Change Venue to Another State with Children Involved?

[June888]

What is the name of your state? Colorado


I have a divorce case with my husband. We have three children together. The case has been getting dragged out by my husband for over a year now. He was previously abusive and has a prior criminal record, including domestic violence against me. He doesn’t really want the divorce, hence why he has been holding it off. Some days he supports the idea, other days he opposes it. With him being bi-polar, you never know what you’re going to get any given day.

While the divorce is ongoing here in Colorado, I have been wanting to move to Tampa for the past year and a half. When I discussed it with my (hopefully soon to be) ex, he was supportive of all of us moving down to Tampa for better work opportunities, etc. It came up multiple times over the last year, and he kept saying he was ready to when me and the kids were. However, recently he has been telling me the only way he will let me and the kids move down there is if I drop the divorce case and give him another chance.

I have not been with him since the inception of the divorce in January of 2018. Within the last few months, I have fallen head-over-heels in love with someone who lives in the Tampa area. The only thing keeping me from him is my ex refusing to let us move the kids down there to Florida.

It is heartbreaking, because I can get a much better paying job in Tampa and the man of my dreams lives there. My love in Tampa has children with an ex as well, so him moving here isn’t a choice due to their parenting plan. My ex knows I have wanted to move to Tampa for years, and now, he is keeping me from doing it purely to spite me.

What can I do? What is the best way to handle something like this? I know if I catch my ex in the right mood, he will be willing to move to Tampa. However, we are doing this by ourselves and cannot afford an attorney, so I have no idea what I would need to include in our agreement to even make the move legal and by the book?

I have three kids and NO child support at all from him, so please don’t give me the cliché answer of “hire an attorney.” I struggle to find a way to feed my kids and keep a roof over our heads, so if your only answer is going to be “you need an attorney,” please just refrain from replying, as you will be wasting both your and my time. I already tried making a “Go Fund Me” page months ago and have tried other fundraising methods, but I am from another country and as such, my social circle here is small and so it is NOT an option.

One of my friends suggested that I drop the divorce case here in Colorado (which my ex will definitely agree to do), move to Florida with the children, and then refile the divorce there so they have jurisdiction in Florida. I feel it is a bit underhanded, but with how manipulative my ex is being and how long he has dragged it out, I am desperate. I am also not sure how long I would need to actually live in Florida until I could file for the divorce again there? Also, until I was able to file in Florida, he could always refile the divorce in Colorado and force me to come back, right?

I cry every night these days and am desperate for help. Whatever advice you can give would be appreciated.

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state? Colorado


I have a divorce case with my husband. We have three children together. The case has been getting dragged out by my husband for over a year now. He was previously abusive and has a prior criminal record, including domestic violence against me. He doesn’t really want the divorce, hence why he has been holding it off. Some days he supports the idea, other days he opposes it. With him being bi-polar, you never know what you’re going to get any given day.

While the divorce is ongoing here in Colorado, I have been wanting to move to Tampa for the past year and a half. When I discussed it with my (hopefully soon to be) ex, he was supportive of all of us moving down to Tampa for better work opportunities, etc. It came up multiple times over the last year, and he kept saying he was ready to when me and the kids were. However, recently he has been telling me the only way he will let me and the kids move down there is if I drop the divorce case and give him another chance.

I have not been with him since the inception of the divorce in January of 2018. Within the last few months, I have fallen head-over-heels in love with someone who lives in the Tampa area. The only thing keeping me from him is my ex refusing to let us move the kids down there to Florida.

It is heartbreaking, because I can get a much better paying job in Tampa and the man of my dreams lives there. My love in Tampa has children with an ex as well, so him moving here isn’t a choice due to their parenting plan. My ex knows I have wanted to move to Tampa for years, and now, he is keeping me from doing it purely to spite me.

What can I do? What is the best way to handle something like this? I know if I catch my ex in the right mood, he will be willing to move to Tampa. However, we are doing this by ourselves and cannot afford an attorney, so I have no idea what I would need to include in our agreement to even make the move legal and by the book?

I have three kids and NO child support at all from him, so please don’t give me the cliché answer of “hire an attorney.” I struggle to find a way to feed my kids and keep a roof over our heads, so if your only answer is going to be “you need an attorney,” please just refrain from replying, as you will be wasting both your and my time. I already tried making a “Go Fund Me” page months ago and have tried other fundraising methods, but I am from another country and as such, my social circle here is small and so it is NOT an option.

One of my friends suggested that I drop the divorce case here in Colorado (which my ex will definitely agree to do), move to Florida with the children, and then refile the divorce there so they have jurisdiction in Florida. I feel it is a bit underhanded, but with how manipulative my ex is being and how long he has dragged it out, I am desperate. I am also not sure how long I would need to actually live in Florida until I could file for the divorce again there? Also, until I was able to file in Florida, he could always refile the divorce in Colorado and force me to come back, right?

I cry every night these days and am desperate for help. Whatever advice you can give would be appreciated.

I'm going to comment on two things.

1. Your "love of your life" is really just a rebound. Seriously...refrain from making decisions based on a rebound relationship.

2. The friend that advised to drop the divorce and refile in Florida after moving with the children is foolish. Your ex would file in the correct jurisdiction for the immediate return of the children and your actions would be held against you with EXTREME prejudice by the Judge.

 

[stealth2]

In addition to Blue's points, something else to bear in mind... IF you do get to move the children to FL and your (ex/stbx) husband does not also move? You may find yourself responsible for all parenting time transportation costs. Will your "much better paying" job in FL support that?

 

[Taxing Matters]

One of my friends suggested that I drop the divorce case here in Colorado (which my ex will definitely agree to do), move to Florida with the children, and then refile the divorce there so they have jurisdiction in Florida.

First, you'd have to move there and establish residency for six months before you could file for divorce in Florida. Unless your husband is also living in Florida at the time there will be a problem that the court would lack personal jurisdiction over him. So if he stays in Colorado you'd end up having to file in Colorado for the divorce, property settlement, and child custody/visitation matters anyway.

Leading your husband on to think you are giving up the divorce because you want to get back together and get him to move to Florida with you only to promptly file for divorce after six months is indeed underhanded. That will at the very least pretty much guarantee poisoning things between the two of you even more. That's probably not good for you and certainly not good for the kids. He might try to use that against you in the Florida proceedings, too. What effect that might have would depend on how that affects the judge's view of you. It certainly wouldn't help you. It might hurt you, though.

You are already into a divorce proceeding in Colorado. The details of where you are at in those proceedings matter. It is not a given that the court would prevent you from taking the kids with you should you decide to move to Florida. You may want to file the appropriate motion to get the court to approve that. It may mean you'd be on the hook for paying for the airfare for visitation back to Colorado though if the court approves it.

How likely is it that your husband really wants to have custody of the kids? It may be that when it really comes down to it he'll (perhaps reluctantly) not oppose the move if you tell him you are going regardless and if he opposes you taking the kids then he can have primary custody of them. If what he is doing is using the kid card only as a way to try to keep you from leaving him that card becomes useless once it's apparent you're not going to give up on the divorce.

Colorado allows for some unbundling of legal services. You might try consulting a family law attorney on just the issue of handling the move without hiring the lawyer to handle the whole divorce and child custody/support matters. That can help you keep the cost lower but yet give you some solid legal direction on what to do. You can also see if you can find some free/low cost legal help for your divorce.

 

[Ohiogal]

Did your husband file a counterclaim? Truthfully you are on the verge of committing adultery if you haven't already. Why would you expose your children to your paramour when you are not divorced and don't know how long the relationship will last? Hopefully they have not already met your paramour.

Leave the children with your ex and move to be with your love. or have your love move to where you are and get a job there.

 

[June888]

I'm going to comment on two things.

1. Your "love of your life" is really just a rebound. Seriously...refrain from making decisions based on a rebound relationship.

2. The friend that advised to drop the divorce and refile in Florida after moving with the children is foolish. Your ex would file in the correct jurisdiction for the immediate return of the children and your actions would be held against you with EXTREME prejudice by the Judge.

1. Tons of incorrect assumptions. I have been miserable in my marriage for years. We have been separated since Jan of last year. I have been over him for 6 years and only stayed out of religious beliefs conflicting with moral beliefs. I have know this other person as a friend for years. I am not asking for feedback on my love life, just on how to handle this matter.

2. I appreciate the feedback, but criticizing something without offering an alternative solution doesn't help me at all.

 

[June888]

In addition to Blue's points, something else to bear in mind... IF you do get to move the children to FL and your (ex/stbx) husband does not also move? You may find yourself responsible for all parenting time transportation costs. Will your "much better paying" job in FL support that?

I already do pay for everything. He refuses to pay child support and the court refuses to do anything about it. So my move would only help me, not hurt me in any way. He does not ever even watch the children for me to get a break. He shows up every once in a rare while, talks to them for 10-20minutes, and then leaves. He doesn't care about them - he only cares about controlling me, and so far, he has been doing a great job at that with this case. And everyone seems to be focusing on things like I am an idiot rather than addressing my actual questions and concerns...

 

[June888]

You are already into a divorce proceeding in Colorado. The details of where you are at in those proceedings matter. It is not a given that the court would prevent you from taking the kids with you should you decide to move to Florida. You may want to file the appropriate motion to get the court to approve that. It may mean you'd be on the hook for paying for the airfare for visitation back to Colorado though if the court approves it.

How likely is it that your husband really wants to have custody of the kids? It may be that when it really comes down to it he'll (perhaps reluctantly) not oppose the move if you tell him you are going regardless and if he opposes you taking the kids then he can have primary custody of them. If what he is doing is using the kid card only as a way to try to keep you from leaving him that card becomes useless once it's apparent you're not going to give up on the divorce.

Colorado allows for some unbundling of legal services. You might try consulting a family law attorney on just the issue of handling the move without hiring the lawyer to handle the whole divorce and child custody/support matters. That can help you keep the cost lower but yet give you some solid legal direction on what to do. You can also see if you can find some free/low cost legal help for your divorce.

Thank you so much for all this. Paying for visitation is not an option. EIther my kids go with me or I can't.

I already know he wouldn't be willing to take the kids on himself. Your advice on saying I am going regardless to him is great. He WILL NOT be willing to take the kids on himself. Thank you for that! The only reason he doesn't want me moving is for a means of control. He pays no child support and comes and sees his kids for 10-20 minutes every week or so. Then, he will spend a good half hour or so harassing me and verbally abusing me. It is a nightmare.

I will look into what you suggested about the legal assistance and an attorney to focus solely on the move. Thanks again for that!!!

 

[June888]

Did your husband file a counterclaim? Truthfully you are on the verge of committing adultery if you haven't already. Why would you expose your children to your paramour when you are not divorced and don't know how long the relationship will last? Hopefully they have not already met your paramour.

Leave the children with your ex and move to be with your love. or have your love move to where you are and get a job there.

So, if he drags this out for 5 years, I should just let him CONTINUE to control me for the next five years of my life and be single and miserable? You have clearly never dealt with abuse yourself.

As far as my paramour, I didn't ask for advice on that. I have known him for years and don't need advice on my love life. Only need legal advice. I know you are all trying to look out with the feedback and appreciate that, but I am not an idiot.

Can't leave my children. The ex wouldn't take them, nor would I leave my children to be with him. We want to raise our family together, not rip them apart. I do appreciate the advice, but I only need the advice on the legal case, thank you.

 

[Just Blue]

1. Tons of incorrect assumptions. I have been miserable in my marriage for years. We have been separated since Jan of last year. I have been over him for 6 years and only stayed out of religious beliefs conflicting with moral beliefs. I have know this other person as a friend for years. I am not asking for feedback on my love life, just on how to handle this matter.

2. I appreciate the feedback, but criticizing something without offering an alternative solution doesn't help me at all.

I though it was kind of clear what the alternative is. Stay and deal with your legal issues in the correct venue and ask the courts for permission to move. If granted you will likely be responsible for all cost of transportation for the children to visit with their father. I STRONGLY suggest not mentioning your new love while in court.

And as a FYI....Taxing Matters and Ohiogal are both attorney's. OG is a attorney/GAL.

 

[not2cleverRed]

1. Tons of incorrect assumptions. I have been miserable in my marriage for years. We have been separated since Jan of last year. I have been over him for 6 years and only stayed out of religious beliefs conflicting with moral beliefs. I have know this other person as a friend for years. I am not asking for feedback on my love life, just on how to handle this matter.

2. I appreciate the feedback, but criticizing something without offering an alternative solution doesn't help me at all.

The key word marriage. You are still married.

People who are convinced that it's over and they're ready to move on, who actually don't have a divorce decree in hand do not know what they are talking about.

Those of us who have gone through a "high conflict" divorce and gotten it finalized recognize that those at the early stages (you) have no idea of where they'll be at the end.

No one in their right mind would want to be in a romantic relationship with someone in the midst of divorce, although I can understand the desire to skip onto something positive. But, while I can be sympathetic, I can tell you: you are not going to be the best you, in a position to make good relationship choices, during your divorce. Put on the big girl panties and forgo the knight in shining armor.

I already do pay for everything. He refuses to pay child support and the court refuses to do anything about it. So my move would only help me, not hurt me in any way. He does not ever even watch the children for me to get a break. He shows up every once in a rare while, talks to them for 10-20minutes, and then leaves. He doesn't care about them - he only cares about controlling me, and so far, he has been doing a great job at that with this case. And everyone seems to be focusing on things like I am an idiot rather than addressing my actual questions and concerns...

Then you won't mind paying for transportation costs.

It's good that you are aware of this and accept it.

 

[not2cleverRed]

So, if he drags this out for 5 years, I should just let him CONTINUE to control me for the next five years of my life and be single and miserable? You have clearly never dealt with abuse yourself.

As far as my paramour, I didn't ask for advice on that. I have known him for years and don't need advice on my love life. Only need legal advice. I know you are all trying to look out with the feedback and appreciate that, but I am not an idiot.

Can't leave my children. The ex wouldn't take them, nor would I leave my children to be with him. We want to raise our family together, not rip them apart. I do appreciate the advice, but I only need the advice on the legal case, thank you.

Our paramour advice IS legal advice: You. Are. Not. Ready.

Stop thinking with your genitals: there are worse things than being single. In fact, you should take some time to BE single, without a man.

Focus on yourself and your children.

We are telling you that there is a process and things to consider in considering a move. It is possible, depending on the details in your particular case, that you might be allowed to move with the kids. (You would do this through the CO courts.) It is also highly probable that you would be on the hook for the costs of transportation to facilitate visitation with Dad. If you will not be able to afford that, then you cannot afford to move with the children.

P.S. My divorce went to trial, one of the last while NY still required "fault", and my ex would agree to nothing less than cruelty to him - so don't give me this "controlling" "abusive" garbage, and how none of us know nothing about true suffering like yours. I notice you haven't mentioned an order of protection, restraining order, police reports, etc.

 

[Ohiogal]

So, if he drags this out for 5 years, I should just let him CONTINUE to control me for the next five years of my life and be single and miserable? You have clearly never dealt with abuse yourself.

As far as my paramour, I didn't ask for advice on that. I have known him for years and don't need advice on my love life. Only need legal advice. I know you are all trying to look out with the feedback and appreciate that, but I am not an idiot.

Can't leave my children. The ex wouldn't take them, nor would I leave my children to be with him. We want to raise our family together, not rip them apart. I do appreciate the advice, but I only need the advice on the legal case, thank you.

Actually you are acting like an idiot. I deal with custody cases EVERY FREAKING COURT DAY. That is what I do for a living. Legal advice is what you were getting. A court would frown upon you introducing the children to your bed buddy before your divorce. You need to comprehend reality. And the children are not your adulterous lover's. They are your husband's. If you want to raise your family together, STAY WITH YOUR HUSBAND. You are thick.

 

[Ohiogal]

Oh and you didn't answer if your ex filed a counterclaim. That matters.