Another Long Distance Question

[Newlydivmomto4]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California/Virginia

My ex got his orders and is going to Virginia in 1 month. He wants to meet with me to discuss the kids coming to visit him. The kids are 4, 7, 9 and 11. All will be 1 yr older by September. Currently the court orders say: I have full physical and legal custody and he has visitation "as agreed upon by both parents." Which I did not request or fight for, he filed with that.

First Issue: He wants the kids to come visit him this summer. The youngest is not old enough to fly by herself. She turns 5 in September, but I still do not feel good about putting a 5 yr old on a 5 hour cross country flight, even with siblings. He has said why not just drive and I'll meet you half way. I've driven cross country before to move, and doing so with 4 kids to visit their father, that would be 8 days of driving for them minimum. I truly want the kids to be able to see their Dad, but why can't he just come out here to see them? I know that sounds like I am being a controlling ex, but he is wanting me to pay 1/2 for them to go see him. I'm not the one who moved. He has tried pulling the "the military sends me where they need me" card. Which I do not accept because when he called 9 months ago for orders, he was offered orders to stay right he and he refused them.

Second Issue: As of now, he does not have a place to stay in Virginia and does not know his deployment or training schedule. Is it reasonable to put off this discussion until he knows his schedule better along with where he is going to live?

Third Issue: The oldest is having a really difficult time. He is at the point that he does not even claim that his Dad is his Dad anymore. There is a history of verbal abuse and physical abuse here. While married, I will admit I covered for my ex and made the CPS cases go away and left the two of them alone as little as possible. With the court order being "as agreed upon" for visitation, does he have to go visit his Dad? I am encouraging him to go and to voice his opinions and thoughts, but he is not budging. His therapist is suggesting his Dad try to make the first step by calling him etc. I've asked Dad to do that and he has yet to do so (3 wks). I cannot see sending him across the country unwillingly. I would be afraid he would run away or who knows what else.

If you are still reading, I'm sorry for the long post. Thank you in advance for any advice.

 

[daddytj]

I am ex military - and while I do not know the particulers of the situation I would not jump to the conclusion he should be punished for refusing the orders to stay - You know his situation better than me - perhaps he was offered the orders to stay - but would have been required to deploy to Iraq, or to re-enlist for a longer term - or who knows what lese - I have the utmost respect for the military and the structure they have in place to help and support families - but in the end they send you where THEY need you, not your family, and on THEIR terms.

I think it would be reasonable to a point to put the discussion off - however deployments/trainings and be short-term notice - so there may never be a "good" time since things can be fluid.

Could I suggest he fly back, get the kids, and fly with them back to VA? I do agree to a point that he should cary most of the cost - but I'd hate to think cost is the reason they wont be able to see him - what I'm saying is let him know he needs to cover the cost - since he moved - but if reality is he CANT afford it - perhaps you could help a little(just dont let him know you would help a little)

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

I am ex military - and while I do not know the particulers of the situation I would not jump to the conclusion he should be punished for refusing the orders to stay - You know his situation better than me - perhaps he was offered the orders to stay - but would have been required to deploy to Iraq, or to re-enlist for a longer term - or who knows what lese - I have the utmost respect for the military and the structure they have in place to help and support families - but in the end they send you where THEY need you, not your family, and on THEIR terms.

I think it would be reasonable to a point to put the discussion off - however deployments/trainings and be short-term notice - so there may never be a "good" time since things can be fluid.

Could I suggest he fly back, get the kids, and fly with them back to VA? I do agree to a point that he should cary most of the cost - but I'd hate to think cost is the reason they wont be able to see him - what I'm saying is let him know he needs to cover the cost - since he moved - but if reality is he CANT afford it - perhaps you could help a little(just dont let him know you would help a little)

Either unit has the chance of going to Afghanistan or Iraq. Its mostly because he wanted out of California that he refused the orders, we were still married when he refused the orders.

I was thinking about offering to help pay (a little) for them to fly there at Christmas. With him just leaving in May, I can't justify spending the extra money to fly them there 1-2 months after he leaves.

 

[Isis1]

Either unit has the chance of going to Afghanistan or Iraq. Its mostly because he wanted out of California that he refused the orders, we were still married when he refused the orders.

I was thinking about offering to help pay (a little) for them to fly there at Christmas. With him just leaving in May, I can't justify spending the extra money to fly them there 1-2 months after he leaves.

and why is that?

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

Because money doesn't grow on trees, I am not rich, and I am not the one moving. If I start with paying half of the fees, its setting a precedence that I do not believe should be set. It would cost 1500 dollars to fly the 4 of them and one parent to and from w/ an extra trip for the parent. If he wants to visit with the kids, it would cost him 250 to fly here, then stay w/ his family and friends, see them and go back. His response to me suggesting he fly here to visit the kids was, "that would be a waste of my time and money."

 

[MichaCA]

This is a hard problem, as it sounds as long as dad is in the military, how is visitation going to happen in any consistent way if provisions have not been made for the cost of travel. What did he think was going to happen when he moved to VA? Did you two discuss this before he moved? This is the first visit, and he cannot afford? Or he can afford half, but expects you to pay half each time how many times a year? Will he never know when he will be deployed? If you don't send the kids this summer, what if dad not there this Christmas? This is a truly bizarre situation.

If those conversations haven't happened...I think its time you start discussing with dad what his intentions/ideas are for visits with kids in general. I would do that first before trying to work out solutions with dad, and discussing half made plans with the kids.

I don't know your economic status, but what can you afford, say three times a year, without putting off your IRA or going into debt? With the money thing I agree with you about being reasonable, and setting a precedent you can live with.

As far as the 11 year old...I wouldn't suggest he spend the summer with dad simply so he can voice his complaints. Thats not a full on summer deal, thats a letter, or phone conversation, or a over xmas break conversation - only my opinion. I think you either decide its in his best interests to go for the summer, or not...but I wouldn't bank it up to son with that explanation.