Casket Flag in a will

[commentator]

I am a little mystified about the specialness of a casket flag. They give these items to the family after a veteran passes away, righ? We have a couple of them somewhere. I suppose I am old and have seen a lot of things being fought over by the heirs. In my family this thing was a gun. A very old, very special somewhat monetarily valuable old gun given to my father by his grandmother. Willed to me, given to my brother, who very happily took it.

But you know what? As one older lady told me at the time, "Oh child, never get so upset like this over any possession. One good house fire and neither one of you will have it!" She had lost her home and everything twice in both a fire and a natural disaster. And thinking about it, it makes sense. My brother is very proud of that gun, I see it displayed at his home and having changed the way I think about it, it brings me just as much happiness if I had it on MY mantle.

A casket flag, well, it tends to stay on the closet shelf, and when you are gone, and your grandchildren are dealing with your posessions, "Whoopie! A flag in a plastic sleeve. Think it belonged to grand dad or someone. How useful!" The kids don't even want your pricelesss mahogany family dining room table, or the silver and china your mother fought so hard to keep. The antique stores are full of these things that cannot even be given away.
I really think you should think about how grateful the grandchild this was willed to would be and how much they would treasure this flag and keep it on their closet shelf versus how much the man's daughter wants this flag. It sounds to me like an odd issue to be tearing the family apart over.

Someone recently gifted my husband a huge ornate family Bible from his family, this gentleman is in his high eighties, has outlived all his family members, and his grandchildren and great grandchildren have absolutely no interest in and no place to keep this antique family heirloom with all the family records in it. We are setting up a local heritage site, and are going to place it there. But when you think how much it cost, in the late 1880's, and what a treasure it was considered to be by the family members of earlier generations....it is sad but reality. These things we cherish do not mean so much to the future generations. "Who gets it?" can bring you much unhappiness moreso than joy if you are not thoughtful about it.

 

[stealth2]

A casket flag, well, it tends to stay on the closet shelf, and when you are gone, and your grandchildren are dealing with your posessions, "Whoopie! A flag in a plastic sleeve. Think it belonged to grand dad or someone. How useful!"

I dunno, @commentator ... After my Dad passed and was buried, the funeral home (we LOL because it wasn't free) had a case engraved w/Dad's info and the flag placed in it. It was displayed in the DR until Mom passed and I moved. It is now displayed in our new home on the mantle w/ family photos and other mementos. Never stuffed on the top shelf of a closet...

 

[Just Blue]

I am a little mystified about the specialness of a casket flag. They give these items to the family after a veteran passes away, righ? We have a couple of them somewhere. I suppose I am old and have seen a lot of things being fought over by the heirs. In my family this thing was a gun. A very old, very special somewhat monetarily valuable old gun given to my father by his grandmother. Willed to me, given to my brother, who very happily took it.

But you know what? As one older lady told me at the time, "Oh child, never get so upset like this over any posession. One good house fire and neither one of you will have it!" She had lost her home and everything twice in both a fire and a natural disaster. And thinking about it, it makes sense. My brother is very proud of that gun, I see it displayed at his home and having changed the way I think about it, it brings me just as much happiness if I had it on MY mantle.

A casket flag, well, it tends to stay on the closet shelf, and when you are gone, and your grandchildren are dealing with your posessions, "Whoopie! A flag in a plastic sleeve. Think it belonged to grand dad or someone. How useful!" The kids don't even want your pricelesss mahogany family dining room table, or the silver and china your mother fought so hard to keep. The antique stores are full of these things that cannot even be given away.
I really think you should think about how grateful the grandchild this was willed to would be and how much they would treasure this flag and keep it on their closet shelf versus how much the man's daughter wants this flag. It sounds to me like an odd issue to be tearing the family apart over.

Someone recently gifted my husband a huge ornate family Bible from his family, he is in his high eighties, and his grandchildren and great grandchildren have absolutely no interest in and no place to keep this antique family heirloom with all the family record in it. We are setting up a local heritage site, and are going to place it there. But when you think how much it cost, in the late 1880's, and what a treasure it was considered to be by the family members of earlier generations....it is sad but reality. These things do not mean so much to the future generations.

Personally, I could never understand the in-fighting over "stuff". Whether the stuff is green paper or doodads matters not. My sister was really upset that she didn't get a candy dish (very nice and about 250 years old at the time) that belonged to my paternal grandmother, whom she had been very close to. My other sister ended up with it because she was the one dealing with the estate making sure everything was done and delt with. Sister 1 had a huge hissy fit and complained...not to sister 2, but to the rest of us. I said to Sis 1... Tell her what it means to you and ask for it. So she did and ... gasp!!... Sis 2 handed it over to her without hesitation.

Personally, the memories of my loved one are the most important and cherished things to me. Everything else is just clutter.

 

[commentator]

I understand. But actually, I think I would rather have the flag that your dad actually had in his possession while he was around. To me, those flags are sad, because they mean someone has died who was one of the "old guard." We have a lot of medals and military papers and uniforms and flags being given to us at the heritage site. In fact, we are almost drowning in them! As long as it is meaningful and is displayed and now you are using it to bring you joy with the memories, that is a very good thing. But that doesn't mean that future generations will feel the same.

 

[stealth2]

Personally, I could never understand the in-fighting over "stuff". Whether the stuff is green paper or doodads matters not. My sister was really upset that she didn't get a candy dish (very nice and about 250 years old at the time) that belonged to my paternal grandmother, whom she had been very close to. My other sister ended up with it because she was the one dealing with the estate making sure everything was done and delt with. Sister 1 had a huge hissy fit and complained...not to sister 2, but to the rest of us. I said to Sis 1... Tell her what it means to you and ask for it. So she did and ... gasp!!... Sis 2 handed it over to her without hesitation.

Personally, the memories of my loved one are the most important and cherished things to me. Everything else is just clutter.

Ditto. While my brother was Executor, I lived in the house where everything was. He also had no interest in going through anything. When he asked if I'd found something or asked for something of meaning to him, I handed it over to him w/o question. There were something I might have stood my ground on if he'd asked, and others I'd likely have bartered over. At the end of the day, it's "stuff"...

 

[stealth2]

But that doesn't mean that future generations will feel the same.

I'm pretty sure my kids will. The grands? Hard to know, but I'll be gone by then!

 

[Taxing Matters]

My understanding is that we are required to honor her will and she wanted to leave it to their grandson. Unfortunately my stepsister is insisting there is a law that overrides the will in Florida however I am not finding it.

There is a tradition in the military that a casket flag is given to the military's surviving spouse or, if there is no spouse, to one of the surviving children when there is a military burial. I looked for any federal statute on this and found none. Note that his will would not have had any effect on where the flag goes because that flag was not his property when he died and thus was never part of his estate. It was the property of the military (if it was a military funeral) until the military gave it to a surviving family member. Even if there was federal law regarding to whom the flag goes it's very unlikey that the law would go any further than specifying the first person to get it. Absent any law that does go further than the first person to get it then once the spouse, child, etc is given the flag by the military that flag becomes that person's property and state law determines what happens with the flag like any other property the person owns. If she thinks there is a federal law that says that dictates what happens with the flag when the person who received it from the military dies and that law covers who gets after the person to have it dies she's the one that has to find it and give you the citation so you look and see it for yourself. Until then she's just blowing a lot of smoke hoping she can get the flag by jawboning from the person who has it.

 

[commentator]

I watched a mink stole be sold at an estate sale, the woman bought it for her daughter, who wanted it to play with for her dolls. Remembering the discussion back in the day when my uncle bought it for his wife, and the competition and criticism it gave the other family members. But guns, candy dishes, casket flags, family Bibles, there is no way we can ever guarantee that our heirs and descendents will feel the same or value the same things. I sure wouldn't let it ruin my family life or bring me grief, after hearing the lady I mentioned above talking about how she had a picture of her very remote great great....but of course that's all gone now. At least she'll never walk in and see a picture of one of her ancient relatives hanging on the wall of the Cracker Barrel, as the poem speaks of!

 

[Taxing Matters]

Personally, I could never understand the in-fighting over "stuff"

I get it. Especially at the time of death those who were at least somewhat close to the deceased might be strongly attached to something the deceased either because it's something that they particularly cherish as a reminder of the deceased or they just always really liked it. When it comes to personal property like furniture, various kinds of collections (whether it's stamp collection or anything else) and the like in the vast majority of cases they have little monetary value. I've seen plenty of estate sales to know that stuff sells pretty cheap at those auctions.

My step grandmother really wanted my sister and I to take all the stuff she had because they were special to her and my grandfather when he was alive. We were the only family she had left. We assured her that would take the items because that made her happy. But we didn't say how long we'd keep them, and most of the items we let go at an estate sale because neither of us had the room for it and we each only had a couple of cherished items at most and who got what wasn't hard to sort out.

Pretty much every relative and estate planning client 'Ive had feels the same way my step grandmother did: they see their personal property as really important (and perhaps valuable) because it meant something to THEM and they put a high value on them. They are sure that family will feel the same way and cherish the things as much as they did. I've never really tried to change their minds on that as that's my job as an attorney and doing that would only upset them. As a result of my experiences I am under no illusion that my family members will care about or want any personal property I have. I have put a provision in my will asking that if no one really wants something that they at least sell it or donate it so that someone who would like it will get some use and joy from it. Basically, I just don't want my stuff to get thrown away. That's not good for the environment and I'd hate to think that perfectly useful things will end up in a landfill because my executor didn't want to bother taking the little extra step to auction them and get a little money from them or have the beneficiary donate the stuff (and get a tax deduction for it, which provides some value for them).

I can't get worked up about insisting someone take something of mine and certainly don't want people fighting over it. Once I'm dead, it's no longer my stuff anyway and won't be in a position to care who gets it. As long as they just don't throw useful items out, that's all I want.

On the other hand, I do see why people fight over the money and real estate the deceased had because that's actually monetarily valuable and that's typically what generates most estate fights.