afraid that father may try to get visitation

[jdoerner]

What is the name of your state? CA
I have a 13 year old daughter who has not seen her father
>>>> since she was 2. I have never received child support, as
>>>> the father was never able to be found. With the help of
>>>> child support services, he has been found and now I have a court
>>>> date set in a month. Just days after I received the court
>>>> paperwork regarding my court date, as I am sure he received them
>>>> as well, her father called me at work. I haven't spoken
>>>> with him in over 11 years, and all of a sudden he knows
>>>> where I work. I didn't actually talk to him but he left me
>>>> a messsage saying that we should try to be adults and work
>>>> this out and that he has never had a problem helping me
>>>> out. I have not called him back. A week later he called again and his message is a little nastier, demanding I cal him back. Again I have not called. Now I am afraid that if
>>>> I continue with this court date he will try to take me to
>>>> court for visitation. I do not want that to happen. My
>>>> daughter does not know him and I do not want to put her
>>>> through that emotional rollercoaster. When I was with him
>>>> he was a violent man, with a drug/drinking habit and a
>>>> police record. Since my daughter is 13, would a judge take
>>>> what she has to say about the situation into
>>>> consideration? Any help is appreciated.

 

[SuzieWahoozie]

Take a deep breath and relax, Mom!

You're right...he very well could sue for custody and/or visitation. Does that mean he'll get it? His chances are slim to none.

Custody almost certainly will not change for a man who hasn't given a damn in 11 years. Visitation might be slightly more likely, but not the way you are worried it will occur. They are not just going to insist you drag your daughter out to see her father.

The courts will recognize that he and the child are virtually strangers. If they award visitation, it will most likely be extremely limited - and supervised - at first. It will take time, especially at this point when your daughter is old enough to know what's happening (younger kids are more resilient and open to new people in their lives), and they will move VERY slowly in this case from supervised occasional visits, to unsupervised, to occasional overnights. Given your daughter's age, by the time they get around to full-blown visits, she'll be 18 and it'll all be a moot point!

At 13, your daughter is not old enough to make decisions about custody/visitation on her own, but she can certainly be heard. It seems at this point, he has filed nothing, so you are fretting about nothing. However, if he files, ask the court to appoint a Guardian ad Litem and custody evaluator for your daughter. These people will perform thorough evaluations of the entire situation and they will act as your daughter's "voice" in the courtroom.

If he files now, a judge will most likely see through it as ploy to get revenge because of your petition for support.

Why not call him back? Maybe he's willing to compromise with you...who knows? Maybe he's looking at the CS you're requesting and would agree to pay something, even if not the full amoutn you're requesting, if you forgave some of the arrearages or something like that. Anything you'd get is better than what you get now, which is nothing, right? Only you can decide how far you are willing to compromise on this issue.

Do you have a lawyer? I'd run it by him/her, too.

And most of all, remember, there's a very confused teenager who could easily get caught playing the rope in an ugly tug-of-war. Only you can decide how much of your daughter's happiness you're willing to sacrifice.

 

[absent father]

I'm sorry to say but unless he goes to prison between now and court, he will get visitation. My son is 14 now. His father got lost before he was 1, and when he was served with child support papers he too called me at work. Had a few choice things to say like "You got what you wanted" things like that. After several failed attempts to get out of paying support he decided if he had to pay for it then he wanted to play with it. We were sent to mediation and for the first month we were to meet in a restaurant every Sunday for three hours, then the following month he got him every other weekend. Then after six months he decided to file for custody. He claimed that I threatened him and hid from him dodging service of court papers etc. When actually his mother always knew how to get in touch with me, and I even had to stay at work late one night because I knew threw a coworker that they were trying to serve me, they came early and she told them I would be in later. The custody has not been decided yet, our next step is assessment. But it does seem as though the courts do recognize that this man did abandon his child and even though they gave visitation they are reluctant to change custody. And mind you he has an attorney and I don't. I have just been winging it and showing up. Don't let it get you down too much, I was married to a psycho also and I am hoping that my son is smart enough to see it before he is influenced too much. You just have to trust that you have raised her the right way and she knows when and when to not listen to the advise of her father. Good luck, I really do feel for you because I know it's been hell on my family as well.

 

[Phnx02]

Take a deep breath and relax, Mom!

You're right...he very well could sue for custody and/or visitation. Does that mean he'll get it? His chances are slim to none.

Custody almost certainly will not change for a man who hasn't given a damn in 11 years. Visitation might be slightly more likely, but not the way you are worried it will occur. They are not just going to insist you drag your daughter out to see her father.

The courts will recognize that he and the child are virtually strangers. If they award visitation, it will most likely be extremely limited - and supervised - at first. It will take time, especially at this point when your daughter is old enough to know what's happening (younger kids are more resilient and open to new people in their lives), and they will move VERY slowly in this case from supervised occasional visits, to unsupervised, to occasional overnights. Given your daughter's age, by the time they get around to full-blown visits, she'll be 18 and it'll all be a moot point!

At 13, your daughter is not old enough to make decisions about custody/visitation on her own, but she can certainly be heard. It seems at this point, he has filed nothing, so you are fretting about nothing. However, if he files, ask the court to appoint a Guardian ad Litem and custody evaluator for your daughter. These people will perform thorough evaluations of the entire situation and they will act as your daughter's "voice" in the courtroom.

If he files now, a judge will most likely see through it as ploy to get revenge because of your petition for support.

Why not call him back? Maybe he's willing to compromise with you...who knows? Maybe he's looking at the CS you're requesting and would agree to pay something, even if not the full amoutn you're requesting, if you forgave some of the arrearages or something like that. Anything you'd get is better than what you get now, which is nothing, right? Only you can decide how far you are willing to compromise on this issue.

Do you have a lawyer? I'd run it by him/her, too.

And most of all, remember, there's a very confused teenager who could easily get caught playing the rope in an ugly tug-of-war. Only you can decide how much of your daughter's happiness you're willing to sacrifice.

Not necissarily so. It's 50/50 whether or not a judge will decide it's best for your child to "ease into" visitiations with her father. Some judges don't care or even think about it.....and will automatically award a very liberal visitation schedule to the absent parent immediately. While others are a bit more conservative and will only allow very limited or supervised visits over many months, until they feel it's been long enough for a healthy parent/child relationship to develop.... before extended or overnight visits are allowed. If you are worried about this, don't leave it up to the sole discrection of the judge! Not only make your concerns be known, but also ask for a guardian ad litem to be appointed. In many cases, a GAL will be appointed upon request and his/her fee will be figured into the final costs of BOTH parents, if not free altogether. A GAL is supposed to be an unbiased 3rd party opinion that really represents the best interest of the child only - not for or against any one parent. He/she is kinda like the child's own attorney or counselor. He/she will interview the child alone, and then with both parents seperately to learn what would be best for the child. He/she then reports her findings to the judge and based on her report, rules accordingly. This is really a good thing and you should request it!

 

[LdiJ]

Not necissarily so. It's 50/50 whether or not a judge will decide it's best for your child to "ease into" visitiations with her father. Some judges don't care or even think about it.....and will automatically award a very liberal visitation schedule to the absent parent immediately. While others are a bit more conservative and will only allow very limited or supervised visits over many months, until they feel it's been long enough for a healthy parent/child relationship to develop.... before extended or overnight visits are allowed. If you are worried about this, don't leave it up to the sole discrection of the judge! Not only make your concerns be known, but also ask for a guardian ad litem to be appointed. In many cases, a GAL will be appointed upon request and his/her fee will be figured into the final costs of BOTH parents, if not free altogether. A GAL is supposed to be an unbiased 3rd party opinion that really represents the best interest of the child only - not for or against any one parent. He/she is kinda like the child's own attorney or counselor. He/she will interview the child alone, and then with both parents seperately to learn what would be best for the child. He/she then reports her findings to the judge and based on her report, rules accordingly. This is really a good thing and you should request it!

I honestly don't agree that its 50/50 that a judge will order easing into visitation. After that many years I think its going to happen no matter what. It certainly won't be the kind of phasing in that happens with a very young child....but a judge isn't going to order her to go off for a weekend with someone she has never met.

I have also seen a handful of cases (not many) where a judge has ordered either no visitation or visitation at the child's discretion when the parent comes into the child's life when the child is a teen.

Personally, I think that if dad files for visitation, that mom should request that it start out as theraputic visitation (visitation with a counselor/therapist present). I think that can be very beneficial to a child....and particularly to a teenager.

 

[casa]

I honestly don't agree that its 50/50 that a judge will order easing into visitation. After that many years I think its going to happen no matter what. It certainly won't be the kind of phasing in that happens with a very young child....but a judge isn't going to order her to go off for a weekend with someone she has never met.

I have also seen a handful of cases (not many) where a judge has ordered either no visitation or visitation at the child's discretion when the parent comes into the child's life when the child is a teen.

Personally, I think that if dad files for visitation, that mom should request that it start out as theraputic visitation (visitation with a counselor/therapist present). I think that can be very beneficial to a child....and particularly to a teenager.

I agree. I'm in the same state and this is what happened for my child. It took about a year of consistency and then they were able to exercise a standard visitation schedule. My child was a few years younger.

 

[absent father]

I believe they are right about the GAL. If you can't afford an attorney then at least request a GAL. I wish I had known about these things before we went so far in court. Like I said I just showed up to court dates, I had no idea what any of my rights were. Good Luck Again.