Appropriate Dating Behavior (in PA)

[5stardreams]

What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania

Hello everyone,

I'm hoping that someone can give me advice or steer me in the right direction.

My boyfriend has two daughters, ages 11 and 9. He is divorced from his ex-wife for about two years. We have been dating for about a year and 3 months, and we live together. All three children (his and mine, daughter, age 6) are perfectly happy with the situation and all three have asked us to get married so they can be "sisters."

His ex-wife is single and lives alone. My boyfriend and his ex-wife share joint custody.

His ex is currently dating around, and she is doing stuff that we feel is inappropriate for young women to experience.

She is up to the 11th boyfriend in this year.

After two weeks of dating one guy, she told her children they were moving two hours away (to Maryland) to live with him, and they would have to choose where to live.

She often uses an online dating site, and sometimes she puts the children to chat with her potential suitors, in front of the web cam.

A couple of guys she's invited over after chatting online, with her kids in the house (she's never met them in real life before).

The kids report to us that "guys come over all the time now" but they usually stay upstairs.

She tells the children when she's out at the bar, and that so-and-so is a jerk because he grabbed her butt or put his hand up her blouse.

If a guy cancels a date on her, she'll talk to her kids like they are adults and tell them what jerks men are (I'm being polite here, she uses more colorful language, but you get the idea).


We've spoken to a psychiatrist and he has told us that putting children in front of a web cam on an adult dating site could potentially be against the law, and some of the things she tells her children go beyond the scope of a parent-child relationship, and is considered abusive. My boyfriend and I also do not feel this is appropriate for young women and we'd like to pursue some kind of legal avenue, such as getting a judge or someone in authority to tell her to knock it off. I'm wondering if we can do that?

Thank you very much,

Maureen

 

[Silverplum]

I know you're being kind and looking out for your bf's children and writing on his behalf...but...this is a legal website, and legally, there is no "we" in this situation.

It's all on Dad. You can get info on his behalf, but "we" can't file anything and "we" can't do anything about it.

 

[penelope10]

What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania

Hello everyone,

I'm hoping that someone can give me advice or steer me in the right direction.

My boyfriend has two daughters, ages 11 and 9. He is divorced from his ex-wife for about two years. We have been dating for about a year and 3 months, and we live together. All three children (his and mine, daughter, age 6) are perfectly happy with the situation and all three have asked us to get married so they can be "sisters."

His ex-wife is single and lives alone. My boyfriend and his ex-wife share joint custody.

His ex is currently dating around, and she is doing stuff that we feel is inappropriate for young women to experience.

She is up to the 11th boyfriend in this year.

After two weeks of dating one guy, she told her children they were moving two hours away (to Maryland) to live with him, and they would have to choose where to live.

She often uses an online dating site, and sometimes she puts the children to chat with her potential suitors, in front of the web cam.

A couple of guys she's invited over after chatting online, with her kids in the house (she's never met them in real life before).

The kids report to us that "guys come over all the time now" but they usually stay upstairs.

She tells the children when she's out at the bar, and that so-and-so is a jerk because he grabbed her butt or put his hand up her blouse.

If a guy cancels a date on her, she'll talk to her kids like they are adults and tell them what jerks men are (I'm being polite here, she uses more colorful language, but you get the idea).


We've spoken to a psychiatrist and he has told us that putting children in front of a web cam on an adult dating site could potentially be against the law, and some of the things she tells her children go beyond the scope of a parent-child relationship, and is considered abusive. My boyfriend and I also do not feel this is appropriate for young women and we'd like to pursue some kind of legal avenue, such as getting a judge or someone in authority to tell her to knock it off. I'm wondering if we can do that?

Thank you very much,

Maureen

First of all there is no we in this situation---you do not have legal standing. If Dad thinks there are potentially harmful things going on he needs to call CPS.

If I do the math correctly you and Dad knew each other for only about a total of nine months after his divorce before moving in together. Some people might argue that this is the wrong thing to do when there are young children involved. (I'm not speaking of myself).

What I'm trying to show is that morality is in the eye of the beholder. Now I absolutely don't think what Mom is doing is right. I would have Dad start documenting any behavior he is aware of that is harmful and when the times comes he can go to court and ask for a change in custody. But he is going to have to prove in court that it's in the children's best interest for custody to be changed, or that a change of circumstances has occurred since the original order.

 

[Zigner]

We've spoken to a psychiatrist and he has told us that putting children in front of a web cam on an adult dating site could potentially be against the law

Don't take legal advice from a psychiatrist...

 

[5stardreams]

Yes, thank you for that reminder. I apologize for the mis-wording. I am gathering information on his behalf, so I will modify my last paragraph to the following:

My boyfriend is extremely livid about his ex-wife's dating habits, more specifically how they reflect on his children. Firstly, he feels that the children are much too young to hear about his ex-wife's dating escapades, and he also feels that putting children in front of a web cam is extremely dangerous, and opens them up to potential harm.

He feels that the children should have a strong relationship with their mother, and he goes out of his way to accommodate it. He does want a shared, joint custody relationship with his ex-wife because that would be in the children's best interest. What he doesn't want, however, is his children exposed to things that could potential harm them, or being involved in situations (such as their mother telling them about a "jerk" or inviting strange guys she's never met before into the home) due to bad judgment.

In light of the fact that I'm not their mother, but my boyfriend does need some advice in this area, is there anything he can do, such as file something that would make their mother modify her behavior?

Thank you.

 

[seniorjudge]

Q: In light of the fact that I'm not their mother, but my boyfriend does need some advice in this area, is there anything he can do, such as file something that would make their mother modify her behavior?

A: Courts cannot modify the behavior of people.

 

[Silverplum]

Yes, thank you for that reminder. I apologize for the mis-wording. I am gathering information on his behalf, so I will modify my last paragraph to the following:

My boyfriend is extremely livid about his ex-wife's dating habits, more specifically how they reflect on his children. Firstly, he feels that the children are much too young to hear about his ex-wife's dating escapades, and he also feels that putting children in front of a web cam is extremely dangerous, and opens them up to potential harm.

He feels that the children should have a strong relationship with their mother, and he goes out of his way to accommodate it. He does want a shared, joint custody relationship with his ex-wife because that would be in the children's best interest. What he doesn't want, however, is his children exposed to things that could potential harm them, or being involved in situations (such as their mother telling them about a "jerk" or inviting strange guys she's never met before into the home) due to bad judgment.

In light of the fact that I'm not their mother, but my boyfriend does need some advice in this area, is there anything he can do, such as file something that would make their mother modify her behavior?

Thank you.

His very best bet is to consult with some local family attorneys. (Many offer free intial consultations: check your yellow page ads to see which do.) They can best advise him as to the local "climate" of judges and attitudes. That really matters: how the locals rule on such issues.

I take it his custody order contains no language forbidding overnight guests of opposite gender? Because if so, you'd not be allowed, either. It's difficult to enforce, anyway.

It's not going to happen if Dad stomps into court and announces that Mom is a slut. That's of no matter to the court, unless the slutting occurs in front of or involves the children. Key issue there is PROOF that is good for court. Can't make the kids testify...that leaves the answer already given: CALL CPS to investigate and document abuse.

Dad needs to find out what the custody standards are in PA -- I don't know them, myself. They're googleable.

 

[5stardreams]

First of all there is no we in this situation---you do not have legal standing. If Dad thinks there are potentially harmful things going he needs to call CPS.

If I do the math correctly you and Dad knew each other for only about a total of nine months after his divorce before moving in together. Some people might argue that this is the wrong thing to do when there are young children involved. (I'm not speaking of myself).

What I'm trying to show is that morality is in the eye of the beholder. Now I absolutely don't think what Mom is doing is right. I would have Dad start documenting any behavior he is aware of that is harmful and when the times comes he can go to court and ask for a change in custody. But he is going to have to prove in court that it's in the children's best interest for custody to be changed, or that a change of circumstances has occurred since the original order.

Thank you very much for responding. CPS is Child Protective Services? That sounds kind of stupid that I typed it out but I guess I should ask.

Yes, we knew each other approximately 9 months after he was divorced.

I do want to stress that he doesn't want to change his custody situation. Their mother is their mother and like I've told them when they have asked me these questions, no one will EVER replace your mother. He wants her to stop exposing his children to continually, and potentially harmful, experiences.

There could possibly be nothing that can be done, or maybe he would have to fight for custody to do anything about it.

 

[xylene]

is there anything he can do, such as file something that would make their mother modify her behavior?

Not really.

He could approach the court if mom is hurting the kids.

Mom is not hurting the kids in what you describe.

Hurting the kids would be, well ask yourself this question:

"Would CPS look in to this if she was a widower?"

That is basically the standard. This is the 21st century and people date.

Watch the children carefully for any problems.

 

[5stardreams]

Sorry, I meant to say that he wants to her to stop exposing THEIR children to continually, and potentially harmful, experiences.

 

[penelope10]

Yes, CPS is short for Child Protective Services.

 

[5stardreams]

Thank you everyone for your swift and candid comments. He'll have to just monitor his children and if something drastic happens, go to an attorney about it.

Thanks again!!

 

[Silverplum]

Sorry, I meant to say that he wants to her to stop exposing THEIR children to continually, and potentially harmful, experiences.

The fact that you and Dad live together kinda wobbles his moral high ground stance.

I'm not trying to hassle you -- just showing flaws in the argument.

 

[Silverplum]

Thank you everyone for your swift and candid comments. He'll have to just monitor his children and if something drastic happens, go to an attorney about it.

Thanks again!!

You're welcome.