Can my Ex take custody of my daughter?

[kellypa2678]

What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania

My situation is this: My exhusband and I have a current custody order that states our 11 year old daughter lives with me Mon - Fri, and he gets her every weekend. This order has been in place and followed for 7 years. I come to find that my ex has been telling our 11 year old that she can come live with him when she turns 12. He told her that she can tell a judge her preference and he will let her live with him. She said that she wants to live with him because she doesn't get to see him all the time and that it's his turn to to have her to live with. I told her it isn't his turn or my turn, it's what is best for her. I told my daughter that it won't happen. Her father (my ex) is unmarried and lives with his father. He is a good father when he spends the time with her, but he likes to party and drink alot of alcohol and he is unpredictable. His relationship with her is more of a "buddy" one than a parent relationship. My ex's own sister and mother ! believe that she needs to stay with me. I need to know what and if any chance he has of getting custody of our daughter, and if the judge would take what my daughters preference is in deciding where she lives. My daughter says that she loves living with me and she also loves going to her dads. She said the only reason for wanting to live with her dad is so she can see him more. I need some advice!! Please help!!

 

[>Charlotte<]

In the event of a custody dispute a judge might, for any number of reasons, decide to consider what the child wants. There is, however, a big, BIG difference between the judge being willing to hear the child, and the child automatically having the right to choose when she turns 12. That is simply not true. There would have to be a substantial change in circumstances for you to lose custody. The fact that your daughter thinks she wants to live with her father just ain't gonna cut it.

That being said, why not try to find some compromise where Dad gets a weeknight or two once in a while? Maybe even extend her weekend visits to a week sometimes? Be careful with that, though, because I think that might create grounds for him to ask for a reduction of child support. You'll definitely want to consult an attorney before you go futzing around with the visitation schedule too much, but a little more here and there might not hurt.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Why is an X talking about this type of thing to a child? Anything in the court order about NOT speaking to the child about these matters?

In Pennsylvania, the court will make child custody decisions solely based upon what is in the best interest and welfare of the child.

In making a custody decision, the court will consider several factors:

* The child's preference
* The ability of each parent to provide for the child's physical, intellectual, emotional well-being
* Which parent is more likely to foster frequent and continuing contact between the child and the non-custodial parent
* Abusive or criminal conduct by either party

My question to the OP: have there been any factors that it would be in the child's "best interest" to uproot her from her home for the past 7 years?

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania

My situation is this: My exhusband and I have a current custody order that states our 11 year old daughter lives with me Mon - Fri, and he gets her every weekend. This order has been in place and followed for 7 years. I come to find that my ex has been telling our 11 year old that she can come live with him when she turns 12. He told her that she can tell a judge her preference and he will let her live with him. She said that she wants to live with him because she doesn't get to see him all the time and that it's his turn to to have her to live with. I told her it isn't his turn or my turn, it's what is best for her. I told my daughter that it won't happen. Her father (my ex) is unmarried and lives with his father. He is a good father when he spends the time with her, but he likes to party and drink alot of alcohol and he is unpredictable. His relationship with her is more of a "buddy" one than a parent relationship. My ex's own sister and mother ! believe that she needs to stay with me. I need to know what and if any chance he has of getting custody of our daughter, and if the judge would take what my daughters preference is in deciding where she lives. My daughter says that she loves living with me and she also loves going to her dads. She said the only reason for wanting to live with her dad is so she can see him more. I need some advice!! Please help!!

In order for his to even have standing to bring a modification of custody suit, there would have to be a change of circumstances. A 12 year old saying " I want!" is NOT a change of circumstances.

Do not discuss this with her. She is a child and neither parent should be having this kind of discussion with a child.

 

[kellypa2678]

Thank you all for your responses.

There has been no change in any circumstance in our house. It has been the same for the last seven years. I know I shouldn't of discussed this with her, I was only thinking of trying to explain things to her so she wouldn't have false hopes. That worries me that she will be "let down" and start to rebel. But you are right, we were both wrong for talking to her about this. He should of never told her that she could go live with him at the age of 12 without talking to me about it. He is very sneaky and talks to Brooke about a lot of things I don't think he should be talking to about with his 12 year old daughter.

I do feel better and stronger knowing that she has been in a stable and loving home for the past 7 years and most likely a judge wouldn't want to change that. She is a wonderful child, smart and bright. She is a straight A and B student. I couldn't possibly see a judge taking out of her current home to place her with her father just because she "wants" too.

Sometimes when I think of his reasoning is that he doesn't want to pay child support anymore, and then again, he goes through these periods of being a perfect parent, and then again he goes through these periods of going out partying. Like this past weekend, he asked me to keep her because his cousin was turning 21 and they were all going out and partying all weekend. I thought he would of came and picked her up on Sunday night to spend some time with her and he could of kept her until Tues or something because he didn't see her all weekend. We tried all Sunday and Monday to get ahold of him but he wouldn't answer his phone.
Our daughter so wants to go live with him, but I just don't feel comfortable with her living there for her safety and her well being. There have been instances that he has drank till he was throwing up and wanted to drive her home but his Aunt wouldn't let him. He told her that she could drive him home because of his Aunt yelling at him and he didn't want to be there. I mean, come on, what the heck kind of parent does this?? I only found out about this a week ago from his own sister. I told her that if she is ever around him again and he is drinking around our daughter , to call me and I will come get her.
So you all thinking that he really has no chance of getting her then?

Thank you again in advance for all your help and guidance.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you all for your responses.

There has been no change in any circumstance in our house. It has been the same for the last seven years. I know I shouldn't of discussed this with her, I was only thinking of trying to explain things to her so she wouldn't have false hopes. That worries me that she will be "let down" and start to rebel. But you are right, we were both wrong for talking to her about this. He should of never told her that she could go live with him at the age of 12 without talking to me about it. He is very sneaky and talks to Brooke about a lot of things I don't think he should be talking to about with his 12 year old daughter.

I do feel better and stronger knowing that she has been in a stable and loving home for the past 7 years and most likely a judge wouldn't want to change that. She is a wonderful child, smart and bright. She is a straight A and B student. I couldn't possibly see a judge taking out of her current home to place her with her father just because she "wants" too.

Sometimes when I think of his reasoning is that he doesn't want to pay child support anymore, and then again, he goes through these periods of being a perfect parent, and then again he goes through these periods of going out partying. Like this past weekend, he asked me to keep her because his cousin was turning 21 and they were all going out and partying all weekend. I thought he would of came and picked her up on Sunday night to spend some time with her and he could of kept her until Tues or something because he didn't see her all weekend. We tried all Sunday and Monday to get ahold of him but he wouldn't answer his phone.
Our daughter so wants to go live with him, but I just don't feel comfortable with her living there for her safety and her well being. There have been instances that he has drank till he was throwing up and wanted to drive her home but his Aunt wouldn't let him. He told her that she could drive him home because of his Aunt yelling at him and he didn't want to be there. I mean, come on, what the heck kind of parent does this?? I only found out about this a week ago from his own sister. I told her that if she is ever around him again and he is drinking around our daughter , to call me and I will come get her.
So you all thinking that he really has no chance of getting her then?

Thank you again in advance for all your help and guidance.

How do you guys normally handle summers? Does she normally spend whole weeks with him during the summer or is it the same arrangement?

If its the same arrangement, you could try reversing it for the summer. That would give her a better idea of what it would really be like to live with her father.

I have a feeling that she really enjoys the weekend time with her dad, but may not grasp that if the situation is reversed, she will be spending the weekend time with you, and that she would actually not really have more time with her father. She may be spending more awake hours with him on the weekends, than you do during the week.

 

[kellypa2678]

For the summer we go by the same schedule. If he wants to take her away for a week anytime of the year, that is okay, and he has done so. If he wants to keep her an extra day like a Monday, I have also let him do that. When he does do that, he is in the period of being a good, responsible and stable parent. However, he is unpredictable with his behavor. He goes on drinking binges and lets her walk to the Turkey Hill 3 blocks from his house and you have to cross a busy road. I only found out about that as well from my ex's sister, which I plan on letting him know that I do not want her to be left to do this. I am sure that it will go in one ear and out the other though. But I could be wrong. I don't want to sit hear and dig the dirt on him, becuase I know that never goes anywhere. I just wanted to stress my point that our daughter has lived with me for 7 years consistently (that is how long the custody order has been in place). Before that, she would spend equal amount of time in both our houses. This is when my ex was engaged. Then when she started to go to school, I convinced him that it would be best for her to have a more stable schedule. So I got her Mon -Fri and it has been like that ever since. He since then is no longer engaged and lives with his father.

You are right, he probably is getting more wake hours with her over the weekend, if not close too. I really don't think she understands that, like you said, but another possible motivation for this for him might be freeing up his weekends, so that he can continue to binge. I don't know. Just a thought.

 

[majomom1]

How do you guys normally handle summers? Does she normally spend whole weeks with him during the summer or is it the same arrangement?

If its the same arrangement, you could try reversing it for the summer. That would give her a better idea of what it would really be like to live with her father.

I have a feeling that she really enjoys the weekend time with her dad, but may not grasp that if the situation is reversed, she will be spending the weekend time with you, and that she would actually not really have more time with her father. She may be spending more awake hours with him on the weekends, than you do during the week.

OP, this is a great suggestion. the best thing for the kids to see is that the grass is not greener and the fun "weekend" stuff will not be the normal week. Unfortunately you cannot stop Dad from talking to your daughter about this and if he is trying to get out of child support, he will continue, they all seem to.

There seem to be a lot of people out there telling kids that they can choose, or have to choose when they turn 12. That seems to be a magic number lately.

 

[kellypa2678]

OP, this is a great suggestion. the best thing for the kids to see is that the grass is not greener and the fun "weekend" stuff will not be the normal week. Unfortunately you cannot stop Dad from talking to your daughter about this and if he is trying to get out of child support, he will continue, they all seem to.

There seem to be a lot of people out there telling kids that they can choose, or have to choose when they turn 12. That seems to be a magic number lately.

So that is not true then? I mean I know that a judge might hear what my daughter has to say, but do they understand what you said. That the fun weekend stuff is not always the case for a full week. Will the judge (if it comes to this) look at the stability she has and up root her?
I try to do as much as a can with my daughter. She is in horse lessons, band, and is frequently in plays. We bake, yard sell, play the PS2 together, and we have our movie times. I don't know what else I could do. I do all this and still manage to make sure the wash is done, and the house is cleaned, I make sure she has a home cooked dinner everynight (sometimes we order Pizza Hut) and she gets to bed on a decent time.

 

[kellypa2678]

Another thing I want to mention is our daughter does see how he is when he goes out, he sleeps all the next day and she basically has to keep herself entertained while he rest from his ventures the night before. She tells me (I don't ask) that he tells her that she is the reason he is alive, and that somedays he doesn't feel like living and that she gives him that feeling to live. I believe with all my heart, that she should not be hearing this sort of thing. I couldn't imagine what she feels right now knowing this. I know without a doubt, that I would fight, money or not, so that she wouldn't have to go live with him. The uncertainty of it all is too much for me.

About a month ago, my ex went thru surgery and was off work for about a month. During the week(acouple days) he would pick her up (from the bus stop) and take her home with him and cook for her and make sure she had dinner. This was all great,I was impressed, but heck, if I didn't have to work, I could be a wonder world parent too.

 

[majomom1]

So that is not true then? I mean I know that a judge might hear what my daughter has to say, but do they understand what you said. That the fun weekend stuff is not always the case for a full week. Will the judge (if it comes to this) look at the stability she has and up root her?
I try to do as much as a can with my daughter. She is in horse lessons, band, and is frequently in plays. We bake, yard sell, play the PS2 together, and we have our movie times. I don't know what else I could do. I do all this and still manage to make sure the wash is done, and the house is cleaned, I make sure she has a home cooked dinner everynight (sometimes we order Pizza Hut) and she gets to bed on a decent time.

It is true that the judge MAY listen to her at 12, but they would not change custody based on just that. You have nothing to worry about. The judge will look at the current stability and you do not have to be Super Mom, don't let your ex scare you.

The court would frown on your ex bringing the child in, or trying to change custody just on that basis. Your ex would have to meet the change of circumstances and the other factors for custody. Without those, the court would probably not even allow your daughter in court.

 

[kellypa2678]

It is true that the judge MAY listen to her at 12, but they would not change custody based on just that. You have nothing to worry about. The judge will look at the current stability and you do not have to be Super Mom, don't let your ex scare you.

The court would frown on your ex bringing the child in, or trying to change custody just on that basis. Your ex would have to meet the change of circumstances and the other factors for custody. Without those, the court would probably not even allow your daughter in court.

Thank you so much!! I am almost in tears with relief. Your words are encouraging. The only thing my husband has to go on with this is that our daughter wants to live with him soley because she doesn't get to see him as much as us, and that he does fun things with her on the weekends(he takes her to the get togethers that he is invited to). This is it. There isn't one thing he can say about our home, how we raise her, or anything on that matter. So I am breathing a sigh of relief. He does intimidate me, and I don't know why. I shouldn't let it get to me as I do. My ex sister inlaw tells me the same thing. I just love our daughter so much and I don't want anything bad to happen to her, and I want her to have a stable home and enviroment, where she will feel comfortable, regardless if she thinks I am to over protective of her.

Thank you again.

 

[majomom1]

Another thing I want to mention is our daughter does see how he is when he goes out, he sleeps all the next day and she basically has to keep herself entertained while he rest from his ventures the night before. She tells me (I don't ask) that he tells her that she is the reason he is alive, and that somedays he doesn't feel like living and that she gives him that feeling to live. I believe with all my heart, that she should not be hearing this sort of thing. I couldn't imagine what she feels right now knowing this. I know without a doubt, that I would fight, money or not, so that she wouldn't have to go live with him. The uncertainty of it all is too much for me.

About a month ago, my ex went thru surgery and was off work for about a month. During the week(acouple days) he would pick her up (from the bus stop) and take her home with him and cook for her and make sure she had dinner. This was all great,I was impressed, but heck, if I didn't have to work, I could be a wonder world parent too.

This is so wrong to be telling a child, but you will not be able to control what he says to her. Is she in counseling? It might not hurt. Some parents do play these games with the kids... it is so so wrong, but you cannot stop it. Check out the book Divorce Poison. It gives some great examples of things YOU can say to your daughter to help her. You don't want to talk to her about adult issues, but you do need to correct and address some of the things he is saying to her. His crap about living for her is a guilt trip he is trying to lay on her and she needs to hear, understand and believe that Dad is responsible for Dad.... not her.

 

[kellypa2678]

This is so wrong to be telling a child, but you will not be able to control what he says to her. Is she in counseling? It might not hurt. Some parents do play these games with the kids... it is so so wrong, but you cannot stop it. Check out the book Divorce Poison. It gives some great examples of things YOU can say to your daughter to help her. You don't want to talk to her about adult issues, but you do need to correct and address some of the things he is saying to her. His crap about living for her is a guilt trip he is trying to lay on her and she needs to hear, understand and believe that Dad is responsible for Dad.... not her.

I am going to go to Amazon.com now to order that book. I think it would be good for me as I don't know how to respond to her when she tells me this stuff. It's no wonder why she wants to be with him, she probably is scared that something might happen to him if she is not with him. Thank you again for letting me know about this book. I really think it will help. She was in counseling awhile ago for making some threats at school(said she wanted to die)almost killed me on the spot hearing it. I took her to the ER that day I got that call from the school and they said she should see a counselor. I took her to see him and acouple times her father was to take her he forgot and said that she didn't need it. She seemed to get better and she didn't make those threats anymore, so I stopped. A major mistake on my part. I am going to seek another counselor out so that she can go to talk to them. I also think this will help when she tells him what her father tells her, he can correct it. For whatever reason, she believes her father and no one else. It might shed some light on that with her. To see that this is not how things should be.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Recommended reading:

Parenting After Divorce, A Guide to Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children's Needs by Philip Stahl, Ph.D.

Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak

It helps understand what is going on.