anyone ever change custody when there child didn't even know they exsist?

[beth_parr]

What is the name of your state? Michigan

Any one know what generally happens in a case were dad,(who is fighting for custody) hasn't seen son since he was a baby. Son is now 5yrs old. Mom kept moving around trying to hide. Mom never shows up to court, (she didnt even show up for her custody investigation). Mom had son taken away from her for neglect back in 2002,(we were never notified till this year) and also son was in backseat of stolen car his mom was driving this summer and arrested for. Oh and mom has moved son over 12 times since he has been born and goes from one guy to the next.

I'm just trying to get an idea of what to expect. We are patiently waiting on the report to come from the custody investigator. But it would be nice to have a heads up. I'm thinking it's going to be a gradual process since we don't even know the kid. But that only works if mom complys with the order.

any info/ideas would be appreciated.

thanks beth

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? Michigan

Any one know what generally happens in a case were dad,(who is fighting for custody) hasn't seen son since he was a baby. Son is now 5yrs old. Mom kept moving around trying to hide. Mom never shows up to court, (she didnt even show up for her custody investigation). Mom had son taken away from her for neglect back in 2002,(we were never notified till this year) and also son was in backseat of stolen car his mom was driving this summer and arrested for. Oh and mom has moved son over 12 times since he has been born and goes from one guy to the next.

I'm just trying to get an idea of what to expect. We are patiently waiting on the report to come from the custody investigator. But it would be nice to have a heads up. I'm thinking it's going to be a gradual process since we don't even know the kid. But that only works if mom complys with the order.

any info/ideas would be appreciated.

thanks beth

At this point a Law Guardian is already appointed...and the courts tend to rely heavily on their recommendation(s).

If you were in the child's life previously, this would be easier to do...the problem is lack of contact/involvement for so long. <even if it wasn't your choice>

How far away from Mom do you live? What was your impression from the Law Guardian? There are so many variables, without knowing the entire story.

 

[nextwife]

Good luck. Biomom is obviously NOT a good choice for custody.

Well. we in the adoption community are used to taking custody of kids that did NOT know us at ages well past babyhood. My child was two when we got her.

I have friends who have adopted from foster care and orphanages, kids 5 and above. They have also fostered. So there is certainly IS precident for placing an "older" child with a previously unknown adult. After all, when a kid is placed in foster care, aren't they IMMEDIATELY under the care of a "stranger"? At minimum, the father should ask to "transition" the child into their custody over time.

 

[beth_parr]

Mom lives about an hour away in a 2 bedroom trailer with 4 adults and her 3 kids in a bad urban city,( we live in a nice suberb in a 2 story 4 bedroom home, but only one bathroom lol); ( or she may have moved again and didn't give a new address but we think if she moved she is back at her mom's) Thats the other problem we have is if she is living with her mom we don't feel that is a good situation because we looked up her parents divorce file and her and her brother both made a statement saying there mom and stepfather were heavy drinkers and pot smokers. Now that was 10 years ago but i doubt they have changed. Also mom tends to get into arguments with her mom and then takes off so it's not a stable enviroment for the kid.

The impression we got from the investigator was good. she seemed nice and she seemed to understand the situation. I didn't think she was going to talk to me since I am not part of the case but she asked to speak with me and she just kinda told me what was going too happen as far as the time line for getting the report back. she didn't have any questions for me she just basicly wanted to meet me i guess. She also said we have done a good job so far without a lawyer and we all kind of shared a laugh about that. She said we would have to get the report entered as an order ourselves and suggested we start looking up how to do that.

We have been going thru the courts for 5yrs trying to get the child returned to the state and mom wouldn't obey the order. I can't even keep track of all the motions we have filed. The clerks all know us by name and they are always nice. We don't even have to give them the file number anymore they just grab it when we walk in. And when we had called to ask if mom showed up to her investigation interview the clerk didn't even transfer us to the investigators line she just said "same old same old".

Also we have set up a mental health assesment and educational assesment for the child, which will be done within 72 hours of him coming to our house. The reason we are doing this is because the child was not in preschool and is also not in kindergarten. Also when he was in foster care they said he was overly agressive, didn't hold eye contact, at the time he tried to hurt his 5month old brother, he wouldn't talk, or follow directions. So obviousley he has some problems. We let the investigator know all this so it's not like we arn't prepared. We know this child is going to act out and we know it's going to be a struggle. But I would rather go thru it now at 5yrs old rather than at 14yrs old. I'm just hopeing the courts see that it would do do more harm to leave him with his mom than it would be for him to have him just come live with us. Yes it would be nice to do it gradually but mom most likely won't comply and will take off and then it's going to be another 5yrs of trying to find them again.

the whole situation is just a huge mess. the moms side of the family just doesn't understand they think of the child as a possesion and don't seem to care that he needs a stable loving home and needs his dad. Mom is still mad over the break up and won't let it go so she uses this as a way to punish dad.but she doesn't seem to see what it's doing to her son. She is also prolly scared that the son will love us more and even though that is a valid fear, I know her son will always love her no matter what. I just wish she could see that. It would be nice to be able to work things out with her but she won't have any type of communication what so ever.

sry i got so long i'm just frustrated with the situation and i guess i'm venting. LOL

thanks,
beth

 

[beth_parr]

just didn't want this to get lost

 

[nextwife]

Also when he was in foster care they said he was overly agressive, didn't hold eye contact, at the time he tried to hurt his 5month old brother, he wouldn't talk, or follow directions. So obviousley he has some problems.

Interesting study released last month on "neglected" children, quantitatively measuring low levels of certain "bonding" hormones" and aggressive behavior. Frankly, it sounds like this kid need OUT of their present environment BADLY. Sounds like attachment issues. The eye contact problem & agression is sometimes an indicator of RAD type symtoms.

Keep working on this!

http://www.adhdissues.com/ms/news/529266/main.html

Early Neglect Can Hinder Child's Relationships

http://www.madison.com/wsj/home/local/index.php?ntid=62421&ntpid=1

 

[beth_parr]

Thanks for the info, im going to go check that out right now. I'm hopeing that the child can be turned around with the right help. The assesment he had done while he was in foster care was in 2002 when he was 2yrs old. It was recomended that he go to a developmental pre-school when he was old enough, but mom never put him in pre-school so I dobut he has had any type of follow up care since 2002.
When we spoke with the Grandma over the summer she told us he was a very stuborn boy. So I think we are going to have our hands full. However she did say that he was very smart, (not suprising as our oldest is in a school for gifted kids, and our two youngest are ahead of there age). I'm guessing the child just really needs some therapy and a stable enviroment with lots of predictability. He prolly has trust issues, so I have been looking up activites for kids that build trust and self-esteme. Also we may just enroll him in pre-school even though he is old enough for kindergarten. That way he can have lots of accomplishments and less stress. I just hope the courts see that his mom is un-fit and give us custody. I can only imagine how he could turn out if things arn't delt with now. I know having him come live with us,(the strangers) is going to be hard on him and us but I really beleive it is worse off staying with his mom. Hopefully his mom will get into counseling herself. We don't want to exclude her, infact we want her to stay an active parent in his life, (of course with supervision at first and a bit of guidance from a professional) I'm praying she gets over the anger and realizes we all need to work together for this kid to have the best life he can. She has 2 other children and even though I don't have the best opinion of her right now it would be nice if next summer we were all getting along enough to do family activites together. I really think kids need to see their parents getting along, it gives them a better foundation. Afterall everything they learn about relationships they learn from there parents relationship.
well this is getting long again lol. so thanks for the info.

take care,
beth

 

[beth_parr]

wow thats scarry. I know the child was an only child for a year and a half so hopefully his mom gave him a lot of attention as a baby. Hopefully he hasn't been as neglected as the children in the study. I kind of doubt that he was. It seems his mom has drasticly changed over the years. I think she became overwhelmed when she had more kids. Non of the fathers are involved and they are all close in age so I am sure it was a struggle for her after she had the other kids. Also we are pretty sure she has been useing drugs for a few years so that prolly has a lot to do with it. her step dad told us this summer after she was caught driving a stolen car that she and her boyfriend had been involved in a car trafficing ring for about a year for drugs and money. He said that he saw coke in the car when they had came to drop the kids off for a weekend and that he had seen her high many times. Also we looked up her boyfriends criminal record and he has 2 drug charges for manufacturing, 1 gun charge, and 1 escaping prison charge. We spoke with him and he seems like your regular ignorant low-life, supposedly they are no longer together.
I know she had drug problems as a teenager, she had admitted to it in a deposition she gave durring her parents divorce. But she was totally opposed to drugs when she was with my husband, but that could of just been because they were together and he is against drugs. So who knows, her lack of careing about the custody investigation is a sign of drug use. She may just care more about getting high than if her child is taken from her. Afterall she had 2 chances to come to her interview and never showed up. I know if someone was trying to get my kids i would be doing everything possable to stop it.

ok i got long again.

take care,
beth