Boyfriend of ex has history of abuse...

[Feral]

Hello,

I'm from Tennessee:

I am currently seeking joint custody of my 3 year old daughter. Her mother and I never married but we have always had a good relationship after our daughter's birth. My ex has enough mental, physical and addiction problems that would allow me to easily get legal custody but here is where the problem lies....

Her new boyfriend of about 3 weeks attacked me violently with no cause when I came over at her request to talk to him about our daughter and to hopefully establish an amiable relationship. She later told me, "he felt threatened by me and should not have attacked me but he has a temper and attacks men but never women and children." (I'm as amazed at this statement as you are.)

After hiring a private investigator I have found out that he was arrested 3 years ago for domestic violence where he strangled his girlfriend for no apparent reason among other convictions.

1. What sort of stipulations should I put in the joint custody papers that would prevent my 3 year old daughter from being around this guy? I understand my ex needs to go on with her life but how can I be sure my daughter does not become a victim?

2. Should I let my ex know of these findings? She watched in horror as he basically beat me up (me being 5'7" 130lbs, him being 6'3" 220lbs.) Her mother had to call 911 and yet my ex spoke to me a week after the assault and said she plans on marrying him on New Years Day! So, my fear is she would take my findings with a grain of salt and simply make this ugly situation even worse.

3. I have a lawyer and she thinks I should try to work something out with my ex and stay out of court. How far should I go in letting her know just what her new love is capable of? You would think his attack on me would have been enough but it obviously wasn't.

Thank you for any responses.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Hello,

I'm from Tennessee:

I am currently seeking joint custody of my 3 year old daughter. Her mother and I never married but we have always had a good relationship after our daughter's birth. My ex has enough mental, physical and addiction problems that would allow me to easily get legal custody but here is where the problem lies....

Her new boyfriend of about 3 weeks attacked me violently with no cause when I came over at her request to talk to him about our daughter and to hopefully establish an amiable relationship. She later told me, "he felt threatened by me and should not have attacked me but he has a temper and attacks men but never women and children." (I'm as amazed at this statement as you are.)

After hiring a private investigator I have found out that he was arrested 3 years ago for domestic violence where he strangled his girlfriend for no apparent reason among other convictions.

1. What sort of stipulations should I put in the joint custody papers that would prevent my 3 year old daughter from being around this guy? I understand my ex needs to go on with her life but how can I be sure my daughter does not become a victim?

2. Should I let my ex know of these findings? She watched in horror as he basically beat me up (me being 5'7" 130lbs, him being 6'3" 220lbs.) Her mother had to call 911 and yet my ex spoke to me a week after the assault and said she plans on marrying him on New Years Day! So, my fear is she would take my findings with a grain of salt and simply make this ugly situation even worse.

3. I have a lawyer and she thinks I should try to work something out with my ex and stay out of court. How far should I go in letting her know just what her new love is capable of? You would think his attack on me would have been enough but it obviously wasn't.

Thank you for any responses.

My response:

Are you out of your mind ? What is it going to take for you to file for complete, sole custody - - and to place her on monitored visitation ? With her problems, and with the current boyfriend, this is not "rocket science." With what you have related, your attorney is doing you no favors. What is this crap about, "Work something out" anyway ? You don't have an attorney - - you have a mirror image of yourself !

1. File for a Restraining Order, immediately.

2. Sue the boyfriend and your girlfriend for Assault and Battery.

3. File for nothing less than FULL, COMPLETE, AND SOLE custody of the child and for child support - - and make sure that any visitation is "monitored".

Do yourself a favor. . . get an attorney who's willing to fight for you rather than coddle you. This is your child ! !

IAAL

 

[Yas]

It is just almost impossible to "upset the status quo" though, and in this case the child is 3 years old. My ex is manic-depressive, and I still have to leave my baby there "for the time being, pending further investigations". They say you can get custody IF you can prove the other parent unfit (if you cannot, then it seems best to forget it).

Maybe our poster is satisfied with his original request for joint custody? Do get back to us!

 

[Feral]

I appreciate the feedback and believe me Full Custody of my daughter is the way I want to go but I've heard horror stories concerning how dead beat mothers have won over good fathers and I have been relunctant to take my ex to court because of those stories.

I just learned tonight that my ex is pregnant by her new abusive boyfriend. This has changed my thinking alot and now I know what I need to do.

This is all new to me. This is my first and only daughter. I don't want to make any mistakes or jump the gun. I'm going to give it a few weeks. Find out more info and then make the right move at the right time.

What I need is more advice. Please understand that I know the situation my daughter is in is not good. I will fight forever to rectify that but I cant make any mistakes or I fear I may not get another chance.

Help?

 

[Yas]

I think you have answered your own question - FIGHT! Go get her! But I really have to warn you, it is pretty hard to break the "status quo" as the courts put it. I don't know what happens in cases of unfit boyfriends, I don't know if you will be told "well you had no problem with the mum raising the child up til now" and then the mum may dump - or PRETEND to dump her man, pending any court action! (common trick).

I don't know if your ex choosing such an unsuitable man necessarily counts against her, or if she will get to keep the child on HER own merits. Once she has taken legal advice, she may then leave him, or like I say, pretend to. Then you will probably be stuck, and very hard pushed to get your child. As your beef is with the BF, not your ex, right?

IAAL - what do you think about the fact the status quo would be broken if Feral got custody? Do courts not mind breaking it for the right reasons? Because this is proving MY largest obstacle.

 

[RunningOnEmpty]

I am shocked that you would even consider joint custody.

The man is dangerous. You must do whatever it takes to keep your child away from him. PERIOD.

If you have been reading the newspapers lately, there has been an epidemic of psycho boyfriends/husbands slaughtering not just the woman, but the children, as well. It happens all the time.
Just yesterday, a funeral was held in my city for a woman and her five children, ages 6-12. Her boyfriend killed them all with a hammer.

Take IAAL's advice. File for sole legal/physical custody. Press charges for battery on Ex's boyfriend. Get a restraining order against him. Take your private investigator's report to court with you for your custody case. Demand supervised visitation.

Your ex obviously knows this guy has problems and chooses to ignore this and marry the psycho. She sounds pretty mentally unstable herself. She will probably be the next one he strangles and hopefully you will have prevented your child from having to watch. She chooses to put herself in this situation. Your child does not. You need to do whatever it takes to protect your child.

 

[Yas]

True....last week here in the UK, a policeman killed his wife, 2 of their kids, and then himself. Everyone had thought he was happy.

Feral, if you are really scared for your daughter - and with all due respect and correct me if I am wrong - you did not sound immediately scared in your original post - then of course you must become AGGRESSIVE and fight for your child.

You do sound like an extremely nice and gentle guy, but in the world of child custody, "nice" just does not cut the mustard!

Are you scared for your child's wellbeing? Then do something! BUT please let me warn you, I am scared for MY child's wellbeing, as she is with her manic-depressive dad who took her from me when she was 2 weeks old - BUT because no harm has come to her, as I suspect is the case with your own daughter, the judge ruled that she must "stay with her father til investigations are carried out".

This is with police reports I have filed against my ex. It is very hard to just "get" your child back. And yours is older than mine. Go for it, yes do, but be prepared for it to take a heck of a while!

Please keep us informed.

Love,

Yasmin

 

[Feral]

RUNNING ON EMPTY
I hear you loud and clear my friend. Right now I am keeping my daughter every other week. My ex lives with her mother and they have promised me that her mother will be in town the weeks I dont have my daughter. My ex's boyfriend works most of the day and into the night so he is not around my daughter as much as I thought at first. Still....

The chance of my daughter becoming a victim is very real. But, again, I've got to play this cautiously. Since my daughter was born out of wedlock my ex has uncontested custody and could easily keep me from seeing her from what I've been told. What good does this do her? Every day I get new evidence to support my position which will probably be Sole Custody BUT if there is a large chance I might loose I'm willing to go with Joint Custody with me as Custodial Parent at the very least AND somehow throw in stipulations concerning my daughter being around this guy.

YAS
Thank you for your words. I can't imagine how you must feel living day to day knowing that your daughter is with a manic-depressent. I have lost weight since this whole thing has started and if your situation was to happen to me I think I would simply waste away. But I'm trying to be strong for my daughter and will do the right thing. My heart tells me Sole Custody....believe me. As I learn more and listen to people like you and the others I know the time will come.

QUESTION: If I go for sole custody and lose (with all you know about my situation) can I keep on trying?

Oh, and btw Yas. I am extremely scared for the well-being of my daughter. I was trying too much to give the details in my first post and may have sounded a bit bookish.

 

[LegalBeagle]

This is all new to me. This is my first and only daughter. I don't want to make any mistakes or jump the gun. I'm going to give it a few weeks. Find out more info and then make the right move at the right time.

What I need is more advice. Please understand that I know the situation my daughter is in is not good. I will fight forever to rectify that but I cant make any mistakes or I fear I may not get another chance.

Help?

and while you are trying to get off the fence, your child could be beaten, abused or even killed.. but at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you thought it through. IAAL gave you the best advice you could have hoped for. Had you acted immediately the temporary custody would have been almost guaranteed. Each day you wait, your chance of success and saving that child decrease.

The fact you are *unwilling* to do anything about it means that either

1. You do not want to suddenly have a 3 year old child living with you.
2. You do not care much about your child.
3. The story you gave us is not true.

Be a man.. better yet, be a good father and save your child. Please do not post again until you have followed IAAL advice.

 

[Yas]

But if you read back to Feral's first post, he does say that his ex has only been seeing this man for 3 WEEKS. Not 3 years. So when exactly did he miss his "chance" at temp custody?

What I am worried about is the time factor as well. The child is already 3 years old, and as I said, the status quo has been developed. Feral will have a job on his hands, as in my case, they refuse to take my baby away from her dad, there have to be investigations galore, and these take TIME. All the while I am aware he is gaining time and I am losing it.

Believe me I want to go get my baby TODAY but I have to "wait". We are made to wait by the authorities, then we are told the "status quo" has developed.

Also if the ex is pregnant, this does change it, they will want to keep siblings together. If the new BF is that dangerous, he may even be jailed, then he wont be around to terrorise anyone, and the mum would very likely retain custody.

Feral - what do you think?

 

[julhurt]

She said she was only seeing him for 3 weeks, she already knows she's pregnant and they had already planned to be married on New Year's Day. Is something wrong with this picture?
If you are interested at all in protecting your child, you better run to the lawyer when they open like IAAl and LB said and then have the idiot charged with assault. If not you are as guilty as him if something happens to that poor child.

 

[LegalBeagle]

In any assault case, the chances of a successful arrest/prosecution decrease over time. You have a 10 times better chance of success if you call the police the very first moment you are able to after an assault, than you do if you wait 3 weeks.

 

[Yas]

Yes, but if the BF goes to jail, the mother will very likely keep custody, right? Because the immediate danger - the BF - is removed. Are you happy with this, Feral? Or do you feel you want sole custody anyway? Do you plan to prove the mother unfit, based on her behaviour, letting the BF behave like this? Or would you be happy to let her retain custody if her BF is safely banged up in jail?