Age of residential decision for a child

[amber10_79]

What is the name of your state? Father/child in Washington state, mother is Oregon state. My ex recently filed for custody of my son, and I don't disagree with it currently, as I've had a hard time lately and want to get back on my feet. It's only been a few months, and my son (who's turning 11 this summer) cries his heart out when it's time to leave a visit with me to go back to his dads, and he's started talking about wanting to live with me again. Though I explained it's not up for him, myself, or his dad anymore; that it's a court decision now. He wanted to move in with his dad last year, so we agreed; within two months, he moved back home with me. He's upset because his dad has him sceduled for so many sports and different things, he doesn't have time to do any of the things kids his age like to do; i.e. playing outside with friends, helping cook meals (he loves to cook). He just seems unhappy with the life he has with his dad; I've raised him alone for the last ten years, so we have an incredibly strong bond. He says he doesn't get alot of love at his dads (he has a new baby brother there, along with hisdads fiancee), and I know he's used to me, because I kiss and hug him all the time, tell him I love him all the time, and I treat him like the responsible kid he is. What is the minimum age in these two states for a child to decide where he wants to live, or the age in which the court will take the childs wants and opinions into account for the final ruling? I have a previous DUI from a few years ago, but I've been in treatment for 18 months, and I don't drink; so that shouldn't be much of a consideration for the court. There are absolutely no drugs in my life, either. He's been well taken care of by me, so there's no concern that he'll be abused or neglected. Thank you for any response, I'd really appreciate it.

 

[penelope10]

What is the name of your state? Father/child in Washington state, mother is Oregon state. My ex recently filed for custody of my son, and I don't disagree with it currently, as I've had a hard time lately and want to get back on my feet. It's only been a few months, and my son (who's turning 11 this summer) cries his heart out when it's time to leave a visit with me to go back to his dads, and he's started talking about wanting to live with me again. Though I explained it's not up for him, myself, or his dad anymore; that it's a court decision now. He wanted to move in with his dad last year, so we agreed; within two months, he moved back home with me. He's upset because his dad has him sceduled for so many sports and different things, he doesn't have time to do any of the things kids his age like to do; i.e. playing outside with friends, helping cook meals (he loves to cook). He just seems unhappy with the life he has with his dad; I've raised him alone for the last ten years, so we have an incredibly strong bond. He says he doesn't get alot of love at his dads (he has a new baby brother there, along with hisdads fiancee), and I know he's used to me, because I kiss and hug him all the time, tell him I love him all the time, and I treat him like the responsible kid he is. What is the minimum age in these two states for a child to decide where he wants to live, or the age in which the court will take the childs wants and opinions into account for the final ruling? I have a previous DUI from a few years ago, but I've been in treatment for 18 months, and I don't drink; so that shouldn't be much of a consideration for the court. There are absolutely no drugs in my life, either. He's been well taken care of by me, so there's no concern that he'll be abused or neglected. Thank you for any response, I'd really appreciate it.

If your asking for future reference (should you be able to handle being the custodial parent again), would the courts listen to what your child wanted?

Children do not get to pick what parent they want to live with. The court will consider what is in the child's best interest at the time that a modification/change is asked for by the non custodial parent.

 

[milspecgirl]

some judges will listen to a child who is 14 or so but no judge is bound by the childs wishes

 

[penelope10]

Here's a good link for Washington State. It deals with the question of when a child has a say so in custody issues (page 20). It states that the court generally frowns upon children being involved in custody issues. (It also states there is no magic age for the court to take the kiddos wishes into consideration---depends on the maturity of the child in question...therefore it's to the courts discretion as to whether to listen to a child or not.) You can also Google for Oregon. Try OR or Oregon Law child custody issues....like I said here's what I found for Washington State:

www.courts.wa.gov/newsinfo/content/pdf/FamilyLawHandbook.pdf

 

[amber10_79]

Well, thank you for the link, and help. I know that they will listen to a childs wishes to some degree, because the judge listened to me when I was a child. As to whoever implied I'm simply not capable of being a custodial parent, that's simply not true. The only reason I am not currently trying to get him back, is finances. I'm not in poverty, but I want to make sure I can re-establish a good quality life for him with me again. I've raisedhim for the last ten years; he's never been abused or neglected, I take him places to feed his knowledge of things he's interested in (such as marine life, baseball). He's by no means, ill taken care of by me. His dad and I both love him immensely, and just want to make sure he's happy. When he's older, if he wants to move in with me again (which he already does), I'm just curious as to what age the judge will consider his opinion. He's very mature for his age, and usually knows what he wants.

 

[penelope10]

Well, thank you for the link, and help. I know that they will listen to a childs wishes to some degree, because the judge listened to me when I was a child. As to whoever implied I'm simply not capable of being a custodial parent, that's simply not true. The only reason I am not currently trying to get him back, is finances. I'm not in poverty, but I want to make sure I can re-establish a good quality life for him with me again. I've raisedhim for the last ten years; he's never been abused or neglected, I take him places to feed his knowledge of things he's interested in (such as marine life, baseball). He's by no means, ill taken care of by me. His dad and I both love him immensely, and just want to make sure he's happy. When he's older, if he wants to move in with me again (which he already does), I'm just curious as to what age the judge will consider his opinion. He's very mature for his age, and usually knows what he wants.

That would have been me and it was not meant to offend. (And I also provided the link for you). You stated that at this time you did not disagree with the Dad being the CP. Please take into consideration that although the court listened to you, the court in WA now has the discretion as to whether or not to listen your son regarding these issues.

I think it takes an extremely brave parent to honestly be able to look at what is in their child's best interest. To put their own wants and needs aside---and that's what I think you are trying to do. I just don't want you to think that getting custody back in the future will necessarily be based on what your son wants.

 

[amber10_79]

That would have been me and it was not meant to offend. (And I also provided the link for you). You stated that at this time you did not disagree with the Dad being the CP. Please take into consideration that although the court listened to you, the court in WA now has the discretion as to whether or not to listen your son regarding these issues.

I think it takes an extremely brave parent to honestly be able to look at what is in their child's best interest. To put their own wants and needs aside---and that's what I think you are trying to do. I just don't want you to think that getting custody back in the future will necessarily be based on what your son wants.

I don't know what he'll want in the future, I just want to be informed in case that is what he wants. I have never, or will, try to force him to be with me; or take him whether he likes it or not. It's hard being away from him, but I know things are ok for him; I just want him to be happy. I'm just asking for future reference, should he decide in the future that he wants to come home. Though, at that point, I'm sure his dad won't try to force him to stay; I would hope not.

 

[penelope10]

I don't know what he'll want in the future, I just want to be informed in case that is what he wants. I have never, or will, try to force him to be with me; or take him whether he likes it or not. It's hard being away from him, but I know things are ok for him; I just want him to be happy. I'm just asking for future reference, should he decide in the future that he wants to come home. Though, at that point, I'm sure his dad won't try to force him to stay; I would hope not.

I hope so too sweetie. Good Luck

 

[kat1963]

How about moving right down the street or at least within the same school district? Co-parenting is always an option. He needs BOTH of you, not one just being a visitor, poor kiddo is torn! Google *parenting plans*.

Good luck!

KAT

 

[stealth2]

What is the name of your state? Father/child in Washington state, mother is Oregon state. My ex recently filed for custody of my son, and I don't disagree with it currently, as I've had a hard time lately and want to get back on my feet. It's only been a few months, and my son (who's turning 11 this summer) cries his heart out when it's time to leave a visit with me to go back to his dads, and he's started talking about wanting to live with me again. Though I explained it's not up for him, myself, or his dad anymore; that it's a court decision now. He wanted to move in with his dad last year, so we agreed; within two months, he moved back home with me. He's upset because his dad has him sceduled for so many sports and different things, he doesn't have time to do any of the things kids his age like to do; i.e. playing outside with friends, helping cook meals (he loves to cook). He just seems unhappy with the life he has with his dad; I've raised him alone for the last ten years, so we have an incredibly strong bond. He says he doesn't get alot of love at his dads (he has a new baby brother there, along with hisdads fiancee), and I know he's used to me, because I kiss and hug him all the time, tell him I love him all the time, and I treat him like the responsible kid he is. What is the minimum age in these two states for a child to decide where he wants to live, or the age in which the court will take the childs wants and opinions into account for the final ruling? I have a previous DUI from a few years ago, but I've been in treatment for 18 months, and I don't drink; so that shouldn't be much of a consideration for the court. There are absolutely no drugs in my life, either. He's been well taken care of by me, so there's no concern that he'll be abused or neglected. Thank you for any response, I'd really appreciate it.

Honestly speaking, I think both you and Dad are giving this kid way too much power in this situation. First he wants to live with Dad, then he doesn't. Then he does, and now he doesn't. I seriously think both of you need to be firm with him and tell him that it is NOT his decision and that you, Dad and the judge will decide what's best for him. Period.

 

[amber10_79]

Honestly speaking, I think both you and Dad are giving this kid way too much power in this situation. First he wants to live with Dad, then he doesn't. Then he does, and now he doesn't. I seriously think both of you need to be firm with him and tell him that it is NOT his decision and that you, Dad and the judge will decide what's best for him. Period.

I agree, and that's why I told him it wasn't up to him; that a court was going to decide. We let him try it the one time, because he brought it up, and his dad kept pushing from there. When he wanted to move home, I certainly wasn't going to tell him no! He's had me the last ten years, he's welcome to come home any time he needs to.
As to the co-parenting: I've considered that, but am not willing to for a few reasons. First, I'm re-entering college shortly, and have already decided, and registered, at where I want to go, based on the programs offered; Two, his dad grew up in that town, so the majority of people are biased. The odds of me successfully settling in in that community are slim, because he's very popular there, as is his girlfriend. And lastly, I have hardly any family there. I'm big on family, so it's hard for me to be away from all my family for months or years at a time; I also believe that's not healthy for my son; to be seperated from his extended family.

 

[onebreath]

Do you communicate with the dad? What does he have to say about whats going on with your son?

 

[amber10_79]

Do you communicate with the dad? What does he have to say about whats going on with your son?

His dad and I used to get along great, and communicate freely. But when he decided he wanted our son to live with him, he was very underhanded about it. He and his girlfriend made unfounded accusations against me, though I hadn't heard a single concern in the ten years prior. Now, I try to talk to them as little as possible, as I'm concerned that anything I say will be twisted to suit their purposes. It's unfortunate, because he and I used to work together really well for our son; now I don't trust him, and I feel betrayed. So that puts another kink in this whole issue.