my mom didnt want me (which I recently found out was a lie) and they also told me they didnt know who my dad was (also a lie) I have started talking to my mom recently, about 8 weeks ago or so. They gave us permission to see each other but now are taken it away. Is this even their place?? My mom wants to take me away but we dont know what our legal rights are. My mom doesnt have tons of money and has other kids, she is afraid if she gets a lawyer and tried to get me that it wont work. And we also know how my g-parents are, they are really mean people. If she gets me they will make it awful for us, that is just how they are. Also real quick, my g-pa used to french kiss me when i was younger, her called it licking tongues.....is this a form of molestation.....thank u for your help! God bless


Senior Member
Life comes with a lot of regrets sometimes. It seems that your mother is going through some regrets now. She regets that she was not able to raise you as her own child, but at the time, she wasn't. She was a child, a misbehaving child, and one that did not learn from her mistakes until she was much older and had at least one more child.

In the meantime, your grandparents have loved you, sacrificed for you, and provided for you. You have now reached the age when most adolescents rebel and start to looking for ways to escape the restrictions of parental control. This is a normal developmental process that leads to independence as an adult. Problems occur when someone your age leaves their home before they are ready.

Unfortunately, when your parents, your grandparents, allowed you to see your birth mother and to know her as your birth mother, problems developed. Your birth mother should be supporting you in your life with your parents and not trying to get you to turn your back on the people who are your parents, legally and by what they have provided to you.

I have seen adults engaged in the gross 'tongue-licking' game with small children, as I have seen children doing the same thing. In fact, I saw my own children doing it and I was not pleased at all; I made some kind of shrieking noise and stomped my feet, if I recall.

It is quite different from french kissing. It is gross, and I'm sure some people would call it abuse. They would be the same ones who over-react to almost any given situation.

You need to settle down and be thankful that your grandparents provided you with a home far better than your mother could have at that point in her life, when she was sexually promiscuous and totally irresponsible.

There is a way for you to have a great relationship with your birth mother and your siblings without alienating or being disrespectful to your grandparents. Please make finding that way your priority and apologize at once to your grandparents for any cruel things you have said to them or done since this series of problems developed.

You need the safe, healthy home they provide.

As a note on your legal questions--your parents, which are your grandparents, have custody and I seriously doubt that would be changed in a court of law.

Focus on the good things in your life with them and in their love for you and let go of this other mess which will only serve to hurt those who have done so much for you, and which will serve to hurt you in the long-run.

Best wishes--now go hug your parents and give them a kiss on the cheek or the forehead.



Thank you for replying. I do see some of the things that you said. I relize that they sacrificed for me and everything. But why cant they see I want to be with my mom? You referred to them as my parents, they might have "raised" me but they arent my parents. In my view I would have been better off w/o them. My mom loves me where they dont. Even if they do they dont know how to show it. If love is constantly comparing me and putting me down, telling me i'm a waste of space then they love me more then any "parent" could love their child.

AS for what I said about my g-pa doing to me, are you saying its not abuse? I didnt know alot of parents did this.

And also I shouldnt even try and go to court? We wont win? Do you think it would just cause more problems?

Again thank you for answering, I didnt know the response would be so quick!



Senior Member

You seem like a nice young lady who is going through a difficult stage in your life. There is no possible way for me to explain to you the love of parents (your grandparents) for their children. Your birth mother is their little newborn baby, their toddler, their pre-schooler, their young teenager; and, she hurt them very, very badly. They didn't turn their backs on her when she hurt them the first time or the next who-knows-how-many times. When she proved she was not going to behave in a manner that allowed her to stay in their home and under their love and care, they made a painful and right decision to send her on her way. If they had hated her, they wouldn't cared what she did.

Your grandparents, who you must realize are your parents, seem like decent, loving people. No one is perfect and no one makes everyone feel treated 100% fairly or even 100% fully respected. That's life; that's human nature; that's an impossible standard to set for someone to follow.

Most girls your age think thier parents hate them, don't understand them, don't have a clue what life is all about. It's OK to have those feelings and ideas; it's part of the process of growing up. Nothing in your life is not in turmoil at this age--your body is doing weird things, your emotions are energized, your thinking is speeded up, your energy is either way high or way low.
It is a challenging age and a fun age and at the same time, it is an age when you feel like something is just not right. All of that is normal.

Sadly, your biological mother did not complete this stage of her growing up by remaining a child and completing all the stages of growing up. She jumped overboard into adult life without ever finishing her childhood. No wonder you feel so close to her; she is emotionally the same age that you are. She knows how to feed the restlessness within you and she knows how to make you resent your parents, who are her parents also. Biologically, she is your mother; emotionally and psychologically, she is your sister. You would probably benefit from enjoying a sister-sister relationship with her more than a parent/child relationship with her. Your mother has many unresolved emotional issues and you are not the answer. You are not her tool of revenge on her parents and you are not the bandaid for her wounds.

Back to your legal questions--I do not see any cause for a change in custody and as dorenephilpot did not correct my analysis, she must be in agreement that you have no cause for a change in custody. dorenephilpot is an attorney, as far as I know.

Alot of parents and alot of people do some really wierd and gross things that I find offensive or gross or even 'sick'; but just because I don't like the actions, or other people don't like the actions, those actions don't suddenly constitute abuse. They may reach a point of abuse, but in and of themselves, the acts are not abusive.

Small children are fascinated with their body parts, including the tongue. The tongue is a sensory organ; that's why babies put everything into their mouths--worms, marbles, frogs, bowel movements, etc.--they are checking it out with all of their senses.
I wasn't there, but I'd be willing to bet, your tongue was a busy organ and somehow, maybe from seeing adults kiss, you had an interest in tongue-to-tongue contact. I like to think that as a child, I never did anything like that, but I have no idea if I did or didn't.

So, bottom line is this--you have a challenge in front of you. Your challenge is to develop a healthy relationship with your birth mother while keeping in mind that she is emotionally very close to your age and unable to function at a higher level because of choices she made when she was close to your age. That does not mean she is a bad person. You must develop an honest love for her, not a love for who you want her to be or who she wishes she were. Your challenge also includes maintaining a healthy relationship with your parents, your grandparents, who will be much wiser and much more loving in about seven years. Trust me.

I see much potential in you for your having a good life and I wish you the best in your pursuits of happiness and in life.
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