Advice Please

[huntersmommy06]

What is the name of your state? Florida

I'll try to make this as short as possible. I filed for divorce on Christmas Eve 2004, after my husband left my 19 month old son and myself with nothing. My husband never cared for our son. Slept until 2:00pm everyday, was on alot of pain medication and began smoking marijuana (all of which, I have no hard proof of.......sigh), he also began some disturbing behavior, such as viewing pornographic pictures (a very naked Pam Anderson and Club Magazine) and movies like Striptease NR version, and American Pie (not appropriate at all!!!!!!!!) with my 10 year old neighbor boy, and my 9 year old nephew.........also talking about sex and other definately innappropriate topics. All of which I have no solid proof of other than my nephew and neighbor (minors as it would be). I expressed my concerns to my attorney, he said he will be going for daylight visitation for my son and not to let him take him as he moved 2 hours away (diff county etc...) My husband has now hired an attorney who instructed him to show up to take my son overnight and if I refuse, call the police for documentation purposes, and build a case against me for refusal of visitation. I have allowed my husband to visit with my son at my home EVERY WEEKEND, and encouraged outings as well, I have just refused overnights (reasons stated above). I want a positive relationship between my son and his dad, however my concerns for overnights, I feel are justifiable. What do I do in this situation?? Can I do anything??? I am not refusing visits; just overnights. Is he really building a case, and if so, HOW can I STOP HIM??? Advice Please.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? Florida

I'll try to make this as short as possible. I filed for divorce on Christmas Eve 2004, after my husband left my 19 month old son and myself with nothing. My husband never cared for our son. Slept until 2:00pm everyday, was on alot of pain medication and began smoking marijuana (all of which, I have no hard proof of.......sigh), he also began some disturbing behavior, such as viewing pornographic pictures (a very naked Pam Anderson and Club Magazine) and movies like Striptease NR version, and American Pie (not appropriate at all!!!!!!!!) with my 10 year old neighbor boy, and my 9 year old nephew.........also talking about sex and other definately innappropriate topics. All of which I have no solid proof of other than my nephew and neighbor (minors as it would be). I expressed my concerns to my attorney, he said he will be going for daylight visitation for my son and not to let him take him as he moved 2 hours away (diff county etc...) My husband has now hired an attorney who instructed him to show up to take my son overnight and if I refuse, call the police for documentation purposes, and build a case against me for refusal of visitation. I have allowed my husband to visit with my son at my home EVERY WEEKEND, and encouraged outings as well, I have just refused overnights (reasons stated above). I want a positive relationship between my son and his dad, however my concerns for overnights, I feel are justifiable. What do I do in this situation?? Can I do anything??? I am not refusing visits; just overnights. Is he really building a case, and if so, HOW can I STOP HIM??? Advice Please.

The police are going to get really fed up with that...no court orders and your ex calling the police...that was BAD advice from his attorney as far as I am concerned. You are not entirely refusing visitation and your attorney is building a case for no overnights...I don't think his police reports are going to hurt you....particularly if you make sure that the police include in the report that you aren't denying vistiation, just overnights on the advice of your attorney.

What a way for him to also prove that he cares about the best interest of the kids...yeah, lets traumatize them by bring the police around every time dad shows up...sigh.

 

[huntersmommy06]

Good Logic, thank you. Sometimes emotions get the better of me, and I panic! I did make sure that the deputy heard me ask him to come in and see his son this evening, and he refused, only wanted him overnight. Personally, I feel like he just wants to get at me, not really see his son, otherwise, he would have run right in to give his son a hug and kiss goodnight!

 

[rmet4nzkx]

You are going to cause yourself big problems. Your husband has as much right to the child as you, until there are court orders stating otherwise. Right now you are denying visitation, you knew he was comming and did not have the child ready. In the past you have only allowd him to visit in your home. You say the words but they are empty. You are making a lot of accusations you cannot prove. How is your husband looking at a picture of Pamala Anderson much different than you nursing your child at 19 months? Some people here will tell you what you want to hear and others will tell you the law, which may not be what you want to hear.

 

[LdiJ]

Good Logic, thank you. Sometimes emotions get the better of me, and I panic! I did make sure that the deputy heard me ask him to come in and see his son this evening, and he refused, only wanted him overnight. Personally, I feel like he just wants to get at me, not really see his son, otherwise, he would have run right in to give his son a hug and kiss goodnight!

Just listen to what your attorney has to say. Your attorney knows best.

 

[huntersmommy06]

Actually, I did not know he was coming. We have established Sat visits at 11:00am on a regular basis, this was a NEW OCCURANCE. He was not denied visitation, just overnight. I have also ENCOURAGED outings, however, he had no INSUARANCE on his truck for 4 months!!! American Acadamy of Pediatrics does reccommend breastfeeding until 2 years of age (and is also a personal decision). The pics of Pammy were viewed by my 31 year old husband and 2 boys under the age of 17 (9&10). That is definately not RIGHT. Breastfeeding is NOURISHMENT and prevents babies, from allergies and builds a strong immune system, hardly the same thing.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

The point is in this thread you stated that he was comming for overnight visitations which you were complaining about last week too, you didn't want him to take the child at all. You set the visitations. You were trying to use breastfeeding to prevent visitation.

New Breastfeeding Guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 15 No. 2, March - April 1998, p. 45

New guidelines on breastfeeding issued by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) on December 1, 1997, were greeted with strong approval by officials and members of La Leche League International, the world's foremost authority on breastfeeding.

The AAP statement recommends mothers breastfeed for at least the first twelve months of life and as long after as is mutually desired. "This guideline affirms the value of allowing babies to breastfeed beyond infancy, weaning gradually without an outside time frame and thereby providing a more satisfying breastfeeding experience for both mother and child," says Betty Crase, Director of the Center for Breastfeeding Information at La Leche League International headquarters.

Those are the guidelines-NOT 2 years and nothing in the guidlines that you can't pump milk or use formula. I breastfeed both my children so I know what's involved, you are not the first woman to breastfeed your child. To your child and your child alone, a picture of Pam Anderson isn't going to sway the judge, not if your child is exposed everyday to your breast. It doesn't matter about your nephew or a neighbor boy see. Let me tell you something, while girls may be "icky" little 9 & 10 yo boys, they are talking sex and stealing girlie magazines. So your husband looking at moves for mature audiances or looking at Pam Anderson is not going to prevent him from visitation, you denying visitation will work against you, you don't get to make the rules the judge will make the rules. Your husband will have to learn what it is like to take care of a child. Making a lot of marginal or unfounded accusations will work against you, so you better work toward your child and his father having a good relationship.

 

[huntersmommy06]

rmet4nzkx

All I have seen so far, is that you just live for an argument. I mean, really, do you have anything better to do with your time? Like spend it with your kids??? You are on here all the time looking for a fight. Are you by chance a VIRGO??? I was looking for some advice and to see if my concerns were even valid. As I stated in the original post, I have no proof of those things, and I am quite aware that unless I do, they are all just accusations.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

All I have seen so far, is that you just live for an argument. I mean, really, do you have anything better to do with your time? Like spend it with your kids??? You are on here all the time looking for a fight. Are you by chance a VIRGO??? I was looking for some advice and to see if my concerns were even valid. As I stated in the original post, I have no proof of those things, and I am quite aware that unless I do, they are all just accusations.

I'm here to help people, sometimes that means telling you things you don't want to hear, but if I don't tell you, later you will be saying nobody told me that.

You have been dwelling on how unfit your husband is based on things you cannot prove or the court will not consider, so you better focus on building a good relationship with your child's father, including allowing him time with the child alone. He has that right, you don't have any orders in place to supervise and limit his visitation. The only reason he cannot do some things is because you won't let him. You also know he is building a case against you for denying his visitation and word games and spin won't make it in court.

Insofar as my children, mine are grown and I have grandchildren also, whom I speak with regularly because the live far away and one of my sons is is Iraq, so difficult to be doing things with him just now. No, I'm not a Virgo and that doesn't have anything to do with legal issues.

YOU need to focus on building a positive relationship between your child and their father and quite making excuses for your immature and selfish behavior.

 

[huntersmommy06]

I am not a selfish or immature person, I am just scared to death that my husband will not bring my baby home. My son and I have NEVER been apart, not even while my husband lived with us. Unless there is a court order for him to bring him back at the end of the weekend, I know that legally he does not have to do so as he has as much rights as I do. I apologize to you for arguing as well, but this is a very emotional time for me and I was just hoping for some advice that could work for my son, my husband, and myself. When he left, he originally stated that he would wait until two years old for overnights and I felt relieved with having more time to gradually wean my son as he has no desire at all to stop nursing, (it is more of a comfort to him than hunger satisfaction) but since I filed for divorce, that has changed. By the time we even get to court, my son will probably just be turning two, so I just felt that he could have made this a little bit easier, and stuck to our original agreement and not cause any more undue stress as this is STRESSFUL enough.

 

[LdiJ]

I am not a selfish or immature person, I am just scared to death that my husband will not bring my baby home. My son and I have NEVER been apart, not even while my husband lived with us. Unless there is a court order for him to bring him back at the end of the weekend, I know that legally he does not have to do so as he has as much rights as I do. I apologize to you for arguing as well, but this is a very emotional time for me and I was just hoping for some advice that could work for my son, my husband, and myself. When he left, he originally stated that he would wait until two years old for overnights and I felt relieved with having more time to gradually wean my son as he has no desire at all to stop nursing, (it is more of a comfort to him than hunger satisfaction) but since I filed for divorce, that has changed. By the time we even get to court, my son will probably just be turning two, so I just felt that he could have made this a little bit easier, and stuck to our original agreement and not cause any more undue stress as this is STRESSFUL enough.

Hon...listen to your attorney...your attorney knows best.

 

[VeronicaGia]

I am not a selfish or immature person, I am just scared to death that my husband will not bring my baby home. My son and I have NEVER been apart, not even while my husband lived with us. Unless there is a court order for him to bring him back at the end of the weekend, I know that legally he does not have to do so as he has as much rights as I do. I apologize to you for arguing as well, but this is a very emotional time for me and I was just hoping for some advice that could work for my son, my husband, and myself. When he left, he originally stated that he would wait until two years old for overnights and I felt relieved with having more time to gradually wean my son as he has no desire at all to stop nursing, (it is more of a comfort to him than hunger satisfaction) but since I filed for divorce, that has changed. By the time we even get to court, my son will probably just be turning two, so I just felt that he could have made this a little bit easier, and stuck to our original agreement and not cause any more undue stress as this is STRESSFUL enough.

And you don't stop to think that he's worried about the same thing? Meaning you taking the kids and him never seeing them again?

Listen, until there is a court order, both of you have equal rights. Stop saying you "allowed" him to see his own darn kids! Would you like if he took the kids and only "allowed" you to see them when he pleased?

Don't you think this is stressful to him to, having to beg you to "allow" him to see his own kids?

 

[all4daddysgirl]

If I were you I would schedule a consulation with a different attorney. One of the factors that a judge looks at when deciding custody is which parent supports the child in developing/keeping a healthy relationship with the other parent. Not trying to scare you, I just think this is something that you should seriously consider. You know, he will have overnights eventually!