Are You Ready for Children?

[Cookie97128]

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

 

[HomeGuru]

Very good. Many are too late to take the test.

 

[marc_a_g]

This is totally off the subject but something you wrote put a weird question in my head. I heard that if you or your children do break something in a store that you are not legally bound to pay for it because of insurance. If you do pay for it they get paid twice, once from their protection and once from you.

Is that true?

 

[HomeGuru]

This is totally off the subject but something you wrote put a weird question in my head. I heard that if you or your children do break something in a store that you are not legally bound to pay for it because of insurance. If you do pay for it they get paid twice, once from their protection and once from you.

Is that true?

**A: not true in all cases. What if the store did not have insurance? What if the kid was kicking around a hackey sack or horse playing and knocked over and broke a fragile item?

 

[Cookie97128]

**bump**

**Bump**

 

[jyoung]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the
stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard
that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know,"
said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first."
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little
Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when
you don't know ****?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A scatterbrain goes into a restaurant and
notices there's a "peel and win"sticker on her coffee cup. So she's
peels it off and starts screaming,"I've won a motor home! I've won a
motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible.Te biggest prize is a
free lunch!"
But the blonde keeps screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't
have that as a prize!"
She says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the
peel-off sticker to the manager and he reads...

" W I N A B A G E L "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays
until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When
he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his
shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he
falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint
bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved
up his buttocks . But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he
checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut
up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could
under
the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he
was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when
his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning
and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first
little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a
piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that." She said, "But what is so exciting about a
period?"
"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 16 year
old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the
man next door shot himself."

 

[wmarge]

Application for Mom............

POSITION:
>Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy
>
>JOB DESCRIPTION:
>Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
often
>chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and
>organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will
>include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
>overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites
on
>rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.
Travel
>expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
>
>RESPONSIBILITIES:
>The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily,
>until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also,
>must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
>zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams
from
>the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
>stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously
>sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain
>calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must
>have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all
ages
>and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
>embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing
of

>a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must
>always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume
final,

>complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
>Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
>throughout the facility.
>
>POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
>Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
>without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so
>that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
>
>PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
>None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually
>exhausting basis.
>
>WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
>Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
>payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
>will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them

>whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is
that
>you actually enjoy it and this wish you could only do more.
>
>BENEFITS:
>While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement,

>no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
>limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if
you
>play your cards right.