Changing parenting agreements

[muchneededhelp]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

I've had a good parenting relationship with my ex for 8 years- he pays minimal child support, has visitation every other weekend from Fri-Sun in which I transport my child an hour to his house, and he brings my child home. We maintain joint legal, and I have primary custodial. We've been able to talk things out very well, never have had an issue.

I recently had a falling out with my own parents for many reasons I wish not to go into here. I have not denied them visitation of my children, I only asked them to "fix" their behaviors and such around them. In turn, they stopped talking to me last June. I refuse to contact them first; I made reasonable requests, and they in turn disowned me. Turned many loved family members against me. And now... have gotten my ex husband involved.

Although I spoke to my ex husband about this, he is disrespecting my wishes to deny them visits. I asked him to please leave my family matters alone, that if my parents wish to see my son, they can contact me to visit instead of impeding on his time, and questionably turning my ex husband against me. Our co-parenting relationship is suffering because of this. My parents, instead of approaching my requests and working things out, have resorted to turning my family against me, using facebook to leave derogatory comments, and basically ruining me all because I disagree with things they believe are in their perfect right to do. They went behind my back, contacted my ex, and have worked their way into his life all to avoid facing me.

I would like to apply for a modification to our parenting order, which doesn't state anything about grandparent visitation. I would like to ammend it to state that my child will visit with my family on my time, and his father's family on his father's time. I don't want my ex dragged into this, and I don't want my child confused. My parents are interrupting my exes visitation, knowing he only has 4 days a month. I would like to use mediation services again to change the order.

Is this an acceptable request? If my ex refuses to comply with my wishes, will the judge see this as an acceptable request? I have never denied them visitation; they have not contacted me in 8 months to see any of my children. (I have children from a current marriage) They did not like what I had to say, and it turn, dropped my children like a bad habit knowing that they could use my ex to obtain access instead of dealing with issues.

Just wanted to know if I had standing, that's all. I've never asked for anything from my ex, and we both have always respected eachother. I just don't want my family problems, my parents and their vengeful ways, spread into his family- we've been divorced for 6 years, it's not his business anymore. The same goes for his family; I don't want any involvement in his family problems. It's not fair for my parents to come into our otherwise great relationship and slowly turn him against me. I want them to come to me, fix the problems, and work things out. I'd rather they attacked ME for grandparent visitation than do this.

Thanks for input.

 

[Proserpina]

You cannot dictate what Dad does during his parenting time; if he wants to allow your parents visitation that's entirely up to him.

 

[stealth2]

A court is not going to dictate who he may allow around the children, unless they are a provable danger. Which it seems they are not.

 

[LdiJ]

I agree with the others. However, I do suggest that you have a heartfelt discussion with your ex about the situation and about the fact that you don't want him dragged into the middle of your family issues and that you don't want his time impeded by your family.

Let him know that you don't want your good coparenting relationship to be effected by something that is not his problem.

 

[mistoffolees]

You cannot dictate what Dad does during his parenting time; if he wants to allow your parents visitation that's entirely up to him.

Unless there's a REAL danger of harm when the kids are visiting grandparents. But since OP refuses to say what the problem is, we'll never know.

 

[muchneededhelp]

I understand I cannot dictate who my child sees during his visitation with his father. My parents have disabled people living with them thru the state; they verbally abuse them. They have over 7 dogs living in their trailer they've abused. They are disabled themselves, that's why they took on the residents. They are known for public outbursts, screaming at eachother, and their demeanor scares my kids. They are manipulators, and they are manipulating my relationship with my ex- fully knowing they are destroying an otherwise wonderful parenting relationship we share. I was abused as a child; I do not want my children to see what I've seen. They are for lack of a better word, unstable. My child's sibling is disabled; I do not want any of my kids growing up to understand this is how you treat people with severe disabilities.

I just want to be able to monitor my parent's visitation with my child, not take it away, that's all. They are buying my child's affection (not just one toy, but many brought during each visit) and talk about me during the visitation, and my household with my current husband. My child is listening to all of this, and asking questions I can't exactly answer when he gets home. It's becoming too much- and I feel that I have a right to say that my family's issues not be brought into my husband's visitation time since he is no longer family.

I just thought if I could get him into mediation, that maybe we could make an agreement about this, that's all. I don't care if my parents attack me, I wish they would. Nothing feels worse than a great relationship for the sake of your child, many years of cooperation and trust, going down the drain because 2 people refuse to act like adults and approach the person they are mad at- me. For the sake of my child and all we've worked for, you know?

It was just an idea that wouldn't require a judge to sign off where we could agree for ourselves. I guess it's not an acceptable resolution by the looks of it.

 

[majomom1]

I understand I cannot dictate who my child sees during his visitation with his father. My parents have disabled people living with them thru the state; they verbally abuse them. They have over 7 dogs living in their trailer they've abused. They are disabled themselves, that's why they took on the residents. They are known for public outbursts, screaming at eachother, and their demeanor scares my kids. They are manipulators, and they are manipulating my relationship with my ex- fully knowing they are destroying an otherwise wonderful parenting relationship we share. I was abused as a child; I do not want my children to see what I've seen. They are for lack of a better word, unstable. My child's sibling is disabled; I do not want any of my kids growing up to understand this is how you treat people with severe disabilities.

I just want to be able to monitor my parent's visitation with my child, not take it away, that's all. They are buying my child's affection (not just one toy, but many brought during each visit) and talk about me during the visitation, and my household with my current husband. My child is listening to all of this, and asking questions I can't exactly answer when he gets home. It's becoming too much- and I feel that I have a right to say that my family's issues not be brought into my husband's visitation time since he is no longer family.

I just thought if I could get him into mediation, that maybe we could make an agreement about this, that's all. I don't care if my parents attack me, I wish they would. Nothing feels worse than a great relationship for the sake of your child, many years of cooperation and trust, going down the drain because 2 people refuse to act like adults and approach the person they are mad at- me. For the sake of my child and all we've worked for, you know?

It was just an idea that wouldn't require a judge to sign off where we could agree for ourselves. I guess it's not an acceptable resolution by the looks of it.

The judge WOULD have to sign off on it to change the parenting agreement, otherwise it is not enforceable and means nothing.

If your ex won't willingly agree to stay out of this, there isn't much you can do. A mediator, nor a judge, will tell him who he can, or cannot, allow the kids to visit during his time.

 

[Proserpina]

I just want to be able to monitor my parent's visitation with my child, not take it away, that's all.

You're just not going to be doing that when they visit with your ex. And honestly - though I understand where you're coming from, it's just not a reasonable request or expectation.

They are buying my child's affection (not just one toy, but many brought during each visit) and talk about me during the visitation, and my household with my current husband. My child is listening to all of this, and asking questions I can't exactly answer when he gets home. It's becoming too much- and I feel that I have a right to say that my family's issues not be brought into my husband's visitation time since he is no longer family.

You honestly cannot expect them not to talk. THEY might consider your ex-husband to be family. He divorced you - not them, necessarily.

This is not an uncommon phenomenon.

I just thought if I could get him into mediation, that maybe we could make an agreement about this, that's all. I don't care if my parents attack me, I wish they would. Nothing feels worse than a great relationship for the sake of your child, many years of cooperation and trust, going down the drain because 2 people refuse to act like adults and approach the person they are mad at- me. For the sake of my child and all we've worked for, you know?

It was just an idea that wouldn't require a judge to sign off where we could agree for ourselves. I guess it's not an acceptable resolution by the looks of it.

The thing is, it doesn't matter whether or not you think they should be talking about with your ex - the truth is, it's often inevitable especially if there has been a bond before the rift.

Trust me - I'm going through the exact same thing right now.

You have no reason to go to court or mediation for this.

Even if you did get Dad to agree, how are you going to enforce it?

 

[nextwife]

Dad will always be family to your parents. He is the father of their grandkids - your divorce doesn't change THAT relationship..

 

[CSO286]

Dad will always be family to your parents. He is the father of their grandkids - your divorce doesn't change THAT relationship..

Amen!!

My folks split when we kids were quite young. My paternal grandparents told my dad that he "was an idiot, and we're keeping (my mom)!"
Since that time we've gone to see them on at least a monthly basis (up to, through, and after my dad's death) and my grandma introduces my mom as "her daughter" 25 years after the divrces and 20 after the death of her son (my dad).

Familial bonds that were created don't always break when the marital bonds do.

 

[liandrajade]

If your ex won't willingly agree to stay out of this, there isn't much you can do. A mediator, nor a judge, will tell him who he can, or cannot, allow the kids to visit during his time.

Look at the concern mom has, mom has stated that there are certain issues and behaviors she has asked them to refrain from in front of her child, visitation was not and is not being with held, mom is asking that they do not act negatively or in a manner that is innappropriate around the child.

That is not unreasonable. However, yes we all know that these issues have to be brought up and proven BUT Mom has concerns and she has a right to have them addressed. Mom states that her and dad have a great relationship, she wants to keep it like that and has told her concerns to dad.

I also agree I do not see how the court will rule on her asking her ex to not share his time with HER parents short of proof, the question is can she ask that they refrain from doing certain things that are not appropriate and if the concerns/information she presents to the court is enough to even do so.....

The grandparent in this case appears to be overstepping, speaking derogatory about mom etc. That is wrong for the grandparent to do and is disrespectful to the parent. We all do agree that a grandparent or anyone else for that matter should not be doing so yes?

 

[Ohiogal]

The grandparents are NOT parties to this and cannot be ordered to do anything.

 

[xxnatalixx]

I'm thinking, if the grandparents are abusing the people living with them, then shouldn't that have been reported??

 

[randolph76]

I'm thinking, if the grandparents are abusing the people living with them, then shouldn't that have been reported??

That's what I was thinking. If you believe that your parents are abusing the disabled and that's what concerns you (esp. since you have a child that is) then you should report it.

It probably won't change your ex's relationship with them or visitations but it might make them treat the disabled better.

You can only control your actions here. Strive to keep coparenting with ex despite the setbacks. Your kids are worth it.

 

[Testimony]

Restraining Order

Is it possible to get a restraining order in place so that your parents can stay away from your children?