advice on teen

[handyhat]

What is the name of your state?

I have a short question with a long background but will try to make it brief.

I have a 16 year old son, shared parental right/responsibilities, pri**** residence with father.

Son drives (license, car) terrific grades in honors classes, involved in sports.

For various reasons (after school activities, teen social life, father spoils rotten ) I have not been too involved in his life of late, but have open door policy where he visits frequently and I call a lot.

Dad got new job required him to go out of town for training this week. He decided to leave son in charge of home while away..I insisted I would go over from 4- 8 cook dinner, take care of animals, make sure everything ok.

(Dad and I are good friends)

First day, yesterday, left son a note on way by that I would be back between 4-5. Show up at 5, his car there, another car there..has company. Go in downstairs, unattended lit kersosene lamp on table. Go upstairs, house full of pot and cig smoke, group of teens in circle on floor of his room with paraphenalia in middle.

Now, this part I made some mistakes, ream me if you want...

I asked son to come downstairs with me. Proceeded to shout at him. Told him kids had to leave, what was he thinking, etc. Kids overheard, left through upstairs door. Told son I should call the cops..he was not to drive or I would call the cops...

Made him come home with me, got him up in the am and got him back to Dad's to get ready for school.

I was going to make him take the bus..he started crying begging me to let him take his car as he had afterschool stuff..grilled him on that..ended up agreeing to let him take car and him promising to be back to Dad's at 5. I told him nobody to come over..he asked about his girlfriend and I said no..he started crying again (she goes to his Dad's quite often, was not there at the time the **** hit the fan last night) I said ok, but when he took her home he was to come to my house. (I plan to be there 4-8 as said earlier). He begged and pleaded said he wanted to sleep at his Dad's...has his computer, books, etc there. I told him two nights is not going to break him. He left crying.

So, I don't think I should have even let him take the car to punish him..but overall he is a good kid, does well in school...should I insist he comes back to my house tonight?

 

[Zephyr]

there isn't really a legal question there... but if I were this kids parent he would be on total lock down for at least a couple weeks, i.e. no car, no phone, no going anywhere, no having friends over

while he may do well in school, and at his sports, what will happen to all that, not to mention his own health and safety, if he were to start racking up the drug charges, he needs to know how serious this is

 

[HomeGuru]

What is the name of your state?

I have a short question with a long background but will try to make it brief.

I have a 16 year old son, shared parental right/responsibilities, pri**** residence with father.

Son drives (license, car) terrific grades in honors classes, involved in sports.

For various reasons (after school activities, teen social life, father spoils rotten ) I have not been too involved in his life of late, but have open door policy where he visits frequently and I call a lot.

Dad got new job required him to go out of town for training this week. He decided to leave son in charge of home while away..I insisted I would go over from 4- 8 cook dinner, take care of animals, make sure everything ok.

(Dad and I are good friends)

First day, yesterday, left son a note on way by that I would be back between 4-5. Show up at 5, his car there, another car there..has company. Go in downstairs, unattended lit kersosene lamp on table. Go upstairs, house full of pot and cig smoke, group of teens in circle on floor of his room with paraphenalia in middle.

Now, this part I made some mistakes, ream me if you want...

I asked son to come downstairs with me. Proceeded to shout at him. Told him kids had to leave, what was he thinking, etc. Kids overheard, left through upstairs door. Told son I should call the cops..he was not to drive or I would call the cops...

Made him come home with me, got him up in the am and got him back to Dad's to get ready for school.

I was going to make him take the bus..he started crying begging me to let him take his car as he had afterschool stuff..grilled him on that..ended up agreeing to let him take car and him promising to be back to Dad's at 5. I told him nobody to come over..he asked about his girlfriend and I said no..he started crying again (she goes to his Dad's quite often, was not there at the time the **** hit the fan last night) I said ok, but when he took her home he was to come to my house. (I plan to be there 4-8 as said earlier). He begged and pleaded said he wanted to sleep at his Dad's...has his computer, books, etc there. I told him two nights is not going to break him. He left crying.

So, I don't think I should have even let him take the car to punish him..but overall he is a good kid, does well in school...should I insist he comes back to my house tonight?

**A: it's a good thing that was not MY kid.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state?

I have a short question with a long background but will try to make it brief.

I have a 16 year old son, shared parental right/responsibilities, pri**** residence with father.

Son drives (license, car) terrific grades in honors classes, involved in sports.

For various reasons (after school activities, teen social life, father spoils rotten ) I have not been too involved in his life of late, but have open door policy where he visits frequently and I call a lot.

Dad got new job required him to go out of town for training this week. He decided to leave son in charge of home while away..I insisted I would go over from 4- 8 cook dinner, take care of animals, make sure everything ok.

(Dad and I are good friends)

First day, yesterday, left son a note on way by that I would be back between 4-5. Show up at 5, his car there, another car there..has company. Go in downstairs, unattended lit kersosene lamp on table. Go upstairs, house full of pot and cig smoke, group of teens in circle on floor of his room with paraphenalia in middle.

Now, this part I made some mistakes, ream me if you want...

I asked son to come downstairs with me. Proceeded to shout at him. Told him kids had to leave, what was he thinking, etc. Kids overheard, left through upstairs door. Told son I should call the cops..he was not to drive or I would call the cops...

Made him come home with me, got him up in the am and got him back to Dad's to get ready for school.

I was going to make him take the bus..he started crying begging me to let him take his car as he had afterschool stuff..grilled him on that..ended up agreeing to let him take car and him promising to be back to Dad's at 5. I told him nobody to come over..he asked about his girlfriend and I said no..he started crying again (she goes to his Dad's quite often, was not there at the time the **** hit the fan last night) I said ok, but when he took her home he was to come to my house. (I plan to be there 4-8 as said earlier). He begged and pleaded said he wanted to sleep at his Dad's...has his computer, books, etc there. I told him two nights is not going to break him. He left crying.

So, I don't think I should have even let him take the car to punish him..but overall he is a good kid, does well in school...should I insist he comes back to my house tonight?

IF you are just asking for moral advice~ I'd recommend contacting the other teen's parents and let them know what was going on.

And I agree with previous poster~ This would be serious enough <IMO> to have kid on lock-down, good grades or not.

A long talk with Dad when he returns will also help that Dad keep a 'look out' for any future behavior like this- and obviously this lesson is that child is not mature enough to stay alone yet.

 

[stealth2]

And a very good thing he's not mine. WTF is with you giving in to his crying that he won't get to drive his car and he won't get to see girly and he won't get to do whatever? Hell no! No, he doesn't get to sleep at Daddy's w/o you there, no he doesn't get access to his computer, or his video games or his cell phone. H'es grounded. COMPLETELY!

I'd have called his Dad and told him that you're staying with kid until Dad gets home and the restrictions you're imposing. PERIOD.

 

[handyhat]

Thanks guys for letting me have it! I do feel like I was caving into him. I have always been the softie and I think he was 'shocked' that I lost it. I do feel like I shouldn't have given him the concessions I did..and those were before coffee so I guess I wasn't thinking clearly!

My mother was a control freak and I left home and supported myself at an early age (got emancipated at 16)so I have nothing to go by but the way I was raised.

Interestingly, I realized by my anger and comparing it to the way my mother might have reacted..I was doing it because I CARE about him...and I thought my mother never cared about me...

So, I am making him come back here tonight and showing him your replies. I thought I should have found out who those kids were and called their parents..way after the fact! I like to think that my son would pick friends whose parents keep a rein on them as well.

I would like to have a measure of trust with my son...aarrgh feel very frustrated and still mad at him.

Thanks again for your replies, know it wasn't really a leagal question for this forum, just needed to here that it was ok to crack down on him.