can he take her??

[lovingmom3]

What is the name of your state? Colorado

Me and my husband have been separated for a month now. He wants to take our 2 year old to his mom's (where he's now living) on his days off, Tuesday and Wednesday, to visit. We haven't gone thru divorce yet, and there is no custody order in place.

Can he keep her if he wants to be evil and not give her back? My parents are worried that he might decide to do this. Let's say on Thursday when he has to return to work that he leaves our daughter in his mom's care. Can I go and get her from grandma and if she refuses, can I get the authorities involved.


I just want to make sure I'm covered before I make the wrong decision.

Thanks!

 

[lovingmom3]

Please help..

Any legal advice would be greatly appreciated...

any takers???

 

[nextwife]

What's the difference, it's ok to keep the child from the other parent as long as you are the one that does the keeping? You are BOTH her parent and should be able to spend time with her. She needs both her parents, regardless of your respective interests in being together as a couple.

So if he wants to have his child visit with him and Grandma, and you are worried, why don't you offer to bring her there and drive her back?

 

[lovingmom3]

??

Sorry, maybe I didn't ask the question right, and if you thought I was saying that my husband didn't deserve to see his daughter, that's not what I was saying.

He lives in a 3 bedroom trailer, shares a bedroom w/his 4 year old daughter (currently). Because there is no custody order in place, can he say "sorry, I'm not giving her back, take me to court".

If he does do something like that, can I get her w/the cops once he goes to work.

My history w/him is a bit too embarassing to be posting here, but in no way am I saying that he's not deserving to visit her. Both him and his mom are vendictive people and has threatened to keep her just because he doesn't feel he should pay child support.

 

[sroutlaw]

With no custody order in place, yes, either parent can "claim custody" of a child, and the police are not likely to become involved in a domestic dispute of this nature. You need to talk to a lawyer about getting a temporary parenting plan that is enforceable - if that is possible in your state.

S

 

[stealth2]

Yep, he can since there is no order regarding custody. And the cops aren't going to be able to do anything for you.

 

[chatkat]

I can't say this is legal, but I went through a similar situation with my daughters father. One difference was that he was out of state and came to my state about 2 months after our separation. At the time we did not have any custody orders so I was very fearful of him having time with her alone. Just to get back at me I knew or felt very strongly that given the chance he would take off with her.
What I did
I told him straight up that until I had a custody agreement stating that I have physical custody of her that I would not allow him to see her alone. Since the two of us had real issues with each other, I had him visit our daughter at my mothers home.
He didn't like it, but if he wanted to see our daughter while he was in state, that was the only way it was gonna happen.

chat

 

[sroutlaw]

OK I have to say I am of two minds on this whole issue = as a mom my heart would want to keep the visits in my home till there was a specific court order. But in terms of the law - and even morality - there is no right to do that. Further, we made children with these men (and yes, obviously if there is a divorce or relationship ending clearly we women see the men as bad or unworthy of us now ), and even if we now wish we hadn't, we did. So how can we now say they are too bad to have visitation with THEIR kids? This is a tough issue for me, because in my mama heart I know that I would have a terribly time letting my kids go into another home possibly not to return till a court decided it all. But aren't we asking dads to do this same thing? To leave their kiddoes, until the courts decide it?

Just a moment of introspection.

 

[Melanie_Jenkins]

Not at all, no one is refusing the dad to see the kids. I personally think anyone without a court order should be any 'less' careful. Sometimes even the most sane and trustworthy SO's can freak out when a divorce/separation is going on, especially when children are involved.

It's been said many times on this board that mother's have more rights than father's do. I also think this has a lot to do with the reason you see so many of those "Have you seen me?" Post cards everywhere stating the last time they were seen, was with their fathers. (addendum: Mothers can and -have- done this too. This is not a male bashing post.)

The OP of this thread is fortunate in a way, her ex doesn't live out of state. (this doesn't mean he couldn't run with the child however) But for me, personally? My ex lives clear across the country, if he were to have been -that- spiteful I would have never got my children back had I allowed him to take them for a 'visit' and he didn't return them. Some of us just can't afford to fly all over the place to get our children.

Maybe my nickname should have been worry-wart. *grins a bit*

 

[haiku]

to nip all this drama in the bud,heres what you do, go down to the courthouse or find a lawyer-I STRONGLY reccomend to everyone to get a lawyer when it involves your children,you can't afford NOT to have one- on Monday and start the petition for custody support and visitation. whether or not you let him see her or he decides he is keeping her, the point will be moot once you get to court.

if you have had her since birth in your home, even if he were to 'keep" her, the strong likelyhood would be you would still get some form of residential custody.

 

[sroutlaw]

That was my first suggestiong, haiku - to get the custody ball rolling. I just thought about the whole thing overnight and wondered about it a bit. I mean, yes, the mom has had the child most of her life - but that doesn't delete the dad from existing or loving the kid just as much. You know? He was good enough to boink, to make baby with, to live with and raise the kid with till now and suddenly because the relationship is over, he is suspect? Kinda odd. I understand it in my heart but can't justify it legally.

As for the "Have you seen this child" posters - don't you notice that those are about kids who already HAVE CPs and NCPs??? Those have already been to court - and the NCP ran off in spite of court orders. There is nothing to stop either parent from taking off before that point - or after it, really. The system doesn't really work for anyone - the NCP misses the kids I am sure, and the CP lives in fear of the kids not coming back from a "visit".

Just too philosophical today I suppose.

 

[stealth2]

This is one reason why it makes sense for neither party to move out (barring safety issues) until papers have been filed and there's a temporary order. Otherwise, both parents have fears of the other withholding and the only one who really suffers is the kid.

 

[haiku]

well that was my point about 'the drama" millions of people separate and divorce, their kids are not all on milk cartons.

 

[Melanie_Jenkins]

sroutlaw/Haiku

(As for the "Have you seen this child" posters - don't you notice that those are about kids who already HAVE CPs and NCPs??? )

Yes, that is why I started a new paragraph stating about how women have more rights than men, and then talked about how they run off with the kids. (Don't forget my addendum here)


Haiku:

I wasn't trying to create drama, and I know millions of divorces happen without this kind of trouble. However, it -is- know that it -can- happen and that is what I was talking about.

Stealth2 made a good point, get everything taken care of before one of the soon-to-be Ex's move out. Unfortunately, this can't always be done since some marriages end on bad terms and people storm out.

Does anyone else watch Lifetime, or John Walsh? I do, it can certainly bring doubts in your mind that you never thought you would have. lol

 

[lovingmom3]

thank you !

To all of you who posted, thank you.

To clear up some things, I don't think he's an undesevering father now just because we're separated. He left me and my 2 girls to go live with his mother. We've been together 3 years and one day said "I'm leaving" and left. He left me w/a mortgage and all sorts of unsettled debt. I pretty much have to clean up everything he left behind, including our broken hearts.

I believe he would take her, only because he doesn't want to pay child support. When asked to pay child support his response "why should I have to pay child support? I don't get to see her that much" His choice obviously, he left us. (I personally believe it was for another woman).

I'm going tomorrow to file for temp custody, I don't want to deny him his right to his daughter. At the same time I do want to protect her, as stated before he's living in a 3 bedroom trailer w/5 people, he shares a bedroom w/his 4 year old daughter (my stepdaughter).

Thank you so much for all the advice!!