Any advice?

[Noelle_71]

Ummm, she is still married to someone else! And she MOVED the kids, while still adjusting to mom and dad not being together AND adjusting to being uprooted from everything they knew, into another man's home and slept with him while her kids were under the same roof. Still married.

I don't care how long sge "knew him" she shoulda kept him at a distance from her kids, at least until the ink was dry on a divorce.

BTW- I knew my husband five years before we got married, but I sure as heck didn't let myself get pregnant by him until AFTER we had a year of marriage togther. Knowing someone a long time does NOT mean one is entitled to be reckless.

All I'm saying is how do we know that the mother and father were living together at the time she left? They could have been living apart for a while. The point I'm making is, there are a lot of what ifs, thats all.
And a legal seperation, how can you think that counts as being married? Maybe I'm naive but I see that a the last nail in the coffin.

 

[ezmarelda]

uummm...Noelle...hun...

...stick around a while and you too shal become a master at jumping to correct assumptions and figuring out the obviously omitted details

 

[rmet4nzkx]

No, she said she's known this man all her life..not a stranger.
There are men out there, case in point the one that I thought was committed to me, that got ME pregnant after 5 years, and was sleeping with another woman behind my back and left me when I told him I was pregnant. How do you feel about that?
Actually, it doesn't matter, it's a legal forum, I'm digressing.
I don't think any of us can judge this woman's personal choices, its not up to us to set moral standards for her and we don't know the whole story..she sounds rational and intelligent to me...shrug.

Knowing him all her life onlymakes it worse for OP and helps prove her bad faith, everything else is irrelevant.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

All I'm saying is how do we know that the mother and father were living together at the time she left? They could have been living apart for a while. The point I'm making is, there are a lot of what ifs, thats all.
And a legal seperation, how can you think that counts as being married? Maybe I'm naive but I see that a the last nail in the coffin.

The "legal" separation under court orders/agreement is a step in the process of NY's no fault divorce, BUT they are still married until the divorce in final, so commiting adultery gives the husband grounds for divorce due to adultery.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

You are assuming an awful lot here.

No, I am basing my response on OP's admissions and knowledge of NY law, you are the one assuming.

She only said they went to court and settled out of court, you can't assume that they were living together, maybe they were apart.

That is irrelevant, all that matters is that they were in the process of a no fault divorce which has seveal provisions including an agreement, living apart for 1 year and a court order, it doesn't matter how long they lived apart, there is a statutory waiting period, once that is completed, given both still consent or break the agreement, a judge grants a divorce after another statutory period of time.

Also, what if HE had cheated and thats why he agreed to give her the children and sign off on her moving out of state.

Irrelevant, don't you think she would have named his faults?

There are a lot of if's here and I really don't feel that anyone should rush to judgement unless she comes back and gives more info.

She has already provided sufficient information to prove her adultery, being pregnant and living with another man while still married is not an IF! What are you smoking?

Now I'm not from NY but my ex and I had a similiar arrangement where we were legally seperated and I moved away with the kids. Yes, he consented, yada yada. There was a point, during their visits, where he tried to keep my children, saying that legally, nothing had been decided, but all I had to do was present the judge here with the agreement and the judge signed an order which I in turn took to the military security police and he had to give them back.

Different state, different rules. Now we see where you are comming from, you too have a lot in common with OP.

I know the situations are different, but don't you think that when a poster comes here asking for advice/assitance, one shouldn't attack her and tell her what she should or shouldn't do with her and her children's lives?

She was given legal information re her situation. Now if someone suggested she get an abortion if she didn't want her husband to know if she had commited adultery, you might call that an attack, even though that is an option, no one attacked her.

There are too many what ifs..Dad could be an abuser, a druggie, an emotional basket case, or he could be normal and a fine father figure.

OP makes no accusations, you are the one assuming!

However, just from reading that he wants to claim a child that he knows is not his, just to cause the mother grief...that says an awful lot, don't you think? Using a child as a pawn..tsk tsk.

THey are still married, it is his child legally, until HE decides to disestablish paternity or there is a court order to determin paternity. THe one makeing the children pawns is OP.

 

[ceara19]

It would really be helpful if the OP would tell everyone EXACTLY what the court order states.

In March of 2006, I received a court order upon consent, vaguely spelling out his rights and that we share joint custody and that I have residential custody and was allowed to move out of state.

She has already admitted that the CO is vague and many of her commits lead me to believe that she did not have an attorney review the document BEFORE she signed it. Based on her lack of familiarity with her states laws, it would not be surprising to find out that she is misinterpreting the original agreement.

The husband and his attorney could have planned things to happen this way all along.

Lure mom into a false sense of security by being friendly and acting agreeable. Take the "agreement" that mom & dad came to and word it in a manner that is intentionally vague and possibly misleading. Let mom to get nice and comfy living with the new boy-toy half way across the country. Wait until he has physical possession of the children as "agreed", giving dad the upper hand. Then go back to court, file for divorce on the grounds that mom's having an affair and ask for custody because she never actually had permission to move the kids to Texas in the first place, even though she was lead to believe that she could.

The fact that she got pregnant was just a bonus.

 

[GrowUp!]

You are assuming an awful lot here. She only said they went to court and settled out of court, you can't assume that they were living together, maybe they were apart.

Umm...who's the one making the ASSumption here? Also, I noticed that the OP stated they "settled out of court", so I am even wondering if a Judge's signature is even on this "legal separation". I am sure the separation is signed by a Judge, but looking at the responses of the OP and how they both were agreeing to it as if they were "single and unmarried"...one has to ask if there is a Judge's signature. If this thought was expressed to their attorneys, I would *think* one of the attorney's would say "umm, what you want to file for is 'divorce' (assuming their attorneys are worth their salt).

Also, what if HE had cheated and thats why he agreed to give her the children and sign off on her moving out of state.

Stop watching Spring prior to posting. Look at who's making ASSumptions here. It's irrelevant anyway. You can't get better proof of adultery than being impregnated by another dude.

There are a lot of if's here and I really don't feel that anyone should rush to judgement unless she comes back and gives more info.

Practice what you preach.

I know the situations are different, but don't you think that when a poster comes here asking for advice/assitance, one shouldn't attack her and tell her what she should or shouldn't do with her and her children's lives? There are too many what ifs..Dad could be an abuser, a druggie, an emotional basket case, or he could be normal and a fine father figure.

OMG...to quote Snoop Dogg: "so much drama in the LBC..."

However, just from reading that he wants to claim a child that he knows is not his, just to cause the mother grief...that says an awful lot, don't you think? Using a child as a pawn..tsk tsk.

Umm...you don't seem to get it. THEY ARE STILL LEGALLY MARRIED!!!! You do know what that means when a child is born in a marriage, regardless if it's from an affair or not, right?

 

[katinmaine]

Ooh My...

You know...Hanging the Adultress went out in the 1800's, but it sure does sound like some of you folks are hanging her.

Poor Woman.

My advice to you is, If hes going to play dirty Its time You started to Dig up some Dirt TOO!!! I had one of those kind of Ex'es, He played Dirty so I played Dirty. They dont like it when the shoes on the other foot. And they like to air your dirty laundry, but dont like theirs aired. Lets just say my ex doesnt even bother to come see his kids since he lost. It was a vindictive thing he was doing and that was it.

I hope Everything Works out for you in the End and I wish You All The Luck In The World.

 

[ceara19]

You know...Hanging the Adultress went out in the 1800's, but it sure does sound like some of you folks are hanging her.

Poor Woman.

My advice to you is, If hes going to play dirty Its time You started to Dig up some Dirt TOO!!! I had one of those kind of Ex'es, He played Dirty so I played Dirty. They dont like it when the shoes on the other foot. And they like to air your dirty laundry, but dont like theirs aired. Lets just say my ex doesnt even bother to come see his kids since he lost. It was a vindictive thing he was doing and that was it.

I hope Everything Works out for you in the End and I wish You All The Luck In The World.

The big flaw in your plan is that if the OP had any dirt on dad, she would have already aired it here to try and justify her own actions. They always do. Dad's the one holding all the cards at this point. He doesn't even have to be able to PROVE the adultery. He is well within his legal rights to ask for custody of the unborn child as well as his own. So, either mom owns up to the adultery or dad will at the very least get visitation with the "love child" after s/he is born.

If I am even partially correct about dad's plan, I honestly think the man deserves a pat on the back. He didn't blow his top and go off on a tangent when he found out that his wife wanted to move his children half way across the country from him or when he found out that she was shacking up with a new boyfriend WITH his children or even when he found out she was pregnant with this man's child. Instead he gave her enough rope and let her wrap it around her own adulterous neck.

It's not "playing dirty" when the OP doe this it HERSELF!

 

[LdiJ]

You are assuming an awful lot here. She only said they went to court and settled out of court, you can't assume that they were living together, maybe they were apart. Also, what if HE had cheated and thats why he agreed to give her the children and sign off on her moving out of state. There are a lot of if's here and I really don't feel that anyone should rush to judgement unless she comes back and gives more info.
Now I'm not from NY but my ex and I had a similiar arrangement where we were legally seperated and I moved away with the kids. Yes, he consented, yada yada. There was a point, during their visits, where he tried to keep my children, saying that legally, nothing had been decided, but all I had to do was present the judge here with the agreement and the judge signed an order which I in turn took to the military security police and he had to give them back.
I know the situations are different, but don't you think that when a poster comes here asking for advice/assitance, one shouldn't attack her and tell her what she should or shouldn't do with her and her children's lives? There are too many what ifs..Dad could be an abuser, a druggie, an emotional basket case, or he could be normal and a fine father figure. However, just from reading that he wants to claim a child that he knows is not his, just to cause the mother grief...that says an awful lot, don't you think? Using a child as a pawn..tsk tsk.

I also doubt that the separation agreement had a clause in it prohibiting them from engaging in sexual relations with another consenting adult.

If dad wants to use the adultery to get a divorce faster, that's dad's right and I can't fault him for it. Particularly if he doesn't want to ultimately end up being responsible for her unborn child.

However, my take on the whole thing is that dad wasn't quite as emotionally prepared to "move on" as mom was, and is reeling over the pregnancy, and that is his motivation for his current actions.

 

[ceara19]

I also doubt that the separation agreement had a clause in it prohibiting them from engaging in sexual relations with another consenting adult.

I doubt that there is a clause ALLOWING it either. Some judges feel that a "legal separation" means that each party is now completely free to live their own lives. Others feel that the parties are still legally married and should behave themselves as such.

 

[LdiJ]

The big flaw in your plan is that if the OP had any dirt on dad, she would have already aired it here to try and justify her own actions. They always do. Dad's the one holding all the cards at this point. He doesn't even have to be able to PROVE the adultery. He is well within his legal rights to ask for custody of the unborn child as well as his own. So, either mom owns up to the adultery or dad will at the very least get visitation with the "love child" after s/he is born.

If I am even partially correct about dad's plan, I honestly think the man deserves a pat on the back. He didn't blow his top and go off on a tangent when he found out that his wife wanted to move his children half way across the country from him or when he found out that she was shacking up with a new boyfriend WITH his children or even when he found out she was pregnant with this man's child. Instead he gave her enough rope and let her wrap it around her own adulterous neck.

It's not "playing dirty" when the OP doe this it HERSELF!

I don't understand your reaction or some of the other's here. They legally separated with the obvious intent to divorce after the 1 year separation. Dad could have challenged her taking the children to TX in the first place and didn't. He agreed legally to her having custody and moving.

While its totally understandable that dad would react badly to her hooking up with an old friend and ending up pregant, I simply can't view this as "cheating" in any real sense. Foolish because its causing her problems, foolish because it allows for a "fault" divorce but not cheating.

While I don't think that anyone here is deliberately giving inaccurate advice, I really hope this isn't one of those cases where the advice is getting skewed to a worst case scenario because the posters have decided that mom is unsympathetic. Its happened here in the past and I don't think its fair.

At this point my advice to the OP is to retain an NY attorney, and be guided by the attorney.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

I don't understand your reaction or some of the other's here. They legally separated with the obvious intent to divorce after the 1 year separation. Dad could have challenged her taking the children to TX in the first place and didn't. He agreed legally to her having custody and moving.

While its totally understandable that dad would react badly to her hooking up with an old friend and ending up pregant, I simply can't view this as "cheating" in any real sense. Foolish because its causing her problems, foolish because it allows for a "fault" divorce but not cheating.

While I don't think that anyone here is deliberately giving inaccurate advice, I really hope this isn't one of those cases where the advice is getting skewed to a worst case scenario because the posters have decided that mom is unsympathetic. Its happened here in the past and I don't think its fair.

At this point my advice to the OP is to retain an NY attorney, and be guided by the attorney.

Laura,
Your biases are showing. It's not about being fair, it's how divorce in NY works. NY is a "fault" state, with a restrictive "no fault " option. It doesn't matter what is in the agreement that they worked out as much as it requires them to come to a mutual agreement which is filed with the court and the court acknowledges the "no fault" separation agreement that allows for the eventual no fault divorce. Most likely, the "vague" part of the order las language clarifying the no fault divorce process and dad's requirements as the moving party and his options to file for a "fault" divorce should grounds arise. Adultery is grounds for a fault divorce in NY. Dad followed all the rules including petitioning for a law guardian for the children to represent their best interest. The one who is not fair is OP who couldn't wait a year before getting pregnant. She left with what they could take with them, so it is possible she is more worried about her part of the eventual settlement more so than her children.

Perhaps, OP was under the impression that moving to another state under this out of court agreement which is normaly only good on the paper it is written on, but allowed in NY, and in this case a court order, would allow her to wait her 6 months to establish residency in TX, file for a no fault divorce in a community property state and the TX SOP would give her better custody and visitation options, but she couldn't keep her panties on.

I do have a lawyer in NY that is taking care of my case.

I'm not contesting to a divorce, because I want one also, but I couldn't file here in Texas yet.
I've have agreed to a paternity test, as long as my ex pays for the cost of it.

I guess that I assumed ( and that goes to show that you shouldn't assume anything), is that once we signed the separation agreement that I could pretty much go on with my life, and even the agreements states that we both could go on as though we were single and unmarried.
I talked to my attorney about it, and she tells me that yes, we are still legally married, until divorced, but being in my current situation, that it does not prove me unfit.

I'm just concerned with the custody issue as any well loving mother would be.

Thanks for the reply.

See I am basing my response on OP's own statements that SHE assumed and she has an attorney, she was the one planning on playing dirty tricks and filing for divorce once she established residence and she has the gal to expect him to pay for the DNA test for a child she claims isn't his.

 

[moburkes]

Actually, she never mentioned moving to Tx to be with another man, she said her father...

Where did I say that Noelle?

 

[AHA]

No, she said she's known this man all her life..not a stranger.
There are men out there, case in point the one that I thought was committed to me, that got ME pregnant after 5 years, and was sleeping with another woman behind my back and left me when I told him I was pregnant. How do you feel about that?
Actually, it doesn't matter, it's a legal forum, I'm digressing.
I don't think any of us can judge this woman's personal choices, its not up to us to set moral standards for her and we don't know the whole story..she sounds rational and intelligent to me...shrug.

There are guys that I've known my whole life too, but it doesn't mean that I would jump in the sack with them as soon as I got back to town and have unprotected sex. She has kids to consider, it's not all about her.