Changing custody agreement

[per_jane]

The agreement we have in place is that we have joint custody. I have primary physical and we have joint legal. She stays with him every other weekend. The agreement wasn’t fair to me because I waived child support and he would pay for health insurance and daycare and claim her on taxes every other year. After 2015 I said I’d pay for more than half of health insurance if he let me claim her on taxes every year which he agreed. After I got married my ex has stopped communicating with me and will randomly pick up my daughter from school. He has now told her he’s getting a puppy and she will need to stay with him more. He only lives about 5 minutes away. I reached out to him and told him I don’t mind her going over but she needs to be home at a certain time and he needs to give me a heads up. He says he wants to change agreement where she stays with him same number of days a month as she stays with me. I don’t think that’s stable but a court might think it’s good for her to be with both parents 50/50 but I don’t agree. What usually happens in cases like these? My daughter is 13 and we live in Virginia.

 

[Just Blue]

Our agreement we have in place is that we have joint custody. I have primary physical and we have joint legal. She stays with him every other weekend. The agreement wasn’t fair to me because I waived child support and he would pay for health insurance and daycare and claim her on taxes every other year. After 2015 I said I’d pay for more than half of health insurance if he let me claim her on taxes every year which he agreed. My ex recently after I got married has stopped communicating with me and will randomly pick up my daughter from school. He has now told her he’s getting a puppy and she will need to stay with him more. He only lives about 5 minutes away. I reached out to him and told him I don’t mind her going over but she needs to be home at a certain time and he needs to give me a heads up. He says he wants to change agreement where she stays with him same number of days a month as she stays with me. I don’t think that’s stable but a court might think it’s good for her to be with both parents 50/50 but I don’t agree. What usually happens in cases like these? My daughter is 13 and we live in Virginia.

What is the issue with 50/50? Why do you think it would be "unstable"?

 

[per_jane]

What is the issue with 50/50? Why do you think it would be "unstable"?

Idk I feel like it would get tiresome going from
One place to another constantly. Not having just one place as “home”. She’s a straight A student and I feel shuffling her around would disrupt her schedule. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s how I feel.

 

[Just Blue]

Idk I feel like it would get tiresome going from
One place to another constantly. Not having just one place as “home”. She’s a straight A student and I feel shuffling her around would disrupt her schedule. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s how I feel.

She has two homes. She should have "stuff" that stays at Dads and "stuff" that stays at your house. It's really not a big deal.

 

[PaLv]

Our agreement we have in place is that we have joint custody. I have primary physical and we have joint legal. She stays with him every other weekend. The agreement wasn’t fair to me because I waived child support and he would pay for health insurance and daycare and claim her on taxes every other year. After 2015 I said I’d pay for more than half of health insurance if he let me claim her on taxes every year which he agreed. My ex recently after I got married has stopped communicating with me and will randomly pick up my daughter from school. He has now told her he’s getting a puppy and she will need to stay with him more. He only lives about 5 minutes away. I reached out to him and told him I don’t mind her going over but she needs to be home at a certain time and he needs to give me a heads up. He says he wants to change agreement where she stays with him same number of days a month as she stays with me. I don’t think that’s stable but a court might think it’s good for her to be with both parents 50/50 but I don’t agree. What usually happens in cases like these? My daughter is 13 and we live in Virginia.

He will need a change in circumstances. It does not sound like he has one. EVery other weekend to 50/50 is a big change. If she is thriving you should try to keep things close to what they are. Maybe compromise with 50/50 in the summer and adding a Wednesday overnight . At age 13 she could also likely giver her opinion to a judge. I would tell dad to follow the court order, he can not just pick her up from school on your custodial days. He is in contempt

 

[LdiJ]

Our agreement we have in place is that we have joint custody. I have primary physical and we have joint legal. She stays with him every other weekend. The agreement wasn’t fair to me because I waived child support and he would pay for health insurance and daycare and claim her on taxes every other year. After 2015 I said I’d pay for more than half of health insurance if he let me claim her on taxes every year which he agreed. My ex recently after I got married has stopped communicating with me and will randomly pick up my daughter from school. He has now told her he’s getting a puppy and she will need to stay with him more. He only lives about 5 minutes away. I reached out to him and told him I don’t mind her going over but she needs to be home at a certain time and he needs to give me a heads up. He says he wants to change agreement where she stays with him same number of days a month as she stays with me. I don’t think that’s stable but a court might think it’s good for her to be with both parents 50/50 but I don’t agree. What usually happens in cases like these? My daughter is 13 and we live in Virginia.

He is afraid that you are going to go after him for child support. I suspect that he realizes that you absolutely could get child support from him. If your child is 13 he would no longer be required to pay for daycare, therefore he knows that he is not paying what the state would required him to pay. He is afraid that your new husband will know this and will convince you to go after child support.

He is hoping to create a scenario where he can force through a 50/50 timeshare scenario before you even know what's going on.

So, tell dad that he cannot pick up the child from school on your days, without getting an ok from you first, and tell him that you do not agree to a 50/50 timeshare, and leave it at that. He will either back off or he will take you to court and the judge will decide. Most judges tend NOT to award a 50/50 timeshare unless the parents agree, because it takes a lot of cooperation to make it work, and if parents are not agreeing they are not cooperating.

Also, I happen to agree with you about 50/50 timeshares. I do not know a single family in the real world who were actually successful with a 50/50 timeshare. Most children that I have met really hate it. They hate the change in dynamics from one household to the next, and they hate having to move back and forth. The ones who hate it the least are the ones in an every other week schedule, because at least they can settle down in one home for a week at a time. If there are other children in the homes who do not have to switch, they tend to feel like outsiders in both homes.

I am watching that dynamic in play in my own home right now. Two of my grandson's siblings are in my home every other week. The little boy seems to take it all in stride because he loves being with his brother (my grandson) the little girl clearly feels like an outsider and nothing we do seems to change that. My granddaughter likes the little girl, but hates having to share her bedroom every other week.

 

[Ohiogal]

He will need a change in circumstances. It does not sound like he has one. EVery other weekend to 50/50 is a big change. If she is thriving you should try to keep things close to what they are. Maybe compromise with 50/50 in the summer and adding a Wednesday overnight . At age 13 she could also likely giver her opinion to a judge. I would tell dad to follow the court order, he can not just pick her up from school on your custodial days. He is in contempt

The change in circumstance can be as simple as the child aging. Please don't give advice when you don't know the law. They have JOINT custody as it is. So custody would NOT change -- just time would. You don't comprehend changes in circumstance.

Go back to screwing up your own situation and NOT attempting to screw up other people's.

 

[Ohiogal]

He is afraid that you are going to go after him for child support. I suspect that he realizes that you absolutely could get child support from him. If your child is 13 he would no longer be required to pay for daycare, therefore he knows that he is not paying what the state would required him to pay. He is afraid that your new husband will know this and will convince you to go after child support.

He is hoping to create a scenario where he can force through a 50/50 timeshare scenario before you even know what's going on.

So, tell dad that he cannot pick up the child from school on your days, without getting an ok from you first, and tell him that you do not agree to a 50/50 timeshare, and leave it at that. He will either back off or he will take you to court and the judge will decide. Most judges tend NOT to award a 50/50 timeshare unless the parents agree, because it takes a lot of cooperation to make it work, and if parents are not agreeing they are not cooperating.

Also, I happen to agree with you about 50/50 timeshares. I do not know a single family in the real world who were actually successful with a 50/50 timeshare. Most children that I have met really hate it. They hate the change in dynamics from one household to the next, and they hate having to move back and forth. The ones who hate it the least are the ones in an every other week schedule, because at least they can settle down in one home for a week at a time. If there are other children in the homes who do not have to switch, they tend to feel like outsiders in both homes.

I am watching that dynamic in play in my own home right now. Two of my grandson's siblings are in my home every other week. The little boy seems to take it all in stride because he loves being with his brother (my grandson) the little girl clearly feels like an outsider and nothing we do seems to change that. My granddaughter likes the little girl, but hates having to share her bedroom every other week.

Google parallel parenting. Also realize the child is 13. Not a lot of cooperation is needed. A single family in the real world? Sad. You don't know every family that exists and OP and dad are five minutes away from each other. Please don't speak for every family and make a unilateral decision. And I have seen many judges award 50/50 where parents don't agree. So does that mean it is a guarantee that it will happen? No. But neither is yours. So don't act like it is. This is NOT about your family.

50/50 is possible as this is a teenager, there is already JOINT custody, and the child is a teenager capable of getting herself ready for school and doing many things.

 

[per_jane]

Double post

 

[per_jane]

Google parallel parenting. Also realize the child is 13. Not a lot of cooperation is needed. A single family in the real world? Sad. You don't know every family that exists and OP and dad are five minutes away from each other. Please don't speak for every family and make a unilateral decision. And I have seen many judges award 50/50 where parents don't agree. So does that mean it is a guarantee that it will happen? No. But neither is yours. So don't act like it is. This is NOT about your family.

50/50 is possible as this is a teenager, there is already JOINT custody, and the child is a teenager capable of getting herself ready for school and doing many things.

Thank you for all the responses. I’ve had all night to think about it and still feel it’s not a good idea. At least not full 50/50 right now. Her whole life we have had this arrangement where she stays with him every other weekend. Sometimes he will pick her up for dinner or movie during the week. She stays more days with him during the summer and he takes her on vacations which are never a problem to me. He is using an excuse that he is getting a puppy for her to stay with him more to get her to want to change schedules and that’s not right. And yes she is 13 and can get herself ready but she needs a parent that will also push her and enforce rules. He is too laid back and I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he won’t talk to me. Example is when she is over there on the weekends she doesn’t do her hw and so she is up late Sunday at my house finishing it. I can see adding an extra day like like Monday every ther weekend and she can go over 2x during the week to spend time with him. The child support isn’t even an issue and I’ve told him that I don’t need child support from him.

And he is only doing this now because I got married. He always threatened me before that things would change if I ever had a boyfriend.

 

[Ohiogal]

Thank you for all the responses. I’ve had all night to think about it and still feel it’s not a good idea. At least not full 50/50 right now. Her whole life we have had this arrangement where she stays with him every other weekend. Sometimes he will pick her up for dinner or movie during the week. She stays more days with him during the summer and he takes her on vacations which are never a problem to me. He is using an excuse that he is getting a puppy for her to stay with him more to get her to want to change schedules and that’s not right. And yes she is 13 and can get herself ready but she needs a parent that will also push her and enforce rules. He is too laid back and I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he won’t talk to me. Example is when she is over there on the weekends she doesn’t do her hw and so she is up late Sunday at my house finishing it. I can see adding an extra day like like Monday every ther weekend and she can go over 2x during the week to spend time with him. The child support isn’t even an issue and I’ve told him that I don’t need child support from him.

And he is only doing this now because I got married. He always threatened me before that things would change if I ever had a boyfriend.

Why do you allow your thirteen year old not to be responsible for her homework? She is old enough to know she has homework and to do it. if she doesn't do it at dad's why do you let her stay up finishing it? Let her get lower grades for being irresponsible. if she goes to school a few times without homework being done then she pays the consequences for it. You are allowing your child to be irresponsible and not having ANY consequences for it because she knows she can goof off at dad's and you will let her stay up late. Why should she do homework at dad's then? And dad is allowed to parent differently than you do. She is 13 and unless she has learning disabilities, she is old enough to know that she needs to do her homework. My children have known that and been responsible for their homework at younger ages (9 or 10).

 

[per_jane]

Why do you allow your thirteen year old not to be responsible for her homework? She is old enough to know she has homework and to do it. if she doesn't do it at dad's why do you let her stay up finishing it? Let her get lower grades for being irresponsible. if she goes to school a few times without homework being done then she pays the consequences for it. You are allowing your child to be irresponsible and not having ANY consequences for it because she knows she can goof off at dad's and you will let her stay up late. Why should she do homework at dad's then? And dad is allowed to parent differently than you do. She is 13 and unless she has learning disabilities, she is old enough to know that she needs to do her homework. My children have known that and been responsible for their homework at younger ages (9 or 10).

First of all do not tell me how I should raise my daughter. This way works for us because like I said she’s a straight A student. I’m glad your way works for your children. This is a legal advice forum and I’ve already read your advice regarding that - thank you.

 

[HRZ]

OP your issues of parenting style don't seem to be legal issues to this layman . And if he wants a schedule change let him carry his quest to court .

I think you should revisit your views and facts about you don't need his child support ... both parents have a duty to support their children and child may well benefit from his economic support. ( You may need to think ahead about massive college costs all too soon and your state law does not require him to help on that )

 

[Ohiogal]

First of all do not tell me how I should raise my daughter. This way works for us because like I said she’s a straight A student. I’m glad your way works for your children. This is a legal advice forum and I’ve already read your advice regarding that - thank you.

I am not but you are blaming him for your daughter's problems -- YOUR daughter is the one not doing her homework and yet you blame him for that. And if you blame him for that or use it as an excuse as to why he can't have 50/50 when your daughter is mature and smart -- you may find yourself on the losing end of the argument in court. Realize that. So no, not trying to tell you how to parent but trying to make you understand that as a reason to say dad can't have 50/50 -- that one will not work with many courts.

 

[per_jane]

I am not but you are blaming him for your daughter's problems -- YOUR daughter is the one not doing her homework and yet you blame him for that. And if you blame him for that or use it as an excuse as to why he can't have 50/50 when your daughter is mature and smart -- you may find yourself on the losing end of the argument in court. Realize that. So no, not trying to tell you how to parent but trying to make you understand that as a reason to say dad can't have 50/50 -- that one will not work with many courts.

I do see your point and you are right. It is her fault and she does get in trouble when her homework isn't done or when she's up late at night still doing homework but I do feel her dad should also enforce having to do homework at his house if shes over there for the entire weekend. I feel like the rules should be the same in both households. If she is grounded at my house (like no electronics) I let her dad know so that the punishment continues at his house. Just because she is at his house doesn't mean no rules apply and its all fun and games. That's another reason why I think the 50/50 back and forth wouldn't work.