Changing Custody

[ArkansasDad]

What is the name of your state? Arkansas

I have a 10 year old son. Currently, his mother has custody and I have visitation. I would like to change this because I think it would be best for my son. I know that I have to prove a change of circumstance to the Court and that it would be in my sons best interest to live with me. I'm not sure exactly what it would take to do that. Here are the concerns I have... please tell me if it is valid for Court or if I am not thinking clearly here.

1) My son's counselor has stated and documented that my son indicates a strong desire to live with me and that it would be best for him emotionally. My son speaks openly about me and my home with his counselor. He does not speak about me as a "Disneyland Dad", but also speaks of his chores and being disciplined when he acts out. The counselor stated that he speaks of my home as "normal life". However, when the counselor attempts to get him to talk about his Mom's house, he will clam up and get nervous. He shuts down and won't talk at all. There is a history of abuse, but not severe enough that the State felt he was in immenent or immediate danger justifying his removal. They only opened a case and visited the home for a while (I don't know all the details). The court ordered no corporal punishment because of this. I suspect ongoing physical abuse but can not prove it. She stopped the counseling even though the counselor strongly advised against it. *I can subpeona the counselor to testify on this point... but is it a change of circumstance and is it a strong enough point?

2) She does not take him to the doctor when he is sick. He had pneumonia for a week. I took him to the doctor on visitation. He had an ear infection for more than a week. I took him to the doctor on visitation. I can prove I took him to the doctor, but not how long he had been sick. He had been sent home from school for each one, but I don't know that the school documented the dates that he was sent home for either one. The absences would corroborate, I suppose. She also refuses to reimburse me for half of the medical expenses, but I don't know if that would be a custody issue at all... and I don't care about the money. *I'm sure she will have an excuse such as that she isn't going to rush him to the doctor every time he gets sick... so she made a poor judgement call twice... he's 10 and he survived without hospitalization. How strong is this, and is it neglect or am I just too close to the situation to be subjective?

3) He doesn't bathe regularly or brush his teeth except at my house (he doesn't even have a toothbrush at her house) and his clothes aren't washed. His clothes are also all full of holes. I have expressed my concerns regarding these things to her and she said that they were all his responsibility, not hers. I offered to buy his school clothes and a toothbrush and it made her mad, so I didn't push the issue any further. She does allow me to buy his shoes and have his hair cut (in addition to child support) so those things are provided. *Obviously, she is going to deny all of these points, claiming that he does bathe regularly, brushes his teeth daily, his clothes are always washed, and probably something along the lines of clothes with holes are in style. She can't deny that she said it was all his responsibility because that's in writing but she'll brush that off with that 10 year olds should have some responsibility for their hygiene and I don't even deny that. I have no way of proving these things really. If his teacher would testify to it, she will claim that the teacher is bias because I was too involved with the school or because I donated money to the school or something. She tried this tactic when she requested that I be banned from the school, but she did fail in that.

4) When he is grounded at her house, he isn't allowed to do his homework either. He has to do it at school the next morning and doesn't always have time to get it done, and doesn't have anyone available to help him if he doesn't understand something. Of course, even if he isn't grounded and he's doing at her house, no one is available to help him. But he is still pulling off C's. *This is something that my son has told me and of course, I have absolutely no way of proving it. His teacher could testify that his homework was not always completed and she would see him doing his homework at school in the mornings sometimes. His report card also shows that homework is not completed.

5) The school called me several times this past school year because he did not have lunch money, had charged the maximum number of times (3 lunches) and the first time they had fed him peanut butter sandwiches twice. During this time, they start sending reminder notices to her when his balance reaches $4. When they called me the first time, I told them that when he had charged the maximum, to call me right away instead of resorting to the peanut butter sandwiches. I went to the school and paid off his charges and paid for a weeks lunches and breakfasts (he had told me that he wasn't always eating breakfast at home either). After the first time, they would call when he charged 3 times and still had not brought lunch money. They also called when he needed school supplies and had requested them for 3 weeks without a response. I provided those also. *If the teacher testifies, she can corroborate this. Cancelled checks can show that I paid money to the school, but there is also the fact that I did also donate money to the school twice, but in much higher amounts than a weeks worth of lunch money and notations on the checks show what the money was for. It doesn't show that the school called me to bring me because she had failed to pay it, though.

 

[LdiJ]

You probably have enough to file for a modification of custody, but I am not sure that you have enough to win.

It would probably be in the best interest of your child for you to ask the judge to appoint a GAL (Guardian ad Litem) for your child. That is a court appointed professional whose job would be to help the judge determine your child's best interest. The GAL would interview you, mom and the child as well as the child's counselor and perhaps even the child's teacher...perhaps other adults in the child's life as well....it all depends on the GAL.

Most of what you described probably wouldn't be enough for a change of circumstance. Much of what you described is coming only from your son and could be a child's typically playing one parent against the other. Some of it could be borderline neglect on mom's part but not necessarily enough neglect to get CPS involved. For example, I REALLY doubt that your child doesn't have a toothbrush at mom's house and I REALLY doubt that your child isn't permitted to bathe at mom's house.

However, the fact that he clammed up in therapy about mom's house and not about yours could be a sign of true problems at mom's house (or could be because you were present you have to remember that). That and the fact that mom stopped the therapy is enough to cause concern.

If you are going to do this it would be best to have an attorney. Get a consult with one now. Then decide whether or not to retain one.

 

[weenor]

What is the name of your state? Arkansas

I have a 10 year old son. Currently, his mother has custody and I have visitation. I would like to change this because I think it would be best for my son. I know that I have to prove a change of circumstance to the Court and that it would be in my sons best interest to live with me. I'm not sure exactly what it would take to do that. Here are the concerns I have... please tell me if it is valid for Court or if I am not thinking clearly here.

1) My son's counselor has stated and documented that my son indicates a strong desire to live with me and that it would be best for him emotionally. My son speaks openly about me and my home with his counselor. He does not speak about me as a "Disneyland Dad", but also speaks of his chores and being disciplined when he acts out. The counselor stated that he speaks of my home as "normal life". However, when the counselor attempts to get him to talk about his Mom's house, he will clam up and get nervous. He shuts down and won't talk at all. There is a history of abuse, but not severe enough that the State felt he was in immenent or immediate danger justifying his removal. They only opened a case and visited the home for a while (I don't know all the details). The court ordered no corporal punishment because of this. I suspect ongoing physical abuse but can not prove it. She stopped the counseling even though the counselor strongly advised against it. *I can subpeona the counselor to testify on this point... but is it a change of circumstance and is it a strong enough point?

In and of itself probably not, but with everything else maybe. As advised, a GAL is probably appropriate. The court may also order an independent psych evaluation, expensive but ....


2) She does not take him to the doctor when he is sick. He had pneumonia for a week. I took him to the doctor on visitation. He had an ear infection for more than a week. I took him to the doctor on visitation. I can prove I took him to the doctor, but not how long he had been sick. He had been sent home from school for each one, but I don't know that the school documented the dates that he was sent home for either one. The absences would corroborate, I suppose. She also refuses to reimburse me for half of the medical expenses, but I don't know if that would be a custody issue at all... and I don't care about the money. *I'm sure she will have an excuse such as that she isn't going to rush him to the doctor every time he gets sick... so she made a poor judgement call twice... he's 10 and he survived without hospitalization. How strong is this, and is it neglect or am I just too close to the situation to be subjective?

Can be evidence of negligent in that she refuses to provide medical. One more piece of the puzzle.

3) He doesn't bathe regularly or brush his teeth except at my house (he doesn't even have a toothbrush at her house) and his clothes aren't washed. His clothes are also all full of holes. I have expressed my concerns regarding these things to her and she said that they were all his responsibility, not hers. I offered to buy his school clothes and a toothbrush and it made her mad, so I didn't push the issue any further. She does allow me to buy his shoes and have his hair cut (in addition to child support) so those things are provided. *Obviously, she is going to deny all of these points, claiming that he does bathe regularly, brushes his teeth daily, his clothes are always washed, and probably something along the lines of clothes with holes are in style. She can't deny that she said it was all his responsibility because that's in writing but she'll brush that off with that 10 year olds should have some responsibility for their hygiene and I don't even deny that. I have no way of proving these things really. If his teacher would testify to it, she will claim that the teacher is bias because I was too involved with the school or because I donated money to the school or something. She tried this tactic when she requested that I be banned from the school, but she did fail in that.

Largely irrelevant due to alck of proof and differences in life styles that may not be a problem to the court.

4) When he is grounded at her house, he isn't allowed to do his homework either. He has to do it at school the next morning and doesn't always have time to get it done, and doesn't have anyone available to help him if he doesn't understand something. Of course, even if he isn't grounded and he's doing at her house, no one is available to help him. But he is still pulling off C's. *This is something that my son has told me and of course, I have absolutely no way of proving it. His teacher could testify that his homework was not always completed and she would see him doing his homework at school in the mornings sometimes. His report card also shows that homework is not completed.

Get all of his school records, including attendance report cards everything. This can be an important issue to some judges.

5) The school called me several times this past school year because he did not have lunch money, had charged the maximum number of times (3 lunches) and the first time they had fed him peanut butter sandwiches twice. During this time, they start sending reminder notices to her when his balance reaches $4. When they called me the first time, I told them that when he had charged the maximum, to call me right away instead of resorting to the peanut butter sandwiches. I went to the school and paid off his charges and paid for a weeks lunches and breakfasts (he had told me that he wasn't always eating breakfast at home either). After the first time, they would call when he charged 3 times and still had not brought lunch money. They also called when he needed school supplies and had requested them for 3 weeks without a response. I provided those also. *If the teacher testifies, she can corroborate this. Cancelled checks can show that I paid money to the school, but there is also the fact that I did also donate money to the school twice, but in much higher amounts than a weeks worth of lunch money and notations on the checks show what the money was for. It doesn't show that the school called me to bring me because she had failed to pay it, though.

Again get the records. A local attorney that knows the judges is the best way to determine if you have enough.

 

[ArkansasDad]

Actually, I wasn't at the therapy. His therapy was school based. We have this program here where a company called Ozark Guidance Center can go into the school for therapy with elementary age children during their down times at school. That is where he was having his counseling sessions. It wasn't the school counselor though. But neither parent was there. The counselor spoke with me about it on a phone session with only me that my son knows nothing about. The counselor also spoke with his mother about it on the phone, which is when she stopped the sessions. By the way, this is the counseling group that the Judge ordered him to see originally.

As for the toothbrush, she admitted that he did not have one at her house in an e-mail she sent to me. She said he had to earn the money on his own to buy a new one because he had lost his last one.

It's not that he is not "permitted" to bathe, it's that he doesn't. She says that it is his responsibility. He will "forget" at my house too if I don't remind him, but I do remind him. I feel that if a child isn't remembering, then it is up to the parent to remind them and teach them the habit of remembering their hygiene routine daily. But I also know that is going to simply be a difference of parenting tactics, not necessarily a custody issue.

Oh, also... I have heard of Attorney Ad Litems... is that the same thing as a GAL or is it different?

 

[ArkansasDad]

Okay... I had posted a new thread because I had lost this one... but now since SeniorJudge showed me where this one was, I will transfer it to this thread! Thanks Senior Judge!

I have now learned that since January 2004 there have been 6 cases of abuse against my son, some of which have been substantiated. I don't think all of them were. When I was talking to the woman at the DHS central office, she was going through the list and she would read off one and say "that one is substantiated" but didn't say it on all of them, so I don't think all of them were. Anyway, I have to send in $10 for each report. I had sent in the $10 a few weeks ago, but they had to call me because the fee is per report and there are so many of them. I knew there had been abuse in the past and suspected it was ongoing but could not prove it. I am sending the other $50 to DHS today to get the other records, but would these reports be the type of proof the Court is looking for or do I still need to have pictures of bruises and stuff to prove it?

I got medical records for my son from one doctor yesterday that says that my son is underweight. I look at my son and yes, I do believe that he is very thin but I wouldn't be overly concerned of malnutrition, because I thought I had I had countered that by taking the money to the school for him to eat. I have concerns about his eating habits. Up until I read in the medical records that the Doctor feels that he is underweight, though, I wasn't concerned about his weight in particular by appearance.

I have signed for his medical records at the hospitals also. I don't know that there will be anything in any of them short of lack of notifications.

I will be signing for the remainder of his counseling records next week. I have learned that he has had 7 counselors since January 1, 2005. He has only had 3 counseling appointments since January 1, 2006, while the counselor is recommending weekly visits.

His mother has told him that his step-father is going to adopt him, that I am trying to kill her by sabotaging her brakes which is the cause of her 3 wrecks in less that a year, that I poison his food, that she can't afford to buy him clothes because I don't pay child support, that if I cared to be more than a weekend Dad I would call him more, and that the only reason I show up for visitation is because the Judge told me if I didn't I would go to jail. I hope that we can find a GAL here in Arkansas for my son to talk to about these things. I haven't been able to find anything about them so far in my state. Only Attorney Ad Litem's. Maybe they are the same thing. On the adoption thing, from the responses I got on the other thread, it doesn't sound like his step-dad has any chance of adopting him. As for her brakes, (and I'm thinking logically which I know may not always be the way the law works) the accident reports show the length of the skid marks, which means the brakes were working... and in each one of her wrecks, there were skid marks. Also in each one of her wrecks, she had to give a statement and never once did she say to the Police Officers that her brakes had been sabotaged or that she had hit her brakes and they had malfunctioned. She said that the sun was in her eyes or that she didn't see the car in time, etc. On the child support, that's exactly why I pay every dime through Child Support Enforcement now. That one is easily proven. She won't even make that allegation in Court, only to my son. I call my son according to the Court Order and she still doesn't answer the phone all the time. The Judge never told me I would go to jail for not exercising visitation... that would never be necessary. I jump at every opportunity to see my son which is honestly one of the main reasons I volunteer for almost every school field trip... it's more opportunity to be with my son. The Judge did however threaten her with jail (although we all knew it was an empty threat) if she denied visitation again!

She will tell all sorts of lies in the Courtroom and I know this. Last time her big lie was that I abuse my wife. There was no proof of it obviously because you can't have proof of something that is false. So, I probably have Change of Circumstance... does the DHS records make changing custody strong or does it mean little since they did not feel it was strong enough to take him away from her themselves?

 

[LdiJ]

The DHS records (depending on what they actually say) combined with everything else that you have may help a great deal. What you need to do is once you have gathered everything together (including the DHS records) then take everything to a local attorney for consultation. A local attorney knows best how the judges in your area react to the types of evidence that you have.

 

[tiki101]

Unfortunately I don't have any advice to offer you but I do wish you the best of luck. For you and your son that it may all work out for you. If the allegations that you have stated are true then you go in there and fight for your son! Being a parent myself, I couldn't imagine not paying for my son to have breakfast and lunch at school. That is just horrible. No child should go without.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Do ask the courts to appoint an attorney ad Litem that is the same thing as a GAL and do this as soon as possible, also mom may have some underlying mental illness causeing her to confabulate and misconstrew the facts.