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Change in work shift, parenting time change

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MNDad21713

Junior Member
Change in work shift, parenting time change and ex and I can't come to agreement

What is the name of your state (Minnesota)?

I am the dad and have joint legal custody of our 18 month old son. Currently, the parenting schedule I have as the non-custodial parent while I have been working second shift 2pm-10pm (mom works 1st shift 9am-6pm) is that I have our son every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 9am until 1pm where I drop him off at daycare until mom gets him at 6:30 and every other Saturday overnight from 12-12 on Sunday. Mom and I had a very rough break up before our son was born and there is still a lot of tension to this day.

Next week I start a permanent first shift schedule working 6am-2pm so obviously my parenting schedule would have to change. Mom is offering me every Tuesday and Thursday only during the week from 2:00-7:00 and my Saturday to Sunday every other weekend to stay unchanged. She states that me moving to first shift and taking my son in the afternoon disrupts her parenting time as well as my sons nap and dinner time.

My son is used to seeing me at the minimum three times a week, so I don't want any less time than that. We are at a stand still and I don't know what to do. I don't think it's fair to me or my son for me to see him less.

Ex got pregnant at the start of our relationship. She had two girls from her previous marriage (aged 6 and 7 at the time her and I were dating). She explained to me after she was pregnant that she was on medication for Bi-polar, depression and extreme anxiety. She was always reluctant to letting me visit her apartment until three months into our relationship she got notice that she was being evicted from her apartment due to not paying on time. When she finally let me over to her apartment to have me help her clean the place out, I was shocked at the state it was in. There was literally no floor space from the second you walked into the two bedroom apartment, everything was covered in clothes, garbage and cat urine. It was something straight out of the tv show Hoarders and that is no exaggeration. It was terrible. I finally realized why she took forever to let me come over to her place. But now that I was having a baby with this woman, I decided to do what I could to help her out. Her and I spent the better part of that weekend cleaning her apartment as best as we good. The following weekend is when she had to be out of her place and even though we busted our butts that weekend, I had to convince her the following weekend to allow family members of mine to come over and help her out because we just couldn't get it done in time. During our clean out that second weekend, I wanted to throw nearly everything away. Almost every area of that house was covered in cat urine, including her girls' toys, dirty clothes, etc. The ex threw a FIT when i was throwing things away because she is a classic hoarder. Couldn't part with anything. Even something as small as a torn up and peed on puzzle piece. I told her we could find a new puzzle at the store for $5, but she wouldn't throw it away.

Anyways, she moved in for one weekend with her grandparents as her and I searched for a house to rent and a week later we were moved in together. During the next two months, her girls and I became very close. With us moving, her girls changed school districts and as a result, her girls were nervous about a new school. Being that I worked second shift during the day, I watched her girls in the mornings after the ex went to work. Before school, I would help the youngest one get dressed, and feed them both breakfast. I would then drive them to school every day and walked them to their classrooms. Things with her girls were going great, but when it came to their mom and I, things spiraled out of control. With her being off her medication, she would go through extreme mood swings and be friendly one minute and the very next second, fly off the handle if you looked at her wrong. It was VERY hard on me. I am a sensitive man and don't take kindly to insults. She has no problem throwing every swear word at you under the sun, even if it's in front of her children or in public. It was my first time ever meeting someone with a bi-polar disorder and it really was hard on me.

Towards the end of our relationship (two months after we moved in together, 6 months into dating her), I found out she had been lying to me the entire time about being divorced. Her entire story from the beginning, was that she was divorced for over two years and that her girls rarely saw their dad. She always told me that he was a dead beat that wanting nothing to do with his children. I took her at her word. She eventually tells me that they are not divorced, or even legally separated. As much tension was in our relationship, that was the final straw that did it for me. We ended up breaking up after that and after I discovered she had been telling her best friend that she wishes she could have aborted our child but couldn't because she was too late into her pregnancy. Hearing that she wanted to abort was very hard on me as I was so excited to become a father. I felt extremely betrayed by her and wanted nothing to do with her.

The day we broke up, she visited an abuse shelter in our county and stated that she felt unsafe around me and started living with her grandparents (which she still lives in to this day). A few days later I was served at work a harassment order that fell through after we went to court and the judge threw it out after it was discovered that she made the story up. Fast forward to the days leading up to our sons birth and I had done all the research I could. I filed for recognition of parentage, had her husband sign some form that exempted him from being considered my sons father and did what I had to. The day my son was born, she allowed me to visit him in the hospital for 15 minutes and then asked me to leave as she "didn't feel comfortable" around me. Fast forward a few more days, and she claims again she doesn't feel comfortable around me and I have to file a bunch of paperwork to the court requesting parenting time. It took a couple months for everything to work its way through the system and after all was said and done, I didn't see my son for a little over 3 months from the 15 minutes the day he was born. After court that day, the judge flat out told her that if she continues to alienate my son from me, she could lose custody.

The court ends up assigning a guardian to our case and after her review, I end up with getting to see my son on Monday, Wednesday and Friday one week for three hours at a time, and on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday the following week for three hours at a time. A few months later we ended up going to mediation because I wanted more time, and she refused. In mediation (child is now 8 months old), it was agreed upon that I will see him every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for four hours (9am-1pm) and every other Saturday for 6 hours. Once our son turned one, I would get him overnight 6pm Saturday until 10am Sunday, with a gradual increase in my parenting time every six months working my way up to 50/50 custody by the time my son is 5. The time rolls around that my son is about to turn one and she recanted everything that her and I agreed to stating that my son was not ready for overnights. She claimed that this was a result of spending too much time away from her during the week and spending overnights with me wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

I again take her to mediation after the court orders it and again the judge was very stern with her warning her to stop playing games with my parenting time with our son. Our attorneys and us helped us reach an agreement in our second mediation no different than what we agreed to 8 months prior and I now have a temporary schedule of me getting him overnights 12pm Saturday until 12pm Sunday. Once our son turns two this March, I will get him for an entire weekend overnight.

We currently have an evidentiary hearing set for the middle of December where the judge will decide on a permanent schedule. Me moving to 1st shift was kind of unexpected and we are in the process of having a parenting expediter assigned to our case so she can help her and I when it comes to parenting time decisions.

Am I in the wrong for disputing the current parenting plan she is offering me? Her excuse right now is that "our son needs to be in daycare full time for him to develop social skills" and me taking him instead of him being in daycare will be detrimental to his development. She also states that it will interfere with his nap and dinner time and will also interfere with her parenting time with him during the nights that I have him.

I understand that she wants to see him at night (as do I), but I look at it as he lives with her. I love nothing more than to watch my first child grow up in front of me and deep down she knows I am a good parent. She is holding all of these grudges for whatever reason, and currently comes up with any excuse to interfere with my time with him. She never lets me know about any of his doctor visits, doesn't tell me where to pick him up in the morning (daycare or at her house where her grandparents watch him while she works) and overall makes my life a living hell in trying to interfere with my time with our son.

We are currently waiting for the judge to sign our temporary agreement we agreed to in court a couple weeks ago and I can't use the parenting expediter we agreed to until that temporary order is signed. With me switching to first shift next week, all that I can think of is agreeing to her proposal temporarily and hope that the expediter doesn't take forever to get utilized. With my current schedule, my son goes no longer than two consecutive days without seeing me. With her new proposal with my new shift, he will go 4 days without seeing me. Obviously, that is a huge issue to me and I want to make sure I see my son as often as I get to now.

Please help.
 
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CJane

Senior Member
You don't think it's fair that YOU will be seeing your son less, but you think it's perfectly fair that MOM would be? How does THAT make sense?

Your son is used to spending 3 daytimes/week with you, and almost EVERY night with his mother. Please explain why the disruption that your work schedule is causing is more OK than the disruption that Mom is proposing.
 

MNDad21713

Junior Member
You don't think it's fair that YOU will be seeing your son less, but you think it's perfectly fair that MOM would be? How does THAT make sense?

Your son is used to spending 3 daytimes/week with you, and almost EVERY night with his mother. Please explain why the disruption that your work schedule is causing is more OK than the disruption that Mom is proposing.
Because I am NOT interfering with her parenting time during the week. She doesn't see our son until 6:30pm. I get off work at 2. Why should my son be at daycare when I can be with him every single day during that time? Isn't being with a parent better than being in daycare?

My son hardly sees his mother during the week other than when he wakes up and she has to leave shortly after for work. He has been mainly raised by her grandparents (at least during the week).
 

CJane

Senior Member
None of those details really matter, though.

Look, you're new at this. You've got a LONG time to deal with Mom still, and it's going to go a LOT better if you get some stuff straight in your head.

Nothing that happens/ed before the most recent court action matters.

Mom's mental health was known to you early on in your relationship. You CHOSE to have her move in with you anyway.

You have (or will soon have) an order, and Mom is under no obligation to deviate from that order at all.

In order to change the custody/visitation schedule, you usually need a change in the CHILD's circumstances... a change in your work schedule might not meet that requirement.

You cannot go into court and say that it would be detrimental to your child to no longer spend 3 days/week with you - but that the child SHOULD spend less time with Mom in order to support your new schedule. It doesn't work that way.
 

CJane

Senior Member
What Mom is proposing is 10 hours a week (5 hours each Tue/Thu). You're currently spending 12 hours/week (4 hours each Mon/Wed/Fri) with your child. She's not trying to short you a day - she's offering you a compromise that nets you TWO HOURS LESS with your child. TWO HOURS.

Does it really make sense to you to go to court over two hours?
 

MNDad21713

Junior Member
What Mom is proposing is 10 hours a week (5 hours each Tue/Thu). You're currently spending 12 hours/week (4 hours each Mon/Wed/Fri) with your child. She's not trying to short you a day - she's offering you a compromise that nets you TWO HOURS LESS with your child. TWO HOURS.

Does it really make sense to you to go to court over two hours?

Your right, I do have a long way to go. However, you never answered my question. Why shouldn't I be watching my child instead of him being at daycare?
 
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MNDad21713

Junior Member
None of those details really matter, though.

Look, you're new at this. You've got a LONG time to deal with Mom still, and it's going to go a LOT better if you get some stuff straight in your head.

Nothing that happens/ed before the most recent court action matters.

Mom's mental health was known to you early on in your relationship. You CHOSE to have her move in with you anyway.

You have (or will soon have) an order, and Mom is under no obligation to deviate from that order at all.

In order to change the custody/visitation schedule, you usually need a change in the CHILD's circumstances... a change in your work schedule might not meet that requirement.

You cannot go into court and say that it would be detrimental to your child to no longer spend 3 days/week with you - but that the child SHOULD spend less time with Mom in order to support your new schedule. It doesn't work that way.
So you're saying that because my situation changed and not my child's, the courts won't make an attempt to alter my schedule with him? So because I switched jobs, I no longer see my child because it's physically impossible to have him during the week since I'm at work?
 

CJane

Senior Member
Your right, I do have a log way to go. However, you never answered my question. Why shouldn't I be watching my child instead of him being at daycare?
Because mom gets to make decisions about the child when it's Mom's time. Which means if Mom wants kiddo in daycare/preschool/whatever while she's at work, and it's not your court ordered time, then that's her decision to make. Whether or not *I believe the child is "better off" with a parent than daycare isn't relevant.
 

CJane

Senior Member
So you're saying that because my situation changed and not my child's, the courts won't make an attempt to alter my schedule with him? So because I switched jobs, I no longer see my child because it's physically impossible to have him during the week since I'm at work?
I'm saying that you can't count on the court being in any hurry to change a VERY RECENT order (so recent it's not even in your possession yet) because your work schedule changed.

And really. Stop being so dramatic. Mom is OFFERING YOU TIME with the child while you're not at work. Time that amounts to only 2 hours less per week than you CURRENTLY have.

Why should the court entertain your desire to fight over 2 hours?
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
I'm saying that you can't count on the court being in any hurry to change a VERY RECENT order (so recent it's not even in your possession yet) because your work schedule changed.

And really. Stop being so dramatic. Mom is OFFERING YOU TIME with the child while you're not at work. Time that amounts to only 2 hours less per week than you CURRENTLY have.

Why should the court entertain your desire to fight over 2 hours?
I agree with what CJane is saying.

Dad, your son has a certain amount of "awake" time each week that is available to be spent with a parent that is also awake. Once your child starts school, that will change to a certain amount of awake time that is not take up by school. Your child also does need socialization with other children in order to be prepared for school.

The mornings really cannot be counted since those are spent with getting mom ready for work and the child ready for daycare. Come March you will have full weekends every other weekend.

Mom is offering you 10 hours of awake time during the week, and she would actually be getting a bit less. Since I bet the child is in bed by 8:30, and you admit that she doesn't see the child until 6:30, then you keeping the child until 7:00 on your days, gives her about 9 hours to your 10.

Now, I see a possible compromise that would be able to be maintained once the child starts school. Find out what time the child would be getting out of school in your school district. Agree that your schedule NOW, will start on weekdays at the time that school would be getting out for him once he is older. Maybe that is 3:00 or 3:30...for an example. You pick up the child from daycare that time each week day, and return the child to mom when she gets off work each week day. that would be less likely to interfere with nap time and maximize his socialization time at school each week, and maximizes your time with the child, but also maximizes mom's. You would still end up with a little more awake time than mom, but it wouldn't be taking anything away from her.
 

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